01-13-2021, 01:01 PM | #1 |
low tide in serotonin bay
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,737
Battle Record: 37-28
Champed - GWL Picture Challenge
- Guerrilla Writing League
- Black August II
Rep Power: 15446142 |
WEEK SEVEN: BROKENHAL0 0-1 vs CANDY 1-4 HAL0 WINS
AOWL Season IX WEEK SEVEN
@Candy @brokenhal0 Verse Due: SUNDAY JANUARY 17TH @ 11:59PM EST Line min: 10 Max: 60 Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b] Topic: GOOD LUCK Last edited by Adverse; 01-13-2021 at 09:53 PM. |
01-13-2021, 09:04 PM | #2 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 490
Battle Record: 12-12=4
Champed - AOWL Season IX
Rep Power: 455116 |
Paint the sun as my body seeks the shade
this fire burns deep you can feel the heat for days got me a ladder when I seen the maze as above so below another ghost who can't see it's legs as i breathe another demon plays a song of smog in the deepest rain like a amazonian frog underneath a blade Americans Took a small step while I was deep in space Xinjiang , factory slave state-mandated poverty alleviates a shitty wage the pity is a deity runs the city stage and you new age kids who could careless of the fools they made minorities are being torn away from their own jobs and family brainwashed into systemic poverty by a dying authority the sun im writing is dividing your artery's so your heart will be able to handle the thought of ME the architect beyond the artistry severely impacted labor camps running market based sodomy 13 cents a hour in a world that needs love and sovereignty paid companies play the system per detainee they train you from the day you speak factory slave no way unique this space is mine under a state of mind as the ladder falls im floating in a wayward sky able to upgrade the great design it was perfect in the first place until terrible working conditions rendered it's members dry stop pretending why pick a brush and some paint up make up what you take up a human rights crisis of a global scale you either chose the factory or lose your tail the trail ahead requires skills to build the dead I painted suns on mountains some chose the hills instead so don't be complicit of your reputational cost Even if others are not morally motivated to be taking a loss. Last edited by brokenhal0; 01-14-2021 at 11:10 PM. |
01-13-2021, 10:04 PM | #3 |
Sell Her
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 984
Battle Record: 1-3
Rep Power: 5082452 |
..the sun sonned..
a sonnet from my baby bonnet, my skull splits low brow lulls swell and break through old told rifts rafts of keep me afloat from colour purple hurdle and harness the curfew of heard you i paint and splish splash within clouds of ash never letting my brush bash the lost trash of yesterday surrounding, loud noises pounding virgins vomit honest interpretation promise the wired wisdom forget wordsmiths comments work loads reload and fire backfire to drink the thought of think stings and lift with each blink a prism of prison's pensioned in pink portions ink in fortune stored for future torment rise and fall by the sun of moon orphaned the hands of god felt up to down in caution the clouds they morph in the torrents to its crash so brass if i fell to the grass the sound would be cash walked the ladder of olden to golden now just smashed its a lil diddy but it thrashed til collapsed i must step down for the new growth approaching through snow and hail, the rain drops still roasting i dance on a peg so immortal it ascends my position of prop for all my meats end the time has come the walrus said to die where i lift in disorder sure of the long life i lived one step down from perfection and force worked now i rest on a seabed of once sure hurt so bye, the last stroke of a genius choked i am only happy unknown for the tale untold ..
