His Goodbye Letter

[Natural]

I'm a kid that's been abandoned by his only family
I been passed from home to home like i was candy
A soul that's broke and soaked in loathe & sadness
A heart that knows no love and no I can't imagine
The place that harbors such hard earned passion
Accustomed to the company of misery and tragedy
I've obtained a wrath in me that has reached capacity
It has to be released cuz I can see that I am gradually
Losing steam and having these lucid dreams of abuse
And screams that ensued in between three and four
Causing me to continually relive the grief and gore
I begin spewing streaming springs down my cheeks
Emotionally weak from the constant need to re explore
A wound that keeps on bleeding more every tour I take
I'm sore, I ache, I absorb my long awaited escape
As I pour myself a drink and swallow my eternal fate

[Wise Wiggles]

Cheer up man. Go fuck some teenagers or something.

[PancakeBrah]

Whoooooo.

Let's dissect some things.

Before I start let me just say that this concept is very much cliched. So to make it interesting for a reader you have to give it a twist, make it personal and emotionally resonant, or just overload on technical ability to the point that it becomes good. None of those occurred in this piece and I'm left with an empty stomach, looking for something more substantive to digest this afternoon.

"I'm a kid that's been abandoned by his only family
I been passed from home to home like i was candy"

The opening line is too on the nose for me. Your entire piece is going to be about a kid that's been abandoned by his family. Why are stating that in plain fact as your opening line. Also, 'only family' is a bit weird in terms of wording. Most people only have one family. To say only is redundant. Family/candy is a weak rhyme. Not saying it needed to be a multi. It doesn't. But the rhyme itself is weak. Also, is candy passed from home to home? Thus, the rhyme is also forced and the second line doesn't make sense. Also, it should be 'I've'.

"A soul that's broke and soaked in loathe & sadness
A heart that knows no love and no I can't imagine"

Should be 'loathing'. I find the use of 'soul' very cliched and difficult to use in creative writing on this site. The idea of a 'broken soul' is so overused that it should only be employed by a deft hand, which I don't think you have yet. Heart knowing no love is in the same boat. Rhyme was weak.

"The place that harbors such hard earned passion
Accustomed to the company of misery and tragedy"

First line was the best so far. Wasn't some line that blew me away, but it was solid and I had no issues with the wording or idea. The second line here falls into the same problem as 'broken soul' and 'loveless heart'. You're using platitudes without irony, thinking that you're being deep. People who read this are just rolling their eyes. You need to craft original thoughts. The use of 'the company of misery and tragedy' can be done well but it needs some subtlety, some personality. Here it's just a rudimentary tool hammering away at an already driven in nail.

"I've obtained a wrath in me that has reached capacity
It has to be released cuz I can see that I am gradually
Losing steam and having these lucid dreams of abuse"

Obtained is not the correct word to use. It has a positive connotation. The first line is akin to saying "I have obtained AIDS". Achievement unlocked. Reach capacity was decent. Wasn't a fan of the use 'cuz' for aesthetic reasons. Lucid dreams of abuse was the best line of the piece. That was pretty good, actually. Touches on the mentally hamstrung nature of the character you're trying to develop; even with freedom he can't escape this cycle and his inherently broken nature. Nice.

"And screams that ensued in between three and four
Causing me to continually relive the grief and gore"

Gore felt like a forced rhyme. You hadn't previously mentioned anything about violence in a concrete sense, and any contextual clues towards it has to be found with the biggest of magnifying glasses. Screams that ensued between three and four, in conjunction with the lucid dream idea, was good. Second line was not good.

"I begin spewing streaming springs down my cheeks
Emotionally weak from the constant need to re explore
A wound that keeps on bleeding more every tour I take
I'm sore, I ache, I absorb my long awaited escape
As I pour myself a drink and swallow my eternal fate"

Didn't like the use of 'spewing'. Didn't like the use of 'tour'. The last two lines were decent and closed the piece on a relatively high note, emphasis on relatively. Those bars were better than the majority of this piece but in a vacuum they're nothing new or exciting. I did like the 'I'm sore, I ache, I absorb' part of the second to last line. A small dash of creativity in an otherwise very mundane and sterile piece.

Keep writing.

[Scripter]

how is a kid passed around like candy? this just doesn't make sense at all, unless you speaking of child sex trafficing, I found this a little disturbing.

"I'm a kid that's been abandoned by his only family
I been passed from home to home like i was candy"

something else that didn't seem to make sense

"A soul that's broke and soaked in loathe & sadness
A heart that knows no love and no I can't imagine"

loathe is a verb not a noun
therefore it should be more like this "soaked in self loathe"
the hate is directed toward a noun
I hope this helps.

The structure and flow seemed pretty good but I think you could have done better here. Overall I would say you can do better but it still sounds pretty good.

