The Storm

Zen · 06-01-2014, 11:15 PM

I can think of a thousand words that rhyme, none of them good. None of them expresses what I'm feeling. You'd think some of them would.
I saw her last weekend. Her hair was shorter than I remember. She left me awhile back, a cold morning in December.
We were arguing over nothing, seems that's all we ever did. She busted through the door to leave. She hasn't saw me since.
I walked up to her forcing a smile across my face. She turned my way, and my eyes caught her gaze.
We both said hey and talked through the awkwardness. She was about to walk away, "what've you gotten outta all of this?"
The question stopped her. "What do you mean?" Her face said it all, I was nothing but grief.
"Nothing," I said. "It was good to see you." I walked away first. I felt I needed to.
Then I realized I'm still in that same mindset. Still trying to win...
I always needed the last word, always right to the end.
I heard she got engaged in July. Some tall, lanky blonde asshole. I always hated them guys.
Jesus, tears fill my face from my eyes. I'm all alone, chained to my pride. I went on a walk thinking on my life. At first I thought of ways to try and make her mine. That wouldn't happen. Give it a break. I sighed.
The weather was warm as thunder roared in the distance. I watched the clouds roll for more than a minute. It calmed me, as beautiful a storm ever witnessed...but the silence that followed, that chorus of existence. Nothing more.

Zen.

Bliss.

Vulgar · 06-07-2014, 02:20 AM

"Jesus, tears fill my face from my eyes. I'm all alone, chained to my pride. I went on a walk thinking on my life. At first I thought of ways to try and make her mine. That wouldn't happen. Give it a break. I sighed."

The way you portrayed the emotional response to rejection was really involving. I think most human beings go through these trials. Accessible, good rhyming, similar to oatmeal's strengths. A little more metaphorical experimentation would work well for you, methinks.

Keep doing you

Geno · 06-13-2014, 07:36 AM

up

e11even · 06-14-2014, 03:37 AM

I really like how vulnerable i felt reading this. Just the fact that it came off so convincingly. good shit. I dug the whole thing. most of this awareness is stuff I never say out loud but I ponder this way all the time. I hope you feel better, but this highlights a better writer in you Zen. This is something that makes sense.

Kin · 06-14-2014, 06:06 PM

whoaaa...didn't expect this to be so deep..

def. a Talented writer right here...stories are always a challange and you made it like I was watching a short story instead of reading.

Hats off to you Zen.... True story also???

Zen · 06-14-2014, 06:25 PM

Everything I've ever wrote is true.

dull boy · 06-15-2014, 02:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zenland

Everything I've ever wrote is true.

:)

Zen · 06-15-2014, 02:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dull boy

:)

Glad you understood that.

How are you, dull? I'll assume that's your actual first name.

david stern razor burns · 06-15-2014, 03:09 AM

Aren't we just a lovely little poet now?
Obviously still stinging. This was from the heart. Great imagery, solid story telling. Rather different from your more common style of the rhyming being the showcase and the content secondary. The scheming took a back seat to your story today. If you can manage do both a la Black D than you really have got it made. Stay real, Zen.

dead man · 06-15-2014, 11:27 PM

this was fantastic.

I'm too wrecked to elaborate but great, great work.

thank you

Quote:

The weather was warm as thunder roared in the distance. I watched the clouds roll for more than a minute. It calmed me, as beautiful a storm ever witnessed...but the silence that followed, that chorus of existence. Nothing more.

reminiscent of "grapevine fires" by deathcab. not in any specific capacity just the way it made me feel was similar. I'm going to nominate this for HOF.

oats · 06-18-2014, 10:15 AM

I have much to say about this, and I will, once I get back to the states. In summation: good shit, wish it was longer.

Split · 08-01-2014, 07:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by oats

I have much to say about this, and I will, once I get back to the states. In summation: good shit, wish it was longer.

