08-02-2014, 12:53 AM | #1 |
Arm the Homeless
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,104
Battle Record: 22-24
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 35079719 |
Fig and Zen wrote this and it's real cool and stuff.
Living on the outside. Conscious of you.
A performance for devout eyes that costs you the view. Crying and blind like I'm dying inside. I'm like a lie; I'm a rind. A shell of a man, who cried like a conche when you blew. So let the con chest protrude. The common object is views. Is it enough to say my house of mirrors is product of truth? I'm caught up in clues. Klonopin colada abused. clock constantly accosts while this karma accrues. Got my heart in a noose, chokehold. Use my arm to get loose, but it's so cold. Gasps squeak softly, that harmonious tune explains the martyrs use. Go home. I awake in cold sweats scratching my throat with a blade in my own grip. Savage at soul. Jack on the floor. Madness controlled. My mirror hates me. It collapsed and broke and shattered. My toes bleeding from glass shards, hasn't this happened before? Punched everything and then thrashed some more. Smoking weed and gasp hard. Threw my trash on the porch. Shit, I'm high now writing this tied to a mirror. No paper. No lines. My mind just types this using my eyes as a printer. Pain inside supplies the rhymes. *Enter* I strain to divine the warm light that's stationed inside; encased in the mind, but forsakend with tastes from the pipe. so vacant and blight. these rations of contaminant sipped.. shaded yet shined. commanded to abandon the ship. Stagnant, inanimate man akin to mannequins when, a glass casket gets a grip upon the canvas within. It's dated and signed. I'm adamant I'll take it in time. Parading through lifes lanes while in no state to drive So, Jesus take the wheeeeeeell!! Carrie's my babe on the side so I make her carry my underwear til she starts pacing, crying and screaming, "Baby, why!?!? I'm leaving!!" "K, bye!" Hatred's alive, and its winning. A sinner sinning wasted on life. Wasted life from the beginning. Drugs saved me, right? Waiting to end this. How much does it take to die? So emo, so evil. Unable to face the light because I hate it inside. I hate happiness. It seems fake, compliant. Rather be angry and violent plunging blades in your eyelids...I mean fuck, what was I saying? I lost my page. Oh, right, if love's a game who wins? Who loses? It takes two to play and I've tried but, shit, I hate some ties. Sometimes I'm jealous of those who thrive in a cage. Wish I could sit idle while my life slips away. Update my Facebook for my need of praise. Instagram my selfie, #smilieface:). Watch me. Love me. You guys are great! Listen to beats by Dre while I see whose liked my page. The pessimist in me hates that, but that makes me seem like a hipster. "Oh, you don't like it? Wow, go figure." Everybody's a know it all now on Twitter. Remember when times were so simpler? Be out all light. Come home for dinner. These memories cloud my mind. I think they're over, finished....Until I think it over, then I'm back in the moment living it. I still remember when I first met Sarah, we were only children. I even remember when Dad was home for Christmas. Ok, I've had it. It's over, end this. It's hard to accept death. It's even harder to accept life. We neglect living because we're dead inside. Walk around dreaming. Think we're so clever. No pleasure for the pest with mind. Nature's blunder. The deceptive kind. We warp our memories to fit our image of who we are. We're all legends inside. Look around for meaning with desperate eyes. We'll sleep when we're dead because rest is a vice. Stick lead in our spine to get through to our thick heads that we're dying. Under pressure, we watch forever unwind. Together, we're fine watching the weather. Oh, my. We're looking at the sun set red in the sky as it let in the night. We touched hands, and let out a sigh. Her hair laid down on her eyes as we kissed in the sand. But all I keep wondering is why am I remembering her again? Last edited by Zen; 08-02-2014 at 02:56 AM. |
08-02-2014, 01:02 AM | #2 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 295
Battle Record: 3-3
Rep Power: 976836 |
Liked the flow and the vocab usage,
lotta words that i haven't used yet, Its good to see some fresh talent. Very deep stuff as well. Zen you should check my stuff i know you'll like it. |
08-02-2014, 01:24 AM | #3 |
SOBER
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 13,052
Battle Record: 2-5
Champed - AOWL Season 2
Rep Power: 85899406 |
holy fuck @ centering feed
oh dear who wrote what? you guys are mysterious. will feed (no split)
__________________
If I ventured in the slipstream Between the viaducts of your dreams Where immobil steel rims crack And the ditch in the back road stop Could you find me? |
08-02-2014, 03:41 AM | #4 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
Battle Record: 23-10
Champed - Art of Writing League
- AOWL Season 5
Rep Power: 23856376 |
This was most pleasant. And though I know it was intended to be this way, the way you simply put your raw thoughts without any connotation felt a bit idle. At times you did, but they were for showmanship, rather than the actual adding of layer to the substance at hand. Don't get me wrong this was well written, but had a missing element of introspection. Converting the raw thoughts/ experiences into what all of this means to you. Rather than just portraying the reactions, the byproducts, you can also explore the vastness of what creates them. This is an internally derived piece written from feeling, yet where and why is this feeling recreated. Why does it continue to emerge, and from where does it submerge to. This are simply crude explanations of mine, but in truth what I mean to say is it did not have the contemplation that reflected your awareness. Rather it was just writings on the external stimuli effect on the internal state that man's contains within, and how it becomes riled up. This was obviously meant to be a piece that portrays "realness". But realness at times has an element of fabrication that lies at the heart of he who crafts it. The perception is well reflected, but not the seer. Though there are hints and glimpses of him, and he appears chaotic and emotional. Which is a major theme of this, which is quite good. But an exploration of the reason for the mania, or a deeper analysis of it through a metaphorical ambiance will certainly deepen the piece.
