Netcees  

Go Back   Netcees > Vault > Archives > The Netcees archive > Art of Writing League > AOWL Season 8 Archive

User Tag List

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-27-2017, 08:09 PM   #1
Inno
Ad mini tator
 
Inno's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 10,005
Battle Record: 26-54


Champed
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- Black August
- 1-2 Punch League

Rep Power: 85899399
Inno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond repute
Default Week I: DVS vs Objective[objective wins]



Season 8

Verses are due FRIDAY at 11:59

Voting ends SUNDAY at 11:59

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253

@DVS vs @Objective

Goodluck!

Last edited by Inno; 12-04-2017 at 09:45 PM.
Inno is offline  
Old 11-30-2017, 01:05 AM   #2
DVS
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Australia
Posts: 28




Rep Power: 5382607
DVS has a brilliant futureDVS has a brilliant futureDVS has a brilliant futureDVS has a brilliant futureDVS has a brilliant futureDVS has a brilliant futureDVS has a brilliant futureDVS has a brilliant futureDVS has a brilliant futureDVS has a brilliant futureDVS has a brilliant future
Default



every
burnt
bridge



truth gone hungry
pangs of regret
every burnt bridge is a guide light to my friends
and the silence speaks volume
dialled up to ten, facing denial in trial by pen

vomiting denial on a bitumen catwalk
living in the skin of the kid who is at fault
asphalt diary, find me, hunched over regret
and I won’t move on until the moment has left
I never act on thoughts but choose to move past them
never saids bloom into my scar garden
too few that’s shared, that I loose to regret
when all i choose to do is keep them from you instead
if you’re the sum of my thoughts and the maths is correct
the amount that I amounted to, won't pass that mountain of debt
a series of uncommitted half truths from this bar stool
disguised behind sarcasm, laughs, and some fast food

lips stitched, but only lipstick could part it
our skin swims and lives in the margins their carved in
you’re a part of this apartment, my mind’s an attic
where the ghosts of my youth grow lonesome and manic
and slowly ratchet the roaming facets
of a home that fractured into the broken throne of a lone mattress
I’m throwing matches,
to stoke the ashes
every word I spoke in stanzas dances hopelessly hoping it matters
a moment of madness, a lifetime of pain
clawing at the embers unsure if the fire remains
I still see the smoke glide along the top
of the place that I broke where my confidence was shot
and this is the hole point i’m getting to,
when people leave; the sum of the whole forms exit wounds
left with a choir of thoughts to grow destitute
that harmonise every single thing I never said to you

never saids - they bloom,
unless you act on a thought
but a thought is all that it eventuates to
and I gotta lot of thoughts
Attached Images
File Type: jpg 1435621661816-3 (1).jpg (90.4 KB, 23 views)

Last edited by DVS; 12-01-2017 at 01:49 AM.
DVS is offline  
Old 12-01-2017, 04:44 AM   #3
Objective
( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)
 
Objective's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3,783
Battle Record: 17-32



Rep Power: 52474188
Objective has a brilliant futureObjective has a brilliant futureObjective has a brilliant futureObjective has a brilliant futureObjective has a brilliant futureObjective has a brilliant futureObjective has a brilliant futureObjective has a brilliant futureObjective has a brilliant futureObjective has a brilliant futureObjective has a brilliant future
Default

The 20th installment: Pollock Manson


Alien invasions doesn't bother me when I'm armed fatherly,
barred hard with visciousness and guns that keeps our issues less.
Mission success' done quarterly, orderly put we're top secret assassins
picked from soldiers missing in action caught in passin' that fought their ass in
willing to do the drilling of killing top villains or millions of civilians if the big mans askin'.
Back then I said to my officials friend:
'Sounds thrilling, send the task in.'

Six years later and it seem like ages since insanity hit,
I'm proficient in readjusting my aim for gravity shifts on three planets n shit.
On the badassery bit I'm cold and callous for this. The ''masked bandits'' won't miss.
Oh, you thought humanity's it?
That we're angels on sight blessed with greek warriors might?
That our galaxy won't be contested to fight when in their mind we're honored with spite?
False, and it sucks to be right...
Living on a space station severed from life to the point it feels like playstation,
the beckoning echoing of tiptoe conversations mentoring loneliness and frustration.
Basically living the vivid image inside of a game and our planet's to blame,
but who cares when our talents are paid so they can control the source of savage & pain.
The forced damage of vain intellect is righteous if it ain't reaching the net,
we're unknown to why they'd fight us, but it's enough of them being a threat.
As time went on it became evident that we're ignored by the president,
we need reinforcements sent but the secrecy made it irrelevant,
so to Hell it went...

