Week 11: Adonis vs Innovator [ADONIS 6-1

asylum · 05-13-2016, 06:04 AM

Season 6

Verses are due MONDAY 5/16 11:59 PST

Voting ends WEDNESDAY 5/18 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic:

Good luck to both participants.
@Adonis (3-5) @Innovator (2-4)

Inno · 05-17-2016, 03:39 PM

Sprawling cityscapes adorn as the concrete meditates
Tires screeching bouncing heat off the walls as the city hydrates
While irate people hoof along the paths carved by centuries
forming a line of feet marching along like aimless centipedes
The street never sleeps but no one seems to mind that
As the moons pass, each sun bath, the many star lamps.
The years pass but life never changes, i live an infinite part
Repeating with each new spark, creating the same charge.

Cruising between the yells and the hand waves.
The wind blows a sweet breeze from fields in spades.
A yellow blur among the clashing greys bouncimg off the window pains.
But the whole city hurts. Covered in reflections of each other
Hoping to see ourselves under citys smog cloud cover.
In the many puddles that sit perfectly aligned with the sky
Amongst the leafs and acorns that fall in the fall and die.

I witness this in my yellow carriage partaking among the lives
Sharing their best moments, keeping their worst nights.

Adonis · 05-18-2016, 03:18 AM

Absolute emptiness, Absorbing all light
Supreme gravity exposing known life
Air tight, vacuum sealing each breath
Murderous density revealing of Death
This Black Hole peers through the abyss
Sheer force thats unreal yet clearly exists

…

They move in the shadows
Silent and swift, folklore meets myth
Friend or foe? Elusive in valor
Protector of us, applause? They’re as useless as cowards
Suit and tie, all black from socks to the shades
Defenders of man, Foilers of plans
E.T. is free to land, then they’re off to the chase
Tailored protection, all black, proceed cautiously mate

…

Throw up your arm, wave it about
Grab attention of driver, waiting aloud
In a rush to leave, point A to point B
Vehicle nears with a soft squeal of brakes when released
Door opens, “Need a lift?” A heavy accent of speech
You reply, “Big Ben” as you awkwardly glance at your watch
Off you go, Hackney Carriage, jitters dance and won’t stop
Life is real, you’re driving in the most infamous car
All black Taxicab, picked up your bucket list and kicked it to Mars

Mr. J · 05-18-2016, 02:28 PM

Inno, a great descriptive tale with some nice wording
the sound & the feels, action & reaction, the internal workings..
the good & the bad, the heat & the cold its all quite extravagant
your stint in the poetry league brought its share of advantages
also its window pane...not pains, regardless I liked the usage.
you dont focus on wild multis & let your simplicity remain obtrusive.
aside from a few errors you craft a delectable tale when you show
hopefully you will stay in the league until the end....ya know?

Winery, this was an interesting twist on the topic.
I read it a few times to understand the vibe you flaunted.
the idea of death as a cab driver is brought together nicely
but the idea of a Frenchmen & the use of *mate* is unlikely
the throw up your arm sequence seemed club songesque.
also the idea of ET & mars could be interpreted in the wrong sense.
aside from that I feel your approach was cool & quite original
if you focused more you would be a dangerous individual...

v/this is a toughie due to both writers using differing styles
I like the way Inno took the descriptive approach an extra mile.
while Adonis took a more original approach while delving deep
Adonis could have cut the ET portion & acted more selfishly...
less is more when it comes to the type of approach that you took
its interesting watching two poetic minds bringing the topical a new look.
I think Im going to have to give this one to Adonis though..
this could go either way because both did work with their topic yo....
but I have Adonis taking this one, nice work young thugs

Three-Planes-Aligned · 05-18-2016, 03:03 PM

Innovator:

Somber, fairly pictorial, but also fairly predictable as far as observational accounts go. Needs an extra element (take your pick): over-arching metaphor, surrealism, mechanical polish, characterization, etc. etc.

