wk5: Greed (1-3) vs. Asylum (1-2) -- Greed 5-0

Adonis · 10-27-2014, 05:33 AM

AOWL Season IV, Week 3

OFFICIAL RULES:
Verses are due Thursday Oct 30th, extenstion to ALL, Halloween the 31st., 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Sunday, November 2nd, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

Topic:

Beyond Here Lies Nothin' – Bob Dylan

GoodLuck Pat @Greed

asylum · 10-27-2014, 10:22 AM

Nice. Good luck Greed.

Greed · 11-02-2014, 12:42 AM

Its dark

Ive taken the road less traveled, lost but never rattled
in my journey what concerns me is not the worry but the answer
In my pursuit of truth I sluth in various cities and taverns
or hike for miles take sight of isles and investigate the darkest caverns
I brought a lantern, its hard to see anything but the floor
My clothes are tattered, but I need not much to keep me warm
as far as banter, my inner monologue is the norm
I silenced the chatter, as I innocuously approached a door
The opperative of that sentence is 'a' door, not 'the' door
Ive left the main trail miles ago so why this is here im not sure
Civilization hasn't influenced this area, im lost in the allure
My curiosity is piqued so its only natural that i'll explore
the door, sturdy in frame, classic oak, interesting construction
Not worthy of fame, but the gold handle felt nice if you clutched it
Though the frame further suggested that the entire design was rustic
Whats was insane, was that this mystery door was attatched to nothing
well deep into the wilderness, I pondered with the notion
Of the doors presence, and purpose, as I slowly closed in
my heart is racing, my palms are shaking from the wonder and the hope that
this magical door is what ive been searching for all these years.... and then it opened

asylum · 11-02-2014, 01:17 AM

been praying discreetly through duct tape stuck to my teeth,
steel braids bitin deep abrasions in wrists that silently reach,
to strip the blind off my eyes so I see before screaming,
metal instrumentals gleaming like stars in the night,
on stainless steel trays next to my bed, on the right,
flesh coated ice picks and knives sit in a bin,
not quite out of sight, who felt their coldness within,
a dislocated thumb frees my hand and i cry,
the left follows suit, can't wait here to die,
chloroform's smell lingers and stings my eyes,
caressing my palate as balance returns,
it's taste challenging me to earn the malice to burn,
eyes from their sockets once a doorknob unlocks and turns.
click clack, scalpels in both fists flash swiftly, inflicting slits and gashes,
arteries' splashin my arms drain as he's passing,
squirming, twisting, gasping, I hear myself laughing,
he falls and sits back, both eyes reflecting his neck's geyser,
stare towards the door that smells of death and fire,
i follow his gaze clutching blades that once tasted my skin,
and walk slowly into the darkness, choking on thirst for revenge.

timeless · 11-02-2014, 08:08 AM

Enjoyed the horrorcore type of genocide patrown showed with words, but the drunken keystylist was outmatched by greed's endeavors. Greed left a lot of open ended questions in regards to his story. Nevertheless, i'll take effort over forced lyrics anyday.

V. Greed

zygote · 11-02-2014, 11:09 AM

Both submissions might have been improved if they had given more context in the beginning. It's hard to really get into it when it's unclear where the action is taking place. This was an even bigger problem for asylum because it was a first person narration. It was difficult to create that mental image of the nameless character within the story when the setting wasn't clearly defined. My voting rationale here is close, but the deciding factor has to be the nine lines about describing the door. I really really enjoyed the detail and effort you put into describing this door and how you felt about this door. E.g., "Though the frame further suggested that the entire design was rustic." Again, because of a lack of context I didn't understand why this door was so important, but it was very cool regardless. Voting for Greed.

Dominate · 11-02-2014, 12:37 PM

Greed - the opening four lines probably needed another four to back them up and give your character some grounding. What was the truth he was searching for in taverns or caverns? Why was he a wanderer? After that, I thought your narrative was pretty good. Particularity your fleshed out description of the door and the character's curiosity about it. Only line I hated was the 'a door not the door' one - not for its content but for its tone, which was at odds with the tone of the rest of the verse IMO - it was jarring. Overall pretty good though.

Asylum - creative concept... not 100% on its connection to the topic. I think you were going for it as in, after the character's ordeal he becomes kind of numb, in a way? i.e. beyond that ordeal he's a husk of a person - "nothing" ... ? If so, I think that's a dope interpretation of the topic butttt the closing line/s wasn't/weren't right - a thirst for revenge isn't numbness/nothing. If you were going for any other connection to the topic I missed it =(. The writing and description was very good though in the opening lines... I wasn't digging the second half as much... all of it was horrorcore-ish but the first half also served to describe the situation and surroundings, where the second half was just typing about doing violent shit.

