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Old 09-01-2014, 03:02 AM   #1
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Default Round 2: 3. Split vs. R. Cormier \\ Split wins 4-3



Welcome to Round 2!

The Basics

Check-ins are not required but are always appreciated.

Verses are due Thursday, Sept. 4 at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday, Sept. 7 at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Four votes are required from each competitor. For each missing vote, one vote will be deducted. Post proof of voting here.

Verses may not exceed 10 lines. If the length of a writer's lines is called into question, the standard will be 15 words per line, and verses of more than 150 words will be disqualified or required to be shortened.

Standard writing and voting rules are in effect. No biting. No recycling. Votes must be explained. No editing verses after the first vote or the verses deadline. Any other issues will be resolved using Art of Writing League Season 3 rules as the basis.


Topic


Firestarter


Good luck, @Split and @Cormier.
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Old 09-05-2014, 12:26 AM   #2
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FIRESTARTER

Dear Diary,

I warned them: stop disrespecting me! I’m no basement dweller
I want to have my cake and eat it, too; not be placed in cellars
They talked over me; ignored me; acted like everything’s fine
But in time, the straw that broke the camel’s back was losing my Swingline
Fuck Bill! Fuck the Bobs! And most importantly, fuck Initech!
Who just lets someone learn they’re laid off when they stop getting checks?
But now I have traveler’s checks to make my vacation days so swell
This is a great hotel! Who would have thought that arson would pay so well?
My words may come out garbled, but my head is clear when I try thinking
My days used to be spent collating, now they’ll be spent mai tai drinking…


…NO SALT!

-Diary entry from Milton Waddams, suspected arson
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Old 09-05-2014, 01:43 AM   #3
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John and Alaina's marriage was odd, abnormally candid.
Smoldering. In shambles. The aurora borealis
couldn't hold a candle to the light display that
his wife would make as John made an outing,
knowing he'd be as faithful as the sun
to the embraces of an icy, barren earth.
Everyone knows. I would've married her.
But my friend John seemed as good a match as any-
and knowing her, despite my mattress envy...
thank God I'm not growing colder in a controlled burn.
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Old 09-05-2014, 02:22 AM   #4
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Cormier;

Eh. I had misgivings, with hope, this far;

"I warned them: stop disrespecting me! I’m no basement dweller
I want to have my cake and eat it, too; not be placed in cellars
They talked over me; ignored me; acted like everything’s fine
But in time, the straw that broke the camel’s back was losing my Swingline"

I knew the direction, here. I knew where it was going. Your rhymes didn't wow me, the technical prowess wasn't overpowering. But I thought I saw a glimmer, that you'd bring it home. Anyone reading this thinking it wouldn't be gimmick might have the possibility of being entranced by a clean finish. Count me in on that. But then;

"Fuck Bill! Fuck the Bobs! And most importantly, fuck Initech!
Who just lets someone learn they’re laid off when they stop getting checks?
But now I have traveler’s checks to make my vacation days so swell
This is a great hotel! Who would have thought that arson would pay so well?
My words may come out garbled, but my head is clear when I try thinking
My days used to be spent collating, now they’ll be spent mai tai drinking…"

I've switched my position on these types of pieces a few times in my voting history. Zygote does these well, but he approaches serious parables. You're more in the Pinot Grij lane but at about 1/2 the quality. With this verse, the payoff is the fact you're referencing a known quantity. With Pinot the payoff is how he twists that known quantity. Against lesser opponents this type of strategy can work. It's quick and dirty. But against someone like Split you need more nuance. I haven't read Split's verse, but just the average of the cumulative Split oeuvre.

I guess this calls into question the very basis of voting as a basis for winning topicals. I'm not a huge fan of humorous verses, but this wasn't humorous so that's neither here nor there. Pinot does it best. This here is some facsimile of humor. Quirky for the point of the quirk. I'm sure some voters will like your approach but unless you have a deft touch and natural comedic touch I don't think you should do these type of pieces. Maybe you have it, but it wasn't displayed here.

I think I'm being overly harsh? You're not a bad writer. This wasn't a bad piece, in terms of the average written topical on this site (YDK represents the mean). Here's the real problem; you revealed your comedy in the middle of your verse with the word 'Initech'. Either let it be known from the go or try and do the twist thing.

