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Old 08-14-2013, 02:56 PM   #1
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Cool "Small Talk", Vulgar // Split Eight

SPLIT EIGHT

so
Her cardigan's parted, just playfully though.
Paying parting regards to common waves. We patiently pose.
Establish painfully arrested cliches. Sentenced since ages ago,
Then play-act em away as if some development showed..
Save when we're stumbling spelling all drunk,
discussing some jelly filling, bellying up,
The setting's spinning, constantly spilling..
Resenting that her top 3 jokes-
are bottled turns of phrase Franz Kafka prolly wrote
as it's torrential rains all on my Parade-page/ paper-maiche gondola boat.
Seriously got to me though. Coming up dry with pause-reconaissance quotes.
Grope for dated coffee-table novels, we'll awkwardly page through,
Edgar Allan's God was that raven, God's just a deja entendu-
Stay up-lifting the bottle, baby. Cradle half-full bottles of Gray Goose.
Are your problems stable? Putting up the rent that's got until pay is due?
Talking is bargain bin. Go in oh-so prepared,
As faux as my fake-and its opal pro-pylene glare,
So barely warm on this worn out, poorly carpeted square.
Are y'all even aware youre misquoting the whole status quo?
As self-image aware as non-problem kids can sadly go.
You already know that I'm there: been caught on it, i'm all rhombus,
She's a box-office swan song, she's diving deep,
Meeting me and leaning on this boxed product,
More'n often talks nonsensically to me. Wanna isosceles her angles,
On and on, some-body please, explain her plot synopses aren't all impossibly deep.
I catch more feelings for Poes in Zelda, hella bastardized types of youth,
than Bella Don of self-shotty prodigies, gone cracked and try to find the booze,
Got me bottling demons, caught between this magnifying of truth-
-lends some limelit lantern legions, all sing song saying-sooths,
Said you find that after leaving, "not all spirits are calmed by a song you see."
Maya, I missed all our sopping sheets... as in toss the script.
Shnopps and peach, you shot some speech,
Cops and shit, stopped and geeked,
Not all these odysseyes follow proper plots like prophecies,
Standing off outside to not-breathe, Maya and me smoked in 2012.
"The weather" just suited me.. just fine. I don't hail and tell.
"Fines" just isn't selling favors. Fine, well... Spit it out.
...in 64-bit peace, dream desert grotto sabbaticals.
Gobbled all those Adderalls. Attention crawled back to battle,
Reload study chambers, steamboat the paddles,
distorted/ deadpan bravado of the "yo still nothing major" measures,
that's clouded out the shadows we'd stand for in the sun's dusky vapor zephyr.
What were you talking about?
shut up
...

..
.
..

...
VULGAR
so
this girl was sketchy on some bullshit (she actually drew)
a Blade Runner requiem, left me with a dull tip (she was actually Drew)
Rule 1: Diamond-studded bodysnatchers flock to light like moths
protracting the fact that opportunities fall onto laps: Life might toss
I abided by finite laws; sights set on Dawkin's approved delusional wisdom
I'll tell you what. 'Honesty is the best policy' got me landed in vitruvian prison
coded larynx transmitters, cerebral attachments, all tied into a spire
Relationships didn't wreak from the passion - a One Nightmare Stand,
I stood bright, yet perspired, an MK-Ultimatum that was icy as Breyers
leading Hope Armadas may lead to blindness, hence this conjunctivitis acquired
slurred words perturbed, exchanged with a heavily chlorinated valkryie
My passive genes didn't convince Cathleen to go out for decaf with me
Didn't jizz in my pants - I gave GZA my pen
since intellectual inkwells tend to dry up if verbal swords travel in liquid descent
Mistletoe prickling again. Breast milk sweet, but why the ruthless haste?
if Bora Bora Bora bores her on a movie date
I couldn't splooge a grape, unless this was truly fate or just an ill gimmick
Peeling back a chilled Guiness, wishing I could still finish
She's a lollipop guild tenant, it ain't a wasteland if there's a milf in it
Post apocalyptic skies, cold Cirroc and dripping wives.
Coastal docks, my dick's subscribed to Vogue: the Panoptic edition, Time
plus her tits&eyes, I tsk tsk if I don't get a rise. Not trying to preserve my condoms.
The wheels of sexual fulfillment are reliant on the turbine's columns
solutions confusing as Harrison Bergeron's two steps
soon as I reach second base, Lucette gets loose-lipped
drunk, pasted, trudging - too bad Desire's interlaced with Glutton
I proudly declared as if it were an ancient custom:
'You don't have to be a baker for me to taste your muffins."
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Last edited by Split; 08-16-2013 at 02:11 AM. Reason: grammar, caps
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Old 08-15-2013, 06:01 AM   #2
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So first of all, I want to say that both of y'all make the Open Mic a better place, both for your writing and your feedback. Vulgar went hard today. Split Eight dropped the Top 20 list that got everyone talking. Then y'all dropped this masterpiece. And I don't use that lightly. This was one of the five or six best pieces I've read in my return to this realm, and you both held your own.

