***PINK SLIP BATTLE (topical)*** fresh vs. Diode - DIODE WINS 5-2

[fresh]

@Diode

Topic:



40 line max

[Diode]

chalk it up to experience

he was a young boy.. only seven, but gifted
well beyond his years in both his fears and afflictions
mom worked as a waitress while his daddy's face formed shapeless
abandoned before birth, father serviced as a statement
to the hatred he held in, buried in his brainy basement
but the family forms a bond despite his dad's displacement
so fate went..

and time marched ever forward as our protagonist grew
skipped grades ahead of peers as the passionate do
a graduate soon, the young man put his thoughts into view
painting pictures with elixirs that helped him imbue
the colors of his rage from his mind onto the page
his teachers called him brilliant as he quickly came of age
glibly, he engaged.. you see, this hobby was private
anonymous artist from the start, his work was meant to be silent
a bitter boy remained inside without an interest in guidance
and so his muse's meanings took a turn for the violent

first there was the ceiling mural, then gymnasium wall
followed that with feelings plural in the atrium hall
paintings once performed with the merriment of monet
obtained a ruddy hue hinting at his mental decay
staff insisted on assisting with this troubling turn
and put the bothered boy into a program to address their concerns

there they leave him for a decade, maybe more or maybe less
either way the now grown man finds himself free to be assessed
upon approval he's released upon an unfamiliar world
knowing nothing but his artwork (which is all that he prefers)
he finds an empty parking lot as a canvas for his domain
and removes a satchel of the chalks he smuggled on the plane
he goes to work, so vivid now, explains away his pain
himself posed as a supercar, potential unrestrained
then suddenly the cracks emerged and wipe away the matter

the old man, a commuter car, falls down and leaves him shattered

[Certain]

Action = Reaction

Jamie had the world in the palm of her hands
A cordial individual who seemed to follow the laws of the land
University degree with a basketball scholarship
But she has never actually known what the worth of a dollar is
Pleasantries were inadvertently retraced with greed
Though they did remain, it became a façade as she wandered aimlessly
Through the rest of her life with the fakest of smiles inlaid
So thirsty for attention that she could spot a rapist from miles away
So one day Jamie had an urge that she couldn’t resist
People soaked her story up like a towel, so she gave it a twist
When it all leaked out there was no cleaning the spill
The way she portrayed the man would end up getting him killed

Johnny was born into a family of raggedy vagabonds
Orphaned at the age of three and this is how Johnny’s saga spawned
Beaten and tormented until one day he finally snapped
He was old enough to think, so he snuck out and he never came back
Fifteen years old and he was already addicted to drugs
Couldn’t hold a job and so he was perpetually conflicted with thugs
He saved up enough money and he purchased a gun
The .38 gave him a sense of power but he was still worthless and spun
Johnny found the courage to rob the local liquor store
Eyes sullen yet empty; Johnny didn’t have a fuck left to give no more
He pointed the gun at the clerk and cut straight to the chase
She finished emptying the register; he smiled and shot her right in the face

Johnny stole the dead clerks keys with nothing for a plan
Clicking the buttons repeatedly, he finally found her two-door sedan
He raced down the highway maintaining top speeds,
and floated through intersections like leaves in a strong breeze
Off in the distance approaching from the opposite direction
a yellow Ferrari was careening rampantly invoking an unseen inception
Jamie and Johnny saw eye-to-eye before the big collision
Under different circumstances they could have made that split decision
Johnny was truly dead inside and Jamie was hysterical
Had their life cascaded differently, there could have been a miracle
But now Johnny was fucking dead outside and in
And Jamie would never have the opportunity to be hysterical again

That night a brilliant new star would be born
As the bodies were carried away to be taken to the morgue
So remember the series of events that can happen
For every single action there is an opposite and equal reaction

[fresh]

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=21919
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=55460

[Bender]

First of all I am not really big into topicals so I thought this would be difficult for me to judge. I really enjoyed both verses though and it is sad that this is a pink slip battle because we will be losing some talent here.