PancakeBrah · 08-02-2014, 01:01 AM

I'm known for writing emotional/sappy pieces about gurlz but nothing I've ever written is as confident as this. Or good, really. You didn't feel the need to spruce this up with superfluous language or text bullshit. It was real, just happened to rhyme. The ability to pull off the 'done before' relies on meaning it, and you meant it. The 'what have you gained out of this?' line was the best, one of my favorites from the open mic in a while. It was just placed and paced perfectly, and the actual phrase itself is one that can be applied to so much of our collective ado, especially in the realm of relationships. The self-awareness and introspection didn't come off as precious here, it was honest. Even if the sentiments have been spelled out before it was earnest here which is more than most can say. I mostly remember you from AOWL S2 but you've obviously improved quite a bit from that stage of your writing if this piece is evidence. I'm a fan and connoisseur of these pieces and you did the form very well. The ending storm section was also well done; a bit of a flourish.

Thanks for the read.

gitto138 · 08-02-2014, 06:49 AM

This is the third time reading this short emotional story, worded perfect i might ad, perfected and uses simplified yet illustrative imagination, really heart felt and real, props man

Pharaohs Army · 08-03-2014, 12:40 AM

very well done from a technical standpoint and also a sincere subject matter, and insight to your mindset during the event at hand

JESODIST · 08-03-2014, 01:14 AM

Well we are all men here, woman deserve their respect. Especially if they can get someone like zen weak enough to write an entire verse lol

Split · 08-04-2014, 10:36 AM

^truuu

I'm feeding this via PM as part of something else.

Eŋg · 08-05-2014, 03:30 PM

stripping away the bells and whistles most of us commonly employ in our writing )in this venue, at least( and allowing the simplicity of language to bring forth a very organic potency is appreciated. i didn't really like this until the dialogue began, if i'm honest, but i can see even the somewhat mundane writing before it was necessary to pad out what would follow. i haven't read a lot from you, idk if this is your style or what, but i liked this even if my impression of you now is that of an emophag.

jk. semi-serious, actually. but there worse things.

06-01-2014, 11:15 PM	#1
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,104 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079719	The Storm I can think of a thousand words that rhyme, none of them good. None of them expresses what I'm feeling. You'd think some of them would. I saw her last weekend. Her hair was shorter than I remember. She left me awhile back, a cold morning in December. We were arguing over nothing, seems that's all we ever did. She busted through the door to leave. She hasn't saw me since. I walked up to her forcing a smile across my face. She turned my way, and my eyes caught her gaze. We both said hey and talked through the awkwardness. She was about to walk away, "what've you gotten outta all of this?" The question stopped her. "What do you mean?" Her face said it all, I was nothing but grief. "Nothing," I said. "It was good to see you." I walked away first. I felt I needed to. Then I realized I'm still in that same mindset. Still trying to win... I always needed the last word, always right to the end. I heard she got engaged in July. Some tall, lanky blonde asshole. I always hated them guys. Jesus, tears fill my face from my eyes. I'm all alone, chained to my pride. I went on a walk thinking on my life. At first I thought of ways to try and make her mine. That wouldn't happen. Give it a break. I sighed. The weather was warm as thunder roared in the distance. I watched the clouds roll for more than a minute. It calmed me, as beautiful a storm ever witnessed...but the silence that followed, that chorus of existence. Nothing more. Zen. Bliss. Last edited by Zen; 06-01-2014 at 11:19 PM.

06-13-2014, 07:36 AM	#3
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,325 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036758	up __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

06-14-2014, 03:37 AM	#4
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247256	I really like how vulnerable i felt reading this. Just the fact that it came off so convincingly. good shit. I dug the whole thing. most of this awareness is stuff I never say out loud but I ponder this way all the time. I hope you feel better, but this highlights a better writer in you Zen. This is something that makes sense. __________________ Ahem.

