The Shadowlands Revisit

Concrete · 08-19-2022, 11:29 PM

rhythmic raindrops steadily pouring in measly weather
on dreamlike sheets of feathers she could sleep forever
that momentous night feeble Mary was feeling weary
while something really eerie kept creeping near her

the floor made a creepy screech notably sharpening
a harbinger of darker things beamed from the carpeting
as the threat loomed
further into her bedroom
she screamed severly: "please, don't come near me!
frozen in fear she saw an ominous apparition appearing
it softly spoke back:
dear Mary, just hear me, I'm no demon merely a faery!
come here then, take my hand and let us fare well
seemingly careless, as if under a rare spell
she followed the "faery" down the stair well..

leaping between gates, steered away between weird places
seeing trees waving, green maples, feeling a breeze grazing
across the surreal acres, all these fields seemed gracious
piercing the floating landscape she detected a thick road
layered by monumental brick rocks forged as a big clock
every step Mary tip toed made an instant 'tick tock'
traversing the marvelous scenery she could hear a fantastical chorus
sounds of playful children laughing echoed through the magical forest

you are now reminded of the pleasant
however girl, time is of the essence

they wandered to a happy camp clapping, dancing and chanting
a glistening silver maiden stood there glancing, enchanting
a world full of magic, yet something tragic concerning the fabric
the maiden put on her glasses all her friends turned into plastic

everything is not what it seems
see few people are actually real
but you already know the tale
come now child, beyond the vale

through the glimmering palette Mary saw a shimmering palace
sorrounded by seraphs singing a ballad with lingering malice
mannequin Prince Charming stood freezing in an alarming sequence
sparkling beacons of reasons why she never received darling treatments
below a garden of leafs that guarded the secret of a disregarded creature
along the grey wall.. mosaic murals displayed distorted hearts in pieces

sweet little one, don't be dazzled by despair
that was just another empty castle in the air
there is still little time to procrasinate, dear

strolling further she could witness her deepest wishes far in the distance
yet somehow twisted like something missing, bearing scars of existance
the lost land of oppurtunity, too much grief to reach
hills of defeat too steep, rivers of disbelief too deep

stricken with grief Mary felt an uneasy urge to quickly retreat
tripling the speed made the ticking increase, she tripped on her feet
falling.. as colors of solemn temperance gave an automn semblance
recollecting forgotten emblems resembling the crestfallen presence
an old dame on a desolate island enveloped by a black sea of solitude
bittersweet solemn moods, only quiet tranquility to seek solace through

we have to keep walking, even in hollow shoes
to what end this trip takes I'll always follow you

onwards to a bleak view of the essential tree..
rooted in hope, now grey and decayed stood there rotten
beneath it Mary spotted her family inside wooden boxes
an awareness asked itself, what was the purpose of Mary?

doesn't matter any more, there are no more burdens to carry
this is the end of the road, now venture into the tunnel, Mary
see, my name is Death and your essence is depleted of life
follow the gleam inside, see the light - finally free of stride

the playing child: we have to go, no more play
the silver maiden: letting go, no more delay
the aborted child: let it go, dwindle away
the old dame: letting go now, I cant stay

.

all along
she was sick, old and alone..
confined inside, there was no smile as she died
Mary's life flashed by, through the eyes of denial

.
.
.

embarking into the tunnel, her final steps into the dying abyss
hallucinating loving faces, she rushed right into it, crying of bliss

Adverse · 08-20-2022, 11:57 PM

Hey man, this was a pretty good read first and foremost.

This isn’t like a profound take on the topic of death, I mean it’s real “A Christmas Carol” esque, but in the same breath I think your take was original enough to stand on its own as well. I liked the fact of death coming disguised as a fairy, obviously nobody’s going to go anywhere with death so the notion of it coming as another entity is awesome.

I liked all the imagery you laid out here and the way the scenes shift, the revelation later on that these weren’t just whimsical scenes a fairy was whisking someone away too, but were actual moments from Mary’s life being relived. The imagery was awesome throughout

“through the glimmering palette Mary saw a shimmering palace
sorrounded by seraphs singing a ballad with lingering malice
mannequin Prince Charming stood freezing in an alarming sequence
sparkling beacons of reasons why she never received darling treatments”

Great stuff here, and then reality starts shattering around the protagonist, this little Alice in Wonderland journey starts to fall into a darker territory

“stricken with grief Mary felt an uneasy urge to quickly retreat
tripling the speed made the ticking increase, she tripped on her feet
falling.. as colors of solemn temperance gave an automn semblance
recollecting forgotten emblems resembling the crestfallen presence”

Think this was my favorite section of the whole piece. Really good, could even feel her fear radiating off of it.

“ onwards to a bleak view of the essential tree..
rooted in hope, now grey and decayed stood there rotten
beneath it Mary spotted her family inside wooden boxes
an awareness asked itself, what was the purpose of Mary?”

Was also great and the lack of rhyme in the last line kind of added to it in my opinion

Overall this was a great piece, I was immersed in this world you created and you did an awesome job pacing it. I’m a fan wish you could have hopped in the AOWL

Concrete · 08-23-2022, 07:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Adverse

Overall this was a great piece, I was immersed in this world you created and you did an awesome job pacing it. I’m a fan wish you could have hopped in the AOWL

Yeah, figured I was too late for that party. I intend to hop on when it suits me better, I might contribute with a vote or two this season if needed. Thanks for the feed btw, yours is an opinion I respect.