Positive. Your wording was good. Or at least not a negative. I think your rhymes were solid enough not to warrant a negative. You had an idea, and you ran with it. I'm usually against post scripts but your "...NO SALT!" was actually pretty good.

Back to the basis of voters determining the better writer thing. Scattershot vote here, I'm sorry. As a voter I'm more into serious pieces, which lends me to like melodrama more than hacky comedy. Which is a fault. I think I judge 'funny' pieces more harshly. But I've voted for them before. I don't think you pulled off a top level comedic verse here. It was more a reference to a movie that was funny, a funny character. You failed to nuance it or make me laugh. I think you have the tools, if this verse is evidence, to be a "respected guy" here. You're not a bad writer. But this wasn't for me.

Split:

Good, but not as good as your last round. Or your peak form. I think 10 line or short form is your strength. Or, the format where voters will most appreciate your strengths.

I'm notoriously dumb when it comes to interpreting non-plainly stated verses. This is because I'm dumb, generally. The general outline of your verse, to me, is that Alaina is a whore. Or, cheats on John. John's faithful. You'd have been John if things were aligned differently, but knowing what you (or the narrator of this piece if it's not you) know now, you're fine with the missed opportunity. Even if she's a mighty fine lay. How I read it.

Your strength is your wording, pacing, phrasing, and confidence. Which are, obviously, all top line strengths to have. Your rhyming was intricate, intricate in a way I try to do. The rhymes were complex but not in a 17 syllable way. They were soft, "slanted", but consistent while complimenting your wording. That's the trick, in my opinion. Being complex while focusing on wording. I think you do that better than most everyone here and with such a short frame to work within that mechanic is brought to the fore.

Your ending was great, in terms of lead up, feeling, and rhyme. I think my biggest problem with these short verses is the ending but you nailed it here and last week. I'm not sure if your writing has improved or you're just in a competition that accentuates your strengths, but either way you're on a roll through the first two rounds. First round was noticeably better than this, though.

--

I liked reading both. Split was more towards my sensibilities; Cormier wasn't good enough to counterbalance.

v/split
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Old 09-05-2014, 04:34 AM   #5
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Cormier - office space? This verse screams office space to me and if im wrong so be it, but its 130 am and im in a car sooo im not googling that name. Anyways the verse itself: characteristic smooth progression and accurate writers voice. You accomplished a lot with few lines - back story, emotion, and a full timeline. I think in the bigger picture the more story focused writing felt underwhelming with such a large line constriction.

Split -- I feel like your verse suffered severely from the line limit. It divulged a good amount of information, but almost none at the same time. The approach to the topic was refreshing but the impact of the verse to me was lackluster. Arrrg

Vote - Cormier

I think he did more with the given space.

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Old 09-05-2014, 03:21 PM   #6
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I apologize if my votes aren't as in depth as usual, I'm reading and voting on my phone right now.

Cormier: cool little piece. I feel like this is very different from what I usually read from you, which is kind of a nice change. By the time I got to the swingline bar, I knew who it was. I was kind of on the fence with how well spoken, or well-thought he sounded, but you addressed that at the end too haha. My only real complaint is that it was pretty by the books. we didn't learn anything new about Milton, except that he thinks better than he speaks. It was fairly matter of fact otherwise. this is what happened. It would have been cool to dive into his psyche a little more. But overall, cool piece. Nice ending.

Split: it took me a couple reads to really capture everything. But this was dope. Obviously your schemes and cadence was a bit all over the place, but the story was told well. On this platform, I don't know if I like that though. In places I was able to find little weird inner rhymes, but in other places it appeared as if flow and rhyme were just kind of thrown out the window. That being said, your piece definitely invoked more emotion, and had more depth to it. The main dude is in love with some BITCH who married some DICKHEAD and the main dude is like "I'd rather love you from afar than be part of a failing marriage" which is like word. But he's kind of a pussy. But you still kind of feel for him. Overall, good story, but the mechanics were kind of shit.

This is a tough vote. The part of me who likes mechanics wants to give it to Cormier. But I feel like split really out-storied corm... Ugh. I'm gonna give it to Split. But step your mechanics up if you're still here next round.
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Old 09-06-2014, 09:47 AM   #7
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Cormier: I love Office Space, as anyone who has ever spent time working in an office probably does. Writing a journal entry from milton worked well for the topic, and is a clever contrivance no doubt. here's my beef though. I didn't get much from your verse other than a straightforward retelling of what the character did in the movie. yes, it was an internal monologue here, but there was nothing new within the verse. in that regard, it just fell flat to me. your writing was strong, but there wasn't a strong enough identity to the verse, so to speak, other than the cribbing of a well-known character. With a more unique twist or infusion of humor, you possibly could have pulled it off. But this came off as plain to me.

