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Old 04-14-2015, 10:07 PM   #1
Certain
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Default Semifinals: 1. Certain vs. 5. NYCSPITZ \\ NYCSPITZ wins 5-2

Semifinals


The Basics | Read the full rules here.

Verses are due Monday, April 20, at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Votes are due Saturday, April 25, at 11:59 p.m. PT. Voting on the other semifinal in a timely manner is required.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Topic





Good luck, @Certain and @NYCSPITZ.
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Old 04-22-2015, 11:24 AM   #2
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Witness an old man lay back, questioning the purpose of fate
His daydreams drift, skyward at university lake
Said he’d return once he finished what he needed to do
Checking in to give his life a last feeble salute

- 1968…

The chair of Poli-Sci gazes down from floor six of this Parisian school
Eye darting a mesmeric dance, staring at the square’s collegiate pool
Precocious 30 something. Everything that he believes is rule
So he crumples the letter in his hand sent from this chief of fools:
‘Jean – your last published work was…poignant. But several sections are brash
I must prohibit distribution of this text to your class
An ounce of self-formed virtue balances hate and gallons of strife
The Iron Heel morphs according to how you value your life
...sowing chaos only makes destruction quicken to haste
Signed, Alain. Head of the Council for Curriculum Change.'

Bearing teeth he grimaces, ready to fight for the win
Who knows more about social systemic cycles than him?
Europe West during the hippie craze with nihilist hints
feudal sects keeping people sated with violence within
these titles for rulers can change but the designs are akin...
just look at the world, live it and ask the silence within –

- 1971…

His voice booms in the lecture hall while looking grand in a suit
“Wherever change is needed, the revolution's in the hands of the youth!”
Adjusting his beret, the eccentric professor stands and salutes
eye contact, first row – she’s got ass and she’s cute
Latte, post-class. Topic: how freedom of speech sucks and it’s soft
dinner and black and white movies and a fuck in his loft
she’d whisper sweet nothings. He’d temper his bottled rage to a fault
then say the smartest kids in France needed to stage a revolt
She’d bring her crew. At cafes - they'd use fancy terms to label their wants
they spoke with coffee, curse words, and bagels and croissants
then one day she stood – sweetly stating it perfectly clear
“We’re gonna take the campuses of all the Universities here”
They hung signs, locked doors and sang of freedom for days
just them, their youthful zeal and police barricades
after a week, police were commissioned to break and enter the forts
arrest and handcuff every single student member with force
she stood firm at the door while all the others squirmed with surprise
and though absent, his idealism still burned through her eyes
filled with life, potential and beauty – but passion was dulled
when the police baton swung down and bashed in her skull
when he heard, he sat silently in muted surprise
as teary friends spoke of light’s loss in the blue of her eyes
he stood on the bridge for hours. Nearly leapt in the Rhine
walked to school with his head down, softly wept and resigned

- 2015...

reality's a symphony of morals for those weighing the sounds
your own life triumphs over analyzing the play of the crowd
so he thinks it aloud - finally letting go his virulent song
... he comes to terms, closes eyes and drifts into the beyond.



.
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Old 04-22-2015, 11:30 PM   #3
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Sliding out of a crimson teardrop, he entered.
Trying to breathe, dissenting from pent up phlegm.
He never meant to be here,
placed down into an ample bosom.
Patted on the backside until, at last, gasps were patterns, softened
in the cries of the infirmary. The first face he saw
was a nurse named Marjorie. Proclaimed him tall.
Measured his feet. Then walked out into the waiting hall.

Mother was second. She laid upon her death bed.
Nineteen-forty-seven, clutching her beaded necklace
to open the doors of heaven.
Believing she had met her maker,
he left the room to cry and set the table.

Father was a good man. He taught him how to tie a fish net
and how to drive the rig. Baseball, rye and wrist strength
and firm handshakes and how to roll a cigarette tight.
The son was 13, the daughter 9. The father left at midnight.

His sister was beautiful. Donna, she danced and smiled.
She had a child. She quickly matured and passed her wiles
off as a way to a faster path to wherever she wanted to go.
So she danced off into the sunset in a drug overdose.

