Netcees  

Go Back   Netcees > Forum > Open Mic Section

User Tag List

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12-01-2015, 05:02 PM   #1
sral
Shrewd as evearthed
 
sral's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Wolverhampton, England
Posts: 8,230
Battle Record: 28-3


Champed
- Gimmick Battle League
- The Winter Topical
- Topical Martyrs
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- Lyric Olympics
- Art of Writing League
- Guerrilla Writing League (2x)
- Black August II

Rep Power: 85899391
sral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond repute
Exclamation "Wishing On A Star"

I wished upon a star today ignoring the fact
it's distance was so far away it had already passed.
What I saw would have happened centuries ago
so all that I'd actually wished on was a memory of old.
It's evident there's no point in making a wish
- especially as I don't know if it's stasis exists!
In the time it's taken, and distance, for the light to traverse
the star may have diminished without us realising on Earth.
While we observe the stars we perceive in the skies
all kinds of divergence could have materialised.
Keeping in mind that were looking back on the past
and what we're seeing is lightyears after the fact!
The chances of having any luck with a wish
vanish dramatically if that same star no longer exists.
The juxtaposition showed me that perception is skewed,
- it's only by looking within you'll find a semblance of truth.
Never be fooled into believing everything that you see
question the truth, though it's in our instinct to believe.
That wish may have been made on a whim
- a singular dream, not changing a thing.
But it gave me a glimmering moment I chose
to be able to cling to, and hold on in hope.
I know it's remote, but by and in large,
it showed me the notion of light through the dark.
Good times through the hardships, though let it be said,
even the brightest of stars meet an eventual end.
It presented a sense of duality I hadn't considered
- the premise of death in contrast to that of the living.
Both have to exist to bring order and balance
to the polaritical laws of attraction.
Every cause has a standard effect that will follow it
- each plausible action, a consequence that's synonymous.
Many philosophers have debated in voice
if its inherent in consciousness, from Plato to Freud.
Love and hate are conjoined by common acknowledgement
- the dual face of a coin with opposite composites.
So logically following, life and death are oppugnant roles
if one of them's prompting the other, so must they both.
By looking closer at this, I realised that I'd seen
enough to show me that death wasn't as final as seemed.
Life has a means of coming full circle from death
as one cycle is reaching its purposeful end.
On a personal level, it's surprising of course
that there's a universal connection inside of us all.
There's nitrogen forming the DNA that marks who I am
- all derived from the core of a star that's collapsed.
At the heart of the matter, atoms from the time when it combust
form part of the calcium of our teeth and iron in our blood.
Without hydrogen's abundance we couldn't get to where we are
as life wouldn't have flourished, so we're indebted to the stars.
Essentially these particles of "stardust" are why that were alive
and distant relatives of ours still survive us in the skies.
So when I tightened up my eyes today and pondered hopefully
I'd finally arrived at the conclusion, you're still watching over me...


Rest in peace, David Adams.
__________________
- Netcees Rebuttal Tourney
- Art of Writing League (x 4)
- AOWL Season 11 Champion (Undefeated Season)
sral is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-02-2015, 07:08 AM   #2
MMLP
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 598
Battle Record: 15-16


Champed
- Write Week 9

Rep Power: 9768087
MMLP has a brilliant futureMMLP has a brilliant futureMMLP has a brilliant futureMMLP has a brilliant futureMMLP has a brilliant futureMMLP has a brilliant futureMMLP has a brilliant futureMMLP has a brilliant futureMMLP has a brilliant futureMMLP has a brilliant futureMMLP has a brilliant future
Default

11/10

You’ve text me little snippets of this but displaying all together in all its glory, this is amazing! Ending fitted perfectly and was very sweet.
I don’t even know where to start. I could quote so many bars, profound lines, hidden concepts that lie underneath the surface.

I’d like to hear people favourite lines/ analogies from this.

Let’s write again deuce!
I was actually thinking of it this morning we could choose one of the awol semi final topics (I haven’t peeped them yet) and write to it! its up to though let me know if ur free.
MMLP is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-02-2015, 05:44 PM   #3
Quarter O
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 109




Rep Power: 0
Quarter O Quarter O Quarter O Quarter O Quarter O Quarter O Quarter O Quarter O Quarter O Quarter O Quarter O
Default

Science infused with philosophies...