Split Eight, you had the impossible task of matching Vulgar, who seems impossible to match. I'm glad you sort of melded your own style around his, not trying to do an impression but also keenly aware of what you would be forced to stand next to. The abstractions came together because you clearly thought this through. This was by far my favorite verse I've read from you. My lips pursed by the end of this segment:

Quote:
Save when we're stumbling spelling all drunk,
discussing some jelly filling, bellying up,
The setting's spinning, constantly spilling..
Resenting that her top 3 jokes-
are bottled turns of phrase Franz Kafka prolly wrote
as it's torrential rains all on my Parade-page/ paper-maiche gondola boat.
God, that's nasty. Then there was the piles of internal references in this:

Quote:
Talking is bargain bin. Go in oh-so prepared,
As faux as my fake-and its opal pro-pylene glare,
So barely warm on this worn out, poorly carpeted square.
Are y'all even aware of misquoting the whole status quo?
As self-image aware as non-problem kids can sadly go.
You already know, that I'm there: caught on it, i'm all rhombus,
She's a box-office swan song, she's diving deep,
Meet me and lean on this boxed product,
More'n often talks on nonsense, to me. Wanna isosceles her angles,
On and on, some-body please, explain her plot synopses aren't all impossibly deep.
Multiple references to angles and movies caught throughout. But the important part is it all fit with the small-talk topic. You didn't lose yourself in your writing. You didn't lose me in your writing, either. I will say that I thought the verse could have ended at that exact point. You ran on, and the final third of your verse just wasn't as compelling or tightly written and deeply thought.

Vulgar came with, well, that same impenetrable forest that ensures he'll be alive when the rest of us are slaughtered. I picked up a lot of this verse, though, which was fun and made me feel smarter than I am. This was vicious:

Quote:
I abided by finite laws; sights set on Dawkin's approved delusional wisdom
I'll tell you what. 'Honesty is the best policy' got me landed in vitruvian prison
coded larynx transmitters, cerebral attachments, all tied into a spire
Relationships didn't wreak from the passion - a One Nightmare Stand,
I stood bright, yet perspired, an MK-Ultimatum that was icy as Breyers
leading Hope Armadas may lead to blindness, hence this conjunctivitis acquired
slurred words perturbed, exchanged with a heavily chlorinated valkryie
My passive genes didn't convince Cathleen to go out for decaf with me
Didn't jizz in my pants - I gave GZA my pen
since intellectual inkwells tend to dry up if verbal swords travel in liquid descent
Mistletoe prickling again. Breast milk sweet, but why the ruthless haste?
if Bora Bora Bora bores her on a movie date
I feel like it's lazy to compare an abstract text rapper to Aesop Rock, but that segment seemed straight off Labor Days. Then you dipped into the Company Flow-era El-P with some nastiness that was probably my favorite part of the entire piece:

Quote:
Peeling back a chilled Guiness, wishing I could still finish
She's a lollipop guild tenant, it ain't a wasteland if there's a milf in it
Post apocalyptic skies, cold Cirroc and dripping wives.
Coastal docks, my dick's subscribed to Vogue: the Panoptic edition, Time
plus her tits&eyes, I tsk tsk if I don't get a rise. Not trying to preserve my condoms.
The ending made me laugh.