Adonis:

Had a line structure that reminded of author James Ellroy's writing style: staccato, restricted - but in so being also stimulating for the imagination. I like air.

Slightly sharper technical execution and more substance (pretty much that extra element) dictates vote goes to Adonis

Artifice · 05-18-2016, 06:31 PM

Innovator

Cool little piece here, a pretty basic flip on the topic. I felt like it ended somewhat quickly and abruptly, like it was cut short of what it could've been. That being said, I really dug the opening, in particular the second couplet:

While irate people hoof along the paths carved by centuries
forming a line of feet marching along like aimless centipedes

that was really cool. I think if you're verse had more of this kind of writing in it, it would really kick it up a notch. Still a fun read.

Adonis

That opening bit was real nice. It opens the direction you took the topic, which is also really cool. This didn't blow my mind, but it was concise and it worked well. For someone who isn't feeling like writing, you pulled a nice one off here.

Overall I got Adonis taking it with a more interesting take on the topic and a slightly more flushed out piece.

v/ Adonis

UnbornBuddha · 05-18-2016, 09:19 PM

Innovator you had some nice imagery, fitting as the spectator of the city took note of the myriad sights therein. I liked the portrait, but did have an element of detachment that made the piece feel intangible. Feels like there could have been something more impactful that would have made the observations more important for the readers.

Adonis: I get the allusion of it but don't understand this idea of "Mars" and why that was chosen as the destination for the afterlife. I also think your first stanza is your weakest, mostly because you painted the void but chose to do it in a typical fashion and could have added more of a unique vision to its emptiness. The words were the kind one tends to expect when describing such things, add a little spice to it, something less expected even when describing nothingness.

Vote: Adonis (I think his piece covers a bit more ground). It's a close battle though.

Razah · 05-19-2016, 01:02 AM

Not too impressed with this battle, to be honest.

Innovator had a very poetic approach in my eyes. I enjoyed certain wording that lead to great imagery, but besides that, it was just a decent verse. Sorry for being short on this, but it was a short verse & left me wanting more in all aspects.

Adonis, also had a poetic approach. The real short lines made for a quick / smooth read. I'm confused about the whole Mars situation, but maybe I'm just stupid, who knows. Not one of your best verses, but it was a tad bit better than Inno's if you ask me. I'm pretty sure it was the smaller amount of syllables per line that made for a smooth read.

*shrugs, Im'a gonna have to go with Adonis just because it read better.

vAdonis

asylum · 05-19-2016, 02:13 AM

Innovator – nailed your topic pretty good, rhymes were alittle off or I didn’t catch the slant. I liked your last bar the most but enjoyed the piece in it’s entirety.
Adonis – I think this was a piece about elon musk and his space endeavor? Pretty dope man. The beginning had me thinking about space then the second stanza pointed me towards business, and the taxi elements in the last stanza led me to my conclusion.

/Adonis – more complete piece, rhymes were more on point too.

Frank · 05-19-2016, 04:37 PM

BOTW
MVGT: Innovator

Pardon the brevity, Innovator, Adonis, you are the last of the Mohicans. The LPGA biggest contributors. The last of the dying breed... Powerful battle, when blended into collaborative perspective, ignoring the restrictive, judgmental notions of competition, the two of you simply painted our town red. Errr. Yellow. One writer gave me the more yellowier, ''taxier'' vibe,yakno? Innovator, Cruising under sun bathed sprawling cityscapes, where yelling hands wave. Bravo. Essence.

05-13-2016, 06:04 AM	#1
asylum Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 993 Battle Record: 7-5 Rep Power: 8214208	Week 11: Adonis vs Innovator [ADONIS 6-1 Season 6 Verses are due MONDAY 5/16 11:59 PST Voting ends WEDNESDAY 5/18 11:59 PST Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread. Topic: Good luck to both participants. @Adonis (3-5) @Innovator (2-4) Last edited by Adonis; 05-20-2016 at 11:56 AM.