Diode- I enjoyed your verse, some smooth flowing and interesting reading, I kind of had a hard time following where the story was going though , if I am not mistaken it was a story about a boy who liked to draw and then he was institutionalized possibly in a mental facility and was released when he was an old man and upon his new freedom was drawing a chalk mural when he got crushed by a cable car that came unrailed. It just seems like there are so many elements to this almost too much to be covered in a short verse, and it did end pretty abrubtly.

Fresh- I enjoyed the verse, at first I wasn't sure where you were going with it but it was very easy to read and alot of imagery in the verse. The way you told the 2 different stories and how they came together was really cool. I liked how short it was and how much it seemed to really come together in the end. It was a solid piece.

Vote-Fresh for a more solid verse, easier read that was more enjoyable for me.

Wow, this was actually a pretty cool battle. Didn't expect it too be as nice as it was, tbh.
@Diode: Your piece was nice. I liked the approach you took. All thou I feel it was rather a little complicated in areas. My favorite sections of the piece was the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs. Those provided the best visuals. I liked how you pieced your words together too to flow nicely as well. I think you took a decent approach however I feel you kind of steered away from the picture but at the same time you stepped outside the box which was nice. The thing I didn't like about your verse was towards the end. Okay, great story line of a kid growing up with issues, he gets released and your piece just kind of ends. I think you focused a little too much on the childhood story piece rather then shifting from different ages, to assist you with closing the piece out. Overall, solid piece - Props.
@fresh: Definitely nice piece. I enjoyed the angle/approach you took as well. At 1st I'm like wtf is this guy talking about but as I got further in to the piece it all started to make sense and had an awesome ending, tbh. I liked how you had 2 different story lines which from my perspective I felt you used the picture to your advantage as well as stepped outside the box here. Awesome drop, dude. I really enjoyed your piece, I mean the imagery was dope... I think you could have used better choice of words at times but still a nice drop. I enjoyed how you took 2 stories and collided them together for the closer.

Overall: This was a nice battle, I enjoyed both pieces but would have too say, IMO - I think @fresh took this with a much cleaner piece here. Both definitely have talent and need to keep writing. I'd like to see more stuff from the both of you. And I agree with @Bender, it's unfortunate that it is a pinkslip. SMH

v/Fresh

EDIT: Admins/Super Mods/Mods - DQ this vote. As @Diode feels it's biased. Thank you.

[big baby]

Jesus @ the tags. I'm not a topical person, but I do know high level topical when I read it. This is sort of like the Winter Topical final that is being done now. But, not to be offensive, those writers are a bit higher tier than what is shown here. Atleast from one of the verses. I finally understand what people mean by diodes writing (which I never really liked). And for the first time in a while, I read both of the votes to fully digest what they saw and what I saw. And it's unfortunate really. Both of these verses are good. Freshs verse is easier to digest and is akin to (lars) in the final now. Not comparing him to lars, but just doing a comparative gesture between two different battles and styles employed by all four and how they're relative to one unique opponent to the other. Fresh employed a simple story, outright and straight at you. The mechanics werent as bad as I thought they would be (I read something from fresh and didn't really like it, and thought it could be touched upon) In no way is he a bad writer. This verse was nice, and it had a perpetual feeling to it. Never did I sway off and not understand or fully grasp a notion of a particular line. Everything fit together pretty compact and it was delivered quite well. My onlynick at this, is the mechanics in it overall - Though I did say they were above what I thought you were capable of, I still saw a few flaws in wording. I also saw this in some of diodes as well, though I shouldnt be talking as some of my lines are usually longer and shorter, and I can take into count accent and enunciation - I think diodes was much smoother by reading it. It wasnt landslide as fresh really expressed rhythmic value here and came with the goods. The underlined theme was okay and the connection to the picture was cool, it was almost too cool. What I mean by that was that, there was no real creative outburst or imagery, aside from the fact of the story itself, the correlation between picture and writing was far-fetched and sorry to say - almost mediocre. The link between mechanics was indeed well done. Diodes I read 3 times. Basically because it had more to understand, I think. The correlation was very well done, and the whole mural about chalk and a over achieving, maniacal misunderstood young man is just awesome as the picture is indeed in chalk. The ending wasn't abrupt, and I thought it was absolutely stellar. the first time I read something of diodes and actually grasped a full verse. And its so subtle how each paragraph is almost a chronological fast forward into the young mans life, from praised to corrupt to damaged - it was very tightly wound and absolutely leaves a lot to the reader, well not a lot - but the ending can be interpreted in so many ways, but its special in the way that it isnt complicated. Similar to dead mans verse, his complications dont stem from an intricate story but how he compiles the story through mechanics as well. Which is a good comparison. Freshs story is more like lars where he's telling you a story as hes imagining without subtle metaphors and imagery. Except in this department @Lars delivers a top tier image where as fresh here delivered a mid tier - not to say it was bad, it was very good and it was impressive. But Diodes story and overall pitch was just better to me. A good battle, but a clear winner. Good luck gentlemen. Thanks for the read.

