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Old 09-18-2015, 07:23 AM   #1
sral
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Exclamation 2triple0 vs. Flo Real - FLO [4-1]

AOWL Season V, Week 9


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Monday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Tuesday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Friday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles and post links/ references in the voting thread.

Read the full rules here!

TOPIC:



Good luck!

@Flo Real @2triple0 @2tripple0 @ribbit
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Old 09-18-2015, 04:32 PM   #2
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im here
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Old 09-20-2015, 02:33 PM   #3
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im going to invest and watch over me and my friends
and i know about seeing shit correct like i had a clean lense
and you know i can film this as if it was a movie
your all just actors in my universal studio and its all about money
im drawing auditions for those fighting to survive inflation
people be intimidated these days its like im looking at a reflection
cuz just like the oceans the colour of the water isn't natural
its just the blue sky that makes it look blue and just like collateral
im using this for my midnight riders where nothing survives without sunlight
im like a tribe trying to cover a bee gees song since my shit so tight
gonna find the nugget inside this information because its like folgers
because im digging in the roots and building dams like i was an otter
since its funny how every person needs 3 meals a day
there cant possibly be enough food to supply everyone with a plate
and im unsure why its so difficult to create a company name and symbol
and its a gamble but im making money off this as if it was a cows nipple
im trying to decide what else im forgetting because i constantly counting sheep
but never fall asleep if you headed upstream then turn left and hit a creek
im unsure but you think its demeaning and my posture isn't correct
but you aint learn and like women they aint like being treated like objects
theres all these shapes and sizes to address i cant always supply the stamps
but inside this fixture you can tell that im lighting the passage with lamps
but just like a cramp im pulling ya muscles and ripping out ya tissue
and im like a diamond in the rough something that's warm inside like igloos
you like Indians they need there own settlements and call them reservations
and they hate feathers used on baseball teams because they claim its racist
they say you don't use a cross or crucifix on any of the professional teams
and its the same thing because everything they represent is holy to their beliefs
and i aint on no scientifical level but i still run with a hard crew
since its like murphys law everything came to life u thought wasn't true
ive said enough wrap this up like the Dave Chappelle show
its like the probability of the baker not rising and forgetting to bake the dough




32...... match........
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Old 09-21-2015, 01:50 PM   #4
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At first its for that ecstacy, shared with everyone next to me
Thirst for the treasure as we stare at the board expecting destiny
In a state of broken reverie as the system exits me to gloom
Memory of what could of been, hoplessness and agony consume
Im twisting as my stomach is turning, my ears are burning
Whispering a quiver as my lips slither out a yelp, a puppet thats hurting
Im concerning my kids as i scour my pockets for hits
Instead of coins i have fluffy inconsolable bits that are the exact value of shit

If your going through hell keep going..... Winston Churchill

I leap for my card and dart for the nearest cash machine
Past clarity i push through the mass of dilluded dreams
I seem to think i can make it back if i only play again
Overdraft.... no worries ill win and wont worry til then
The same extactic feeling washes over my mind and body
An amazing automatic switch to elation from sighs of worry
Then the haze lifts as the signs signal cash or bust and crash is must
Its a feeling of lust cus i still want to return despite the deepest of cuts
Ill feed my addiction with the banks money until i have to steal
An infliction to never learn better, cuts may scar deep but the skin will heal

Tell me im wrong but i bet im right
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Old 09-21-2015, 02:10 PM   #5
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2K - I wish for one week you would just take your time and come up with a plotline rather than writing your stuff the second you see the image. You had a couple of ideas in here but typos, simplistic rhyming and left field similes brought it all down. If you're going to have comparisons, similes and metaphors, have them to do with an image or the topic. Don't compare business to The Chappelle Show. You've got some opportunities in there but I think you just throw everything out too quickly and it comes off way too underdeveloped.

