Netcees  

Go Back   Netcees > Forum > Open Mic Section > Open Mic HOF

User Tag List

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 06-11-2013, 04:42 PM   #1
namix
been that, done there.
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,260
Battle Record: 2-1

Accomplishments
- OM HOF


Rep Power: 85246652
namix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant future
Default "An Enlightening Game of 20 Questions"

"First question first: what’s the meaning of life? "
For you to keep on asking, until you get it right.
"Gee, great insight… what on earth does it mean??"
What it means on earth is the same as in your dreams.
"Um, elaborate please! Where do I find what I seek?"
You’ll find it in the hiding place which only you perceive.
"That’s three questions for you – still no answers for me?"
Or maybe just not the ones that you think you need?

"Why answer with more questions?" To show you what they mean.
"How am I to interpret that??" That’ll be the key.
"Clearly understanding’s key, yet I’m trapped in ambiguity!"
The key’s to find yourself; the truth’s to set you free.
"Can you spell it out for me?" In no language that you read.
"Just lay it out there please!" It won’t matter ‘til ya see.
"I know less than when I started." You’ll know more once you cease.
"How long can I ask the same question?" Until you answer it for me.

"HERE WE GO AGAIN!!" Here you go again.
"Why would ‘I’ go here again?" To hear it all again.
"Well this time, can you say it clear?" That depends on how you hear.
"You’re confusing with your words!" You confuse them with your ears.
"This is all one big cycle." I’m glad you’re seeing it show.
"I think we’re digressing." I think you’re beginning to grow.
"I think ya don’t know what I think." You think you think all that you know.
"Your answers breed more questions" Your questions breed both.

"AND HERE WE GO AGAIN‼" And here you go again.
"I don’t see where this is going," you don’t see where this has been.
"I’ve become a better person, and I've never looked back…
But I looked forward for the answer"
…And you never looked back.
"How many questions do I have?" Since you ask, you’re down to nine.
"You even counted that!" One who's given less tends to use it all more wise.

"Where will this end??" Where you would call the start.
"I’m getting lost again…" Try following your heart.
"Just enlighten me, please! All I need’s a little spark!"
If you want to see the light, you need to start out in the dark.
"Can’t you just point me to the grail or philosophers stone?"
I can, and I have, by simply pointing you back home.
"I don’t see how you’re helping!" That doesn’t mean you won’t.
"I just REALLY wanna know!" Are you really sure you don’t?

"Well if you’re the source of truth, why do you keep me guessin?"
Because it isn’t learned until discerned by the source of the question.
"I turn to you once more, and get turned away again!"
You turned to me, and as before, I’m turning you within.
"So why does he who helps himself even need you in the end?"
The conclusion can’t be reached until he sees where to begin.
Before then he’d only seek externally for conquering his doubt.
The outward helped him inward, now going in will help him out.
With no thoughts but his own, he will hear what’s never heard.
You will find the key alone… and then see you never were.

"So discernment is the truth?" Discernment is the key.
"And with the key, I’ll see the truth?" You'll perceive the tree.
"And what's the tree reveal?" Truth... in all you see & do.
As the creative root branches through all you’ve created too.
"Why didn’t you just say so?" It’s the cost of being free.
Those who don’t find it on their own, find it harder to believe.

"Well, that’s 19! I got more than I could ask in a 20 question game,
so for my final question: how can I help others seeking get the same?"


JUST GIVE THEM 20 QUESTIONS! Then listen to them speak!
How you learned how to learn is how I’d teach you how to teach.
Because every soul speaks different, their language is unique.
But each one has a key; customized for them, tailor-made by me.
If you gave them the key --- then that is NOT what it would be!
What good is something given that they've got within their reach?
They’ll care little what you know, until they perceive it on their own;
They'll ignore how big you are, but they’ll respond to how you've grown.
For folks so focused on the finish they start straying off the road,
Share with them where ya been, so it may show them where to go.
For while there are many different paths, there is only one summit.
The key to life is love…
…but that’s not what it’d be if I took the choice from it.
__________________
well fed.
namix is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-11-2013, 05:19 PM   #2
Nigma
The COAT...
 
