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Old 01-24-2021, 01:35 AM   #1
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Default WEEK EIGHT: OBJECTIVE 2-4 vs BROKENHAL0 1-1 HAL0 WINS

AOWL Season IX WEEK EIGHT

@Objective @brokenhal0

VERSES DUE: WEDNESDAY JANUARY 27th @ 11:59PM EST


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Old 01-24-2021, 01:46 PM   #2
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Yes
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So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave.


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Old 01-24-2021, 11:45 PM   #3
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Homeland Mystification

My climb to power was for my own improvement
no matter how far these cameras zoom in I focus threw it
government agencies harnessing surveillance blueprints
using location data to trace your recent movements
exerting social control, turning security company's into trolls
using technologies On their own thank god i ain't no civilian clone
remain home they want ya health and all control
enforce every tool at their disposal
spy drones with 1000x megapixel mobile
locate you within seconds anywhere global
I stay vocal that's why im a threat to public safety
personal privacy comes from higher senses if karma's hasty
call me the invasive norm we watch you while you sleep
as you travel interstates and parks fire escapes and dorms
I only see what I can't crop
the things I witness will make a man drop
murders that I cant stop perverts uploading to there laptop
smile for the camera bring fire to the sandbox
higher-powered surveillance facial recognition
inner eye clearance birds eye view watching all the by-standards
with bi standards bi-polar hot tempered and vice mannered
data-minded traffic evoke political agendas
based on unwise actions live feeds are state power
we watch you everyday and hour in the shower
put a red dot on ya head like a plane tower
surveillance measures for my own interests
appropriate and effective scoped you on the entrance
using software to classify your camera color coded essence
nanobot nodes attached to your DNA chromosomes
it's in the air you breathe powerless to challenge the fight
balancing values of human rights while recording you at night
prove what it's like the strongest satellite
couldn't capture what i read or write
I viewed restricted sites where black magicians killed for religious rites
thumbprint access opens doors to bigger heights
zeitgeist, facial-recognition life you been identified
based on your lack of rhythmic spice
privacy invader , highly invasive they know you by your first name
exclaim threw the monitors ill be ya savior , ill see ya later
they put cameras in your vaccinations , go-pros on ya head
decapitations , the hidden eye of the masons , digital spy
I be amazing saying this , here's some guidelines to minimize patient risk.


1. Solidify relationships , and watch who you acquainted with.

2. Silence has faith in it , the words you type and speak get recorded on the data strip.

3. Cameras can't capture the thoughts you thinking with , use them wisely
realize the real eye's you seeing with.

Last edited by brokenhal0; 01-27-2021 at 07:33 AM.
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Old 01-27-2021, 06:29 AM   #4
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He terminate what's hollow
with bourbon, urban nature and a dollar.
Certain that he's worthless,
earned his social status in the circus of what follows:

Attention vacant, isolated,
waiting patient paved in concentrated
constant hatred, pensioned motivation,
sense of self construct a feel that's well sedated.
So surreal,
won't play some games unless it's grey
and Hell-related.

His magnus opus is a focus of a mind that's lost and traded,
(that's the cost of ego when it's faded)
orchestrated callous roses withering on past-tense totems.
What's his motives? Casket closures
dosed on hope that grope his nasty moments.
Last to see what no one sees,
climbs alone to raise the bar
of the phase to be
the face and grace of dying stars.

Stopped inviting, dropped the lighting,
living in a 2D world that color mutants fighting.
Journaled sightings where his words contort absurd,
so in turn...
Who will read his urn
with stern and "nuanced" writing?
Digging graves for broken kings
with Pompeii-Phoenix wings
crafted from debris of nasa's ships.
It's the shit that beat Apollo
turning queens to leaves and trees.
Such desire for destruction juggle struggle in itself;
another truth in which he dwell,
and just can't seem to swallow
in his version of a cell.

His bland shadow led astray
to form a shell betting happiness on lotto every day.
Hell is what he's too weak and blind to flee,
while the vision of the world is what our light can be!

What he's confined and forced to see in Plato's grotto...