05-17-2016, 03:39 PM	#2
Inno Ad mini tator Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 10,005 Battle Record: 26-54 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - Black August - 1-2 Punch League Rep Power: 85899400	Sprawling cityscapes adorn as the concrete meditates Tires screeching bouncing heat off the walls as the city hydrates While irate people hoof along the paths carved by centuries forming a line of feet marching along like aimless centipedes The street never sleeps but no one seems to mind that As the moons pass, each sun bath, the many star lamps. The years pass but life never changes, i live an infinite part Repeating with each new spark, creating the same charge. Cruising between the yells and the hand waves. The wind blows a sweet breeze from fields in spades. A yellow blur among the clashing greys bouncimg off the window pains. But the whole city hurts. Covered in reflections of each other Hoping to see ourselves under citys smog cloud cover. In the many puddles that sit perfectly aligned with the sky Amongst the leafs and acorns that fall in the fall and die. I witness this in my yellow carriage partaking among the lives Sharing their best moments, keeping their worst nights. Last edited by Inno; 05-17-2016 at 11:07 PM.

05-18-2016, 03:18 AM	#3
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946446	Absolute emptiness, Absorbing all light Supreme gravity exposing known life Air tight, vacuum sealing each breath Murderous density revealing of Death This Black Hole peers through the abyss Sheer force thats unreal yet clearly exists … They move in the shadows Silent and swift, folklore meets myth Friend or foe? Elusive in valor Protector of us, applause? They’re as useless as cowards Suit and tie, all black from socks to the shades Defenders of man, Foilers of plans E.T. is free to land, then they’re off to the chase Tailored protection, all black, proceed cautiously mate … Throw up your arm, wave it about Grab attention of driver, waiting aloud In a rush to leave, point A to point B Vehicle nears with a soft squeal of brakes when released Door opens, “Need a lift?” A heavy accent of speech You reply, “Big Ben” as you awkwardly glance at your watch Off you go, Hackney Carriage, jitters dance and won’t stop Life is real, you’re driving in the most infamous car All black Taxicab, picked up your bucket list and kicked it to Mars __________________ I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR

05-18-2016, 02:28 PM	#4
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,025 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349678	Inno, a great descriptive tale with some nice wording the sound & the feels, action & reaction, the internal workings.. the good & the bad, the heat & the cold its all quite extravagant your stint in the poetry league brought its share of advantages also its window pane...not pains, regardless I liked the usage. you dont focus on wild multis & let your simplicity remain obtrusive. aside from a few errors you craft a delectable tale when you show hopefully you will stay in the league until the end....ya know? Winery, this was an interesting twist on the topic. I read it a few times to understand the vibe you flaunted. the idea of death as a cab driver is brought together nicely but the idea of a Frenchmen & the use of mate is unlikely the throw up your arm sequence seemed club songesque. also the idea of ET & mars could be interpreted in the wrong sense. aside from that I feel your approach was cool & quite original if you focused more you would be a dangerous individual... v/this is a toughie due to both writers using differing styles I like the way Inno took the descriptive approach an extra mile. while Adonis took a more original approach while delving deep Adonis could have cut the ET portion & acted more selfishly... less is more when it comes to the type of approach that you took its interesting watching two poetic minds bringing the topical a new look. I think Im going to have to give this one to Adonis though.. this could go either way because both did work with their topic yo.... but I have Adonis taking this one, nice work young thugs __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

05-19-2016, 04:37 PM	#10
Frank Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 3,228 Champed - NWL Season 2 - Art of Writing League (5x) - Lime Green Poetry Association - AOWL Season 6 - AOWL Season 10 Rep Power: 3853343	BOTW *MVGT:* Innovator Pardon the brevity, Innovator, Adonis, you are the last of the Mohicans. The LPGA biggest contributors. The last of the dying breed... Powerful battle, when blended into collaborative perspective, ignoring the restrictive, judgmental notions of competition, the two of you simply painted our town red. Errr. Yellow. One writer gave me the more yellowier, ''taxier'' vibe,yakno? Innovator, Cruising under sun bathed sprawling cityscapes, where yelling hands wave. Bravo. Essence. __________________ *VETWORK*

