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Old 09-20-2013, 08:29 PM   #1
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Default Week 1 - Rawn MD vs. Zenland - RAWN MD WINS 6-4

Season 2


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Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

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Good Luck @Rawn MD @Zenland
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Old 09-21-2013, 01:43 AM   #2
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The Last of the Worthy

Bruce and Ken, The Vesuvian Men, hang outside the Peruvian Den
On Hallucinogens, Confused on a binge and losin his skin
Ken screams, 'God damnit Bruce it's doing it again!!'
"You're losin it man,"
Bruce soothed his friend for a moment or two and then
Ken cut loose and ran into the shadow of limbs
That ***kled at him and rattled and spinned
Til it formed a castle of men captured and shackled within
With faces donnin a laughable grin and chattering chins
And a deep, dark black ingot lens that swallowed and flattened him in.
As he fell in the darkness he started passing his friend
Who only spoke braile in the carpet because his eyes were welped and tarnished,
Overwhelmed, he felt disheartened surrounded by hell and carnage,
Artillery shells and carcusses covered the well of heartless,
"Ken, breathe, all right?"
Just then he seas a sea of light dream a beam of flight
To a rock now deemed to teem with life in the perfect position,
Circular suspensions align to supply vertical dimensions,
And plants arrive confined to a fertile existence
That flies by in a merciful sentence,
The he seas the sea of light retrieve and ignite a herbal incense
That causes the rock to swirl and spin winds creating terminal tensions
Til it quakes and slides and breaks and widens
To form lakes and islands that create the horizon
But then...
He awakes in time, and tastes his mind....
'Wait, am I think that I'm'...
Silence echos in violent cappelos in this timeless meadow,
He cries, he's mellow
He's open wide, with dead bolts,
Staring into the eyes of dead folk and the wife he left home
And his childhome sitting shy with headphones and a microphone
Writing a song, 'One day I'll be known',
And with an open mind, he let's go,
Fast forward and he sees his casket and corpse,
He never made it passed his thirties...
He awakes a dying man with open eyes again full of wrath and mercy,
The Last of the Worthy....

Last edited by Zen; 09-21-2013 at 06:34 PM.
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Old 09-27-2013, 08:48 AM   #3
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He wore a new outfit for each grind he picked
His facade was thick, almost as much as the lies hed spin
Each personality entrenched in his skin n pores
Like hed sweat his spittum n his heart pumped flem w force
His lub dub was the bump n run then dump the guns
Powered by a lust for funds he would dust anyone just for fun
A master of disguise, with a weapon wrapped up inside
Couldnt spot him in crowds, muchless whats attached to the thigh
He was a lizard wizard, with a slick talkin reptilian tounge
Cold hearted and gaurded, with congealed blood fillin the hunt
Never giving away to much, marks barely caught his name
His ploy was already over and done, as theyd reconstruct his face
But he was to cunning, just a true nothing from nowhere
With a cold stare that was as easily forgotton as the color of his own hair
There was no pinning him down, moving from cities to towns
Skimming the grounds for a the new lick to be found worth his clout
He was astute and a brute if it was required or desired
And such a wonderful liar that his pants were repellent to fires
Playing the long game and short that dont end up in court
His intentions were to find a juke n befriend them w no apprehension
Rob them beyond mention for their identity and credit
Move on and forget it, and never think of regretting it n leave no evidence
Having the feeling of a chameleon his love was stealin
And possesed brillance that rivaled the diamonds that hed been concealin
Hiding in ceilings was something he wouldnt dream of
Hed clean up or go unshaven for three months for whatever the need was
He kept things nondiscript when he dropped his pitch
Pyramid schemes or clearin his cream was done perfect from props to script
His job was this, until later when he began to date her
She opened his eyes on moments to savor over toast n morning papers
He caught vapors, and right as he went to speak on his past
There was a knock on the glass, the got his heart beating fast
He recognized the face, kept cool and with a parched mouth calmly asked...
'Whos that'... her reply cut him in half... 'only my dad'
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Last edited by Rawn MD; 09-27-2013 at 01:58 PM.
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Old 09-27-2013, 02:24 PM   #4
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Zenland's verse was pitch perfect. The rhyming/schemes were some of the smoothest I've read in a topical/open mic in quite awhile, and some portions of the language were absolutely beautiful and poetic. A great verse, one to be proud of.

