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Old 01-13-2021, 01:01 PM   #1
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Default WEEK SEVEN: BROKENHAL0 0-1 vs CANDY 1-4 HAL0 WINS

AOWL Season IX WEEK SEVEN
@Candy @brokenhal0

Verse Due: SUNDAY JANUARY 17TH @ 11:59PM EST


Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b]

Topic:



GOOD LUCK

Last edited by Adverse; 01-13-2021 at 09:53 PM.
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Old 01-13-2021, 09:04 PM   #2
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Paint the sun as my body seeks the shade
this fire burns deep you can feel the heat for days
got me a ladder when I seen the maze
as above so below another ghost who can't see it's legs
as i breathe another demon plays a song of smog
in the deepest rain like a amazonian frog underneath a blade
Americans Took a small step while I was deep in space
Xinjiang , factory slave state-mandated poverty alleviates
a shitty wage the pity is a deity runs the city stage
and you new age kids who could careless of the fools they made
minorities are being torn away from their own jobs and family
brainwashed into systemic poverty by a dying authority
the sun im writing is dividing your artery's so your heart will be
able to handle the thought of ME the architect beyond the artistry
severely impacted labor camps running market based sodomy
13 cents a hour in a world that needs love and sovereignty
paid companies play the system per detainee
they train you from the day you speak factory slave no way unique
this space is mine under a state of mind as the ladder falls
im floating in a wayward sky able to upgrade the great design
it was perfect in the first place until terrible working conditions
rendered it's members dry stop pretending why
pick a brush and some paint up make up what you take up
a human rights crisis of a global scale
you either chose the factory or lose your tail
the trail ahead requires skills to build the dead
I painted suns on mountains some chose the hills instead
so don't be complicit of your reputational cost
Even if others are not morally motivated to be taking a loss.

Last edited by brokenhal0; 01-14-2021 at 11:10 PM.
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Old 01-13-2021, 10:04 PM   #3
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..the sun sonned..

a sonnet from my baby bonnet, my skull splits
low brow lulls swell and break through old told rifts
rafts of keep me afloat from colour purple
hurdle and harness the curfew of heard you
i paint and splish splash within clouds of ash
never letting my brush bash the lost trash
of yesterday surrounding, loud noises pounding
virgins vomit honest interpretation promise
the wired wisdom forget wordsmiths comments
work loads reload and fire backfire to drink
the thought of think stings and lift with each blink
a prism of prison's pensioned in pink portions
ink in fortune stored for future torment
rise and fall by the sun of moon orphaned
the hands of god felt up to down in caution
the clouds they morph in the torrents to its crash
so brass if i fell to the grass the sound would be cash
walked the ladder of olden to golden now just smashed
its a lil diddy but it thrashed til collapsed
i must step down for the new growth approaching
through snow and hail, the rain drops still roasting
i dance on a peg so immortal it ascends
my position of prop for all my meats end
the time has come the walrus said to die where i lift
in disorder sure of the long life i lived

one step down from perfection and force worked
now i rest on a seabed of once sure hurt
so bye, the last stroke of a genius choked
i am only happy unknown for the tale untold

..
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Last edited by Candy; 01-16-2021 at 01:39 PM.
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Old 01-18-2021, 08:07 PM   #4
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brokenhal0:

Well, fuck. Where did this come from? Whole new feel from you - more conventional but it worked. Solid multi's and wording, best I've seen from you. Makes me wonder why you've been fucking around so much with your verses when I see this. This is some top-notch stuff, man.

"Paint the sun as my body seeks the shade
this fire burns deep you can feel the heat for days
got me a ladder when I seen the maze
as above so below another ghost who can't see it's legs
"

- Fire start. Caught me off guard.

"minorities are being torn away from their own jobs and family
brainwashed into systemic poverty by a dying authority
the sun im writing is dividing your artery's so your heart will be
able to handle the thought of ME the architect beyond the artistry"


- Another great section here. Well written, with impact.

Overall this was a great piece. Best I've seen from you, obviously. Stay on this path.


Candy:

You put a lot of thought into this verse and I appreciate that. You had some flashes of really good writing here and there but it was lost in a sea of barely comprehensible diatribes. I felt lost at points. Wording was off and words were missing or just... not clarified. I did enjoy some of this, it's just hard to really digest your work at times. Which is unfortunate, because the skill peeks its head out occassionally.