05-18-2016, 03:03 PM	#5
Three-Planes-Aligned Hyphenated Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: The Black Lodge Posts: 79 Battle Record: 7-8 Rep Power: 549509	Innovator: Somber, fairly pictorial, but also fairly predictable as far as observational accounts go. Needs an extra element (take your pick): over-arching metaphor, surrealism, mechanical polish, characterization, etc. etc. Adonis: Had a line structure that reminded of author James Ellroy's writing style: staccato, restricted - but in so being also stimulating for the imagination. I like air. Slightly sharper technical execution and more substance (pretty much that extra element) dictates vote goes to Adonis

05-18-2016, 06:31 PM	#6
Artifice Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2016 Posts: 269 Battle Record: 17-9 Champed - Art Of Writing League - GWL Picture Challenge Rep Power: 3944945	Innovator Cool little piece here, a pretty basic flip on the topic. I felt like it ended somewhat quickly and abruptly, like it was cut short of what it could've been. That being said, I really dug the opening, in particular the second couplet: While irate people hoof along the paths carved by centuries forming a line of feet marching along like aimless centipedes that was really cool. I think if you're verse had more of this kind of writing in it, it would really kick it up a notch. Still a fun read. Adonis That opening bit was real nice. It opens the direction you took the topic, which is also really cool. This didn't blow my mind, but it was concise and it worked well. For someone who isn't feeling like writing, you pulled a nice one off here. Overall I got Adonis taking it with a more interesting take on the topic and a slightly more flushed out piece. v/ Adonis

05-18-2016, 09:19 PM	#7
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856375	Innovator you had some nice imagery, fitting as the spectator of the city took note of the myriad sights therein. I liked the portrait, but did have an element of detachment that made the piece feel intangible. Feels like there could have been something more impactful that would have made the observations more important for the readers. Adonis: I get the allusion of it but don't understand this idea of "Mars" and why that was chosen as the destination for the afterlife. I also think your first stanza is your weakest, mostly because you painted the void but chose to do it in a typical fashion and could have added more of a unique vision to its emptiness. The words were the kind one tends to expect when describing such things, add a little spice to it, something less expected even when describing nothingness. Vote: Adonis (I think his piece covers a bit more ground). It's a close battle though.

05-19-2016, 01:02 AM	#8
Razah rockkFresh Join Date: Apr 2015 Location: Chicago. Posts: 1,088 Battle Record: 8-10 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 11328542	Not too impressed with this battle, to be honest. Innovator had a very poetic approach in my eyes. I enjoyed certain wording that lead to great imagery, but besides that, it was just a decent verse. Sorry for being short on this, but it was a short verse & left me wanting more in all aspects. Adonis, also had a poetic approach. The real short lines made for a quick / smooth read. I'm confused about the whole Mars situation, but maybe I'm just stupid, who knows. Not one of your best verses, but it was a tad bit better than Inno's if you ask me. I'm pretty sure it was the smaller amount of syllables per line that made for a smooth read. *shrugs, Im'a gonna have to go with Adonis just because it read better. vAdonis

05-19-2016, 02:13 AM	#9
asylum Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 993 Battle Record: 7-5 Rep Power: 8214208	Innovator – nailed your topic pretty good, rhymes were alittle off or I didn’t catch the slant. I liked your last bar the most but enjoyed the piece in it’s entirety. Adonis – I think this was a piece about elon musk and his space endeavor? Pretty dope man. The beginning had me thinking about space then the second stanza pointed me towards business, and the taxi elements in the last stanza led me to my conclusion. /Adonis – more complete piece, rhymes were more on point too.