Rawn was solid in his mechanics but corny in multiple facets. His entire conceit was corny, as were most of the metaphors or attempts at creativity. Very sterile and dry to me.

I'll remember Zenland's verse, I won't remember Rawns.

v/ Zenland
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Old 09-28-2013, 02:16 AM   #5
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Zen - rattled and "spun", and light dream a beam of flight. These two errors brought me to realize your constant need to rhyme and pack as much rhymes as possible. But this is to a fault, some lines and or words are added simply for rhymes sake. I hate that brosephina. Although I do appreciate the flow, to a certain extent. As far as the story goes I'm a bit torn, you jumped around. Not sure if you were writing from the son who concidently is writing, or the dead father watching who is not dead. Or the friends who one of them was a murderer. Yeah, you jumped quite a bit to me. You explained a acid trip or some sort of trip, but what through me off initially was " bruce and ken....etc etc..lose 'his' skin" huge change in tense there, went from speakin of two characters to one in less than 12 words.


Rawn - the love of his life, the one who gave him a reason to stick around, just happened to be the daughter of final identity theft. Decent verse, a couple hiccups but nothin major. Right about the begining of the 3/4 mark the story began to pick up, but the flow began to weaken as well.


V/rawn

Overall I've seen you each drop verses that blow these two out of the water easily. But with zens verse, I just felt there were too many minor hiccups to overcome.
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Old 09-28-2013, 03:21 AM   #6
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Zenland: I don't know what to make of this. There were a few strong parts, but the rhyming was really, really forced. You made up several words just to rhyme, i.e. "spinned," "welped" and "cappelos" (though "whelped" means "birthed," which didn't make sense in context anyway). Moreover your content was all over the place. Writing about an acid trip is about the lamest, most clichéd thing ever, so if that's all this was, that's a serious cop-out. It's basically a license to write about whatever you want and call it a story. But it's not. And I don't think this was at all either. Parts of it felt almost like you were writing about the Vietnam War, but there were no specific clues or details for me to stake that interpretation on. So I really don't know. This is one of those verses where you can tell the writer has a lot of potential but didn't compose his thoughts well enough.

Rawn MD: Honestly, this verse was pretty weak. You spent 28 lines doing nothing but developing the character, and those 28 lines were redundant and shallow. Then you gave the character half a plot, but cut it short right when it got interesting. Were we supposed to assume the jig's up? I thought the approach to the picture was OK, and if you had spent more time on developing a plot, you could have had a pretty strong verse. Your flow was very smooth, as always, even though you were ridiculously sloppy with your typing. There's really not a lot to say. You won because Zenland was all over the place, but we both know you can do much better.

Vote: Rawn MD
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Old 09-28-2013, 12:38 PM   #7
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Zenland - Rhythmically, this was dope. Topically, I thought it went along those same lines but there wasn't a definitive approach I can say you went with. The story wasn't really cohesive - it was more of a chaotic blur with moments of illustration.

Til it quakes and slides and breaks and widens
To form lakes and islands that create the horizon
^That part was absolutely bananas.

Rawn MD - Lol, this was cool. I liked the spin on the topic. Idenity theft is an interesting interpretation for sure. The verse was okay to me. Your wording in parts definitely needs some work. The rhyming was stellar though, just unorganized in a few instances that really made the difference between winning and losing. Zen topped yours in terms of enjoyment. Concept-wise, I'd say you both were evenly matched.

Vote - Zenland
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Old 09-28-2013, 07:59 PM   #8
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zenland - as i was reading through, i was thinking to myself.. oh boy, i hope the next person rhymed a lot. and he did. so basically, what i'm left with is your story. and i don't get it. at times, i think maybe you meant the character to be dual personality, both Bruce and Ken. but.. i don't see anything to support that. what you did do right, is throw in some really good imagery with some incredible rhymes.

The he seas the sea of light retrieve and ignite a herbal incense
That causes the rock to swirl and spin winds creating terminal tensions
Til it quakes and slides and breaks and widens
To form lakes and islands that create the horizon

i like the offbeat assonance in the first two lines. and as vulgar said, you really did kill it with that horizon bit. i think with some review, you could have patched up the holes in the plot that really would have given you the edge, imo. i just don't understand what "the last of the worthy.." means. still an entertaining read. just not as fulfilling as it could've been. the islands and the scuba gear in the pic fit, though. and the forced words hurt almost as much as the missing character or lack of development on a split personality theme.