... Is that anyone's stamina ...
gets limited to their own souls camera.
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I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave,
So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave.


www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o

Last edited by Objective; 01-27-2021 at 07:59 PM.
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Old 02-01-2021, 12:26 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenhal0 View Post
Homeland Mystification

My climb to power was for my own improvement
no matter how far these cameras zoom in I focus threw it
government agencies harnessing surveillance blueprints
using location data to trace your recent movements
nice rhymes but the multi is off in last line
exerting social control, turning security company's into trolls
using technologies On their own thank god i ain't no civilian clone
remain home they want ya health and all control
enforce every tool at their disposal
spy drones with 1000x megapixel mobile
locate you within seconds anywhere global
cool section
I stay vocal that's why im a threat to public safety
personal privacy comes from higher senses if karma's hasty
call me the invasive norm we watch you while you sleep
as you travel interstates and parks fire escapes and dorms
interesting rhyme scheme
I only see what I can't crop
the things I witness will make a man drop
murders that I cant stop perverts uploading to there laptop
smile for the camera bring fire to the sandbox
higher-powered surveillance facial recognition
inner eye clearance birds eye view watching all the by-standards
with bi standards bi-polar hot tempered and vice mannered
some of this is cool
data-minded traffic evoke political agendas
based on unwise actions live feeds are state power
we watch you everyday and hour in the shower
put a red dot on ya head like a plane tower
surveillance measures for my own interests
appropriate and effective scoped you on the entrance
using software to classify your camera color coded essence
nanobot nodes attached to your DNA chromosomes
feel like there's a climax coming. heightened conflict up to this point
it's in the air you breathe powerless to challenge the fight
balancing values of human rights while recording you at night
prove what it's like the strongest satellite
couldn't capture what i read or write
I viewed restricted sites where black magicians killed for religious rites
thumbprint access opens doors to bigger heights
zeitgeist, facial-recognition life you been identified
based on your lack of rhythmic spice
facial-recognition was used earlier in the verse, try to vary word choice. what is rhythmic spice?
privacy invader , highly invasive they know you by your first name
exclaim threw the monitors ill be ya savior , ill see ya later
they put cameras in your vaccinations , go-pros on ya head
decapitations , the hidden eye of the masons , digital spy
i get the thematic tie ins but this section feels jumbled
I be amazing saying this , here's some guidelines to minimize patient risk.


1. Solidify relationships , and watch who you acquainted with.

2. Silence has faith in it , the words you type and speak get recorded on the data strip.

3. Cameras can't capture the thoughts you thinking with , use them wisely
realize the real eye's you seeing with.
really like the closer. you stepped up the flow and ended on a meaningful note
nice verse. has its ups and downs. the stream of consciousness style can be hit or miss for me. its okay to jump around in the verse but if you don't give the reader a path to connect things together its easy to leave them behind and confused. ended on a strong note, which is always a good way to end.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Objective View Post
He terminate what's hollow
with bourbon, urban nature and a dollar.
Certain that he's worthless,
earned his social status in the circus of what follows:
cool start
Attention vacant, isolated,
waiting patient paved in concentrated
constant hatred, pensioned motivation,
sense of self construct a feel that's well sedated.
So surreal,
won't play some games unless it's grey
and Hell-related.
like the internals and flow. short lines are working for the flow but are making it take longer to develop your story

His magnus opus is a focus of a mind that's lost and traded,
(that's the cost of ego when it's faded)
orchestrated callous roses withering on past-tense totems.
What's his motives? Casket closures
dosed on hope that grope his nasty moments.
rhymes are fire here. like this section
Last to see what no one sees,
climbs alone to raise the bar
of the phase to be
the face and grace of dying stars.
cool rhymes

Stopped inviting, dropped the lighting,
living in a 2D world that color mutants fighting.
Journaled sightings where his words contort absurd,
so in turn...
Who will read his urn
with stern and "nuanced" writing?
this is nice imagery
Digging graves for broken kings
with Pompeii-Phoenix wings
crafted from debris of nasa's ships.
It's the shit that beat Apollo
turning queens to leaves and trees.
i don't understand where you're going with this now
Such desire for destruction juggle struggle in itself;
another truth in which he dwell,
and just can't seem to swallow
in his version of a cell.
back to the topic

His bland shadow led astray
to form a shell betting happiness on lotto every day.
Hell is what he's too weak and blind to flee,
while the vision of the world is what our light can be!

What he's confined and forced to see in Plato's grotto...

... Is that anyone's stamina ...
gets limited to their own souls camera.
kind of a weak tie in to the pic.
Enjoyed the read, one of the best rhyming verses in the league this week. I don't think you did an amazing job of tying back to the topic but I could see that you were at least trying to make connections.

Vote: brokenhal0. This is kind of a weird battle to me. Both had solid rhyming technique and connected to the topic pic, but imo objective had a much stronger verse in terms of rhyme while hal0 did a better job with his story/topic. I could see this going either way based on preference, but to me the topic is a pretty important part of this battle format so I give hal0 the edge for better execution in that context.
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Old 02-01-2021, 06:00 PM   #6
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brokenhal0:
You mispelled "through" as "threw"-- twice.

