WK6: Defiant (3-1) vs Dominate (2-0) -- Dominate 7-0

King Ra. · 11-04-2014, 05:31 AM

AOWL Season IV, Week 6

OFFICIAL RULES:
Verses are due Friday, November 7th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 16 lines.

Votes are due Sunday, November 9th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

TOPIC:

The War or the Battle

Good luck, @Dominate and @Defiant.

Dominate · 11-07-2014, 09:46 AM

Blood stained the arena’s floor. Cato’s tunic was soaked with sweat.
He was tired. Exhausted. His sword moving slower and slower yet.
His opponent stepped, red plumed helm framing a contemptuous sneer.
The spectators’ deafening cheer was punctuated with heckles and jeers.
He circled his foe. Searching for weakness, observing his pose.
The soldier sprang! Metal rang as scythe met sword, turning the blows.
Woodchips flew from Cato’s shield as he parried each vicious cut.
Sidestep. Spin and thrust. Peddle back... He wasn’t quick enough.
He staggered. Weapon dropped, his body followed a moment later.
“Finish him!” the crowd roared. “Make an end to this loathsome traitor!”
Blade pressed to Cato’s throat, his oppressor awaited a final command.
The centurion cleared his throat, and bellowed from high in the stands:
“Let this be a lesson, men. Fight in the field with your brothers beside you
Or pay the price for desertion and fight in the ring while others deride you!”
With a thumbs down, it was done now. Death raced down in a savage swish.
Cato reflected on his choice. Maybe the war wouldn't have been as bad as this.

Defiant · 11-08-2014, 05:32 AM

Last battle in a civil war that's ripped through my beloved nation
the elation after absolute anguish, the war that started long before my creation
the war that killed my father, the war that had cousins fighting cousins
the war that ripped through my family with casualties by the dozens
this is my bed of roses, as the door of this anarchy closes
a peaceful conclusion to our future, is what our leader proposes
the man I have laid my life for since birth, this man is like a new father
this disjointed existence is all ive known, so how could i know what I'd rather
'You don't know what it means to win' the abstract feeling that would overwhelm
the chance to kill this bastard and become lord protector of the realm
no impasse, no army of soldiers blocking my path
no hindrance for my triumph, there's no one knocking my wrath
my sword pierces his skin, hit every vital organ at the core
thinking 'the only thing better than the battle is being the one who won the war'

Mr. J · 11-08-2014, 02:38 PM

This is a great topic...

Dominate, the more I read your work the more I see the dedication to your verses
the way you start off the verse shows the way you can paint a picture
a very well painted picture in fact, you spend no time dilly dallying with mechanics
you seem ready for this verse and put down a very interesting tale, flow was smooth
and towards the end you kind of remind me of me...nice work

Defiant, I feel like you knew what you were aiming for as far as the verse goes
in fact who wouldn't? you portray a very well written story thats very adaptable
it focus' on the many things people are used to, but isn't to be looked over
it flows smoothly as well with the way the structure comes about, nice work

v/I really enjoyed both verses and felt like this topic was great
I think both of you really touched on this and it gave me good vibes
but then after reading through it once again, I realized my vote is done in vain
not meeting the deadline as planned or showing any...change as far as you two go
maybe it's because Defiant is in a different timezone..but I feel like...
I have to give this to Dominate by default...nice battle fella's
regardless of how I did the vote I still feel Dom edged it over on his opponent
so don't feel your late appearance has faultered you...it just makes my vote feel less illustrious now
nice battle fella's

zygote · 11-09-2014, 01:12 AM

Both have similar themes. This might seem picky but it's hard to separate the two and Dominate's use of "He" + "His" and third person felt better to read than Defiant's use of "This" + "The" and first person. Also, Dominate's setting was better defined by the descriptions, the Roman era stuff would have been obvious even without the last part, just the use of words like Tunic etc was good enough. Defiant's seemed medieval, it could have been early medieval with no swords, but it could have also been like gunpowder Napoleonic with swords too. It was a little ambiguous - which is not necessarily a problem, but it didn't compare well against Dominate's which had such a clear setting. Also, splitting hairs again, but the grammar and stuff from Dominate's makes it a little easier to read. Voting for Dominate.