[Natural]

Lol. The fake honest unbiased feed was entertaining guys.
Luckily for me I'm confident enough in my abilities that
Well a pancake just don't matter.

[Fig]

Originally Posted by Natural

Lol. The fake honest unbiased feed was entertaining guys.
Luckily for me I'm confident enough in my abilities that
Well a pancake just don't matter.

Natural, that feed was unbiased and very constructive. Although cake has been a dick to you, it's only because the way you react makes you an easy target. Stay writing, I'll be back to feed this

[Scripter]

Originally Posted by Natural

Lol. The fake honest unbiased feed was entertaining guys.
Luckily for me I'm confident enough in my abilities that
Well a pancake just don't matter.

hahaha they are all haters on here get use to it...
little bitches have nothing better to do than flame other peoples threads

[PancakeBrah]

Everything I said was unbiased. There are boarders here I don't 'like' who I think can write well.

You can't. It's just a fact. No bias.

I know you're going to ignore it, though. Doesn't bother me. Keep being happy in the bottom tier.

[Natural]

Originally Posted by PancakeBrah

Everything I said was biased. I do it because everybody else does. I'm just a follower. A bitch boy. Popular on the net....not so much outside of that.

[Lars]

lmao the homie Natural passed around from home to home like the cub scout brownies he soft as the centers of

[Split]

How is it biased tho

[Wise Wiggles]

It wasn't. That was completely unbiased. Rape face just sucks and is impatient and stubborn. I'm seeing patterns form here.

[Lars]

lmao I wish this thread had been 'Naturals goodbye letter' instead tbh

probably would have garnered more responses too

[Natural]

Originally Posted by Lars

lmao I wish this thread had been 'Naturals goodbye letter' instead tbh

probably would have garnered more responses too

Keep wishing bitch boy. You've fed my work positively too.
Just fyi

[Natural]

Bl ah blah blah
It's biased because his feed is based on reputation
I'm not a popular name around here and it's not the norm
for someone to be genuine when feeding my work.
Hence he is just following a trend.
I'm not here to make friends....
I'm here to improve my craft and I've succeeded in that quite frankly
If you had followed my work from beginning to now you'd know I have

As soon as I alias up and remove that reputation from the equation
I recieve generally positive feed....
A mixture of positives and negatives
Occasionally full out praise...with no real negative.

NEVER under any other alias I've had....has feed been this bad.
Furthermore I am confident in my own writing enough so
To know the difference between genuine feed and this shit

[Split]

Originally Posted by Natural

Bl ah blah blah
It's biased because his feed is based on reputation
I'm not a popular name around here and it's not the norm
for someone to be genuine when feeding my work.
Hence he is just following a trend.
I'm not here to make friends....
I'm here to improve my craft and I've succeeded in that quite frankly
If you had followed my work from beginning to now you'd know I have

As soon as I alias up and remove that reputation from the equation
I recieve generally positive feed....
A mixture of positives and negatives
Occasionally full out praise...with no real negative.

NEVER under any other alias I've had....has feed been this bad.
Furthermore I am confident in my own writing enough so
To know the difference between genuine feed and this shit

Correlation =/= causation

Bias is observable. Its characteristic of an opinion not the driving force

[Natural]

Originally Posted by Split Eight

Correlation =/= causation

Bias is observable. Its characteristic of an opinion not the driving force

In this case...it is the driving force.
If my reputation wasn't what it is....perhaps I was just another name among the masses
You'd be forced to judge my writing and my writing alone...because there would be nothing else attached to my name to allow in any bias.

[Lars]

Originally Posted by Natural

In this case...it is the driving force.
If my reputation wasn't what it is....perhaps I was just another name among the masses
You'd be forced to judge my writing and my writing alone...because there would be nothing else attached to my name to allow in any bias.

You're a no-name around here.

There is nothing attached to your name but disappointment, contempt, and the thought that you're a poor writing self-obsessed faggot with a hatred for women that say "no", faggot.

[Natural]

Originally Posted by Lars

You're a no-name around here.

There is nothing attached to your name but disappointment, contempt, and the thought that you're a poor writing self-obsessed faggot with a hatred for women that say "no", faggot.

Do you think your intimidating me? Lol.
And as always you are incorrect.

[Split]

Originally Posted by Natural

In this case...it is the driving force.
If my reputation wasn't what it is....perhaps I was just another name among the masses
You'd be forced to judge my writing and my writing alone...because there would be nothing else attached to my name to allow in any bias.

He evaluated your writing and your writing alone

Did you miss the parts where he talked entirely about your verse?

They are fair and accurate criticisms

Perhaps you could interpret your piece in an entirely positive manner, but that isn't bias. It is opinion. It is grounded in literal details