WEEK 7: Artifice vs Johnny 6 feet JOHNNY WINS

[Inno]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE


@Artifice @Johnny 6 feet

Max line: 30

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

Due date: May 8, 2020 11:59 EST TIME

GOODLUCK!

[Johnny 6 feet]

Checking in like rehab.

[Artifice]

check

[Johnny 6 feet]

Icarus

The heart monitor bleeps it's alarm, my eyes open wearily
I see the webbing on the ceiling, the same old scenery
For four months and countless hours I've been in this lobby wishing
For parole from the gaol, and my body is the prison
A 'tragic accident' the papers called it, it was the alcoholic
Tech who didn't safety check the ropes for the love of Jack
And at showtime, after the slow climb, man, did I fall quick
Hit the deck, a sea of darkness, after that, no coming back

Broken vertebrae and brain damage, irreversible, stated facts
And then it washes over my eyesight, mottled, mainly black

I try to lift a finger, but they're strongman's weights
Lion tamer's whips strip ribbons of pain down my face
And my head's a clown car, jam packed with broken glass
Can't even inhale my tongue so I can choke my last
I juggle thoughts of cheering crowds, shocked gasps at acrobatics
I was the charismatic Icarus, they said my act was magic
Still the music from the Big Top plays it's merry tune
A funeral march in the dark, sterile, hospital room

The love of performance was harmless as a baited trap
And then it bleeds into my sight again, mottled, mainly black

Visiting hours are in session and an Angel walks in
She's never late, despite the pain etched in her forced grin
Today's our anniversary, she still wears the wedding band
And greets with sweet small talk, takes my trembling hand
I try to say 'I love you' but instead I just burble
I knew my job was dangerous, I never meant to hurt you..
I try to ask her to smother me, turn off the bloody machine!
But blessed release from this nightmare is something I couldn't dream

The shadows lengthen as the day ends, there's the snick of the latch
The door closes as the colour comes, mottled, mainly black

[Artifice]

bourbon lingers on my lips, twisted, last night i cap it
drown sorrows today, tomorrow i'll rock a life jacket
been the plan for months, but when i try to enact it
i get sidetracked, lose time & find it behind the flask lid
mind plastered, short circuiting memories jumbled
try to catch my footing but the ground eventually crumbles
trip over laces face-first, never intending to stumble
the taste made me chase addiction & its grip doesn't fumble
two steps forward, but one step back into madness
thru the fog of beer goggles found it a bit attractive
my spirits down but it gets up with a lift of glasses
& I'm only looking for proof if it can be lit with matches
on a bender but thought that i flattened the curve
looking back it's not really clear if it happened for sure
lost focus of my path so now the past is a blur
ahead the straight and narrow propose such a magical lure
just the thought of me trying has me tied up in knots
wanting to curl up into a ball & hide in one spot
but the trajectory for if i didn't stop
is grave... not being graphic, it's just the size of the plot
been given so many shots... often chased with lime
this tightrope without a safety net should be taken as a sign
in a moment of clarity i state okay, it's time
today will be the day i finally start to walk a straight line

[Universe]

Johnny 6 Feet - Interesting stuff here man. Your presentation sort of reminds me of our current champ Scar's - with the centering and breaking up of the verse etc.. I loved the "mottled, mainly black" repeated theme, almost a chorus in a topical verse, and it connected it all throughout... reminding us this character is close to death. You built a good world here man, I could envision it and was drawn right in. I felt you took the topic a LITTLE too literal though, like it was literally about a tight rope walking circus performer lol, but it still worked.

Loved this part:

"I try to lift a finger, but they're strongman's weights
Lion tamer's whips strip ribbons of pain down my face
And my head's a clown car, jam packed with broken glass
Can't even inhale my tongue so I can choke my last"

Great first week showing overall.

Artifice - Very cool little piece here. Sort of a glimpse inside the mind of addiction and all.the struggles that come with it. Straightforward and to the point, this was all substance (excuse the pun) over style. The story itself didn't quite draw me in as much as Johnny's though, but technically this is on a level above his, especially with gems like this being dropped:

"just the thought of me trying has me tied up in knots
wanting to curl up into a ball & hide in one spot
but the trajectory for if i didn't stop
is grave... not being graphic, it's just the size of the plot"

This is a TOUGH battle to choose a winner in. Credit to both of you for coming out the door swinging in this league. We basically have a battle of style vs. substance and I predict you guys are going to get a lot of back and forth voting. But I'll start it off and lean toward the verse I thought spoke to me the most...