Flo Real - A small piece but I really enjoyed it. I really like pieces that are sure of themselves and this definitely was. I picked up on the subject matter just a little bit into the second stanza and was begging that you wouldn't finish it off with "blah blah blah my gambling addiction". You did a great job keeping it subtle and it's a very interesting and original twist on a picture that could have gotten very generic very fast. I liked the little end part. Even though you put it across in a simple way, I felt like a couple of people might miss the subtleties so you allowed me to feel like I'm "in the loop" and will the notice comments like "I bet I will". Good piece, enjoyed reading it, looking forward to your next one.

MVGT - Flo Real.
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Old 09-21-2015, 03:17 PM   #6
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MVGT; 2triple0

Always fascinating in it's simple mindedness - 2triple0 is one of the deeper writers in AOWL history. Sure; his material may come off as amatuerish to some, but for me personally - I am always puzzled at the perplexity of his off kilter off beat. He is the golden era old school Newbie; reminiscent of the late great Nasif.
Flo Real was O.K if I am being polite; which I don't really deem necessary. The rhymes and content in general were merely way too basic for my liking. If Flo Real wrote this in 15 minutes, I would still be highly disappointed by the lack of effort. The highlight of Flo Reals submission this week was his font and centering.


MVGT; 2triple0
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Old 09-23-2015, 04:48 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2tripple0 View Post
and you know i can film this as if it was a movie
your all just actors in my universal studio and its all about money

gonna find the nugget inside this information because its like folgers
because im digging in the roots and building dams like i was an otter

since its funny how every person needs 3 meals a day
there cant possibly be enough food to supply everyone with a plate
Movie/money not rhyming threw me off from the jump. Folgers / otter.. again, why not use words that rhyme??

I liked the 3 meals a day / plate line, that was cool. Besides a few lines, this seems very sporadic / not relating to the topic. I feel you're using a bunch of similes that don't necessarily improve the piece as a whole. I laughed out loud when I saw the like a cramp line, like- What the hell was that doing in this verse? You're a trooper though. You don't get discouraged and you keep writing. Not the best verse I've seen from you, not the worse either. I feel like you need to better conceptualize everything. I also hate giving advice because there's times I don't follow my own advice, so yeah.. Anyways, I think you should cut the fat on your bars, there's a lot of 'ands' 'buts' etc that would make things sound a little smoother. I just don't really understand how this related to the topic. Sorry.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Flo Real View Post
In a state of broken reverie as the system exits me to gloom
Memory of what could of been, hoplessness and agony consume
I liked that couplet. I don't think I've read a verse from you before, but this was okay. The flow of it was a lot better than 2000, so was the wording. Also, it related to the topic a lot more than 2000's verse.


If 2000 would have had a verse more directed towards the topic, I think he would have got this match. Maybe I just don't understand it, I don't know. But, for that reason, Im'a have to vote for

vFlo Real
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Old 09-23-2015, 10:31 PM   #8
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triple's shit felt a bit jumbled to me. I liked flo real's better simply for the fact that it was more coherent and had a cool vibe to it. Triple had some cool shit going but not enough to take the dub. Both couldve connected to the topic a bit better.

V/ FLO REAL
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Old 09-24-2015, 01:52 AM   #9
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PP...

I have no idea what you had going on here, it just came across weird
some of it was nice but a majority of it just had me waiting for the journey to end
you have more shining moments but the random thoughts pouring out take away most praise
I find myself doing this on and off when it comes to your week by week performance
I'd suggest a break, maybe take a moment to experience life & return with knowledge
either way I found a majority of your ideas to work and not work, at least you showed...

Flo,
I'm enthused by your work this is a switch up from last weeks performance
you really showed your ability to be versatile & work to your topic to the best of your ability
it's easy to hang onto every word due to hit being a quick read, yet its effective
you draw on different elements to make the piece become more well rounded...

v/I feel as though Flo swept PP in all categories while having the better showing
PP came with some decent ideas, I wish he would have taken a moment out to touch up some lines
chop down a sentence or two or 7 allowing yourself to showcase your stronger points
Flo kept it to a mere paragraph & a half it seemed like, the concept just flowed well
nice battle though, 2000 puttin' in more work it looks like..
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Old 09-24-2015, 08:19 AM   #10
sral
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Flo Real wins 4-1!
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