The third pew from the front, right side. Gloria always sat,
so one day, he slid a row ahead of her and boldly sang.
His creaking baritone caught her ear.
He’d hoped she’d laugh.
The next week, he joined the same pew to hold her hand.
A gentle touch.
She raised two kids. He paid the bills. She made his lunch.
He grayed and filled. She stayed untouched, never looking less
than the perfect angel, even in the cancer’s grasps.
He sang to her in the hospital. She gasped a laugh.

The overachiever. He taught Tommy how to tie a fish net,
but Tommy quickly turned to bigger prey.
He’d lie and get sent to his room, but didn’t stay.
He’d sneak out the window or back into the basement to sit and play
video games. Ones he designed himself.
And the old man couldn’t figure Tommy out but tried to help.
They sent him off to school. West Coast, with just a tie and belt.
He used to visit in Novembers,
now sends a card on Christmas if he even remembers.

Daddy’s little girl. Jessica sort of reminded him of Donna,
so he protected her at every step and quickly coddled
and looked at every boy with a twitch that followed
quickly behind a firm handshake. It kept Jess embarrassed.
Pleading to be allowed to do the things her older brother did,
to be like the other kids
to be like her mother.
Cancer’s like that, though. A hereditary curse.
Hodgkin’s lymphoma.
A father stepping from the hearse.

And now he sits,
tearing off pieces of bread to feed the ground.
Knowing the pigeons won’t stick around.
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Old 04-25-2015, 12:04 AM   #4
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Thoroughly enjoyed both verses, great job guys.

NYC - as always your vocabulary was impressive. You use it well - it doesn't feel like you're showing off, - you just use it to paint a vivid picture concisely. The plot was something pretty fresh to me and the nuances of the story were quite creative. The historical context was fairly explicit anyway but your choice of names, foods, etc kept that setting in mind throughout. The early character development was excellent - lines like 'crumples the letter sent from this chief of fools' and 'who knows more about social systemic cycles than him?' really conveyed his arrogance and anger well. I wasn't totally clear on the relationship - did he love her or was she just a piece of ass and recruit to his cause? It didn't really matter - just made me unsure if his subsequent grief after her death was just guilt or if there was more to it. "he sat silently in muted surprise as teary friends spoke of light’s loss in the blue of her eyes" was lovely and the penultimate couplet was powerful. My only complaints about this verse are that I found "she's got ass and she's cute" a little jarring - that choice of words was too modern for your character IMO... and I think him slipping away into death at the end was unnecessary and maybe a little cliche. But overall I thought this was very good.



Certain - I really liked your angle, telling the various ways the important people in your character's life all left him and bringing it all together in a picture of loneliness at the end. The last line line was superb, extremely poignant and connected the topic picture to your story perfectly. One of the best closers to a verse I can remember. I varied in how much I liked each of the preceding stanzas. Some of it was great, some I had problems with. I hated the opening tbh. "Crimson teardrop" was kind of funny instead of being poetic... "the first face he saw" followed in the second stanza by "mother was second" threw me off - I read it as "the second face he saw" rather than "the second person who left him" which I think you intended upon re-reading... so that made me think of the mother still in the hospital and having died in childbirth, but then the character setting the table didn't make sense.... Okay, things got much better after that. The return to tying fish nets and the firm handshake was a nice touch. The Gloria stanza was great - "creaking baritone" was a great descriptor and "She raised two kids. He paid the bills. She made his lunch. He grayed and filled." was excellent. I like the ending of the Tommy stanza - very poignant - and the way you revealed Jess's cancer was very clever, very well done.