Vulgar's verse was more tightly written then Split Eight's, but I think that maybe played to both of your strengths. Split Eight definitely had the more emotive, relatable verse, and that allowed him to stand up to Vulgar's perfectionist craftwork. What I'm trying to say is, y'all should do this more often.
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Last edited by Certain; 08-15-2013 at 06:44 AM.
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Old 08-15-2013, 06:48 AM   #3
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split to be quite honest my friend at times i feel you complex your verse more than it should. just being honest man cause at times im called out on making things seem to just ramble and rhyme.... yet reading your shit is like putting two ideas and meshing and at most times it works and its your thing and it always has been.. this here seemed quite forced man... i aint hating just laying it out cause if i was to honestly say that your verse was fucking FIRE... then i'd be lying and dagel is the king of OM. i have to be straight with you cause i know i always get straight feed yet whenever i see certain names drop verses they get praise instead of criticism and shit that could or would elevate them to a notch higher with

Quote:
Talking is bargain bin. Go in oh-so prepared,
As faux as my fake-and its opal pro-pylene glare,
seemed highly forced as i loved the idea and concept of it ... it seemd a tad over wordy... i mean as faux as my fake then you cut and trend into a metaphor.... idk maybe its just me being highly tired i just couldnt really vibe into the flow as some words i felt were highly overzealous and thats just my opinion and as its known my opinion aint shit on this site so oh well... but the mechanics and punctuation was there and the emotion was raw as fuck... which i always adore as it sets the certain mood that you would want in reading a verse to me....

vulgar- loved your opener it was a clear and clean metaphor and a little personality in it with the humor but then the next bar reads

Quote:
Rule 1: Diamond-studded bodysnatchers flock to light like moths
protracting the fact that opportunities fall onto laps: Life might toss
the detail his hard but then the sentencing corrupts the fluidness of the whole sentence with the punction leading into using what life might toss... ok life might toss what?.. the opportunities that are on your lap?... if so how when its on your lap and in rule you would have a chance or a step head cause its on your lap so unless your saying you yourself would fuck up the chance then sure.. i guess like i said idk... maybe its cause i am tired and i aint reading shit right... IDK just being honest on how i feel about each line i read...

but then you go and kill the scene with lines like this

Quote:
I abided by finite laws; sights set on Dawkin's approved delusional wisdom
I'll tell you what. 'Honesty is the best policy' got me landed in vitruvian prison
coded larynx transmitters, cerebral attachments, all tied into a spire
Relationships didn't wreak from the passion - a One Nightmare Stand,
I stood bright, yet perspired, an MK-Ultimatum that was icy as Breyers
leading Hope Armadas may lead to blindness, hence this conjunctivitis acquired
slurred words perturbed, exchanged with a heavily chlorinated valkryie
My passive genes didn't convince Cathleen to go out for decaf with me
Didn't jizz in my pants - I gave GZA my pen
since intellectual inkwells tend to dry up if verbal swords travel in liquid descent
Mistletoe prickling again. Breast milk sweet, but why the ruthless haste?
if Bora Bora Bora bores her on a movie date
which is just straight coherent with splits verse and it played well and tied into one another and relaly just stood out as a strong segment with great wording and some content that really wits the individual with great knowledge at what the person was doing... anyways Vulgar had the stronger verse but splits own set the mood just right and actually was what gave vulgar a leg up to build off what was so driven with ease for the next to have fornicated and create something even better

ok enough from my stupid tired ass.... i feel this collab as a whole was fucking strong and awesome but as an individual stand point the review i just gave is as stands about them...
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Old 08-15-2013, 01:08 PM   #4
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this was dope, I enjoyed a lot of the references and homages to film and literature. Despite the monsoon of imagery from both of you, I was impressed to see the "Small Talk" topic consistently resurfacing and emerging, providing an emotional context for what was an otherwise bbq of skewered intellectualism. The uncomfortable awkwardness of poorly hitting on a chick. That's how I read this, at least, like a stream of consciousness while a dude was nervously running game. In any case, I liked this one a lot, good shit.
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Old 08-16-2013, 01:03 AM   #5
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Edgar Allan's God was that raven, God's just a deja entendu-
Stay up-lifting the bottle, baby. Cradle half-full bottles of gray goose

-line had some swagger to it, and a relation to the baby and the drinking was nice also

Are y'all even aware youre misquoting the whole status quo?
As self-image aware as non-problem kids can sadly go.