Sometimes you say things just to say things - They have no discernable meaning. They just... happen to somewhat rhyme. Or be a unique choice of wording. But that doesn't hold weight with me; You have to justify your word choices at all times, either for technical purposes or to progress your story, characters, etc. Think of every line as an opportunity... Don't waste it!

Respect for dropping every week and staying with it though.

But hal0 opened a new door for himself here...


Vote - brokenhal0
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Old 01-19-2021, 09:31 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenhal0 View Post
Paint the sun as my body seeks the shade
this fire burns deep you can feel the heat for days
got me a ladder when I seen the maze
as above so below another ghost who can't see it's legs
strong opening, solid rhymes.
as i breathe another demon plays a song of smog
in the deepest rain like a amazonian frog underneath a blade
Americans Took a small step while I was deep in space
Xinjiang , factory slave state-mandated poverty alleviates
not sure where this is going yet
a shitty wage the pity is a deity runs the city stage
and you new age kids who could careless of the fools they made
minorities are being torn away from their own jobs and family
brainwashed into systemic poverty by a dying authority
still not sure. rhymes are carrying but this is pretty abstract
the sun im writing is dividing your artery's so your heart will be
able to handle the thought of ME the architect beyond the artistry
severely impacted labor camps running market based sodomy
13 cents a hour in a world that needs love and sovereignty
this is nice. connecting back to over-industrialized society
paid companies play the system per detainee
they train you from the day you speak factory slave no way unique
this space is mine under a state of mind as the ladder falls
im floating in a wayward sky able to upgrade the great design
rhyming is off. continuing the exploitation theme
it was perfect in the first place until terrible working conditions
rendered it's members dry stop pretending why
pick a brush and some paint up make up what you take up
a human rights crisis of a global scale
you either chose the factory or lose your tail
rhyming is rough in this section.
the trail ahead requires skills to build the dead
I painted suns on mountains some chose the hills instead
so don't be complicit of your reputational cost
Even if others are not morally motivated to be taking a loss.
another picture tie in. ending feels underwhelming
Solid piece technically and you definitely connected to your picture, but it was pretty abstract through out. You said 'paint the sun' three times in the verse. I get that's the picture, but try to say it in different ways and take some different angles. The ending didn't give me much of a sense of closure. Still not sure what the purpose of the piece was, but quality rhyming kept it interesting to read.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Candy View Post
..the sun sonned..

a sonnet from my baby bonnet, my skull splits
low brow lulls swell and break through old told rifts
rafts of keep me afloat from colour purple
hurdle and harness the curfew of heard you
rhyming is ok, but wording is weird. feels like there are words missing
i paint and splish splash within clouds of ash
never letting my brush bash the lost trash
of yesterday surrounding, loud noises pounding
virgins vomit honest interpretation promise
the wired wisdom forget wordsmiths comments
like the internal rhyming but feels like word soup in places. incomplete thoughts that rhyme
work loads reload and fire backfire to drink
the thought of think stings and lift with each blink
a prism of prison's pensioned in pink portions
ink in fortune stored for future torment
cool internal rhymes but not sure what you're trying to say
rise and fall by the sun of moon orphaned
the hands of god felt up to down in caution
the clouds they morph in the torrents to its crash
so brass if i fell to the grass the sound would be cash
see above
walked the ladder of olden to golden now just smashed
its a lil diddy but it thrashed til collapsed
i must step down for the new growth approaching
through snow and hail, the rain drops still roasting
i feel like im tripping on acid
i dance on a peg so immortal it ascends
my position of prop for all my meats end
the time has come the walrus said to die where i lift
in disorder sure of the long life i lived
still not sure

one step down from perfection and force worked
now i rest on a seabed of once sure hurt
so bye, the last stroke of a genius choked
i am only happy unknown for the tale untold
cool story
..
I liked the rhyming but couldn't piece together a story or narrative. Also couldn't parse a connection to the topic. I really liked some of your rhyming sections but would have liked to see a more coherent piece.

Vote: brokenhal0 This would have been a closer battle if Candy made better use of his picture. Both were technically solid pieces but Candy had a slightly higher degree of complexity to his rhymes. Unfortunately the topic seems to have been an afterthought, which isn't great for topical battles. halo drop a solid piece, had some connections to the pic, and that was enough for the win.
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Old 01-20-2021, 08:39 AM   #6
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My initial thoughts on the topic itself are almost to try and ignore the obvious pollution filled smoke / save the planet style preachy offering and go against it - opting for something more of the lines of there being a brighter day even at the end of the blackest ladder type scenario. I think a storyline would work well, rather than a straight up topical, here and there’s a great deal of imagery to utilise via metaphors and create something - that route offers the most room for manoeuvre (to me) from a creative standpoint. Let’s see what you guys did...




Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenhal0 View Post
Paint the sun as my body seeks the shade
this fire burns deep you can feel the heat for days
got me a ladder when I seen the maze
as above so below another ghost who can't see it's legs

This is nice, very in-keeping with my initial thoughts, a strong carry over rhyme and implied rhythmic cadence to it also. I liked the “as above, so below” angle there with the image provided.


as i breathe another demon plays a song of smog
in the deepest rain like a amazonian frog underneath a blade


Nice switch up to the scheme utilised here, different but creative. I don’t see many others doing that.


Americans Took a small step while I was deep in space
Xinjiang , factory slave state-mandated poverty alleviates
a shitty wage the pity is a deity runs the city stage
and you new age kids who could careless of the fools they made
minorities are being torn away from their own jobs and family
brainwashed into systemic poverty by a dying authority
the sun im writing is dividing your artery's so your heart will be
able to handle the thought of ME the architect beyond the artistry


I liked the angle taken here, it went below what’s seen purely on a surface level in the image and you delved below that to develop your own little scenario beyond what’s seen. This was a nice way of using the image topic and flipping it into your own work, going beyond what was shown, and I haven’t overlooked that at all. I appreciate it.


severely impacted labor camps running market based sodomy
13 cents a hour in a world that needs love and sovereignty
paid companies play the system per detainee
they train you from the day you speak factory slave no way unique
this space is mine under a state of mind as the ladder falls
im floating in a wayward sky able to upgrade the great design
it was perfect in the first place until terrible working conditions
rendered it's members dry stop pretending why

Again, the switch up on the rhyme scheme here catches the readers attention because you use it well - sticking to a more standardised format before changing things up on them in the clincher. It’s a risk, no doubt, but I feel like it’s paid off because it works (for me at least!)

pick a brush and some paint up make up what you take up
a human rights crisis of a global scale
you either chose the factory or lose your tail
the trail ahead requires skills to build the dead
I painted suns on mountains some chose the hills instead
so don't be complicit of your reputational cost
Even if others are not morally motivated to be taking a loss.
I think you had a strong submission this week; a lot to enjoy in terms of the scheming and technical ability. It was essentially a topical piece, rather than a storytelling effort, and that in itself is somewhat of a commodity in a league like this - but it works, and I think in terms of how you went about executing it you took the correct route here with the topic. It was a tough one and you utilised it well, playing to your strengths in flow and technical proficiency. Good work.
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Old 01-20-2021, 08:47 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Candy View Post
..the sun sonned..

a sonnet from my baby bonnet, my skull splits
low brow lulls swell and break through old told rifts
rafts of keep me afloat from colour purple
hurdle and harness the curfew of heard you
i paint and splish splash within clouds of ash
never letting my brush bash the lost trash

I think your rhyming cadence here shone through (pun always intended) but the onomatopoeic word choices also worked well given the content. It’s easily to overlook that stylistic choice, maybe, but I see what you were doing and in contrast with the painted sun against a dark cloud I thought it worked well. Nice word usage.


of yesterday surrounding, loud noises pounding
virgins vomit honest interpretation promise
the wired wisdom forget wordsmiths comments
work loads reload and fire backfire to drink
the thought of think stings and lift with each blink
a prism of prison's pensioned in pink portions

The alliteration stands out, but “prism of prisons” was a nice visual to accompany those towers seen in the distance here I thought.


ink in fortune stored for future torment
rise and fall by the sun of moon orphaned
the hands of god felt up to down in caution
the clouds they morph in the torrents to its crash
so brass if i fell to the grass the sound would be cash


LOL this was a good idea I thought.

walked the ladder of olden to golden now just smashed
its a lil diddy but it thrashed til collapsed
i must step down for the new growth approaching
through snow and hail, the rain drops still roasting
i dance on a peg so immortal it ascends
my position of prop for all my meats end
the time has come the walrus said to die where i lift
in disorder sure of the long life i lived

one step down from perfection and force worked
now i rest on a seabed of once sure hurt
so bye, the last stroke of a genius choked
i am only happy unknown for the tale untold

..
The closing lines were some of your strongest there, I especially enjoyed “one step down from perfection,” which was another great visual snippet.


