pseudo dead man verse

Pharaohs Army · 01-17-2019, 06:21 PM

As I sit with a rhyme

Locked in my room, quiet as a mime
Things would be different if I had more time
I'm just an artist painting with muddy colors
You were just a shark swimming in bloody water
You knew I was smart, but to you- I was a bore from the start
Is that what tore us apart?
Out of options, I remember Annabelle told me I had a problem
Because it wasn't courage that was shot in my vein,
More like something to stop all the pain
Wet from the rain. I remember you came to my porch
We hit it off darling, the flame to my torch
I remember your skin, fair as a rose petal
You told me "don't settle"
Now I tried giving advice and you told me "don't meddle"
It Is my wish that I could Hold True,
but old wounds won't let me hold you...
Storybook endings. historical references
I guess it was me who said we were ending it
Was it all just lust?
Now I keep thinking of the meaning of "us",
I don't know anymore; the meaning of love

-PA

Pharaohs Army · 01-17-2019, 06:53 PM

It's lacking an alcohol reference.
Maybe will edit in later.

The title is "I remember".
Might post this to another site and see the feedback.

Immolate · 01-18-2019, 01:48 AM

Locked in my room, quiet as a mime
Things would be different if I had more time
I'm just an artist painting with muddy colors
You were just a shark swimming in bloody water

but old wounds won't let me hold you...

I guess it was me who said we were ending it

tight

Pharaohs Army · 01-26-2019, 01:20 AM

Yeah so it started pretty good but I probably lost the reader when I said "flame to my torch"

Any thoughts?

ACTIVATE SELF · 01-26-2019, 02:58 PM

Lol

This was funny, semi-clever and an all around pretty good read. I think you did a fairly decent job mimicking dead man’s tone and subject matter, however, the actually wording and overall flow didn’t truly feel like a dead man verse. With that said, parody or not, this was dope....

Quote:

Out of options, I remember Annabelle told me I had a problem
Because it wasn't courage that was shot in my vein,
More like something to stop all the pain
Wet from the rain. I remember you came to my porch
We hit it off darling, the flame to my torch
I remember your skin, fair as a rose petal
You told me "don't settle"
Now I tried giving advice and you told me "don't meddle"
It Is my wish that I could Hold True,
but old wounds won't let me hold you...
Storybook endings. historical references
I guess it was me who said we were ending it
Was it all just lust?
Now I keep thinking of the meaning of "us",
I don't know anymore; the meaning of love

Lol@ “Annabelle” and “historical references” and “-PA”.

Pharaoh, man, if you ever actually gave two shits you’d probably be one of the dopest. Then again who actually gives two shits nowadays anyway? But word. Cool piece.

01-17-2019, 06:21 PM	#1
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,962 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	pseudo dead man verse As I sit with a rhyme Locked in my room, quiet as a mime Things would be different if I had more time I'm just an artist painting with muddy colors You were just a shark swimming in bloody water You knew I was smart, but to you- I was a bore from the start Is that what tore us apart? Out of options, I remember Annabelle told me I had a problem Because it wasn't courage that was shot in my vein, More like something to stop all the pain Wet from the rain. I remember you came to my porch We hit it off darling, the flame to my torch I remember your skin, fair as a rose petal You told me "don't settle" Now I tried giving advice and you told me "don't meddle" It Is my wish that I could Hold True, but old wounds won't let me hold you... Storybook endings. historical references I guess it was me who said we were ending it Was it all just lust? Now I keep thinking of the meaning of "us", I don't know anymore; the meaning of love -PA

01-17-2019, 06:53 PM	#2
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,962 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	It's lacking an alcohol reference. Maybe will edit in later. The title is "I remember". Might post this to another site and see the feedback. Last edited by Pharaohs Army; 01-18-2019 at 12:00 AM.

01-18-2019, 01:48 AM	#3
Immolate I'm UPset Join Date: Feb 2018 Posts: 1,705 Rep Power: 9888957	Locked in my room, quiet as a mime Things would be different if I had more time I'm just an artist painting with muddy colors You were just a shark swimming in bloody water but old wounds won't let me hold you... I guess it was me who said we were ending it tight __________________ A lot of top guys have dark moods. That Winston Churchill drank a quart of brandy before breakfast. Napoleon, he was a moody fuck, too.

01-26-2019, 01:20 AM	#4
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,962 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	Yeah so it started pretty good but I probably lost the reader when I said "flame to my torch" Any thoughts?