-liked how the first line went second line could have been worded different i think, but overall a good concept

You already know that I'm there: been caught on it, i'm all rhombus,
She's a box-office swan song, she's diving deep,
Meeting me and leaning on this boxed product,
More'n often talks nonsensically to me. Wanna isosceles her angles,

-liked the play with geometry in here

On and on, some-body please, explain her plot synopses aren't all impossibly deep.
I catch more feelings for Poes in Zelda, hella bastardized types of youth,
than Bella Don of self-shotty prodigies, gone cracked and try to find the booze,

-liked the first two alot, good flow, and rhyme scheem switching thru out, i was kinda lost at first part of last line, not that its bad i just think i dont have the knowlege to understand it. nt sure who bella don is. liked hwo it ended tho alot

Maya, I missed all our sopping sheets... as in toss the script.
Shnopps and peach, you shot some speech,
Cops and shit, stopped and geeked,
Not all these odysseyes follow proper plots like prophecies

-this one overall had a good concept and multi's and flow. i feel the third line could be changed tho didnt like it much, but like i said before could be from a lack of understsandin.







I abided by finite laws; sights set on Dawkin's approved delusional wisdom
I'll tell you what. 'Honesty is the best policy' got me landed in vitruvian prison

-overal a great couplett. good vocab and concept/flow. came off well

slurred words perturbed, exchanged with a heavily chlorinated valkryie
My passive genes didn't convince Cathleen to go out for decaf with me

-felt personal here. liked the emotion behind it.

Mistletoe prickling again. Breast milk sweet, but why the ruthless haste?
if Bora Bora Bora bores her on a movie date
I couldn't splooge a grape, unless this was truly fate or just an ill gimmick
Peeling back a chilled Guiness, wishing I could still finish
She's a lollipop guild tenant, it ain't a wasteland if there's a milf in it

-like i said seems personal here too liked the second line alot and the fourth. definatly made this second connect and go well.

drunk, pasted, trudging - too bad Desire's interlaced with Glutton
I proudly declared as if it were an ancient custom:
'You don't have to be a baker for me to taste your muffins."

-just seemed dirtly lol and liked it. good way to end it broski
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Old 08-16-2013, 10:11 AM   #6
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Split and vulgar killed this. I for one believe that words should be studied. Meanings ascertained....a little mystery. This had that. I believe that Vulgar does better with this than split, but split is still dope. Some of these lines felt purposefully convoluted, but oh so seductive. Well done.
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Old 08-16-2013, 12:14 PM   #7
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seductive is the right adjective. thanks, v

Grope for dated coffee-table novels, we'll awkwardly page through,
Edgar Allan's God was that raven

split, idk how much sense this makes, but your writing is very college campus. well-read and caffeinated. i always get the sense that you're able to express themes of a literary-heavy curriculum in your creative work. it never gets stale because there's always a development from piece to piece.

Got me bottling demons, caught between this magnifying of truth-
-lends some limelit lantern legions, all sing song saying-sooths,

the extra characters were distracting for me but this was one of my favorite couplets. wordplay in the least traditional sense.

Not all these odysseyes follow proper plots like prophecies,

you've been one of my favorite to read from in recent memory. hoping to catch your next open collab if possible.


vulgar of course never ceases to not only amaze but confound. you give us clarity through chaos and 50 tentacles of imagination.

you seemed to focus on a more sexualized course of development. split came out of the gate more soft core. it almost worked on a very literal level in terms of the SMALL TALK title. because there's almost always that period of more subtle flirtation before the physicality can reveal itself. true intentions.

the way you play with words is a source of inspiration for me at times.

an MK-Ultimatum that was icy as Breyers

My passive genes didn't convince Cathleen to go out for decaf with me
Didn't jizz in my pants - I gave GZA my pen

if Bora Bora Bora bores her on a movie date

these are only a few of the quotes i could pull. but these were particularly for their wordplay, like i said. it makes a verse fun to engage and also rewards those who do close reads as opposed to the usual skim..


great work guys. thank you kindly.





