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Old 11-04-2014, 05:27 AM   #1
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Default WK6: Dove Dozer (3-1) vs Vulgar (2-2) -- Vulgar 3-1

AOWL Season IV, Week 6


OFFICIAL RULES:
Verses are due Friday, November 7th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 16 lines.

Votes are due Sunday, November 9th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC:


Strap Up Your Boots


Good luck, @Vulgar and @Dove Dozer.

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Old 11-05-2014, 01:55 PM   #2
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D-Day

Warships cruised on gray waters towards German-occupied turf
"Lace up your bootstraps, men, or you may be in for a world of homogenized hurt"
The nose of our ruddy machine hit sand, no reduction of speed
The line of fire awaited - we ploughed toward the smoke & dust of the beach
It was a light-show of metal, a zone of ruckus and screams
Bullets tore into forearms, the war gods indulged in wholesome, sumptuous feasts
Waist deep in the fog of it all, we were practically sunk to our knees
looking for gaps in the enemy's defenses - some bunkers to breach
Pockets full of goodbye letters, we left behind advancing tides of soldiers & tanks
Came upon an abandoned mine - almost as if we were chosen by fate
Two Nazi guards were dealt with in the most inhuman ways
Our commander & some troops went inside & re-emerged with Polish Jewish slaves
About thirty of them were enlisted in that moment, they were seeking revenge
"You are now liberated. Lace up your bootstraps! We support Poles..."
but they were all barefoot, some with sandals on.
their reconstructed heels required reinforced soles.

Last edited by Vulgar; 11-05-2014 at 02:47 PM.
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Old 11-07-2014, 11:38 AM   #3
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The sole's beaten and broken, every crease could've spoken..
run, walk, march or creep. My dreams have just opened.
They've been through the desert camel-backed over seas,
parachuting, fifty degrees. over the trees.
The leather is torn, but I forever weather the storm.
I head in the door boot first, ahead of the norm.
You can bet it be war, vets deployed. Train with the best
lets settle the score. Decorated, ready for more.
Old and tarnished. My flaws hidden with a coat of polish.
Ready to demolish Hussein, obliterate Osama.
Never display pain, they just fade with honor.
Stepping through creeks, hotel's handlin business.
through sand and the ditches, the plan's to dismantle the vicious.
with air strikes and tunnels underground,
the rumbling sound as a hundred troops pummel ground.
These boots are strapped tight and they've done me proud
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Old 11-08-2014, 02:54 PM   #4
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Vulgar - great opening line. Even without the heading 'D-day' I would've guessed when and where we were immediately. Verse read smoothly, rhyming was good and none of the rhymes felt unnatural. The writing was excellent. Great choice of descriptors. The last few lines were an OK idea but I don't think the execution worked. The changing rhyme scheme/rhythm happening at the same as the "twist" was jarring. But, an excellent verse for the most part.

Dozer - cool take on the topic. I think I read somewhere that you're in the military so I guess this has a personal angle to it for you. Actually I prefer your approach over Vulgar's. The flow/rhythm was very good throughout. Rhyme schemes were also very good, but I felt like that came at the expense of the writing in parts - some strange turns of phrase eg "my dreams have just opened" ... and in other parts the word choice seemed too basic and maybe it wouldn't have been if you hadn't constrained yourself with the rhyme scheme. A couple of lines eluded to a more human element of the boots, perhaps something shared by the wearer... those lines were the most interesting to me and I think that would've been a fascinating path to explore more. Even so, I enjoyed the verse very much. Well done.

Even with the ending that I disliked and the inferior (IMO) take on the topic, I'm going to edge this one to Vulgar. His writing was more sophisticated and he incorporated his rhyme schemes within that level of writing. Great battle, gents.


