08-13-2018, 12:52 AM | #1 |
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amplify
O
Greenskeeper, settling calmly. cross-legged nestled in thought black linen sorcerer manipulating metal in frost- bitten temperatures, exhausted by the regular stories Elmwood blanketed moss, wasp-ridden stretching and yawning foggy morning. insect humming click surrender your army choose your weapon carefully and let it absolve whatever treasure we found beneath our burial grounds load 6 rounds cause half the fight is spinning barrels around roll my lady a smoke. broke my barriers down soft cement and bedrock and a theory of how it came to be.. this. whatever label we stick to CTA windows to create a distinction emergency the exit sign we faded to mist loved to hear ourselves rebel and hated to listen sacred scriptures. ashes to ashes, paper we printed Aramaic attitudes and Latin declensions Laramie / Divison i was waiting to witness a miracle in denim jacket passing me by pass me an interest. grant me a minute tell me a lie. how quickly was your passion resigned amplify, appetizers made of capital interest cancer like a game of tag, who catches it quickest cease and desist. breathe - in rhythm - slowly, sink into bliss then maybe you could tell me what i missed. EDIT: thanks
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Zack Wicks for president Last edited by dead man; 08-13-2018 at 12:57 AM. |
08-13-2018, 03:18 AM | #2 |
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I recall you using 'cease and desist' in another piece not too long ago.
Not a big deal I suppose. This piece is probably good, but over my head. Not really getting the meanings. But I did google Aramaic attitudes and Latin declensions. black linen sorcerer manipulating metal in frost- bitten temperatures insect humming click surrender your army to CTA windows Laramie / Divison amplify, appetizers made of capital interest appetizers made of capital interest? what? finances? The rhyming is pretty good, per usual, especially in the 2nd half. EDIT I'm sorry I'm not a better reader for you dead man. I am smart though; so maybe you just write weird stuff. Like, I say to myself, what could this black linen sorcerer manipulating metal in frost- bitten temperatures possibly mean. I don't know, a blacksmith out in the cold? wearing black linen? Last edited by Pharaohs Army; 08-13-2018 at 03:34 AM. |
08-13-2018, 11:17 AM | #3 |
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08-13-2018, 12:07 PM | #4 |
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pharaohs so fucking stoopid
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08-13-2018, 11:18 PM | #5 |
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Ehh this was aiight... best line was the line Pan quoted. I dig the style of writing just thought the lines could've been executed better to get the point across.. By all means keep it abstract, just make em hit.. shit ain't smack me in the face. I peeped some promising work from you before. This a throw away compared to that.
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08-14-2018, 07:33 AM | #6 |
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This was a riveting piece of poetry. The rhythm and scheme was nicely intact. The imagery was set into place. The metaphors were there as-well. Nothing seemed too out of place. I enjoyed this quite a bit. Good vocabulary and language. Nice, keep writing.
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08-14-2018, 07:37 AM | #7 |
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Remember our topical battle. It will be quite good.
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08-14-2018, 09:39 AM | #8 |
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Zack Wicks for president |
08-14-2018, 07:06 PM | #9 |
rhyme capsule.
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choose your weapon carefully and let it absolve
whatever treasure we found beneath our burial grounds load 6 rounds cause half the fight is spinning barrels around roll my lady a smoke. broke my barriers down soft cement and bedrock and a theory of how it came to be.. this. whatever label we stick to CTA windows to create a distinction emergency the exit sign we faded to mist loved to hear ourselves rebel and hated to listen sacred scriptures. ashes to ashes, paper we printed Aramaic attitudes and Latin declensions too solid. fucked with the closer, also. |
08-16-2018, 02:59 PM | #10 | |
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loved to hear ourselves rebel and hated to listen
Sounds like adolescence. solid as always. This did seem less solid than usual. Are you changing?
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08-27-2018, 01:37 PM | #11 | ||||||||
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OAN Your stream of consciousness and transitional wordplay is pretty cool here. Quote:
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All in all, not my favorite piece from you. I often have to grasp at straws when deciphering a lot of your work, but this joint completely lost me. You're like the Banksy of open mic writing tho. Even when I have no clue what you're talking about I still enjoy the art within your illustrations. Peace.
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08-27-2018, 10:42 PM | #12 |
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Zack Wicks for president |
08-28-2018, 03:21 AM | #13 |
............
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You really do have a amazin' way of describin' things thru a rhyme man...I'll be back to drop some feed later yeah.
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