When All is Blank

[oats]

perhaps it was too cold for her to mingle through the nudges
hands on her shoulder when I told her the most singular of cusses

"Don't take this the wrong way, but..."

my voice fell, silence lingering above it

"...I love you."

the last 3 words resounded softly, ringing like a suffix
psychosomatic flashes had her brimming in the numbness
words simple as a blush could lift her like the strings above a puppet
she was peaking as she squeezed me, feelings inches from the summit
while every tear of hers felt like syringes to my stomach...

addiction was the trust in which I founded the forgery
her curves - how they tortured me! moans the sound of her sorcery
every idiosyncrasy her lips would bow to explore of me
led to laden lies I'd pray at night, endowed in her porous sheen

"promise you'll never leave..."

I promised - and it was honest - like every yearning she said to me
cuz truth only reciprocates upon the burden to set it free
but it's a thin line, so I obliged to spurn the discrepancy
that if my life was a stage...I always thought of her as the mezzanine...

...but that's as sure as I'll ever be, see I've stumbled through what trust is
that hurdle is menacing when you've sunk into your crutches
a past of punches, bruises, cuts - if you're not able to follow
then here's a table to model the old "tomato" "to-motto"
cuz who's to say there's a difference between "comfortable" and "loveless?"

feeling young and used erupted in emotional learning speed
cuz everyone's entitled to their own insecurities
I'm not talkin bout the ones that we disclose as a courtesy
I mean the threat of rejection pressed into your throat till it burns to breathe

as a token of urgency I tried to let emotions run free -
an awkward smile as I grabbed her hand and stuttered to one knee.
under the mistletoe of power lines buzzing above me
I abandoned my search for love...and settled for the one who could love me

we let our tongues interrupt; kisses to answer the static
her closed eyes against my blank stare - the romance of detachment
frantic, erratic, Cupid misfired with the aiming of a musket
and all that was left was "love..." dangling like a suffix

[2XL]

good piece here. I like the concept. Usually hear it told in the reverse roles.

diction was the trust in which I founded the forgery
her curves - how they tortured me! moans the sound of her sorcery
every idiosyncrasy her lips would bow to explore of me
led to laden lies I'd pray at night, endowed in her porous sheen

"promise you'll never leave..."

I promised - and it was honest - like every yearning she said to me
cuz truth only reciprocates upon the burden to set it free
but it's a thin line, so I obliged to spurn the discrepancy
that if my life was a stage...I always thought of her as the mezzanine...

really liked these two parts. Felt they displayed the most emotion and the stage mezzanine line painted a great picture.

she was peaking as she squeezed me, feelings inches from the summit
while every tear of hers felt like syringes to my stomach...

first line was great second part felt like it didnt come across right. It is supposed to represent pain or like just annoying little uneasiness in your gut feeling. Plus a syringe is just the actual tube not the needle.

plus thismisfired with the aiming of a musket
Just feels worded wrongly and doesnt fit. The end overall was satisfying though

under the mistletoe of power lines buzzing above me
I abandoned my search for love...and settled for the one who could love me
loved it. Strong statement which sums up the tone

It seemed like it was written quick but it was focused and easy to follow with some good imagery. Good shit

[dull boy]

This was really good.

[big baby]

nice feed dull boy really insightful wow
it seems to me that you focused more on a context of writing rather than the flashes of a hybrid like writing focused primarily on syllable count - which is good.

lots of writers focus on what words will fit perfectly while obliging to their rhyme set ups, when it should be the other way around. although difficult, the process will become much easier when writing in the future and churn out better concepts and imagery - but nobody wants to spend time to get better 'cause theyve done well so far' which is why u get shit stagnancy from just a handful of writers, thousands. cuz, ego.

anyway! i liked this, it wasnt as structured as your others so to say, but its structural integrity lays in the grit of imagery and the words used. gj lil oatsie

[Wise Wiggles]

The to-motto, own insecurities & romance of detachment lines were good!

[Vulgar]

It was good in a quiet way, like you wrote this piece to record a landmark emotional feeling. My instincts tell me this was about your proposal in Brazil. In the beginning, you had your vintage spoken word flow that'd appeal to a crowd. You used sufficient examples and even disclosed some of your vulnerabilities in the game of love with the romantic detachment line. I've never been in love personally so I've nothing significantly valuable to offer in the way of improving this. Writing-wise, it was tightly executed. Memorable? Somewhat.

Keep doing you

[NYCSPITZ]

A bit saccharine, a bit cloying, a bit nauseating.

lol jk cool shit brrah liked the ending

almost hof

[oats]

Originally Posted by Agathocles the GOOD

A bit saccharine, a bit cloying, a bit nauseating.

lol jk cool shit brrah liked the ending

almost hof

Yo I got a blog post in the chamber following that consciousness/kaku discussion we had a while ago. I'll keep you posted.

[NYCSPITZ]

Originally Posted by oats

Yo I got a blog post in the chamber following that consciousness/kaku discussion we had a while ago. I'll keep you posted.

let me see.

LET ME SEE LET ME SEEEEEEEEE #usher

[oats]

Will do, once I write it. Still traveling.

[Eŋg]

this was excellent.

[dead man]

her curves - how they tortured me! moans the sound of her sorcery

cuz truth only reciprocates upon the burden to set it free

then here's a table to model the old "tomato" "to-motto"

feeling young and used erupted in emotional learning speed
cuz everyone's entitled to their own insecurities

her closed eyes against my blank stare - the romance of detachment
frantic, erratic, Cupid misfired with the aiming of a musket

what i've chosen to do is simply outline the most jarring and impactful thoughts or ideas in the verse. i think big baby makes a great point in the comfort of the rhyme. its sort of our blueprint and the formula gets easier to fall into. the segments I've quoted above are the points at which you forged out nuggets of wisdom or powerful statements regardless of the rhyme you chose to employ. i think one of your best qualities as a writer (blog, verse, anything) is to translate your experiences and perspectives into an accessible voice. you articulate well in the written word, you're a born communicator. some are and some are not.

you employ really intentional characteristics to your verses like overarching themes and stanza structure that more or less follows your rhyme-scheming. it is a pro and a con. the former because it gives us a comfortable sense of organization and reliability as a reader. its like walking into a mcdonalds in any state - we may order something different, the crowd and the employees and the accents will be new, but we're entering expecting a certain level of familiarity. the latter is true because this is not always what you want to establish for yourself as a writer of any kind. there is a certain brilliance and reception to novelty that draws people inwards. I'm not calling you the mcdonalds of OM by any means - youve evolved and developed your stylistic intuitions a LOT since we've been acquainted. you are a novel creature like any of us. all i mean to express is the fine line between comfort and stagnation. if i may borrow the term from da bb.

the final stanza left me feeling a bit sketchy about the entire verse because of your language choice. 'detachment' and 'misfire' to be exact.

their negative connotation seems to contradict the rest of your sentiments and almost makes me reconsider your thoughts on popping the question. interested to hear you expound on that a bit.

congratulations again btw man. i know i was clowning in that other verse but word. shit is scary and it definitely takes cojones to make that commitment.

thanks, and stay up



1

[oats]

Appreciate the feed, gents. And this wasn't about my proposal lol, written well before I thought to propose. I owe you guys some good feed, coming no later than tomorrow.

[Dragon]

This had a nice poetic feel to it, I like your multi-syllabic rhymes and how they didn't seem forced at any point. Metaphors were cool, I like the repeating of the simile 'suffix' thought that was nice repetition. Overall, this was a nice read. hope to read more from you.

[gitto138]

Nice poetic scheme, ive alot to learn, but flow is good bro