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Old 08-16-2013, 01:21 PM   #8
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@Certain Serpent thanks for reading guy. agree I have a habit of rambling, which is why my last five or so drops have been sub 20 lines. I think my last 1/3 made better sense in its original context, but then I fleshed out the middle cause I caught something I liked. In any case, tried to do my best impression of me here. Dont forget that collaboration, either, I might ante up and write first

@Storyteller I'm flattered you think people hold me in high regard lol. I am overzealous. Always appreciate crit/ feed, thanks.

@oats glad you enjoyed it! "Skewered intellectualism" I like it.

@Lost in Thought much appreciated w/ the breakdown. I will leave you some feed today

@VERITAS thanks for reading V. agree, Vulgar bodied the damn thing. Will get one of your more recent pieces.

@dead man gracias for the insight, very perceptive with The Raven line discussion... you always seem to pick up on what in my writing is deep/ thoughtful and what is light/ superficial, in away. Good observation that Vulgar can manage both at the same time. for sure on that collab, lets find a topic of sorts.

@Vulgar dope verse, for real. You matched what I was going for perfectly and added a lot of dimensionality I didn't see in my own stuff, and brought some dope new ideas. Mirin dem multi-layered concepts and wordplay, it was a pleasure.
Quote:
The wheels of sexual fulfillment are reliant on the turbine's columns
solutions confusing as Harrison Bergeron's two steps
soon as I reach second base, Lucette gets loose-lipped
fire.

thanks to everyone who fed. will be on the lookout to return favors as always.
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Old 08-16-2013, 01:45 PM   #9
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Thanks split it is callwd the 5th room on the 10th floor of lolo or something.
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Old 08-16-2013, 01:57 PM   #10
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@Certain Serpent, thanks for the feedback sir, glad you liked what we be cookin' - we have something else in the werks.

@Storyteller, I wasn't crazy about the life might toss bar either, I think I needed to gain steam before I settled into the theme. Much appreciated.

@oats, "The uncomfortable awkwardness of poorly hitting on a chick. That's how I read this, at least, like a stream of consciousness while a dude was nervously running game." it's both fascinating and also reassuring that you got this sensation from both of our verses as a whole. I simply wrote about recent happenings with females and my verse popped out. Thanks.

@Lost in Thought, thanks for checking it out.

@VERITAS, thanks man. Sometimes I think Split is going to take up the mantle once real life sweeps me away from the internet for good. He's got that Autobot spark tbc.

@dead man, thank you professor. High marks from you means a lot.

@Split Eight, thanks for the invite on this one. Keep that fire burning, Quintus.
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Old 08-21-2013, 08:26 PM   #11
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so
Her cardigan's parted, just playfully though.
Paying parting regards to common waves. We patiently pose.
Establish painfully arrested cliches. Sentenced since ages ago,
Then play-act em away as if some development showed..


so let me set the scene and step between your mind's fibers. right. solid impression made to begin, descriptive, nuanced. not really sure about 'patiently pose'.

Resenting that her top 3 jokes-
are bottled turns of phrase Franz Kafka prolly wrote
as it's torrential rains all on my Parade-page/ paper-maiche gondola boat.


enjoyed that. quite a bit.

More'n often talks nonsensically to me. Wanna isosceles her angles,
On and on, some-body please, explain her plot synopses aren't all impossibly deep.


this was cool. i think i only truly defined the reason you employed the hyphen so much in a few instances; designed as a divider to have the reader think twice about what you write. other times it just felt like a lazy device to feign floridity. no?

I catch more feelings for Poes in Zelda

so nerdy. i remember encountering these things strolling round on Epona, though, so you're ok. linked well with 'got me bottling demons' and some of the other surrounding imagery. i see you.

