the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else

[Just Write]

She said that she loved me; childhood note with a box checked.
Played ring-around-the-rosie, since pacifiers and pog sets
She's always been emotionally offset. My bi-polar princess
But when i see her i disipate into her solar existence.
No resisting, she instantly stole my heart from my chest.
If I was the target, cupids marksmanship never harbored neglect
When we were 10, Carved J+M in an oak tree with a carpenters pen
....It's those little details that im finding are hard to forget.
Partial regret. I know, enough posts, but im just starting to vent
So i'll Spark another marlboro n' try to let go of everything spent
Like the years, and how quickly they went, & how wasted they were
Affection was tainted with hatred, replacing what was sacred and pure
I just want someone to take it and make it a blurr
Cause containing this pain is like living in sickness with no claimable cure
Don't Label me, first try to see the pain i'm describing
Or maybe you canrelate & know a way to survive this..



Ill feed some pieces tonight, ya'll know im good for it.

[Natural]

Originally Posted by Just Write

She said that she loved me; childhood note with a box checked.
Played ring-around-the-rosie, since pacifiers and pog sets
Dope Opener^………damn @ pog sets lol


She's always been emotionally offset. My bi-polar princess
But when i see her i disipate into her solar existence.
Ok


No resisting, she instantly stole my heart from my chest.
If I was the target, cupids marksmanship never harbored neglect
Cool. I like the emphasis you've putting on the "e" sound.



When we were 10, Carved J+M in an oak tree with a carpenters pen
....It's those little details that im finding are hard to forget.
Cool


Partial regret. I know, enough posts, but im just starting to vent
So i'll Spark another marlboro n' try to let go of everything spent
Like the years, and how quickly they went, & how wasted they were
Affection was tainted with hatred, replacing what was sacred and pure
I just want someone to take it and make it a blurr
Cause containing this pain is like living in sickness with no claimable cure
Don't Label me, first try to see the pain i'm describing
Or maybe you canrelate & know a way to survive this..

This last bit you started to be a little more technical
Adding in more internals and multi's
Then you stopped....but a solid drop altogether



Ill feed some pieces tonight, ya'll know im good for it.

[zygote]

Good stuff, enjoyed the writing tone and the reminiscing quality to the language. “When we were 10, Carved J+M in an oak tree” very nice. The transition part in the middle when the emotions changed was sudden but that was a good effect. Good resisting any chance to go over the top, just keeping it very direct and straightfoward. It brought the emphasis to those good aspects.

[dyedinthewool]

it sucks really that after reading this you can't help but either feel hurt cause you're going through the motions too, or be taken way back to that first love. i can't even say this piece is typical. i thought this was well written and effortless honestly. at least its how i perceive it as i read it. this was short and sweet never the less, and enough to cause a stir. this was really tight.

[Geno]

This was smooth. Good shit jw

[PancakeBrah]

She said that she loved me; childhood note with a box checked.
Played ring-around-the-rosie, since pacifiers and pog sets

This was a great opener. The rhyme was slick and the imagery was good. 'Pacifiers and pog sets' was nice. Good way to start.

She's always been emotionally offset. My bi-polar princess
But when i see her i disipate into her solar existence.

'Solar existence' was forced. I get what you were saying and maybe 'solar' makes sense (I don't think it does) but it was solely there for the rhyme. I liked how you structured the first line. By putting 'My bipolar princess' after the first sentence, and not the reverse, it had a much better effect. Almost condescending, but in reading the tone of the entire piece that wasn't what you were going for. Still, I liked it. Second line was a weak link wording wise.

No resisting, she instantly stole my heart from my chest.
If I was the target, cupids marksmanship never harbored neglect
When we were 10, Carved J+M in an oak tree with a carpenters pen
....It's those little details that im finding are hard to forget.

Using 'my' twice in the first line of this section felt a bit weird to me, I personally would've tried rewording it. Second line was solid, nothing crazy. I enjoyed the third line; it's a bit of a cliche but you're going for the personal touch (I'm assuming) in this piece so it seemed genuine and I liked the wording. Fourth line seems like a placeholder on the surface but the earnest nature, again, provides some depth.

Partial regret. I know, enough posts, but im just starting to vent
So i'll Spark another marlboro n' try to let go of everything spent

Not sure how to feel about the 'everything spent' wording. Maybe a little clunky? Also, did not like the the use of 'n''. You set a certain level of language usage with the lines prior to this and to use slang seemed a bit off. This seemed like a throwaway section to me.

Like the years, and how quickly they went, & how wasted they were
Affection was tainted with hatred, replacing what was sacred and pure
I just want someone to take it and make it a blurr
Cause containing this pain is like living in sickness with no claimable cure
Don't Label me, first try to see the pain i'm describing
Or maybe you canrelate & know a way to survive this..

Ending was okay, not as strong as the beginning.

I enjoyed the beginning of this piece but felt you tailed off a bit in the end. Overall I enjoyed this, mostly because these type of pieces are my favorite to read and write. I think you captured the feeling of being forlorn pretty well but some of the wording and ideas were generic. Felt genuine, which is probably the most important aspect. Just a bit too rote to be emotional enough to be great. Look forward to reading some more.

[Lars]

LOL

the thread title was dope as fuck

one of those ones where you think afterward its so simple you cant believe you havemnt thought of it before

....It's those little details that im finding are hard to forget.

i felt that line stood out especially, real relatable, for me at least

Affection was tainted with hatred, replacing what was sacred and pure

great rhyme placement for that line, would sound illy if you recorded this

keep that pen moving!

[Vulgar]

You're a good writer, most comments have already said what I would've. Decent display of the wholesome aspects of an illustrative verse. A longer verse would've put more emotion on display.

Keep doing you

[Just Write]

Good lookin fellaz. Ill get you all back on the feed tonight.. if not tonight, tmrw definitely