06-18-2014, 10:15 AM	#11
oats Steel Cut Join Date: May 2013 Posts: 5,075 Battle Record: 19-10 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Fight Night LXXXIV - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 79005425	I have much to say about this, and I will, once I get back to the states. In summation: good shit, wish it was longer. __________________ You should be water

08-02-2014, 01:01 AM	#13
PancakeBrah SOBER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 13,052 Battle Record: 2-5 Champed - AOWL Season 2 Rep Power: 85899406	I'm known for writing emotional/sappy pieces about gurlz but nothing I've ever written is as confident as this. Or good, really. You didn't feel the need to spruce this up with superfluous language or text bullshit. It was real, just happened to rhyme. The ability to pull off the 'done before' relies on meaning it, and you meant it. The 'what have you gained out of this?' line was the best, one of my favorites from the open mic in a while. It was just placed and paced perfectly, and the actual phrase itself is one that can be applied to so much of our collective ado, especially in the realm of relationships. The self-awareness and introspection didn't come off as precious here, it was honest. Even if the sentiments have been spelled out before it was earnest here which is more than most can say. I mostly remember you from AOWL S2 but you've obviously improved quite a bit from that stage of your writing if this piece is evidence. I'm a fan and connoisseur of these pieces and you did the form very well. The ending storm section was also well done; a bit of a flourish. Thanks for the read. __________________ If I ventured in the slipstream Between the viaducts of your dreams Where immobil steel rims crack And the ditch in the back road stop Could you find me?

06-07-2014, 02:20 AM	#2
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604317	"Jesus, tears fill my face from my eyes. I'm all alone, chained to my pride. I went on a walk thinking on my life. At first I thought of ways to try and make her mine. That wouldn't happen. Give it a break. I sighed." The way you portrayed the emotional response to rejection was really involving. I think most human beings go through these trials. Accessible, good rhyming, similar to oatmeal's strengths. A little more metaphorical experimentation would work well for you, methinks. Keep doing you

06-14-2014, 06:06 PM	#5
Kin Kill.It.Nonstop Join Date: Jun 2014 Posts: 666 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 662198	whoaaa...didn't expect this to be so deep.. def. a Talented writer right here...stories are always a challange and you made it like I was watching a short story instead of reading. Hats off to you Zen.... True story also???

06-14-2014, 06:25 PM	#6
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,104 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079719	Everything I've ever wrote is true.

06-15-2014, 03:09 AM	#9
david stern razor burns with razor spurs Join Date: Mar 2014 Location: At David Blaine's favorite place with David Spade and Macy Gray Posts: 87 Rep Power: 3750186	Aren't we just a lovely little poet now? Obviously still stinging. This was from the heart. Great imagery, solid story telling. Rather different from your more common style of the rhyming being the showcase and the content secondary. The scheming took a back seat to your story today. If you can manage do both a la Black D than you really have got it made. Stay real, Zen.

08-02-2014, 06:49 AM	#14
gitto138 Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Location: BITER Posts: 138 Battle Record: BITER Rep Power: 0	This is the third time reading this short emotional story, worded perfect i might ad, perfected and uses simplified yet illustrative imagination, really heart felt and real, props man

08-03-2014, 12:40 AM	#15
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,962 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	very well done from a technical standpoint and also a sincere subject matter, and insight to your mindset during the event at hand

08-03-2014, 01:14 AM	#16
JESODIST Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 295 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 976835	Well we are all men here, woman deserve their respect. Especially if they can get someone like zen weak enough to write an entire verse lol

08-04-2014, 10:36 AM	#17
Split . Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 8,904 Battle Record: 27-22 Rep Power: 85899395	^truuu I'm feeding this via PM as part of something else. __________________ http://split8.yolasite.com

08-05-2014, 03:30 PM	#18
Eŋg rhyme capsule. Join Date: Sep 2018 Posts: 2,146 Rep Power: 0	stripping away the bells and whistles most of us commonly employ in our writing )in this venue, at least( and allowing the simplicity of language to bring forth a very organic potency is appreciated. i didn't really like this until the dialogue began, if i'm honest, but i can see even the somewhat mundane writing before it was necessary to pad out what would follow. i haven't read a lot from you, idk if this is your style or what, but i liked this even if my impression of you now is that of an emophag. jk. semi-serious, actually. but there worse things.