/rawn mcd- good read. the "lizard wizard" (lol) got caught by a financial conquest with a romantic one that happened to be the daughter of the former. bad news bear. and then it all came crashing down.. right? hmmm. would've liked some more. but i got from a-b with no hiccups or confusion and knew what was going on. an entertaining read here as well, and my decision would be easier if you had thrown some emotion in. but he was a cold dude so, not doing so just added to character development... idk. you took it with coherence.

nice drops from both.

Last edited by patrown; 09-28-2013 at 08:04 PM.
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Old 09-28-2013, 08:24 PM   #9
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man..

Zenland - I enjoyed reading your verse. Mainly because of the rhymes on top of rhymes in multisyllable format. Its quite entertaining in that alone, but its a double edged sword here. It came off forced in some areas like you were wanting to rhyme above all else. which might work depending on your topic and how you flip it, but I felt this was trying to hard to impress with rhymes rather than capture the reader with a story and pull em in. you feel me? Don't get me wrong here, the rhyming was ridiculous. But the story felt all over the place in a sense. anyhow strong showing.

Rawn - this was good. strong storytelling, which held my attention. technically this wasn't all too much exciting, but it was solid and held its own with a good story and some really really nice imagery.

I got Rawn on this.
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Old 09-29-2013, 06:06 PM   #10
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Mine n zen (I beleive) links r in the voting links thread...not here fyi
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Old 09-29-2013, 10:17 PM   #11
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cool battle. Zen yours was nice, ending was vicious. The flow esp. at the beginning was nasty as fuck. Like somebody above mentioned I thought some of your word choices were suspect like ingot and a few others but overall i enjoyed the read a lot. Vulgar mentioned there could have been a more linear structure or pulse to the piece which I think would have bolstered it quite a bit. Rawn's was dope imo cool storyline and ended cool. I was just listening to an audio about "coincidental" occurences, synchronicity etc. so it resonated well with me. You painted the character well and overall I'd have to say I enjoyed your piece a bit more than Zen's this time around.

V/ rawn
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Old 09-29-2013, 11:48 PM   #12
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Tbh I was kinda disappointed in both verses, I really expected more from such proficient writers. Zen I enjoyed your flow a ton but I felt you focused way too much on the rhymes an flow an neglected the actual story an keeping it relevant with itself with the character tenses an changes.
Rawn yours was okay but the story was kinda...blah tbh. Flow was good but rhymes were simple an kinda unoriginal really.
I gotta vote for zenland on this because between two uninspiring verses his was more sound technique wise
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Old 09-30-2013, 12:25 AM   #13
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Zenland
Fast fowarded scene told under a minute. Adrenaline rushed verse. The flow was off the meters. Verse was up and runninv on all clinders from the jump
Showed philosophy, comedy, in a few line span. Not many can sprint with you,

Rawn MD
Reply cut him in half" almost warranted you the victory. The metaphor would've been ill jf only you wouldve tackled the triggering issuez . A lack of connection was there - youcut yourself in half - by not sewing the fleshy details. This was too helicopter heist in inhavana for me.

Cool battle
V/zena
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Old 09-30-2013, 12:30 AM   #14
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zenland - i'm looking at your work as part of a series. it felt jagged and maybe even incomplete as it stands. i think it works, as what youre trying to describe is not a smooth type of experience and you have characterized it not only with what youre writing but how youve written it. you sent me a PM claiming that it seems that nobody is understanding the work but i have not been able to unearth a deeper structure than an enlightening hallucinogenic experience. life flashing before your eyes. to witness the planet created. it all seemed a tad cliche.

the picture crossed with your interpretation on it screams "out of body experience". i have a feeling this is the concept you ran with.

i was not a fan of the rhymes you chose to use in some spots. flattened him in, beam of flight, sea of light repetition started to cramp up very quickly. it turned me off to the piece in places because of this.

rawn - i too enjoyed the id theft as an interpretation for the pic. its truly something i would not have thought of myself and i can appreciate that. i think your execution in terms of rhyme and rhythmics was acceptable but not stellar. the ending with the father was also something i did not see coming and added a sense of re-readability to the verse. apologizing for the brief breakthrough but i am pressured for time.

i will be voting for rawn md.


thanks guys.
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