Witty · 11-09-2014, 05:05 PM

Dominate - This is the second week in a row you've written what I believe to be the verse of the week, loved the story telling, the rhyming was as smooth as silk (or something less cliche) and your narrative was very impressive for such a short verse, to be able to fit a beginning, middle, and end in to such few lines is very difficult to master and you pulled it off, your language is very natural and opens your verse up to the reader, flowed perfectly, nothing confusing and nothing that upset the rhythm of the piece, I could tell you really took time to make sure everything was just right, dope shit dude.

Defiant - This was well written, you had some very vivid imagery and your use of emotional language was well received. I would have liked a little more background in the piece, a bit more of a narrative, but I realize that is very difficult to achieve in such a short piece (I struggled with it too) so I can't mark you down too much for that, your flow wasn't as good and as smooth as Dom's and your rhyming a little more basic, but I followed the piece well, I knew what was happening, I just wish I had more information as to why and where...good job tho man, short verses aren't gonna work for everyone.

Vote Dominate.

timeless · 11-09-2014, 06:16 PM

Enjoyed the ending to Dom's verse. Felt the verse couldve used more detail within your story, more of a backdrop to the plot than the attention to the scene details you did do. Not a bad verse, flowed smooth. Vocab and multis couldve been better. Like Dom, defiant came with the same qualm I previously mentioned. Both verses were very similiar, eerily in fact. Def used better vocab, but none captured my eye. Have got to give it to Dom for the more natural read, and approach to the topic.

V. Dom

UnbornBuddha · 11-10-2014, 01:04 AM

This was one of my favorite takes of the week. If not my favorite.
I will keep it short though, seeing that my body needs to sleep.

Both wrote similar takes.
Dominate: I have no criticism I enjoyed the way you constructed it. And I also enjoyed the very small nuances of the way you structured everything. That was particularly enjoyable.

Defiant: Although I liked your verse, there was still this awkwardness to it. Some transitions from line to line felt a bit off. Now I liked your verse, however I couldn't find anything in Dom I was not fond of. However, in yours there were tidbits that were particularly disengaging. Also Dom had the stronger mechanics.

Anyways: vote Dominate

Thank you gentlemen very much.

kannon · 11-10-2014, 01:10 AM

THE WAR OR THE BATTLE

Dominate. I really liked this. The story built as it went, and really rounded itself out with a great closing line. I'm not sure if I wanted more out of the moment Cato was brought to his knees, but at the least, the line "he wasn't quick enough" was enough to let us know where we were going. Otherwise, this was great. I really liked the development, and the pace of it all. Mechanics were also on point, flow was dope, schemes were cool, nothing forced. Well written overall.

Defiant. Cool little piece. One thing though, haha. I'm hesitant to accept that this guy is calling his leader his "new father" and then immediately killing him. Part of what you described caused him so much anguish was the deaths of his family members. That would lead me to believe that he doesnt take his loyalties lightly when it comes to naming someone his new patriarch. He bounced from showing his allegiance, to demanding hierarchy with almost no cause other than "it would be nice to rule." Other than that one snag for me, this was good. Well written, flow was pretty solid, and the closer was dope.

Fairly close here, but I think Dominate has my favorite piece of the week so far. And unfortunately, with Defiant's one snag, it gave the leverage in the other direction.

Vote is for Dominate.

e11even · 11-10-2014, 01:41 AM

Dominate- I liked this piece. It was pretty descriptive and I felt like I was watching a movie.
I just don't get why the protagonist had an epiphany after his beheading though. Tight drop for the bars alotted. Nice work.

Defiant- if this was about a soldier that killed his leader to take credit for ending the war, this badass. If not, its still good. I just think the story could've used a little less buildup and a more thorough ending, rather the conclusion crammed into the last two lines. Still was enjoyable though.

MVGT dom for a better written epic take on the topic.

11-04-2014, 05:31 AM	#1
King Ra. The Throne, The Crown Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 2,667 Battle Record: 21-35 Rep Power: 1932960	WK6: Defiant (3-1) vs Dominate (2-0) -- Dominate 7-0 AOWL Season IV, Week 6 OFFICIAL RULES: Verses are due Friday, November 7th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions. Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 16 lines. Votes are due Sunday, November 9th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week. TOPIC: The War or the Battle Good luck, @Dominate and @Defiant. __________________ Vetwork, bitches.