__________________
curious más curioso y más curioso
Last edited by Candy; 01-16-2021 at 01:39 PM. |
01-18-2021, 08:07 PM | #4 |
Everything's Connected
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Niagara Falls, Canada
Posts: 999
Battle Record: 19-8
Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x)
- GWL Picture challenge(2x)
- Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 10178702 |
brokenhal0:
Well, fuck. Where did this come from? Whole new feel from you - more conventional but it worked. Solid multi's and wording, best I've seen from you. Makes me wonder why you've been fucking around so much with your verses when I see this. This is some top-notch stuff, man. "Paint the sun as my body seeks the shade this fire burns deep you can feel the heat for days got me a ladder when I seen the maze as above so below another ghost who can't see it's legs" - Fire start. Caught me off guard. "minorities are being torn away from their own jobs and family brainwashed into systemic poverty by a dying authority the sun im writing is dividing your artery's so your heart will be able to handle the thought of ME the architect beyond the artistry" - Another great section here. Well written, with impact. Overall this was a great piece. Best I've seen from you, obviously. Stay on this path. Candy: You put a lot of thought into this verse and I appreciate that. You had some flashes of really good writing here and there but it was lost in a sea of barely comprehensible diatribes. I felt lost at points. Wording was off and words were missing or just... not clarified. I did enjoy some of this, it's just hard to really digest your work at times. Which is unfortunate, because the skill peeks its head out occassionally. Sometimes you say things just to say things - They have no discernable meaning. They just... happen to somewhat rhyme. Or be a unique choice of wording. But that doesn't hold weight with me; You have to justify your word choices at all times, either for technical purposes or to progress your story, characters, etc. Think of every line as an opportunity... Don't waste it! Respect for dropping every week and staying with it though. But hal0 opened a new door for himself here... Vote - brokenhal0
__________________
..Passed the Present and Future.. |
01-19-2021, 09:31 PM | #5 | ||
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 913
Battle Record: 14-24
Rep Power: 32898722 |
Quote:
Quote:
Vote: brokenhal0 This would have been a closer battle if Candy made better use of his picture. Both were technically solid pieces but Candy had a slightly higher degree of complexity to his rhymes. Unfortunately the topic seems to have been an afterthought, which isn't great for topical battles. halo drop a solid piece, had some connections to the pic, and that was enough for the win. |
||
01-20-2021, 08:39 AM | #6 | |
Shrewd as evearthed
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Wolverhampton, England
Posts: 8,230
Battle Record: 28-3
Champed - Gimmick Battle League
- The Winter Topical
- Topical Martyrs
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- Lyric Olympics
- Art of Writing League
- Guerrilla Writing League (2x)
- Black August II
Rep Power: 85899391 |
My initial thoughts on the topic itself are almost to try and ignore the obvious pollution filled smoke / save the planet style preachy offering and go against it - opting for something more of the lines of there being a brighter day even at the end of the blackest ladder type scenario. I think a storyline would work well, rather than a straight up topical, here and there’s a great deal of imagery to utilise via metaphors and create something - that route offers the most room for manoeuvre (to me) from a creative standpoint. Let’s see what you guys did...
Quote:
|
|
01-20-2021, 08:47 AM | #7 | |
Shrewd as evearthed
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Wolverhampton, England
Posts: 8,230
Battle Record: 28-3
Champed - Gimmick Battle League
- The Winter Topical
- Topical Martyrs
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- Lyric Olympics
- Art of Writing League
- Guerrilla Writing League (2x)
- Black August II
Rep Power: 85899391 |
Quote:
I think the topic itself lent itself well to you both stylistically in how you approach topics, it wouldn’t have been for everybody but you two were able to weave the visual imagery and sentiment into your own works. Stylistically the two of you were actually quite evenly matched in terms of your visuals you created and shorter lined flows which I always appreciate. BH |
|
01-20-2021, 11:57 AM | #8 |
low tide in serotonin bay
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,737
Battle Record: 37-28
Champed - GWL Picture Challenge
- Guerrilla Writing League
- Black August II
Rep Power: 15446142 |