Alright... I think Certain's take on the topic was better. Both of you went with a story that ended with the topic picture, but where NYC's story's ending merely fit adequately with the picture, Certain's captured its essence perfectly. Although Certain had a couple of great ones, on the whole I think NYC's descriptors were much superior... although Certain had some very clever writing which I commented on above. I think the deciding factor for me on this one is the consistency of which I enjoyed the writing though. Certain had elements I thought were superb, but also parts I just didn't really enjoy, whereas NYC's writing was consistently very good. Great battle guys.

v/ NYC
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Old 04-26-2015, 01:02 PM   #5
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NY - "Lost in the blue of her eye" was very visual way to bring forth imagery and emotion tied into one, metaphor-esque, solid writing there. I read the entire story before seeing the picture and it was a bit more clear, the ending I mean, but all in all this verse was penned thoughtfully through and through. From syllable counts to cadence to word usage to character development with just enough lines as to not take away from the physical story it self. I will add that this verse is more on the 'human' level in comparison to what I'm used to reading from you. While this could be a negative, you still gave me a clear scene or setting while adding some very crisp writing, not in the rhyming sense, but in the novelist sense ya dig? A young professor, writes a letter of reform and change stating the lack of fear in revolt. The time jump is a bit askew for me here though as it jumps three years and he's now giving lectures on the aforementioned paper. But again, no telling what happened in that time frame so I really don't mind, but had to say something about the chronological ordering. The professor coaxes an attractive student into a few late night forays consequently filling her head with his ideals on revolt and tacking the world back. She dies, again, that line about light being snuffed out with the blue of her eye rang loud as well as overall mechanics during the baton's altercation. Overall, nothing negative to really say about this verse. If I must nit pick, I suppose the final stanza seemed tossed in to bring the picture full circle, I felt like adding more lines to reference exactly what is happening there would be best, but as is, ending wasn't awful so.... Good shit Bruhv


Certain - Keen choice of opening imagery, you engaged my senses while laying a foundation for paying closer attention. On first glance it made no sense to me, "red tears", as I haven't read beyond first bar I'm hoping the vulgar scenery blossoms. It did not.... The opener I dare say was the highlight of the verse writing wise. The sheer amount of broken sentences across multiple bars was distracting as shit. I often can over look one, two max, but it seemed like you did this every third line or so which left me searching to find the flow while pausing often to relocate it during these breaks. As for the story, there was so much going on it was a bit hard to follow, sure, in the end I get it all, but too many characters I guess with no real build up, just saying names with a single line of background then they most likely die. Simply too much going on with these shortened stanzas. Another thing I had trouble with was the death of the mother while the son was born, but then he suddenly has a younger sister??? Head scratcher.


V/ NYC

He had the better writing overall and because of this had the more gripping story.
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Old 04-26-2015, 02:17 PM   #6
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NYC - the meat of this was realy dope. The ending was kind of a quick angled turn though. The character looking back to a point of his love's death but he didn't really seem to find any catharsis in the actual memory, you just wrote that he did at the end. That said, the story was really excellent. The outlining of the man in his thirties thinking he knows all and influencing the students in that manner, as well as the montage-like-image-flipping from the loft to the cafeteria to the revolt to the police. well done. The nods to france were dope and created a holistic atmosphere. The student-teacher tryst was even well done and could've worked on its own, but you managed to use it to connect mutliple character arcs. So sick.

Certain - I feel like you've taken this route before. The exposition of a family, tied together thematically. I liked the tommy stanza the best, it felt the realest to me. Death is sort of hard to hit your reader with when it happens once every few stanzas. I think you connected to the topic a lot more.. the pessimism that comes with seeing everything. That's what sticks out the most, the losses, and soon we'll come to terms with that. I think youre theme was great, but the story didn't grab me as much as nycspitz's did.

v/ nyc

better flow, imagery, and exceptional storytelling
although certain connected to the topic in a much better way, i don't think nyc totally missed the point enough to warrant a vote for certain.
his story was just too much to overcome
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Old 04-26-2015, 06:24 PM   #7
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Thought this was a blowout. Thought NYC was focused too much on old man dick and the years of how long he's been a faggot. Writing was weak too, yeah you tell a story - gj you graduated 9th grade English. next. Story was weak and undeveloped.

Certain told a better story and had more openings. He also defended with an exemplary defense and penetrated nycs redundant and safe e4. v/certain
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Old 04-26-2015, 07:47 PM   #8
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Nyc: Right out of the gate your flow is much more impressive than Certain’s. It was really fucking good. What I usually I don’t like about your writing is your content, but this week it wasn’t about samurais which made it much better. Good stuff.