Pretty close but I think Greed got it... I think if asylum's had fleshed out the concept I thought he was going for better he would've won it for having a more creative take on the topic. But as is I favoured Greed, just slightly.

V/ Greed

Three-Planes-Aligned · 11-03-2014, 04:45 PM

Comparable pieces, if not thematically then at least in terms of verbiage, mechanics and linguistic execution. Both were also underdeveloped in terms of set-up and pay-off, narrative skeleton and the whathaveyous of storytelling. My vote goes to Greed, because his piece was driven by something akin to conceptual coherence whereas asylum went the path of morbid imagery (and post-80s horror movies you pretty much have to produce actual snuff film type material to jar ye olde demented sensibilities)

King Ra. · 11-03-2014, 06:47 PM

I must admit, I am surprised. I expected patrown to come in & take this fairly easily, but this wasn't such the case. Greed, I am impressed at your progress as the weeks have come & gone. You've really been stepping up & this has to be by far your best drop of the season thus far. While the story itself wasn't exactly great, I think the tone you set really brought everything into perspective. I, too, was very intrigued by the "door" when you introduced it half way through. From there your story reeled me in. Where the beginning lacked a bit, the mid to ending made up for it majorly. I didn't like the a/the door part- it could have been left out. Nonetheless, a solid drop from you. patrown, I was left with more questions than answers or coming to a conclusion. I take it your verse was horror related (Halloween inspired?) but outside of that, there were too many missing elements in your tale. There wasn't enough distinction & visuals really. The little you did have came off a bit generic. While the rhyming/lyricism was okay, the story just doesn't hold up as much as your opponent. I don't know how much time you truly invested in your verse, it seems like very little, which is why there are so many glaring holes.

MVGT: Greed. Good job by both competitors.

10-27-2014, 05:33 AM	#1
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946446	wk5: Greed (1-3) vs. Asylum (1-2) -- Greed 5-0 AOWL Season IV, Week 3 OFFICIAL RULES: Verses are due Thursday Oct 30th, extenstion to ALL, Halloween the 31st., 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions. Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words). Votes are due Sunday, November 2nd, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week. Topic: Beyond Here Lies Nothin' – Bob Dylan GoodLuck Pat @Greed __________________ I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR Last edited by Adonis; 10-27-2014 at 11:31 AM.

11-02-2014, 01:17 AM	#4
asylum Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 993 Battle Record: 7-5 Rep Power: 8214208	been praying discreetly through duct tape stuck to my teeth, steel braids bitin deep abrasions in wrists that silently reach, to strip the blind off my eyes so I see before screaming, metal instrumentals gleaming like stars in the night, on stainless steel trays next to my bed, on the right, flesh coated ice picks and knives sit in a bin, not quite out of sight, who felt their coldness within, a dislocated thumb frees my hand and i cry, the left follows suit, can't wait here to die, chloroform's smell lingers and stings my eyes, caressing my palate as balance returns, it's taste challenging me to earn the malice to burn, eyes from their sockets once a doorknob unlocks and turns. click clack, scalpels in both fists flash swiftly, inflicting slits and gashes, arteries' splashin my arms drain as he's passing, squirming, twisting, gasping, I hear myself laughing, he falls and sits back, both eyes reflecting his neck's geyser, stare towards the door that smells of death and fire, i follow his gaze clutching blades that once tasted my skin, and walk slowly into the darkness, choking on thirst for revenge. Last edited by asylum; 11-02-2014 at 03:41 AM.

11-02-2014, 12:37 PM	#7
Dominate Tread Lightly. Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 2,309 Battle Record: 26-9 Champed - Netcees Battle League - Battle Arena - Tag Team Tournament III - Tag Tournament: "Omicron Variant" Rep Power: 18197456	Greed - the opening four lines probably needed another four to back them up and give your character some grounding. What was the truth he was searching for in taverns or caverns? Why was he a wanderer? After that, I thought your narrative was pretty good. Particularity your fleshed out description of the door and the character's curiosity about it. Only line I hated was the 'a door not the door' one - not for its content but for its tone, which was at odds with the tone of the rest of the verse IMO - it was jarring. Overall pretty good though. Asylum - creative concept... not 100% on its connection to the topic. I think you were going for it as in, after the character's ordeal he becomes kind of numb, in a way? i.e. beyond that ordeal he's a husk of a person - "nothing" ... ? If so, I think that's a dope interpretation of the topic butttt the closing line/s wasn't/weren't right - a thirst for revenge isn't numbness/nothing. If you were going for any other connection to the topic I missed it =(. The writing and description was very good though in the opening lines... I wasn't digging the second half as much... all of it was horrorcore-ish but the first half also served to describe the situation and surroundings, where the second half was just typing about doing violent shit. Pretty close but I think Greed got it... I think if asylum's had fleshed out the concept I thought he was going for better he would've won it for having a more creative take on the topic. But as is I favoured Greed, just slightly. V/ Greed __________________ The Bad Guys