Said you find that after leaving, "not all spirits are calmed by a song you see."
Maya, I missed all our sopping sheets... as in toss the script.
Shnopps and peach, you shot some speech,
Cops and shit, stopped and geeked,
Not all these odysseyes follow proper plots like prophecies,


flow is palpable. more obvious than usual for you. not a bad thing, at all.

lol @ 64-bit peace. that might have just clicked & made some of this make sense -- made more transparent than i initially thought. anyway, i got the picture of a distracted, almost self-indulgent individual, with ADD relaying how he might treat a typically pragmatic moment... arbitrarily, funnily enough. am i wrong? i've probably missed some things. the writing, similar to its voice, seemed a touch unsure of itself, but continued to move forward, adjacently, backwards or in circles... it moved, basically, irrespective of direction. on the whole i found the shit pretty interesting, if at times difficult to sit through. maybe my attention span isn't brilliant. maybe your understated, wispy abstractions fail to grab a purchase in the cerebra. it wasn't windy today. you have good ideas and an uncompromising method of trying to realize them... atm i'm unsure 'who' you write for. but keep writing. it was cool.

you were more concerned with intellectual observation (must be those glasses) as opposed to the more visceral quality of the following verse.

which brings me to

so
this girl was sketchy on some bullshit (she actually drew)
a Blade Runner requiem, left me with a dull tip (she was actually Drew)


Drew Struzan? idk. anyway this was shit was lulz. almost like a paraprosdokian.

Rule 1: Diamond-studded bodysnatchers flock to light like moths
protracting the fact that opportunities fall onto laps: Life might toss


superb use of the colon though.

I abided by finite laws; sights set on Dawkin's approved delusional wisdom
I'll tell you what. 'Honesty is the best policy' got me landed in vitruvian prison
coded larynx transmitters, cerebral attachments, all tied into a spire
Relationships didn't wreak from the passion - a One Nightmare Stand,
I stood bright, yet perspired, an MK-Ultimatum that was icy as Breyers
leading Hope Armadas may lead to blindness, hence this conjunctivitis acquired


well, this is pretty much you in vintage form. wordy, obscure, unfriendly and cracked somehow combine to create a passage with which most readers is rapt. idk what the fuck you're on about half the time, but i don't mind trying to figure it out... which is a testament to your ability. i think. isn't it?

Didn't jizz in my pants - I gave GZA my pen
since intellectual inkwells tend to dry up if verbal swords travel in liquid descent


i've seen a better GZA/liquid (sword) wordplay/reference. just sayin'

Peeling back a chilled Guiness, wishing I could still finish
She's a lollipop guild tenant, it ain't a wasteland if there's a milf in it


lol, that was icey cold. not-so-subtle allusion where you talmbout candy. splanchnic.

plus her tits&eyes, I tsk tsk if I don't get a rise. Not trying to preserve my condoms.
The wheels of sexual fulfillment are reliant on the turbine's columns
solutions confusing as Harrison Bergeron's two steps
soon as I reach second base, Lucette gets loose-lipped
drunk, pasted, trudging - too bad Desire's interlaced with Glutton
I proudly declared as if it were an ancient custom:
'You don't have to be a baker for me to taste your muffins."


fuck with most if not all of that entire segment. really succinct line to finish with, embodies the verse before it. the overall vibe i got from your verse is one that bordered on the perverse, which, when i think about it, is one i think i've seen from you before. you'd have to remind me of the piece, though. but yea you were like an alien sex zombie that wanted to violate this bitch with a probe to defile her. she must have been lustrous. it was distinctly different to your partner's writ, yet vaguely similar in it's wealth of obscure references providing the infrastructure of the verse. i enjoy your writing, i do, even if it is often a chore for me.

i said i would be back and i bet neither of you believed me. i'm that nigga. a keynote speaker with gravitas... made time for small-talk.

super duper uber cool collab bros. totally made me want to write about slayin' bitches. i'm not that awkward. depends i guess.

peas.

Last edited by Eŋg; 08-27-2013 at 12:34 AM.
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