[Diode]

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=56475
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?p=292067#post292067

[PancakeBrah]

Diode -

I'll be honest, my preconception of your strong record in the AOWL is that of someone who got over. Maybe that's just me not emphasizing your verses in my memory due to your style not being my type. I don't think I've ever voted against you. Maybe I have. But anyways, you had some serious nuance here. And that's what separates a textcee from a writer, in my mind. You built a character, which is my favorite thing, subtly. And your rhymes were a bit more intricate than my preconceptions usually give you credit for. It's not the technical-route I would have gone (I love complex rhymes and schemes) but your approach was top tier. I think your restraint in terms of rhyming is on purpose; you avoid overloading on technical ability and instead focus on wording. Your wording inbetween rhymes, a weak point of mine, is very strong and carries the heart of your verse. I also liked your topic, it acted as an ironic 'twist', the opposite of what the reader expected.

Fresh -

"People soaked her story up like a towel, so she gave it a twist"

That is a fucking awesome line.

If you had kept up the pace and rhythm you set in the first two sections throughout the piece you would have won. You obviously know what you're doing. Your overall approach wasn't even close in terms of nuance to Diodes. But your wording (which was very strong) made me flip flop on my decision. I think if you had approached this topic better, conceptually, you could have ran away with this. You had highlights.

I honestly hope Diode offers Fresh the same reprieve Fresh offered him in DLB's sway topic; a signature and avy line adjustment saying he's Diode's "bitch" or whatever. I think Diode won but I want to read more from Fresh because he's honestly a talented writer. Very interesting read from both.

v/Diode

[Just Write]

he was a young boy.. only seven, but gifted
well beyond his years in both his fears and afflictions
mom worked as a waitress while his daddy's face formed shapeless
abandoned before birth, father serviced as a statement
to the hatred he held in, buried in his brainy basement
but the family forms a bond despite his dad's displacement
so fate went..

i really enjoyed your opening segment except for the word "brainy", it felt childish and out of place. i think you could have definitely worded that better.



upon approval he's released upon an unfamiliar world
knowing nothing but his artwork (which is all that he prefers)


I really liked these lines



overall i enjoyed your piece minus a few nitpicky things but i realize this wasnt a awol verse so it doesnt matter as much. i enjoyed the take on the topic as well. peace


Through the rest of her life with the fakest of smiles inlaid
So thirsty for attention that she could spot a rapist from miles away
So one day Jamie had an urge that she couldn’t resist
People soaked her story up like a towel, so she gave it a twist
When it all leaked out there was no cleaning the spill
The way she portrayed the man would end up getting him killed

I enjoyed this bit, probably the smoothest portion of the verse


a yellow Ferrari was careening rampantly invoking an unseen inception

[/B]I reallly hated this line, just too much going on and it just stuck out compared to the rest of the piece.[/B]


overall this was an alright battle, nothing spectacular about it but the hype is really exciting i have to admit. ok so i think diode had a better take on the topic where as fresh has some nice imagery. technical wise i think diode edged this one out and his schemes were a little tighter where as fresh's felt a little more off sync. i will admit fresh surprised me though and i think will be a good addition to the awol league but in this battle i'm going to have to go with diode for an overall better piece

mvgt=Diode

[Lars]