Certain: The ending of this was perfect, really there’s not much I can nitpick and say was bad about this overall. I liked the descriptions of everyone in the verse painting the picture of the old man instead of describing the old man for forty lines or so. It was different, and very cool.

When I vote I usually vote for the flow just because I like reading shit that flows well, but Certain’s story of describing a character by describing everyone else was pretty damn impressive. For creativity alone, I give it to Certain. Good battle, guys.
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Old 04-27-2015, 01:12 AM   #9
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A very similar picture to ours, even more reflective. Anyways this will be brief, due to the nature of time constraints.

NYCSPITZ: Ah! the late sixties to seventies. A time of great change, political discourse, and, of course, unconventional teachers who went against the grain. But with action comes consequence, as the story portrays. I especially liked the way you ended it. Honestly, I did find the story a bit dull, but you did it well, and the language was executed at a high level.

Certain: Hodgkins lymphoma is quite an intricate disease, especially the indolent ones, particularly seen in the Non-Hodgkin's variety of lymphoma. Anyways, I enjoy the various angles that were utilized, in order to peer into another's account. Another factor I enjoyed was that I never felt like I was reading a rap, it literally felt like reading a regular story, and regular in a good way. I also enjoyed the approach more than NYC's.

However, I do think NYC is the victor here, mainly on the basis that his writing while a bit less captivating, in terms of content, had the more impressive writing, to me at least.

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Old 04-27-2015, 10:35 PM   #10
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NYC --

an interesting take on the picture. an elderly professor reflecting on how his ideals and lessons led to the death of one of his students. something i would not have come up with, i'd reckon. the ability to conjure a very niche story out of an image or phrase has always been a very strong suit of yours. as far as your core mechanism, this was really good. as far as your execution, i was not always terribly sold. you stretch for your rhymes at certain points and it kind of jolts me out of the plot and takes me back into your space and out of my own. gallons of strife? the council of curriculum change? that cannot be a thing, and even if it is, i just wasn't sold on the entire premise of that particular aspect. you needed a rhyme for 'fuck in his loft', that much is clear, but 'freedom of speech sucks and it's soft' was not what you should have chosen. you pick and choose your words to transport your core storyline in a fashion that doesn't always appeal to me.

that being said, it was an involving tale of the regrets of a professor who may have been TOO involved in his curriculum, and one student especially. poignant subject matter, but at very crucial times, the method by which you deliver this content leaves a lot to be desired. you made it this far for a reason, clearly. your creative angles are nearly second to none.

CERTAIN SERPENT --

this confused me. a lot. the names you give characters without a context to really bring them to life sort of muddles the verse to me. maybe i'm slow but i'm reading this again just to make sure who everybody is. marjorie -- the nurse. donna -- his sister who dies of an overdose. gloria -- his wife and mother of his children. tommy -- his own child. jessica -- his daughter, who reminds him of his sister. great, now that i think i have this straight.

it's just too much. you bring us through 3 generations of a family unit, tying together their plights and traits (although extremely undeveloped) through time and observation and behaviors. you attempt to convey the memories this man has of 5-6 different people in so few words, with such little description other than their names and a few words about each, that it sort of all feels.. shallow. i suppose. i couldn't get into it. maybe this is personal and it feels like i'm shitting on the tale of your own family. believe me when i say i am not undermining the journey you set out on. i did really love your finale, regarding not only the generational blight of cancer but the temporary, fleeting air of life, but the entire verse as a whole just never came full circle to me. i admire the ambition you had in tackling not only such a wide breadth of subject matter in such a short time, but tackling such a serious topic at once. it's difficult on both counts to make that work.

what sucks is, you usually do a very good job at making that work for you conceptually. the character names, identities, personalities, the timelines, the conceptual threads that link them all. it just wasn't working for me this week. unless i am reading the entire verse incorrectly (which may or not be the case, but really -- who's at fault for that?) i cannot fully engage with the work as it stands, despite the display of stellar technical writing and a killer closing line, which others have pointed out to you.

with heavy hand and heart, i grant my vote to NYCSPITZ.

take care you guys. it's been a pleasure

thank you
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