Anyways, my favorite part was this I strain to divine the warm light that's stationed inside; encased in the mind, but forsakend with tastes from the pipe. so vacant and blight. these rations of contaminant sipped.. shaded yet shined. commanded to abandon the ship. Stagnant, inanimate man akin to mannequins when, a glass casket gets a grip upon the canvas within. |
08-04-2014, 08:22 AM | #5 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: BITER
Posts: 138
Battle Record: BITER
Rep Power: 0 |
Another fine piece @Zen you really capture the essence, its like an aura highlights your work Damn!! Word word perfected by choice, the multiple rhythmic pattern is exquisitely structured,
|
08-05-2014, 06:52 PM | #6 |
Banned
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,962
Battle Record: 6 - 14
Rep Power: 0 |
sick.
highly entertained. humor mixed in with some emo and general insights on life. authentic. good rhythm. you need to lighten up a bit.. actually no wait, don't, not if it would stop you from writing stuff like this. HOF nom. (not joking) |
08-08-2014, 02:53 PM | #7 |
___________
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: California
Posts: 1,989
Battle Record: 4-4
Champed - The Ultimate Textcee
- NBL Cypher
Rep Power: 11033509 |
It's hard to accept death. It's even harder to accept life. We neglect living because we're dead inside. Walk around dreaming. Think we're so clever. No pleasure for the pest with mind. Nature's blunder. The deceptive kind. We warp our memories to fit our image of who we are. We're all legends inside. Look around for meaning with desperate eyes. We'll sleep when we're dead because rest is a vice. Stick lead in our spine to get through to our thick heads that we're dying.
this is pretty much the summary of the whole thing and was the brightest spot for me. so emo lol. Sometimes I'm jealous of those who thrive in a cage. Wish I could sit idle while my life slips away. Update my Facebook for my need of praise. Instagram my selfie, #smilieface:). Watch me. Love me. You guys are great! Listen to beats by Dre while I see whose liked my page. this was pretty cool to cage is pretty cool metaphor for instagram and all of that, word. the way you kind of wrote this took the tone of someone thinking out loud about all these emotions from remembering the ex which is pretty cool, not many people can get into that mindframe and project it onto paper. Nice Job you two. RTF - http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=87231 |
08-08-2014, 09:28 PM | #8 |
obsessed
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: fucka idiyote
Posts: 5,716
Battle Record: Faggot-1
Accomplishments - can recite entirety of shrek 2
Champed - tangoed with spider man behind scenes in spider-man 2
- was candidate for gerber baby 3x
- smush parker like bb comment on instagram saying "u fucka suck idiyote"
- smush beer on head and didn't cry
- parallel parked in between 2 ferrari's in tonky truck once
- when saying pledge of allegiance i said "i don't" lmao deadass bb satan
- won tshirt from taco bell saying "taco cat" is the same backwards for filling out 500 surveys in a
- neighbor house caught on fire i call FIRE department and saved lives, was in newspaper
- set neighbor house on fire lmao
- fuck neighbor husband and wife
- first fish caught resembled david ortiz
- colin kaepernick
- related to genghis khan
- elected assistant to the vice president assistant to the president for regional chess club
- never lost game of hide and seek
Rep Power: 8599679 |
This was pretty cool. I liked the insight on alot. Instagram stood out,a nd a few other bits as well. You guys work well off each other but i'll annihilate you both so stay in your fucking lane.
jk good job, will return more singular feed, later. |
|
|