08-19-2022, 11:29 PM	#1
Concrete Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2013 Location: Oslo Posts: 179 Battle Record: 5-0 Rep Power: 2158975	The Shadowlands Revisit rhythmic raindrops steadily pouring in measly weather on dreamlike sheets of feathers she could sleep forever that momentous night feeble Mary was feeling weary while something really eerie kept creeping near her the floor made a creepy screech notably sharpening a harbinger of darker things beamed from the carpeting as the threat loomed further into her bedroom she screamed severly: "please, don't come near me! frozen in fear she saw an ominous apparition appearing it softly spoke back: dear Mary, just hear me, I'm no demon merely a faery! come here then, take my hand and let us fare well seemingly careless, as if under a rare spell she followed the "faery" down the stair well.. leaping between gates, steered away between weird places seeing trees waving, green maples, feeling a breeze grazing across the surreal acres, all these fields seemed gracious piercing the floating landscape she detected a thick road layered by monumental brick rocks forged as a big clock every step Mary tip toed made an instant 'tick tock' traversing the marvelous scenery she could hear a fantastical chorus sounds of playful children laughing echoed through the magical forest you are now reminded of the pleasant however girl, time is of the essence they wandered to a happy camp clapping, dancing and chanting a glistening silver maiden stood there glancing, enchanting a world full of magic, yet something tragic concerning the fabric the maiden put on her glasses all her friends turned into plastic everything is not what it seems see few people are actually real but you already know the tale come now child, beyond the vale through the glimmering palette Mary saw a shimmering palace sorrounded by seraphs singing a ballad with lingering malice mannequin Prince Charming stood freezing in an alarming sequence sparkling beacons of reasons why she never received darling treatments below a garden of leafs that guarded the secret of a disregarded creature along the grey wall.. mosaic murals displayed distorted hearts in pieces sweet little one, don't be dazzled by despair that was just another empty castle in the air there is still little time to procrasinate, dear strolling further she could witness her deepest wishes far in the distance yet somehow twisted like something missing, bearing scars of existance the lost land of oppurtunity, too much grief to reach hills of defeat too steep, rivers of disbelief too deep stricken with grief Mary felt an uneasy urge to quickly retreat tripling the speed made the ticking increase, she tripped on her feet falling.. as colors of solemn temperance gave an automn semblance recollecting forgotten emblems resembling the crestfallen presence an old dame on a desolate island enveloped by a black sea of solitude bittersweet solemn moods, only quiet tranquility to seek solace through we have to keep walking, even in hollow shoes to what end this trip takes I'll always follow you onwards to a bleak view of the essential tree.. rooted in hope, now grey and decayed stood there rotten beneath it Mary spotted her family inside wooden boxes an awareness asked itself, what was the purpose of Mary? doesn't matter any more, there are no more burdens to carry this is the end of the road, now venture into the tunnel, Mary see, my name is Death and your essence is depleted of life follow the gleam inside, see the light - finally free of stride the playing child: we have to go, no more play the silver maiden: letting go, no more delay the aborted child: let it go, dwindle away the old dame: letting go now, I cant stay . all along she was sick, old and alone.. confined inside, there was no smile as she died Mary's life flashed by, through the eyes of denial . . . embarking into the tunnel, her final steps into the dying abyss hallucinating loving faces, she rushed right into it, crying of bliss

08-20-2022, 11:57 PM	#2
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,739 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446142	Hey man, this was a pretty good read first and foremost. This isn’t like a profound take on the topic of death, I mean it’s real “A Christmas Carol” esque, but in the same breath I think your take was original enough to stand on its own as well. I liked the fact of death coming disguised as a fairy, obviously nobody’s going to go anywhere with death so the notion of it coming as another entity is awesome. I liked all the imagery you laid out here and the way the scenes shift, the revelation later on that these weren’t just whimsical scenes a fairy was whisking someone away too, but were actual moments from Mary’s life being relived. The imagery was awesome throughout “through the glimmering palette Mary saw a shimmering palace sorrounded by seraphs singing a ballad with lingering malice mannequin Prince Charming stood freezing in an alarming sequence sparkling beacons of reasons why she never received darling treatments” Great stuff here, and then reality starts shattering around the protagonist, this little Alice in Wonderland journey starts to fall into a darker territory “stricken with grief Mary felt an uneasy urge to quickly retreat tripling the speed made the ticking increase, she tripped on her feet falling.. as colors of solemn temperance gave an automn semblance recollecting forgotten emblems resembling the crestfallen presence” Think this was my favorite section of the whole piece. Really good, could even feel her fear radiating off of it. “ onwards to a bleak view of the essential tree.. rooted in hope, now grey and decayed stood there rotten beneath it Mary spotted her family inside wooden boxes an awareness asked itself, what was the purpose of Mary?” Was also great and the lack of rhyme in the last line kind of added to it in my opinion Overall this was a great piece, I was immersed in this world you created and you did an awesome job pacing it. I’m a fan wish you could have hopped in the AOWL