Split: you took a risk with the structure here, as I'm sure you're aware. At times, it worked - the first 3-4 lines was an intricate weaving of rhymes. But afterwards, I struggled to discern any rhyme, and I don't like that. As a free verse style poem, great. But I do value strong rhymes in this format, as it is a hip-hop site and a variance of a hip-hop style competition. So that's that.

The story was exceptional, though. The metaphoric musing of being a cuckold worked well here, and your naturalist descriptions of aurora borealis, barren earth etc really complimented the story. You implied a pretty fleshed out backdrop to the story with carefully crafted details - newjacks and vets alike can learn from that.


Vote: While I did enjoy Cormier's verse, I think Split executed well on a far more ambitious approach. Dope battle to both.
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Old 09-06-2014, 07:37 PM   #8
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Cool. I liked the dismembering of the topic by both. Cormier had a interesting take, with a dash of confidence. Split had the meandering emotion laying around. I'd like to point out that the wording by both was exquisite to your styles. Nice job. Voting Cormier.
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Old 09-07-2014, 12:42 AM   #9
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cormier -- i remember your name from the RHYME but i can't say i remember any verses from you specifically. this was a catchy, accessible and dope 10 liner. in fact, as far as your specific direction, this is the way it should be done imo. it was concise and did not set it's goals higher than achievable in such a short amount of space. the buzzword for this tourney is going to be 'ambition' -- and when ambition overshadows rationality, upsets will define the outcome of this competition.

split -- you gave us something pretty solid to follow here. my main complaint was the vaguely defined edges you glossed over with a bit too much casualty for my liking. 6 lines is not enough to delve into a relationship in the manner you're attempting - deeply and psychologically and, i guess, enviously - despite your particular penchant for compacting large ideas into few words. i just didn't connect the way i would have hoped to. i think the case is oddly similar to pents and soul's battle (which i just finished) - although your language and rhyme-work vastly out-shined cormier's (the way soul's did pent's), i find myself leaning heavily towards the contender who brought a more original and fulfilling angle to the topic, and the contender who used his 10 lines more effectively to create something more engaging.

this is definitely an upset in my eyes, given split was one of my favorites to advance to the finals but i can only go with my gut here.

v/ CORMIER
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Old 09-07-2014, 10:06 PM   #10
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split - your wording, and rhyme schemes really fits your concepts. brooding. darkly thoughtful. its abstract and hard to articulate but its a very natural stream of conscienceness writing style. the sun to earth line was seriously dope as well. the concept was cool, not extremely original but you set the table and executed it in ten lines well. in a longer piece perhaps there would be some anecdotes or something, but this did just fine imo

cormier - interesting peek into the mind of a psycho - you provided the motivation and your character seems unpredictable and hysterical. bouncing around from initech to travelers cheques was a hard left turn, which is expected from such a maniac. so you developed your character rather well, and the ending wrapped him up decently as well.

this is a tough vote for me. i appreciated both verses a lot more after a few rereads. voting split, i think the line about the sun showcased just a shade higher level of writing.
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Old 09-08-2014, 01:14 AM   #11
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DC - i'm not sure what i've taken from this verse, but i'm confident little to none of it was negative. idk. i don't know who Milton Waddams is, so i'm probably missing a trick and putting you at a natural disadvantage, but i can at least judge the verse on individual merit. in theory. the emotion of your character was somewhat felt, i barely pieced together his motivation. the writing itself was a touch stiff and not particularly tasty. by no means a bad verse, though.

splitty - i attempted economy, unconsciously, with my verse of the first round, but in retrospect probably said too much. this was probably the briefest verse i've read yet, feeling almost like a thoughtful scrawl on the inside of a binder that, given time, could flourish into something fully-fleshed and warranting bite-marks. the nascent verse still weighed a few ounces, though. light display/wife would make was really very well done. more direct writing interspersed by 'poetic' abstractions mixed for a cool recipe. this was a bit bare bones, tbh, but there was enough to chew on. barely.

v/split
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