Diode - The thing I always liked about your writing is your natural pacing and rhyme placement, it's really understated and a lot of writers try to fit in too much almost and their pieces end up becoming convuluted with too many multies or excessives that can be trimmed down. It reads so much easier when done like this, and you do it well, but people tend to look past how well it is done because of it coming off almost effortlessly. Some people might think that's a fault on your part, but I've done this long enough to see that as a big strength, you don't need to overcomplicate the idea or what you're trying to say - you're a straight shooter in that sense, you do what needs to be done without obsessing over the trivial things. I think you opened strongly, loved this first couplet to the second section:

and time marched ever forward as our protagonist grew
skipped grades ahead of peers as the passionate do

It seemed more punchline-esque than I'm used to reading from you, but it was a nice touch all the same, I didn't know you had that to your game.

I liked this too, mainly because I love running with what i call a 'dual-scheme' throughout my verses. From a technical aspect, this was dope to me, and I know how difficult this is to do well:

first there was the ceiling mural, then gymnasium wall
followed that with feelings plural in the atrium hall

Nice word choices also, kept my intrigue throughout. I agree with Trademark in so much as the second and third stanzas "painting" the visuals and making them stand out as my favourites, but you closed it out well too, good take to the topic.


Fresh: I don't think i've read much from you but I really liked what you did here, there's a lot to enjoy for a lot of the same reasons as I stated with diode's piece in the effect of you keeping it straightforward, an easy read, not so much technically but just a sound read that is easy to follow for the reader and enjoyable because of it. Again, this line stood out mainly because it was more punchline based to me than i'm used to seeing in a topical battle, but it stood out for the right reasons -

People soaked her story up like a towel, so she gave it a twist

It's dope, it was just unusual to see two topical heads have battle-type lines in their pieces haha! I liked the storyline more and more as it progressed but you almost lost me at the end with you ending it on some moral, it reminded me of Tales From The Crypt when you would watch the entire thing then he would have some terrible quip at the end to make. Maybe it's just me? I liked what you did with the entirity of the verse leading up to that, but ultimately I didn't like the way you ended things. It needed more subtlely, more open-endedness maybe? I don't know, you were both pretty evenly matched beside that, both with similar strengths to your game, it was just the execution and that's where I felt Diode got this.


Vote - Diode

[Certain]

Diode: This was a weird time to drop what might be the best verse I've read from you, though I think part of that comes from you having shook off quite a bit of rust in the past couple months. And this was the best verse I've ever read from you, if we're talking about the quality of the writing in a vacuum. Your character was well-developed, though you perhaps leaned too often on cliché artist descriptors. And your flow was on point. Did you know you don't often rhyme more than one syllable at a time? Did you know you're allowed to use more?! (Yes, it has to be said.) Where the story falls flat is in its relation to the topic. By writing about the artist rather than the art, you essentially ignored the content of the art until the very last line. Had you done a better job of explaining the boy's love of cars or his father's work as a mechanic or something like that, this would have all felt much more full-circle. Instead, much of this verse reads like it could have worked with just about any street-art topic. So that was disappointing, but it was forgiveable in the grand sense because there was no doubt that the verse connected with the topic, just not as directly as I thought you could have gone.

fresh: You have a stumbling block with phrasing, particularly misusing words. For example, "cordial" doesn't often describe a person as much as a situation, "conflicted" usually describes an internal battle and "rampantly invoking" just isn't a phrase that makes sense in general. Those instances and a handful of others made me stop reading to figure out what you meant. That becomes an especially big problem when your storytelling is as straightforward as this was. But the story itself wasn't so bad. I liked the dark twist of justice directed at Jamie much more than that of Johnny. The moral was laid on a bit heavy-handedly at the end, but I think it was necessary because your story thrived in exposition from the get-go. Had you engaged the reader with more dramatics and personality, you could have ended it with the crash and left a big impression. But the plain and sloppy writing is what ultimately served as your undoing here, despite a rather nice take on the topic.

Vote: Diode

[fresh]

there was supposed to be a comma after rampantly. cordial definitely can be used to describe a person. conflicted is weird ill give u that one. the rest is nitpicking tho. Close this you dickriding faggots. peace.

[Ghost1]

Bahaha u wack favgot. Sayonara.



"Is this my first ethering?"

[Just Write]

V/bags