Nigma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 1,724
Battle Record: 28-20


Champed
- Art of Writing League (x3)

Rep Power: 4595810
Nigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant future
Default

Hello. I feel as though you executed this concept very nicely. Considering the back and forth dialogue and progression plot development, I feel you did an alright job keeping the rhyme scheme on pace. Feel like you could have used some more internals or assonance to liven things up but it was still very readable mainly due to the content alone. You had intriguing witty answers for seemingly ordinary questions which was my favourite part of the verse. I feel the ending was a little lackluster. The direction you went was, meh, okay, but I feel the wording in the last line was sort of a bad note to end on. Regardless, this was a memorable verse that I'll probably reread in the future.
__________________
Nigma is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-11-2013, 05:31 PM   #3
Rawn M.D.
Guest
 
Posts: n/a




Default

Yo I really enjoyed this...

i dont think that was supposed to be rhyme driven as much as conceptual...and it suceeded in that imo...

the simple complexity was dope af...the use of homnymns n juxtapositions to bring out the answer, plus the tenses of words..sht was dope...imo

real concise, yet hit broadstrokes...i would quote stuff but im on a tablet, so shts like impossible...but i thinnk u'd know what i'd quote by what im sayn'...

this also reminded me of something, im not sure what, and im not saying its unoriginal, just the twist to it...something I may have read in a philosophy or world religions class...i unno.. but deff had a very original and unique twist...

dope sht man. We gotta collab =/
  Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2013, 12:13 PM   #4
namix
been that, done there.
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,260
Battle Record: 2-1

Accomplishments
- OM HOF


Rep Power: 85246652
namix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant future
Default

Great looks fellas, appreciate the feedback.

I feel you Nigma on the flow part -- I just went with something a little different and kinda deliberately didn't pay the attention i normally do to the technical flow.

and word up rawn - we have a few topics to collab on brotha, we still aint down brain wrinkles yet haha.


Feedback link (rawn and objective collab diss):
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=7481
__________________
well fed.
namix is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2013, 12:24 PM   #5
Flow
Upset Champion
 
Flow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: West Mids
Posts: 3,861
Battle Record: 57-49

Accomplishments
- 50 Wins

Champed
- BA Rookie Tourney
- 1-2 Punch League (x2)
- Pandemonium Cypher
- 1-2 Punch league Season 9

Rep Power: 24894577
Flow has a brilliant futureFlow has a brilliant futureFlow has a brilliant futureFlow has a brilliant futureFlow has a brilliant futureFlow has a brilliant futureFlow has a brilliant futureFlow has a brilliant futureFlow has a brilliant futureFlow has a brilliant futureFlow has a brilliant future
Default

This had a dope and fresh concept that I don't believe ive seen before.

Loved the whole content of this drop, certainly kept me engaged with some very witty dialogue throughout.

I loved this line below simply for it being one of the lines with internals.
"Well if you’re the source of truth, why do you keep me guessin?"
Because it isn’t learned until discerned by the source of the question.

I think some more internals would have been nice but to be honest it would have been difficult without sacrificing the content, which when done well like it was here is a lot more impressive. Its quite fresh to be honest to see a piece not so heavily focused on the flow. It paid off well.

Some really philosophical points that you made as well which was interesting in itself...

Im pretty tired so I rambled on with out much constructive feedback so apologies for that...

By the way this close was fire..
"So discernment is the truth?" Discernment is the key.
"And with the key, I’ll see the truth?" You'll perceive the tree.
"And what's the tree reveal?" Truth... in all you see & do.
As the creative root branches through all you’ve created too.
"Why didn’t you just say so?" It’s the cost of being free.
Those who don’t find it on their own, find it harder to believe.

Really liked how it tied it all off, flowed perfectly.

Final point- loved some of the vocab in there props.

I will try and give this the feedback it deserves when the baby lets me have some sleep :/
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by El Muffin View Post
Jay Welsh took your lunch money
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jabari Black View Post
Flow....that punch was disgusting. Mvgt Flow
Flow is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2013, 01:20 PM   #6
~RustyGunZ~
(ง'̀-'́)ง
 
~RustyGunZ~'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 15,851
Battle Record: 52-28

Accomplishments
-50+ wins

Champed
-Summer Classic VIII
-Netcees Battle League
-BA Picture
-BA TagTeam
-Fight Night Cypher I
-Fight Night XXXV
-Key Grand Prix 2018 1/2