Along with other machines that excel in violence and known to stay silent,
honed to defeat masses of bastards as hired tyrants we attack the rebel alliance.
Our force called The Black Lions are ready for the course of bathing in alien gore,
watch em fade to the core as scotch blessed the taste of my friend Damien's sword.
Limbs caught in the wind don't drop to the martian atmosphere that we're in,
bottled with sin the battles stop and begins, too bad Martin wasn't destined to win.
Off to my left Harlots neck are met with razor sharp claws making a mess,
I state my regret as I realize my friends are dead and my head's aching with stress.
The corpse of a spider works as a grinder as foes come close and enforce exposure to fire,
I'm the lone wolf; a survivor, versus opposers composed with a deadly desire.
Guns go click and my knees fall like bricks to the dirt, screaming: 'shit, what was it worth?'
I witness my intestines devoured as they're leaving in ships
aimed for the earth...
__________________
I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave,
So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave.


www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o
Objective is offline  
Old 12-04-2017, 07:37 PM   #4
Inno
Ad mini tator
 
Inno's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 10,005
Battle Record: 26-54


Champed
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- Black August
- 1-2 Punch League

Rep Power: 85899399
Inno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond repute
Default

Vote1:

Quote:
DVS vs Objective

DVS opted for more a topical this week, over a story, which is quite rarely seen these days in truth and often when you do, they're a kind of hybrid between the two things and not just a straight up topical. I felt this was. I've seen DVS speak previously on how sometimes metaphor is a strong literary handle to lean on, and I can't help but feel he executed that very well this week. He did great. The style isn't maybe one we're as familiar with here at NC now, but it's definitely one the likes of PR regulars will be. Myself included. This broken down bar style works well when done this smoothly, it comes off effortlessly even if it's far from it. Don't let that get overlooked here, it's the sign of a great writer. The easier the read the better. It's clean, concise, and constructed very well. This is probably my fave verse so far in voting this week. Again, props on the topic and flipping it into a more personal metaphorical idea rather than a story of some sort because that's rarely seen these days and that was refreshing to me.

Objective: This read to me like Ill Bill doing horrorcore or some shit haha! The rhyme placement largely helped, especially given the line lengths, and it read like a bombardment of rhymes being thrown down, partly because of your Norweigianness, partly because of your desire to go all in this week. The story was pretty cool, high action, maybe a bit of sci fi which is definitely to my tastes. I think maybe the language barrier held you back somewhat, some lines were convoluted and even though you did well you came up against a fantastic writer in DVS this week who pipped you to the post in several categories and nullified what you did well. I tend to think of topical battle scoring a bit like boxing, and he was just ahead on points throughout so I can't see any other outcome. That's the best analogy I can think of right now to describe my decision. Objective was good, DVS was even better this time out.
Vote 2:

Quote:
DVS

I assume you do audio cuz of the way this read, though dropping some filler words would have smoothed it (at least for me).
To get it out of the way, repeating rhymes bother the piss out of me.

Quote:
every burnt bridge is a guide light to my friends
is cool, works one way or another.

Quote:
bloom into my scar garden
neh. I get the idea but, "bloom" seems just too pretty of a word for this.

Quote:
lips stitched, but only lipstick could part it
my favourite line. creates the feeling of a dead relationship except when they're in public.

... stanzas dances hopelessly hoping it matters

dope flow on this.

I like the idea of "never saids".


Objective

cool, now I've seen something you wrote and know which way to predict.

Quote:
mission success' done quarterly, orderly put we're top secret assassins / picked from soldiers missing in action...
clean af.

Quote:
living on a space station... feels like a playstation / beckoning echoing... loneliness and frustration
ehh. weakest line in the piece to me.

Quote:
... fade to the core as scotch blessed the taste of my friend Damien's sword
caught my eye, smooth, but I'm annoyed it caught my eye cuz I can't decipher it.

Quote:
...screaming: 'shit, what was it worth?' / ... leaving in ships, aimed for the earth
dope ending.

the fucking plural "alien invasions" -> "doesn't" tripped me for a second but besides that nothing much else stopped me from enjoying this entire piece. I know one of the several I'm gonna take an L to, and definitely one of the ones I'm gonna learn a lot from.

mvgt - Objective
Inno is offline  
Old 12-04-2017, 09:44 PM   #5
Inno
Ad mini tator
 
Inno's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 10,005
Battle Record: 26-54


Champed
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- Black August
- 1-2 Punch League

Rep Power: 85899399
Inno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond repute
Default

my vote goes to objective. breakdown in the mag
Inno is offline  
Closed Thread

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 06:48 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2024 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Google+