11-07-2014, 09:46 AM	#2
Dominate Tread Lightly. Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 2,309 Battle Record: 26-9 Champed - Netcees Battle League - Battle Arena - Tag Team Tournament III - Tag Tournament: "Omicron Variant" Rep Power: 18197456	Blood stained the arena’s floor. Cato’s tunic was soaked with sweat. He was tired. Exhausted. His sword moving slower and slower yet. His opponent stepped, red plumed helm framing a contemptuous sneer. The spectators’ deafening cheer was punctuated with heckles and jeers. He circled his foe. Searching for weakness, observing his pose. The soldier sprang! Metal rang as scythe met sword, turning the blows. Woodchips flew from Cato’s shield as he parried each vicious cut. Sidestep. Spin and thrust. Peddle back... He wasn’t quick enough. He staggered. Weapon dropped, his body followed a moment later. “Finish him!” the crowd roared. “Make an end to this loathsome traitor!” Blade pressed to Cato’s throat, his oppressor awaited a final command. The centurion cleared his throat, and bellowed from high in the stands: “Let this be a lesson, men. Fight in the field with your brothers beside you Or pay the price for desertion and fight in the ring while others deride you!” With a thumbs down, it was done now. Death raced down in a savage swish. Cato reflected on his choice. Maybe the war wouldn't have been as bad as this. __________________ The Bad Guys Last edited by Dominate; 11-07-2014 at 09:49 AM.

11-08-2014, 02:38 PM	#4
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,025 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349678	This is a great topic... Dominate, the more I read your work the more I see the dedication to your verses the way you start off the verse shows the way you can paint a picture a very well painted picture in fact, you spend no time dilly dallying with mechanics you seem ready for this verse and put down a very interesting tale, flow was smooth and towards the end you kind of remind me of me...nice work Defiant, I feel like you knew what you were aiming for as far as the verse goes in fact who wouldn't? you portray a very well written story thats very adaptable it focus' on the many things people are used to, but isn't to be looked over it flows smoothly as well with the way the structure comes about, nice work v/I really enjoyed both verses and felt like this topic was great I think both of you really touched on this and it gave me good vibes but then after reading through it once again, I realized my vote is done in vain not meeting the deadline as planned or showing any...change as far as you two go maybe it's because Defiant is in a different timezone..but I feel like... I have to give this to Dominate by default...nice battle fella's regardless of how I did the vote I still feel Dom edged it over on his opponent so don't feel your late appearance has faultered you...it just makes my vote feel less illustrious now nice battle fella's __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

11-09-2014, 05:05 PM	#6
Witty Lime Life Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 16,794 Battle Record: 30-41 Accomplishments - Only Slightly Retarded Champed - Lyric Olympics - Summer Classic Rep Power: 82986458	Dominate - This is the second week in a row you've written what I believe to be the verse of the week, loved the story telling, the rhyming was as smooth as silk (or something less cliche) and your narrative was very impressive for such a short verse, to be able to fit a beginning, middle, and end in to such few lines is very difficult to master and you pulled it off, your language is very natural and opens your verse up to the reader, flowed perfectly, nothing confusing and nothing that upset the rhythm of the piece, I could tell you really took time to make sure everything was just right, dope shit dude. Defiant - This was well written, you had some very vivid imagery and your use of emotional language was well received. I would have liked a little more background in the piece, a bit more of a narrative, but I realize that is very difficult to achieve in such a short piece (I struggled with it too) so I can't mark you down too much for that, your flow wasn't as good and as smooth as Dom's and your rhyming a little more basic, but I followed the piece well, I knew what was happening, I just wish I had more information as to why and where...good job tho man, short verses aren't gonna work for everyone. Vote Dominate. __________________ He listens to voices inside of his mind Explicit and poisonous violent crime.

