Teenage anxst and loneliness

KennyCerealBowl · 02-11-2018, 02:31 AM

If i could just find the one..... I
promise... I be forever done ,
Days of the month, ...it's been the same ,
trying to find a way to jump off this plane
Will the pilot even noticed I'm gone man it's ashame
How these memories has fucked with me
Taken abuse from my mother to the district police
I'll show u a view of what it's like to be lonely
like I'm watching my life past on from the nosebleeds
Sick of these bogus talking like they know my story
That's why everyday life seems more dum and boring
Fucking fake ones I know what they thought
giving me like tips like one day I'll ask it out of a cup
i don't need your pity , and I don't need your guidance
I need you to hear me and get to know who I am
crying out in this desert and my throat feels like iron
So don't be surprised when you hear the rushing sirens.

Alice · 02-11-2018, 09:19 PM

This was decent. You went on a bit of a tangent at some spaces, from the opening line seeking some sort of release to coins in a cup, but the overarching connection was most definitely prevalent throughout. Would've liked to see a more thorough continuation of the references you used and some of the imagery you tried to incorporate, like the 'desert' and 'iron' references. But this seems more like a quick written so it's somewhat understandable. It has some emotional/powerful moments though, and I can definitely appreciate that.

Eŋg · 03-04-2018, 10:13 PM

i could accept this if it were dagel, despite him being like 40 now, but otherwise this was too emo and ultimately simplistic for me to enjoy. read more, play more, formulate idea expanding past how you merely feel and it'll come to you.

02-11-2018, 02:31 AM	#1
KennyCerealBowl Do what is right. Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 769 Rep Power: 954117	Teenage anxst and loneliness If i could just find the one..... I promise... I be forever done , Days of the month, ...it's been the same , trying to find a way to jump off this plane Will the pilot even noticed I'm gone man it's ashame How these memories has fucked with me Taken abuse from my mother to the district police I'll show u a view of what it's like to be lonely like I'm watching my life past on from the nosebleeds Sick of these bogus talking like they know my story That's why everyday life seems more dum and boring Fucking fake ones I know what they thought giving me like tips like one day I'll ask it out of a cup i don't need your pity , and I don't need your guidance I need you to hear me and get to know who I am crying out in this desert and my throat feels like iron So don't be surprised when you hear the rushing sirens. __________________ Last edited by KennyCerealBowl; 02-11-2018 at 02:53 PM.

02-11-2018, 09:19 PM	#2
Alice Member Join Date: Feb 2018 Posts: 48 Rep Power: 53110	This was decent. You went on a bit of a tangent at some spaces, from the opening line seeking some sort of release to coins in a cup, but the overarching connection was most definitely prevalent throughout. Would've liked to see a more thorough continuation of the references you used and some of the imagery you tried to incorporate, like the 'desert' and 'iron' references. But this seems more like a quick written so it's somewhat understandable. It has some emotional/powerful moments though, and I can definitely appreciate that.

03-04-2018, 10:13 PM	#3
Eŋg rhyme capsule. Join Date: Sep 2018 Posts: 2,146 Rep Power: 0	i could accept this if it were dagel, despite him being like 40 now, but otherwise this was too emo and ultimately simplistic for me to enjoy. read more, play more, formulate idea expanding past how you merely feel and it'll come to you.