V/ Vulgar
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Old 11-09-2014, 03:02 PM   #5
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good battle, real close. of course 2 army guys took basically the same route with this haha. woulda been cool to see if one of u maybe coulda twisted the topic a little but still the 2 verses were solid and hit the topic

vulgar i liked ur verse, u didn't go off on some weird shit, u kept it readable and wrote a gritty story. also the rhyming was there but not as much, or as good as you are capable of. i also wasn't feeling ur ending:

About thirty of them were enlisted in that moment, they were seeking revenge
"You are now liberated. Lace up your bootstraps! We support Poles..."
but they were all barefoot, some with sandals on.
their reconstructed heels required reinforced soles.

the non rhyming 1st and 3rd line and the whole bar in between the we support poles and reinforced soles just came off weird. threw the whole thing outta whack, which up until that point was very smooth. was just a sudden, weird, jolting ending flow and rhythm wise.. which i didn't like

dozer ur verse wasn't spectacular by any stretch but again it was really solid in a lot of aspects.. flow was really smooth, the content was pretty good and i feel like u just did what you had to do here. i like the fact that u didn't tell a story but rather used the actual boots for the meat of the verse and made it about describing them and where they have taken you and where they have been etc. i just thought your idea was more original than vulgars and u executed slightly better.

this was close but woulda been WAY closer in my eyes if Vulgar didn't have those 2 weird closing bars, that to me, docked a few points.

Vote: DD
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Old 11-10-2014, 12:52 AM   #6
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STRAP UP YOUR BOOTS

Vulgar. I kinda hate war stories, but this wasn't bad, although the ending came very abruptly. The war gods feasting line was dope. schemes were cool, and flow was pretty okay. I'm not sure entirely why thirty men were left covered by two, but I guess thats okay. Everything was actually pretty solid up until the end. I kinda feel like you just stopped. Like, the story didn't end, you just stopped. I mean, I get that they didn't wear boots, but it's kind of only relevant to the specific topic wording. Seems like a strange place to just end the story...

Dozer. Hmm. Kind of a similar, but more vague version of Vulgar's verse. My first critique would be that you bounced back and forth between using "I," and "my" with the "they" and "they've." I assume the piece was meant to be written in personification of the actual boots, but you lost me a few times by referring to the boots as "they." Also, This is like the third or fourth time this week ive seen people use these three-bar rhyme schemes (polish/osama/honor/business). It just throws off the whole flow of the verse to me. Overall, this felt a bit stale to me. While I liked the idea behind it, I kind of felt a lack of direction. It seemed more like a pair of boots writing a resume.

This is kind of close to me, but I think I'm gonna lean on the actual writing this round. Since both stories kinda fell short to me in the end, the better writing this week was from Vulgar.

Vote is for Vulgar.
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Old 11-10-2014, 02:15 AM   #7
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Vulgar: "Pockets full of goodbye letters" was one of the best turns of phrases I've read on this site. Unfortunately, the rest of this verse didn't quite match up to that high standard. Most of this verse was pretty much straight-forward wartime description, like the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan in text rap format. That's cool, and the imagery was good (though the two quotes were not), but it didn't go much deeper. Then you got to the final couplet and really went all-in on a bold and blunt metaphor. Here's the thing: That final couplet was pretty good within the context of everything I know about World War II, but within the context of the verse itself, it felt exceedingly disconnected and underdeveloped. The concept is a beautiful image, but you should have started the verse with the abandoned mine and ditched some of the wartime imagery that was a bit generic. Maybe you could have started with the "Pockets full of goodbye letters" line and moved on from there. That would have given that final line a bit more impact. As an aside: This story probably isn't set on D-Day if you found a bunch of Polish Jews in an abandoned mine, so there was another disconnect there. That said, it's a really nice metaphor worded a little clunkily that tied in well to the topic.

Dove Dozer: I gave this topic to you and Vulgar because of your military backgrounds, and I was hoping you might incorporate some of your own experiences. But this wasn't the right way to do it. This was so generic that nothing made it seem like it was specific to you. There weren't any insider anecdotes about shipping out or signing up or anything like that. The second couplet ("desert camel-backed over seas, parachuting, fifty degrees") had some potential, but you went generic from that point on. Your writing was fine. It was clean and crisp and mostly well-rhymed. But it was boring and obvious and too direct a take on the topic. You are a good storyteller, but you didn't wield it well enough here.

Vote: Vulgar
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