Rep Power: 85899402
~RustyGunZ~ has a reputation beyond repute~RustyGunZ~ has a reputation beyond repute~RustyGunZ~ has a reputation beyond repute~RustyGunZ~ has a reputation beyond repute~RustyGunZ~ has a reputation beyond repute~RustyGunZ~ has a reputation beyond repute~RustyGunZ~ has a reputation beyond repute~RustyGunZ~ has a reputation beyond repute~RustyGunZ~ has a reputation beyond repute~RustyGunZ~ has a reputation beyond repute~RustyGunZ~ has a reputation beyond repute
Default

Dope. Will elaborate when I'm not on my phone.
~RustyGunZ~ is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2013, 02:12 PM   #7
PancakeBrah
SOBER
 
PancakeBrah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 13,052
Battle Record: 2-5


Champed
- AOWL Season 2

Rep Power: 85899406
PancakeBrah has a reputation beyond reputePancakeBrah has a reputation beyond reputePancakeBrah has a reputation beyond reputePancakeBrah has a reputation beyond reputePancakeBrah has a reputation beyond reputePancakeBrah has a reputation beyond reputePancakeBrah has a reputation beyond reputePancakeBrah has a reputation beyond reputePancakeBrah has a reputation beyond reputePancakeBrah has a reputation beyond reputePancakeBrah has a reputation beyond repute
Default

Meh.
__________________
If I ventured in the slipstream
Between the viaducts of your dreams
Where immobil steel rims crack
And the ditch in the back road stop
Could you find me?
PancakeBrah is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-14-2013, 07:39 AM   #8
namix
been that, done there.
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,260
Battle Record: 2-1

Accomplishments
- OM HOF


Rep Power: 85246652
namix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant future
Default

Thanks for the feedback @Flo Real, and good looks @Seth Scheinberg

thanks for reading danny boy
__________________
well fed.
namix is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-14-2013, 11:03 AM   #9
Void
Senior Member
 
Void's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 221




Rep Power: 0
Void Void Void Void Void Void Void Void Void Void Void
Default

This was good writing. Most people don't do concepts anymore, and it's a shame. This was simple, but well focused and delivered. I loved it.
Void is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-14-2013, 11:49 AM   #10
Mr. J
The Clown Prince
 
Mr. J's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,016
Battle Record: 35-45


Champed
- Art of Writing League

Rep Power: 59349678
Mr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant future
Default

Ehhh....well I'm not down for the constant questioning..
it seems off putting for me if you continuously use it..
it's like repeating a word with the same use just differently
either way I felt that you still delivered the message you wanted
I would suggest just easing up a bit on writing questions...
and merge it together into a fine twist of the imagination...
next time...nice drop either way...keep up the hard work
__________________
.....laugh....and the world laughs with you
Mr. J is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-15-2013, 12:47 AM   #11
~RustyGunZ~
(ง'̀-'́)ง
 
~RustyGunZ~'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 15,851
Battle Record: 52-28

Accomplishments
-50+ wins

Champed
-Summer Classic VIII
-Netcees Battle League
-BA Picture
-BA TagTeam
-Fight Night Cypher I
-Fight Night XXXV
-Key Grand Prix 2018 1/2

Rep Power: 85899402
~RustyGunZ~ has a reputation beyond repute~RustyGunZ~ has a reputation beyond repute~RustyGunZ~ has a reputation beyond repute~RustyGunZ~ has a reputation beyond repute~RustyGunZ~ has a reputation beyond repute~RustyGunZ~ has a reputation beyond repute~RustyGunZ~ has a reputation beyond repute~RustyGunZ~ has a reputation beyond repute~RustyGunZ~ has a reputation beyond repute~RustyGunZ~ has a reputation beyond repute~RustyGunZ~ has a reputation beyond repute
Default

this was more of a whole piece than a quote some lines for feed spiel

so I won't do that

it was dope 'cus you took an idea and delivered it smoothly and simply

no big lines, nothing to crazy technically, just a nice easy to read piece that left me feeling like it was time well spent to peep
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Answer
The BrainLord is in my top 5 content wise on the strength of what I’ve read from him on NC in recent years. I’d pick him to beat Answer over 20 lines
FREE PHAROAHS ARMY
~RustyGunZ~ is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-15-2013, 05:09 PM   #12
Mike Wrecka
WOW
 
Mike Wrecka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3,516
Battle Record: 29-25