The theme of the verse is very evident. Big brother and surveillance. Rhyme and flow were for the most part good. There were a few places where I felt you could have used better phrasing or word choice.
I thought the ending was your strong point. It was cool and rhymed well and tied it together nicely.

Objective:
Interesting piece. I'm gonna be honest, I was pretty lost, especially in the 4th stanza. Didn't quite understand what you were talking about. The rhymes are there, and the flow is pretty good. I just wish I knew more about what this was about.

Overall, neither verse jumped out at me amazing or as something I will remember forever. brokenhal0 related more to the topic, but was a bit choppy and random with some of his phrases. Had a strong ending though. Objective packed a lot of rhymes in but I didn't grasp what he was writing about. The ending loosely ties to the pic.

I don't WANT to do this, particularly with the lack of voters, but based on my analysis I feel like calling this a draw. Both verses had ups and downs. Neither stood out as a winner, but neither was clearly worse either.
Sorry, that's my vote.
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Old 02-02-2021, 12:30 PM   #7
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Interesting topic for sure. It reminds me of a Banksy work, nonetheless, somewhat satirical in its nature which is quite fun to me personally and not as serious as it might first appear. I think aside from the obvious totalitarian technology taking over type scenario, the focus really has to be on the faceless figure on the climbing frame. Who is that figure, could it be your inner child perhaps - seeking an escape from the norm? There are many outlets it could be applied to, but I may have perhaps toyed with something closer to all our hearts perhaps in this hobby of ours - I could be the one breaking free of its many constraints - under the watchful eyes of my peers (pun always intended of course). Anyway, enough about me, let’s see how you guys have this one...


Brokenhal0: This verse struck me as having similarities to the one you used against Master Rock, which was arguably your showing of the season, the topic itself lends itself to you kindly in that you prefer a more ethereal and abstract style choice over the direct correlation and storytelling. The flow is easily digestible for the most part, picking up noteably toward the middle of the verse but the final numbered bullet points did little for me, in truth, and if anything detracted from the final form. I think you started strong but had a finish that needed more in the way of execution here, even if it did its job in summary, I felt I still needed more in the way of resolution and conclusion than was offered up.

Objective: I enjoyed the mechanics you put into this; the lead character is somewhat of a prisoner of his own thinking (or thoughts) and I think you put a lot of your personal life in this as you drew inspiration. It’s injected in several lines throughout, “Digging graves for broken kings,” was a particular highlight I enjoyed. I wasn’t keen on the formatting, not that it matters, but it seemed more of an attempt for the verse to “seem” longer than it was rather than adding any artistic value to me. I think because of its brevity, perhaps, you wanted to make this feel more of a contest in the viewers eyes by making your piece seem elongated - it works, to an extent, no doubt but I don’t necessarily feel it was needed here to be truthful. I think in terms of purely mechanics and technical abilities you were both evenly matched - but in different areas. Brokenhal0 had more in the way of implied rhythmic cadence and flow coupled with rhyme placement while Objective had more to offer me in terms of multi strings, by way of thoughtful content and again in rhyme placement actually which he has worked hard on in recent months. I think, overall, I favoured Objective in more individual areas I tend to look for than Brokenhal0, and that was the deciding factor for me - overall - with no one particular thing to split the two coming to mind immediately. It’s a close one, as the tie-vote eluded to, but I had Objective here.
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Last edited by sral; 02-02-2021 at 02:01 PM.
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Old 02-02-2021, 01:15 PM   #8
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broken – your writing seems a lot better, impressive throughout, verse was well paced n engaging , the ending passage is dope. you took that pic and ran with it, good job
surveillance measures for my own interests
appropriate and effective scoped you on the entrance
using software to classify your camera color coded essence

this part stood out

object – I liked the flow here, probably too fast paced, lines are too short with no real message in parts
Stopped inviting, dropped the lighting,
living in a 2D world that color mutants fighting.
Journaled sightings where his words contort absurd,
so in turn...
Who will read his urn
with stern and "nuanced" writing?
Digging graves for broken kings
with Pompeii-Phoenix wings
crafted from debris of nasa's ships.
It's the shit that beat Apollo
turning queens to leaves and trees.
Such desire for destruction juggle struggle in itself;
another truth in which he dwell,
and just can't seem to swallow
in his version of a cell.


reads well but more content needed, the ending passed me by which effected my mindset on this...I think brokenhals improvement got the best of you today.

nice battle overall
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