11-03-2014, 06:47 PM	#9
King Ra. The Throne, The Crown Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 2,667 Battle Record: 21-35 Rep Power: 1932960	I must admit, I am surprised. I expected patrown to come in & take this fairly easily, but this wasn't such the case. Greed, I am impressed at your progress as the weeks have come & gone. You've really been stepping up & this has to be by far your best drop of the season thus far. While the story itself wasn't exactly great, I think the tone you set really brought everything into perspective. I, too, was very intrigued by the "door" when you introduced it half way through. From there your story reeled me in. Where the beginning lacked a bit, the mid to ending made up for it majorly. I didn't like the a/the door part- it could have been left out. Nonetheless, a solid drop from you. patrown, I was left with more questions than answers or coming to a conclusion. I take it your verse was horror related (Halloween inspired?) but outside of that, there were too many missing elements in your tale. There wasn't enough distinction & visuals really. The little you did have came off a bit generic. While the rhyming/lyricism was okay, the story just doesn't hold up as much as your opponent. I don't know how much time you truly invested in your verse, it seems like very little, which is why there are so many glaring holes. MVGT: Greed. Good job by both competitors. __________________ Vetwork, bitches.

10-27-2014, 10:22 AM	#2
asylum Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 993 Battle Record: 7-5 Rep Power: 8214208	Nice. Good luck Greed.

11-02-2014, 12:42 AM	#3
Greed Raw Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 1,727 Battle Record: 21-40 Rep Power: 29975684	Its dark Ive taken the road less traveled, lost but never rattled in my journey what concerns me is not the worry but the answer In my pursuit of truth I sluth in various cities and taverns or hike for miles take sight of isles and investigate the darkest caverns I brought a lantern, its hard to see anything but the floor My clothes are tattered, but I need not much to keep me warm as far as banter, my inner monologue is the norm I silenced the chatter, as I innocuously approached a door The opperative of that sentence is 'a' door, not 'the' door Ive left the main trail miles ago so why this is here im not sure Civilization hasn't influenced this area, im lost in the allure My curiosity is piqued so its only natural that i'll explore the door, sturdy in frame, classic oak, interesting construction Not worthy of fame, but the gold handle felt nice if you clutched it Though the frame further suggested that the entire design was rustic Whats was insane, was that this mystery door was attatched to nothing well deep into the wilderness, I pondered with the notion Of the doors presence, and purpose, as I slowly closed in my heart is racing, my palms are shaking from the wonder and the hope that this magical door is what ive been searching for all these years.... and then it opened

11-02-2014, 08:08 AM	#5
timeless past tense Join Date: Nov 2013 Location: NJ Posts: 1,627 Battle Record: 22-39 Rep Power: 4341325	Enjoyed the horrorcore type of genocide patrown showed with words, but the drunken keystylist was outmatched by greed's endeavors. Greed left a lot of open ended questions in regards to his story. Nevertheless, i'll take effort over forced lyrics anyday. V. Greed

11-02-2014, 11:09 AM	#6
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 502 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737825	Both submissions might have been improved if they had given more context in the beginning. It's hard to really get into it when it's unclear where the action is taking place. This was an even bigger problem for asylum because it was a first person narration. It was difficult to create that mental image of the nameless character within the story when the setting wasn't clearly defined. My voting rationale here is close, but the deciding factor has to be the nine lines about describing the door. I really really enjoyed the detail and effort you put into describing this door and how you felt about this door. E.g., "Though the frame further suggested that the entire design was rustic." Again, because of a lack of context I didn't understand why this door was so important, but it was very cool regardless. Voting for Greed.

11-03-2014, 04:45 PM	#8
Three-Planes-Aligned Hyphenated Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: The Black Lodge Posts: 79 Battle Record: 7-8 Rep Power: 549509	Comparable pieces, if not thematically then at least in terms of verbiage, mechanics and linguistic execution. Both were also underdeveloped in terms of set-up and pay-off, narrative skeleton and the whathaveyous of storytelling. My vote goes to Greed, because his piece was driven by something akin to conceptual coherence whereas asylum went the path of morbid imagery (and post-80s horror movies you pretty much have to produce actual snuff film type material to jar ye olde demented sensibilities)