Champed
- Writing Challenge League I

Rep Power: 82779335
Mike Wrecka has a brilliant futureMike Wrecka has a brilliant futureMike Wrecka has a brilliant futureMike Wrecka has a brilliant futureMike Wrecka has a brilliant futureMike Wrecka has a brilliant futureMike Wrecka has a brilliant futureMike Wrecka has a brilliant futureMike Wrecka has a brilliant futureMike Wrecka has a brilliant futureMike Wrecka has a brilliant future
Default

namix this was dope. you really brought both characters to life and made what is in essence a philosophical conversation into rhyme form. this would work wonderfully as a song with two MCs going back and forth. or one person using two different voices. reminded me ALOT of that Damien track by DMX. if you have never listened to it, you have to stop what your doing right now and youtube it. love that song. and this was on that tip. but deeper.

very good stuff, as far as the no razzle dazzle of using multis or complex structure, it helped this piece. because it enhanced the smoothness of it. which is hard in a verse like this to have. great read. pz.
__________________
A.bove T.he R.est
Mike Wrecka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-17-2013, 11:48 AM   #13
namix
been that, done there.
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,260
Battle Record: 2-1

Accomplishments
- OM HOF


Rep Power: 85246652
namix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant futurenamix has a brilliant future
Default

good looks fellas - really appreciate it.

just figured i'd do something a little different, in line with what a lot of you just said, deliberately simple... You hit the nail on the head from my perspective Mike, i thought coming off too technical would take away from it in that it was supposed to be just a real natural discussion. I did know that this one would be hit to some, miss to others - though... Just never hurts to mix it up.

And word up, great call on Damien, DMX at his best imo. good shit boys - again, appreciate the looks.
__________________
well fed.
namix is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2016, 05:36 PM   #14
2tripple0
death warmed over
 
2tripple0's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Downstairs illstreet dam
Posts: 2,564
Battle Record: 6-21



Rep Power: 0
2tripple0 2tripple0 2tripple0 2tripple0 2tripple0 2tripple0 2tripple0 2tripple0 2tripple0 2tripple0 2tripple0
Default

This was deffo meant to be inducted in here it felt like the conversation between the three people in your conversation decided they needed to start serving again and again who wants to drop on this page anyone caught hating on anything or anyone just won't be included or whatever I'll backslap your ass like a vendor man please let me not decide how to write your lines you need someone to comb the beach for concepts I call it metal detector the policeman's startled as he tripped over his words you have the right to remain he thought for a second....silent freeze put your hands up hihi p hop police surrounding the casework was thirty miles long on three outdoor furniture she stapled it closed it looked bad like only one of three understood whoa great story about three young felons with nothing to hide be ran back into its swamp damn man protection what is it about taking care of someone into a dramatic perception I liked that about this piece it was very honest like handguns shot by a narrator who controlled these three men he said it was wise he decided that it's outcome for the birth of our baby and cradle ever notice Catholic women have exquisite shapes in their hips and tits and I ain't greatful but i know it's unfair that my writing is always on the stage but ps it's called doctor Phil's introduction of pieces from the hall of fame which made it more intraresting...

Dialogue and performance school for strepth child matters

I would have named your piece that I felt it was the best way of explaining how shit happened and what they completely forgot had happened I know that probably made it easier to mix it up with a whole lotta attachments to that library concerning the list of names it's a thread people are afraid of its in the mix it's called infamous by mobb deep I'm just listening to it now sorry off topic I realize you like to know what I'm thinking of lol I ended up thinking of a infant questioning why you don't jump off a bridge banishment league rules of educationf his id caller wasn't recalculating the price I thought shit what if the sundial was perfect for its occasion you left him feeling complacent it was inside metafore and answering phones please return to your seats and whack lines lime that so water thick but I'm made of blood is its pool drenching enough yet suck dick u weak fag keep bustling ya lines cuz most of it not working I looked underneath the meaning g of its source

I'd love to hear a thousand of you right now that ain't running low on things like fossil fuels best way of saying it triple0 looming for more spotlights or callouts most y'all aint posting enough tell me what you honestly thought of this piece and the people posting in the hof threads I'm unknown to most you need to look up some history this wasnt shit but lay off the philosophical angle it was difficult and mundane imo
__________________
https://soundcloud.com/user-876573949/
https://soundcloud.com/user-634430314/
2tripple0 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 06:39 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2024 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Google+