You are a thinker and got my screws turning..

I too wonder about the beyond and near.. you made it clear that it's all the same.

I must quote:

"By looking closer at this, I realised that I'd seen
enough to show me that death wasn't as final as seemed.
Life has a means of coming full circle from death
as one cycle is reaching its purposeful end.
On a personal level, it's surprising of course
that there's a universal connection inside of us all.
There's nitrogen forming the DNA that marks who I am
- all derived from the core of a star that's collapsed.
At the heart of the matter, atoms from the time when it combust
form part of the calcium of our teeth and iron in our blood.
Without hydrogen's abundance we couldn't get to where we are
as life wouldn't have flourished, so we're indebted to the stars.
Essentially these particles of "stardust" are why that were alive
and distant relatives of ours still survive us in the skies."

Phenomonel.. I've been taught.... I'm humbled.

Shit reminds me of how Canibus put shit down in his early to mid-2000 work.

That's a compliment in my opinion.

i'll be keeping a eye open, Truth.
Quarter O is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-03-2015, 12:57 AM   #4
Exis
............
 
Exis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,938
Battle Record: 3-3



Rep Power: 0
Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis Exis
Default

Chea...this was more than nice, do you write for the American accent? Since you English & all, flow was fuckin' yum with it...butter is an understatement. I love the first bar, shit really set the tone for the whole joint...I can't quote sorry as I'm on some retarded like phone...but yo, this was flames Lars, sraL, Baron or whatever the fuck you wanna be called, I've read this a few times over...shit fire my friend.

Stay the opposite of downwards.
Exis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-09-2015, 08:00 AM   #5
sral
Shrewd as evearthed
 
sral's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Wolverhampton, England
Posts: 8,230
Battle Record: 28-3


Champed
- Gimmick Battle League
- The Winter Topical
- Topical Martyrs
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- Lyric Olympics
- Art of Writing League
- Guerrilla Writing League (2x)
- Black August II

Rep Power: 85899391
sral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond repute
Default

RESPECT BRUHS!!!!

PPL SLEEPING THO!!!!!
__________________
- Netcees Rebuttal Tourney
- Art of Writing League (x 4)
- AOWL Season 11 Champion (Undefeated Season)
sral is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-23-2015, 01:55 PM   #6
Coup
Don't believe the hype
 
Coup's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 572
Battle Record: 4-5



Rep Power: 0
Coup Coup Coup Coup Coup Coup Coup Coup Coup Coup Coup
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MMLP View Post
I’d like to hear people favourite lines/ analogies from this.
The juxtaposition showed me that perception is skewed, it's only by looking within you'll find a semblance of truth.
Coup is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-23-2015, 03:07 PM   #7
UnbornBuddha
Senior Member
 
UnbornBuddha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
Battle Record: 23-10


Champed
- Art of Writing League
- AOWL Season 5

Rep Power: 23856375
UnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant futureUnbornBuddha has a brilliant future
Default

I enjoyed this tremendously. Coup summarized the overarching theme pretty nicely, I'll say. To be honest, it reminded me thematically of the verse you composed against me in the Martyrs league. Albeit, this one was less mathematical and therefore less precise. But, it brought another equation all together, one more based on the unison or interconnectivity of matter, from galactic entities down to the molecular level of ours. Albeit, the theme itself here isn't overly creative, in my opinion, its the microcosmic to macrocosmic comparison, something that is riddled in ancient philosophy. However, the way you synthesized scientific language and merged it with your philosophical points made it all seem very cohesive and strong. Making the term "reaching the stars" garner a whole new meaning, since the stars are coalesced into our being.

Good work!
UnbornBuddha is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-06-2016, 04:02 PM   #8
sral
Shrewd as evearthed
 
sral's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Wolverhampton, England
Posts: 8,230
Battle Record: 28-3


Champed
- Gimmick Battle League
- The Winter Topical
- Topical Martyrs
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- Lyric Olympics
- Art of Writing League
- Guerrilla Writing League (2x)
- Black August II

Rep Power: 85899391
sral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond repute
Default

Respect @Godcomplex
__________________
- Netcees Rebuttal Tourney
- Art of Writing League (x 4)
- AOWL Season 11 Champion (Undefeated Season)
sral is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-06-2018, 05:12 AM   #9
sral
Shrewd as evearthed
 
sral's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Wolverhampton, England
Posts: 8,230
Battle Record: 28-3