Vote - Johnny 6 Feet

Artifice, I loved your verse man but it just came down to the fact that I feel more story driven today lol. Razor close but I got to pick somebody.

Great job guys.

[Scar]

j6f, very my nice man. You are definitely a natural story teller, i can just tell. This verse tells of a performance accident that left a guy bed riddance dealing with a sense of uselessness and meaningless existence - as assessed by him - and ultimately welcome the embrace of death. The visual was very clear and you were still able to incorporate literary devices, upping the quality of the verse. Lots of very interesting and unique analogies. The lion tamer one stood out to me because i've never heard any concept like that lulz. I love the ending. It was subtle but the sparse descriptions really work because of the poetry of it. he's slowly blacking out, that in itself alludes to grim reaper/black robe and all. I'll echo uni in saying that it was a pretty literal interpretation but in this case its the quality of writing that made it work. great read, my man.

Artifice, this was really good. Its clearly not a conventional story but more like a character study. The beauty of this is really in the one-liners and turns of phrase employed. Lots of clever stuff while still maintaining the integrity of the narrative, which in short is about a guy struggling with alcoholism. Again, nothing too groundbreaking there but the way he went about it pushed it to the stratosphere.

again, i'll echo my man uni in saying this is your classical clash of style and there will likely be a back and forth in votes. I"ll be the first to fulfill this universal prophesy lulz and vote Artifice. Love that johnny was able to tell a clear and concise story in such short span but artifice gave me more in terms of "writing" if that makes sense at all. I like the linguistic acrobat (no pun) that he employed, plus i felt his story hit a more universal chord. Not to take light of depression leading to suicidal tendency because thats a very real thing also. ah this is a hard one, salma hayek would definitely be proud of both of youz.

v/artifice

[Vulgar]

Johnny - good work, this had good scene-setting details. The repetitious lines made it seem more of a dreamlike state caused by injuries. The way a hospital room looks and its disorienting way of showing the time of day it is, confusion in calculating the duration of stay. So an acrobat and his partner had an accident and now he's in intensive care but she didn't make it. The tone of the verse was pretty cinematic. Unsure of the latch at the end - is he a prisoner? Or a prisoner to his near-fatal injuries? Nice job.

Artifice - Very good and accurate wordplay. Solid rhyming. It hit the topic well. This wasn't an out-of-the-box approach but you gave it authority by smoothly transitioning through punchline-like thoughts, to get to the end where you meet the topic. It was a formula that I think worked.

My vote goes to Artifice but it was close. Johnny had a vivid type of approach with his story. Artifice executed well with the style he chose, and I preferred it.

THanks for the reads.

[NYCQUITZ]

Nvm

[Clutbuck]

Good evening, gents! I always try to take a look at the image topic first and think about how I would approach it! This is an interesting one to me, I imagine the guy where his life was a mess - him unable to see a way out - searching for something he couldn’t find until one day he grasped at a thread that offered him a way out. He stayed on the same path, albeit a highly strung one, and slowly but surely begins to climb his way out, leaving the past behind him in an “It’s not where you’re from, but where you’re going,” that matters type of theme. Let’s see how you guys interpreted it...


Johnny - I was a big fan of your scene setting and wording from the jump, you did a good job of placing the reader directly where you wanted them to be in that opening line with the heart monitor for an alarm. There were a few instances where you mismatched the syllables of the multies, it’s not such a big deal here for me personally as they’re a relatively simple fix to put right and didn’t distract from the enjoyability of your verse. The rhyme pattern switch up in the last four lines of that first stanza was interesting too, I don’t see too many people do that, but it was a risk that I think you pulled off well and heightened the creativity for me from a technical perspective.

This line was a standout for me personally as a great tie-in between the topic and your central lead character:

Lion tamer's whips strip ribbons of pain down my face

The use of the lion tamers whip along with the “strip ribbons” was a deft touch, but a great choice of words, and it hasn’t gone unnoticed - kudos on that one.

The recurring couplet you introduced was another nice idea, again altering subtly as it’s reintroduced and it taking on a new meaning as we draw to a close.

