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Old 11-09-2018, 11:09 PM   #1
Innovator
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Default Artifice vs Master rock[OPEN FOR VOTES]

NWL:Season I: Week VI



Verses ares due: FRIDAY at 11:59 PM EST

Voting ends: SUNDAY at 11:59 PM EST

Line Limit: Minimum:10 lines, Max: 30

Voting on 2 battles is required.



TOPIC:

“Through the eyes of a soldier”

@Artifice @Master Rock

Last edited by Innovator; 11-18-2018 at 12:47 AM.
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Old 11-10-2018, 03:42 PM   #2
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Check.
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Old 11-11-2018, 09:35 PM   #3
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at first it was great to see him come back from the war
but he'd changed, now different than how he'd acted before
saw action in Iraq so traumatic it rattled his core
and while that battle was won from it a new battle was born
weeks of sleepless nights, his every dream's a fight
so he keeps a piece within reach it seems no peace in sight
hears the screams of tykes in such a scene of strife
so much life murdered by machines manned with a demon's might
his therapist unprepared for the terror with which
he was burdened for what he was bearin' carried a twist
the wrong co-ordinates were ordered, scary as shit
he barely lived but leveled a village full of parents and kids
imprisoned with guilt, he has himself caught
watches his self rot trapped inside this mental cell block
looks forward to death for it's when his hell stops
for this unlucky soldier with a life sentenced to shell shock

Last edited by Artifice; 11-15-2018 at 10:30 PM. Reason: edited verse in
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Old 11-16-2018, 10:56 PM   #4
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Tears in the middle of the night
telling myself I'm alright
I'm really not my bloods hot
left and right bodies drop
I feel I been shot down
echoes of gunshot sounds
bloods on the ground
I'm lost waiting to be found
helicopters above my head
burning flesh I smell lead
bullets inches from my head
tormented from the darkness that continues to spread
my life flashes before my eyes while enveloped in the blood shed
mist in the atmosphere has me tasting what my brothers have bled
but yet in the moment I hear their cries fallen soldiers with the reaper they plead
the madness has me hearing whispering of the talking dead
fear for the path that lies ahead
My blood boils rage has me saturated in red
The wars not over it hard to keep my head shoulders
tick tock every second that passes I grow a little bit colder
I'm fighting against fears, fighting against my tears
I'm fighting against my god given years
I take a breath Feel the tightening of the chest this life consumed me with the stress encompassed with death
why do I seem to be the only one left doomed the opposition of blessed
twitching limbs intestines bout to burst from the pressure within
clenching my fist before I die conversing with God confessing my sins
wheres does the rest begin I spin out of control shots fired I'm leaving holes
exterminate all the pain forever will tear through in my soul
a pledge to the polls government tolls
its based on control
deceit Desertion and lies
I need to survive
yet I'm stuck telling this story through a soldiers eyes

Last edited by Master Rock; 11-17-2018 at 09:59 PM. Reason: Wording
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Old 11-18-2018, 03:07 AM   #5
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Art - I enjoyed this though I felt there were a couple wording issues in terms of flow only, not really grammatical. I assume this was a drone strike, and if so, I wish you had relayed that fact in some way. There's power in exploring a few meaningful details in depth. All in all though, you still have a knack for telling a full story in few words. I'm used to you tugging on the heart strings a bit more, and I think if you chose to take your time and flesh this one out it could be much better, regardless of the oft used concept, your style shined above the errors. Good shit as always bruhv.


Rock - E-Rek from Bboys/PR I assume, glad your around still putting in work. But if it is you, WTF you leave san diego for chicago...That's going backward guy. Moving on....Fitting topic given ur background. While I enjoyed this verse, it felt lacking at points. The dream sequence where you quickly touched on the echoes and thoughts that haunt the soldier, that could've been a powerful tool utitlized in this verse, but you barely glanced over it.


Good battle, given topic such a commoners topic I think you both did well with, I mean it's hard to write something new let alone with a soldier topic. With that said, I wish you both had a fresher angle, though, as I said, I enjoyed each read. However, there is a clear winner in my eyes. One verse was more direct and the better inners and overall flow in my eyes.


v/ Artifice

close bout, but he had the stronger hand IMO
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Old 11-19-2018, 06:09 PM   #6
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I think you guys got stuck with a shitty topic.

Not a huge fan of the whole soldier / war aspect of topicals. Seen them quite a bit, and probably once someone had a fresh take on it.

I didn't really like the second verse. Seemed kind of basic, and I was waiting to get pulled in but never did. Also, it was longer than 30 lines. I definitely noticed once I went through so many lines and still didn't have a, 'ahh that was pretty cool moment.

Artifice's verse was okay. The technicality behind it made it worth it. Rhyme scheme was cool. A few internals were oddly worded, kind of threw the flow off in certain places. Besides that, overall, it was just a more solid verse.

Wish you guys had a better topic, but for now,

vArtifice

PS: How dare you say Chicago is moving backwards.
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