Champed
- Gimmick Battle League
- The Winter Topical
- Topical Martyrs
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- Lyric Olympics
- Art of Writing League
- Guerrilla Writing League (2x)
- Black August II

Rep Power: 85899391
sral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond reputesral has a reputation beyond repute
Default

Bumping as I'm proud of this one
__________________
- Netcees Rebuttal Tourney
- Art of Writing League (x 4)
- AOWL Season 11 Champion (Undefeated Season)
sral is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-06-2018, 07:11 PM   #10
Nick James
death to amen
 
Nick James's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,279
Battle Record: 1-2



Rep Power: 7423714
Nick James has a brilliant futureNick James has a brilliant futureNick James has a brilliant futureNick James has a brilliant futureNick James has a brilliant futureNick James has a brilliant futureNick James has a brilliant futureNick James has a brilliant futureNick James has a brilliant futureNick James has a brilliant futureNick James has a brilliant future
Default

holy shit that was dope
Nick James is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2018, 06:46 AM   #11
ACTIVATE SELF
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 732
Battle Record: 2-1


Champed
- Art of Writing League

Rep Power: 19584275
ACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant future
Default

I fed this years ago. Still dope.
ACTIVATE SELF is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2018, 12:09 PM   #12
Geno
White Earl
 
Geno's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Philly Cat.
Posts: 12,313
Battle Record: 10-15

Accomplishments
- Open Mic HOF (4x)

Champed
- Netcees Writers League
- Write Week I
- Write Week 8

Rep Power: 50036758
Geno has a brilliant futureGeno has a brilliant futureGeno has a brilliant futureGeno has a brilliant futureGeno has a brilliant futureGeno has a brilliant futureGeno has a brilliant futureGeno has a brilliant futureGeno has a brilliant futureGeno has a brilliant futureGeno has a brilliant future
Send a message via AIM to Geno
Default

This shit is crazt dope lars. God shit. It not only flows and puts great words into their perfect slots of syllabic control..this fucker gets your wheels turning in a different way yhen most pieces do. The concept.is a rather old one but picked apart in a really unique way that almost makes you want to say man wtf... No wonder them stupid fucking wishes never come true man. Ive seen plentyba shotting star in my time. Made a wish or two and apparently that shit is broken. But hey, we all knew that to begin with didnt we. Fuck it. Well done. Well.worded and written bruh
__________________
-A.bove T.he R.est
Geno is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-11-2018, 08:53 PM   #13
Alice
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 48




Rep Power: 53110
Alice has a brilliant futureAlice has a brilliant futureAlice has a brilliant futureAlice has a brilliant futureAlice has a brilliant futureAlice has a brilliant futureAlice has a brilliant futureAlice has a brilliant futureAlice has a brilliant futureAlice has a brilliant futureAlice has a brilliant future
Default

I remember reading this a few years ago, and it's still incredibly impressive. You make it seem simple and effortless (which, I guess, it might be to you) while still being able to incorporate various, intriguing references and concepts regarding interconnectedness. Your signature flow made it that much better, per usual. This is high quality writing, glad I got to read this again.
Alice is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-13-2018, 02:26 AM   #14
CopyPat
Mic Check
 
CopyPat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Calgary Alberta Canada
Posts: 707
Battle Record: 13-10



Rep Power: 3742221
CopyPat has a brilliant futureCopyPat has a brilliant futureCopyPat has a brilliant futureCopyPat has a brilliant futureCopyPat has a brilliant futureCopyPat has a brilliant futureCopyPat has a brilliant futureCopyPat has a brilliant futureCopyPat has a brilliant futureCopyPat has a brilliant futureCopyPat has a brilliant future
Send a message via AIM to CopyPat
Default

Really good. Just another all around solid polished piece to add do the collection of an accomplished veteran writer. not much else to say tbh, you know it's nice and why.

i've fucked with this exact style of ending the rhyme, grabbing it at the beginning of next bar then new rhyme, repeat etc. its kinda different and fun, but also actually a little difficult for bros like us that just wanna rhyme the shit outta one scheme for a bit you gotta force yourself to switch it up haha. shit was nice fam
__________________
My syllable count approximately a billion, bounce. You cannot compete.
CopyPat is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 02:31 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2024 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Google+