I think the topic itself lent itself well to you both stylistically in how you approach topics, it wouldn’t have been for everybody but you two were able to weave the visual imagery and sentiment into your own works. Stylistically the two of you were actually quite evenly matched in terms of your visuals you created and shorter lined flows which I always appreciate. BH
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Old 01-20-2021, 11:57 AM   #8
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Honestly don’t know what got into Hal0 this week, especially at the speed he wrote this. I’m used to seeing a more disconnected hal0, somebody who doesn’t relate back to his picture too often and sort of rhymes himself in circles, though his rhymes are usually technically solid they aren’t always super coherent. I guess I wrote him off this week and he proved me wrong, his opening bars resonated with me and painted the picture of his piece clearly

“Paint the sun as my body seeks the shade
this fire burns deep you can feel the heat for days
got me a ladder when I seen the maze
as above so below another ghost who can't see it's legs”

Dope. I liked this section honestly this one

“ severely impacted labor camps running market based sodomy
13 cents a hour in a world that needs love and sovereignty
paid companies play the system per detainee
they train you from the day you speak factory slave no way unique
this space is mine under a state of mind as the ladder falls”

Though sometimes I can feel you slip away topically you come right back. Sort of painting this picture of corruption in the world especially in higher up positions. In the end you’ve just got to paint a sun on the clouds and pretend it’s all okay. Good job here.

Candy:
I think you’re a terrific writer, I really love the visuals that you paint and the language. Whether it be a great vocabulary or the use of alliteration or just very small details such as that. Case in point

“of yesterday surrounding, loud noises pounding
virgins vomit honest interpretation promise
the wired wisdom forget wordsmiths comments
work loads reload and fire backfire to drink
the thought of think stings and lift with each blink
a prism of prison's pensioned in pink portions“

My only complaint with your work is it has not paid off in a topical sense, I think you could use a few more tie-ins to your topic picture to remind yourself what your focus should be on, we’ve got to feel that connection that’s a huge part of topicals to me.

I think Hal0 followed the picture more carefully and had a better crafted piece this week

V/Hal0
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Old 01-20-2021, 11:22 PM   #9
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brokenhal0 - Liking the first 4 lines and interested to see where you're going with this.

as i breathe another demon plays a song of smog
in the deepest rain like a amazonian frog underneath a blade
^ Like what you're going for here. I would still recommend to try and match the syllables somewhat as the second line is a bit stretched and didn't flow as well. Also "a amazonian" breaks up the reading a lil, "an amazonian frog" would read better here I think due to "two A's" so close to each other.

Closure is cool with a message as well and wraps up it up. Enjoyed the content matter but execution of certain lines is a bit patchy here and there. I think a small part of that is because it works well in your head, but as a reader it can be difficult to quite get it right away, at least for me. Punctuation will help with that, so I recommend implementing that into your pieces.

That said, enjoyed the read and what you were going for.

Candy - Flows better than broken halos imo, but like him punctuation could help you out here and there even tho it's not as needed as it was with his. I see improvements to your pieces but sometimes sacrifice meaning for rhymes. Remember, rhymes is just a tool but not the main one, getting a clear message across is more important than flow and rhymepatterns, which is what you're losing my vote on here. Sticking to the topic a bit more is also another thing I would like to stress, but you're improving which is cool to see. Stick to the league, listen to feedback given and you'll defo grow quite a bit by the end of this.

Normally I don't read other peoples votes before I've posted mine but brain feels a bit scrambled atm so looking for proper phrasings, already put my vote in before going there tho. Fraze put it nicely with this: "like the internal rhyming but feels like word soup in places. incomplete thoughts that rhyme", read up on assonance and incorporate that a little bit more and you'll see a smoother transition in your already good understanding of rhyme patterns, it'll bring your pen game to the next level and flow buttery off the tongue as the reader follows your mindscape. That coupled with asking yourself "what do I mean by this?" cus patterns is something the brain loves and makes us think it fits, saying "us" cus I'm defo guilty of that sometimes too, I think everyone is/has to a degree until they reach a certain level.

future torment/moon orphaned
^I like this but again, the flow kinda dwindled a little bit for me with "moon orphaned" as it's 3 syllables while "future torment" is 4. 3 to close up the couplet breaks it a little for that buttery feel.

Your ideas are dope, you just gotta solve the puzzle. You're getting there tho, keep writing.

Vote - brokenhal0, content and topic-wise (apologize to both for my rather lackluster vote, hope y'all got something out of it tho)
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