Honestly don’t know what got into Hal0 this week, especially at the speed he wrote this. I’m used to seeing a more disconnected hal0, somebody who doesn’t relate back to his picture too often and sort of rhymes himself in circles, though his rhymes are usually technically solid they aren’t always super coherent. I guess I wrote him off this week and he proved me wrong, his opening bars resonated with me and painted the picture of his piece clearly
“Paint the sun as my body seeks the shade this fire burns deep you can feel the heat for days got me a ladder when I seen the maze as above so below another ghost who can't see it's legs” Dope. I liked this section honestly this one “ severely impacted labor camps running market based sodomy 13 cents a hour in a world that needs love and sovereignty paid companies play the system per detainee they train you from the day you speak factory slave no way unique this space is mine under a state of mind as the ladder falls” Though sometimes I can feel you slip away topically you come right back. Sort of painting this picture of corruption in the world especially in higher up positions. In the end you’ve just got to paint a sun on the clouds and pretend it’s all okay. Good job here. Candy: I think you’re a terrific writer, I really love the visuals that you paint and the language. Whether it be a great vocabulary or the use of alliteration or just very small details such as that. Case in point “of yesterday surrounding, loud noises pounding virgins vomit honest interpretation promise the wired wisdom forget wordsmiths comments work loads reload and fire backfire to drink the thought of think stings and lift with each blink a prism of prison's pensioned in pink portions“ My only complaint with your work is it has not paid off in a topical sense, I think you could use a few more tie-ins to your topic picture to remind yourself what your focus should be on, we’ve got to feel that connection that’s a huge part of topicals to me. I think Hal0 followed the picture more carefully and had a better crafted piece this week V/Hal0 |
01-20-2021, 11:22 PM | #9 |
( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3,783
Battle Record: 17-32
Rep Power: 52474188 |
brokenhal0 - Liking the first 4 lines and interested to see where you're going with this.
as i breathe another demon plays a song of smog in the deepest rain like a amazonian frog underneath a blade ^ Like what you're going for here. I would still recommend to try and match the syllables somewhat as the second line is a bit stretched and didn't flow as well. Also "a amazonian" breaks up the reading a lil, "an amazonian frog" would read better here I think due to "two A's" so close to each other. Closure is cool with a message as well and wraps up it up. Enjoyed the content matter but execution of certain lines is a bit patchy here and there. I think a small part of that is because it works well in your head, but as a reader it can be difficult to quite get it right away, at least for me. Punctuation will help with that, so I recommend implementing that into your pieces. That said, enjoyed the read and what you were going for. Candy - Flows better than broken halos imo, but like him punctuation could help you out here and there even tho it's not as needed as it was with his. I see improvements to your pieces but sometimes sacrifice meaning for rhymes. Remember, rhymes is just a tool but not the main one, getting a clear message across is more important than flow and rhymepatterns, which is what you're losing my vote on here. Sticking to the topic a bit more is also another thing I would like to stress, but you're improving which is cool to see. Stick to the league, listen to feedback given and you'll defo grow quite a bit by the end of this. Normally I don't read other peoples votes before I've posted mine but brain feels a bit scrambled atm so looking for proper phrasings, already put my vote in before going there tho. Fraze put it nicely with this: "like the internal rhyming but feels like word soup in places. incomplete thoughts that rhyme", read up on assonance and incorporate that a little bit more and you'll see a smoother transition in your already good understanding of rhyme patterns, it'll bring your pen game to the next level and flow buttery off the tongue as the reader follows your mindscape. That coupled with asking yourself "what do I mean by this?" cus patterns is something the brain loves and makes us think it fits, saying "us" cus I'm defo guilty of that sometimes too, I think everyone is/has to a degree until they reach a certain level. future torment/moon orphaned ^I like this but again, the flow kinda dwindled a little bit for me with "moon orphaned" as it's 3 syllables while "future torment" is 4. 3 to close up the couplet breaks it a little for that buttery feel. Your ideas are dope, you just gotta solve the puzzle. You're getting there tho, keep writing. Vote - brokenhal0, content and topic-wise (apologize to both for my rather lackluster vote, hope y'all got something out of it tho)
__________________
I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave,
So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o |
Thread Tools | |
Display Modes | |
|
|