I agree with Vulgar in terms of it evoking a dream-like feel, it was almost as if he was slipping in and out consciousness as we get to those sections, I’m not sure if that was intentional or not but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and say it was. Good job!


Artifice - I think your “title” for this piece is dope first off haha! I don’t know if anyone else caught that. Very clever. The writing is crisp, the shorter lined flow and technical ability with the multies etc is very much to my preference actually as I do it also. You’ve a knack for shorter lines which again is to my liking, and I’m from a text battle background so I also appreciate the punchline aspect you bring to the table that a lot of topical heads are missing. Sometimes simplicity is key and lines like this one really amplify that:

two steps forward, but one step back into madness

I found the verse quite comedic, actually, the further it went on - I noticed no one else mentioned that but maybe I just have a dry (pun always intended!) sense of humour. This one in particular got me:

my spirits down but it gets up with a lift of glasses
& I'm only looking for proof if it can be lit with matches

LOL!

The Lime mention almost had me as well, I’m now convinced you wrote this after a couple bottles of Budweiser. I could be wrong, of course, but that’s what I gleaned from it. “Art” (quote literally) imitating life type shit with you being drunk come the due date. I don’t think it’s so much style and substance as boiling down to simply who entertained me more this particular week. For me, personally, that was Artifice here.

Artifice gets my vote in a slobberknocker!

[Inno]

Johnny

I like how you took the literal approach to the main focal point to your story. You took a predictable route that’s true, but you made it your own. Weaving a tale of an acrobat having an accident. I especially loved the peppered in circus themes through out the first half of the piece. Clever and it helped to set the scene just right. Ultimately I think it was a fairly well done piece the only gripe I might have. Maybe spend a little more time in the second half developing that loyal spouse. Could of of helped me in dear myself a bit more to the main character thus strengthening the story a bit more. Solid showing though old chap.


Artifice

You also seemed to go the same route except your piece wasn’t literal but metaphorical which was a dope. Instead of taking the pic for face value and dig a little deeper under the surface. Like your opponent you placed little hints here and there with your wording to give your piece that extra layer. The ending is cool as it gives the whole verse this sense of it’s just another drunken episode, the whole thing lol. In a split second you sober up and claim sobriety like all addicts due, well done.


Overall

Pretty even match here. Both had their shining moments and both writers managed to weave stories that captured my attention. I gotta pick one though and I think I’m going with 6 feet here, I think he had just enough content to edge out this W. Dope battle tbh and thanks for the read fellas.


6feet

[Bodey]

so there's a reason i've been avoiding to vote on this battle because i find them even as far as representing the picture goes, and also both are well-written. basically it comes down to whoever thought out of the box more, whoever pulled on some emotional strings more, whoever wrote most descriptively representing the topic.

it sucks because my problem is that as a piece of writing, i prefer Artifice. as well as his angle on the topic because i relate very personally to addiction, especially on top of the fact that i prefer his style of writing/rhyming, and sneaking in a creative tightrope metaphor. it was like reading a journal entry of my own. Johnny took a more visual approach, and honestly i think it worked better with the picture. i found that his storytelling reached a little deeper and the italicized parts served their affect. i found his last stanza to edge a more emotional aspect compared to Artifice.

so that's why i hate battles like this because it comes down to personal preference, but in this case i'm personally trying to see it from an objective point of view. i think Johnny deserves the win here (by a speck of sand) because i found that his narrative was more detailed, and found it creative that it was from the perspective of a comatose acrobat.

v/Johnny

[dead man]

J6F, cool interpretation of the pic. a bit on the nose, but well executed. icarus as an extension of the tightrope walker who strode too close to his own success. it's a sad story. we always say, well at least i do, that if i ever end up in a situation like your protagonist, just pull the fucking plug. harder to say than to do. your recurring "hook" worked well as a device to keep the reader engaged and grounded. its not often utilized but i liked it here. well written and focused submission.

artifice, i find it interesting you both included alcoholism as central themes of your verses. functioning alcoholism is indeed like walking a tightrope. very dangerous game to play, but we play it nonetheless. the "so many shots, chased with lime" was probably my standout line. wrapped it all up with a direct reference to the image. i liked it.

sorry for the short vote, it's been hard to find a moment to focus.

overall, i think J6F had a more creative submission here. voting for johnny.