11-10-2014, 01:10 AM	#9
kannon kickthekan Join Date: May 2014 Location: fresh coast Posts: 1,204 Battle Record: 9-6 Champed - The Mic Check Rep Power: 22752195	THE WAR OR THE BATTLE Dominate. I really liked this. The story built as it went, and really rounded itself out with a great closing line. I'm not sure if I wanted more out of the moment Cato was brought to his knees, but at the least, the line "he wasn't quick enough" was enough to let us know where we were going. Otherwise, this was great. I really liked the development, and the pace of it all. Mechanics were also on point, flow was dope, schemes were cool, nothing forced. Well written overall. Defiant. Cool little piece. One thing though, haha. I'm hesitant to accept that this guy is calling his leader his "new father" and then immediately killing him. Part of what you described caused him so much anguish was the deaths of his family members. That would lead me to believe that he doesnt take his loyalties lightly when it comes to naming someone his new patriarch. He bounced from showing his allegiance, to demanding hierarchy with almost no cause other than "it would be nice to rule." Other than that one snag for me, this was good. Well written, flow was pretty solid, and the closer was dope. Fairly close here, but I think Dominate has my favorite piece of the week so far. And unfortunately, with Defiant's one snag, it gave the leverage in the other direction. Vote is for Dominate. __________________ lnk.bio/kickthekan FIRSTCLASS

11-08-2014, 05:32 AM	#3
Defiant Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 1,121 Battle Record: 31-50 Champed - Time to Kill I Rep Power: 6442244	Last battle in a civil war that's ripped through my beloved nation the elation after absolute anguish, the war that started long before my creation the war that killed my father, the war that had cousins fighting cousins the war that ripped through my family with casualties by the dozens this is my bed of roses, as the door of this anarchy closes a peaceful conclusion to our future, is what our leader proposes the man I have laid my life for since birth, this man is like a new father this disjointed existence is all ive known, so how could i know what I'd rather 'You don't know what it means to win' the abstract feeling that would overwhelm the chance to kill this bastard and become lord protector of the realm no impasse, no army of soldiers blocking my path no hindrance for my triumph, there's no one knocking my wrath my sword pierces his skin, hit every vital organ at the core thinking 'the only thing better than the battle is being the one who won the war'

11-09-2014, 01:12 AM	#5
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 502 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737825	Both have similar themes. This might seem picky but it's hard to separate the two and Dominate's use of "He" + "His" and third person felt better to read than Defiant's use of "This" + "The" and first person. Also, Dominate's setting was better defined by the descriptions, the Roman era stuff would have been obvious even without the last part, just the use of words like Tunic etc was good enough. Defiant's seemed medieval, it could have been early medieval with no swords, but it could have also been like gunpowder Napoleonic with swords too. It was a little ambiguous - which is not necessarily a problem, but it didn't compare well against Dominate's which had such a clear setting. Also, splitting hairs again, but the grammar and stuff from Dominate's makes it a little easier to read. Voting for Dominate.

11-09-2014, 06:16 PM	#7
timeless past tense Join Date: Nov 2013 Location: NJ Posts: 1,627 Battle Record: 22-39 Rep Power: 4341325	Enjoyed the ending to Dom's verse. Felt the verse couldve used more detail within your story, more of a backdrop to the plot than the attention to the scene details you did do. Not a bad verse, flowed smooth. Vocab and multis couldve been better. Like Dom, defiant came with the same qualm I previously mentioned. Both verses were very similiar, eerily in fact. Def used better vocab, but none captured my eye. Have got to give it to Dom for the more natural read, and approach to the topic. V. Dom

11-10-2014, 01:04 AM	#8
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856375	This was one of my favorite takes of the week. If not my favorite. I will keep it short though, seeing that my body needs to sleep. Both wrote similar takes. Dominate: I have no criticism I enjoyed the way you constructed it. And I also enjoyed the very small nuances of the way you structured everything. That was particularly enjoyable. Defiant: Although I liked your verse, there was still this awkwardness to it. Some transitions from line to line felt a bit off. Now I liked your verse, however I couldn't find anything in Dom I was not fond of. However, in yours there were tidbits that were particularly disengaging. Also Dom had the stronger mechanics. Anyways: vote Dominate Thank you gentlemen very much.

11-10-2014, 01:41 AM	#10
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247256	Dominate- I liked this piece. It was pretty descriptive and I felt like I was watching a movie. I just don't get why the protagonist had an epiphany after his beheading though. Tight drop for the bars alotted. Nice work. Defiant- if this was about a soldier that killed his leader to take credit for ending the war, this badass. If not, its still good. I just think the story could've used a little less buildup and a more thorough ending, rather the conclusion crammed into the last two lines. Still was enjoyable though. MVGT dom for a better written epic take on the topic.