WEEK SEVEN: MASTER ROCK 3-3 vs MR. J 3-3 MASTER ROCK WINS

[Adverse]

AOWL Season IX WEEK SEVEN

@Mr. J @Master Rock

Verse Due: SUNDAY JANUARY 17TH @ 11:59PM EST


Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b]

Topic:



GOOD LUCK

[Adverse]

Master Rock requested an extension @Mr. J

[Mr. J]

Easy

[Adverse]

@Master Rock you around?

[Master Rock]

Through the midst of the night when it all hit the fan
my flesh began to crawl as the muck commenced its expand
dazed and confused I can taste the rumbling drips of evil perfusing
while I gaze at water glass at my bedstand as the ripples protruding
my dwelling is being besieged I can hear the footsteps outside crackling of leaves as they draw near macerating my dreamland
my whole bed shook, as the terror creeps in before I felt them ram
shattering the door frame, "BAM!" devastating my thoughts as they ran
a mile to infinite, " Am I dreaming?, Who's there? Who is it?"
I'm shaken fully aware, discerning the shadows under my door while my mother's shrieks began and the violence slams
I reach for the nearest weapon, pencil-drawn in my hand
I watched the doorknob shift as I gasped for breath
my heart beats so loud I can hear in my chest
I am ready to strike in a blink of an eye the intruders broke through the door pressed barrels to my neck
directing me to remove myself down from where I rest
I drop the pencil placing my hands up high as I weep, "why?", in distress. No answer, just soulless in their eyes and sibilance as if they're possessed
I drop to my knees, begging to escape, I'm dragged by my hair while my knees bleed from being scrape across my room to the outside gate
I asked them, "There's Mom, Dad, and Grace?"
Then suddenly, I felt the brunt end of the rifle strike upon my face
The stars I chase, in the mirage I wake, wondering, "I how did I end up with this fate?"
I am so lost in my reality that its surface fractures break
My worlds collapse, as well as my demise, has been shaped
In the dead city, I have been placed
I never knew that hollowness has a sound
it must be the wailings of the fallen that have cursed the ground
So dry, desolate, and cold
I curl into fetal position wishing that I can feel the warmth of my mother's hold
As the moisture dissipates
I'm left alone just waiting for the dust to take my place

[Mr. J]

This town gave me my moment to shine then took it
How can you blame me for trying what they wouldn't?
Followers of the same dream, blinded by just looking
Couldn't force time to backtrack with the same scheme
Hooded figures line the wall while my mind daydreams
Rooted like a vine I see their shadows climb....waiting
What's the next move? Got a bullet for any escapee...
They expect you to play into the bullshit and make peace
They gonna test you on the pulpit until the mistakes seen
This is not eventful, at my fullest potential they can't chase me.
Can I be outran or overrun? Where is the next culprit from?
What about plans that share exit strategies over trust...?
On the outskirts of our land I'm left with a lot to overcome
I hear the tears of the hopeless crying in the open...
The appearance of fear had their numbers sloping.
Now they hoping for me to clear up their little crises
No matter how little it might be I know they bitter nightly
Putting their life aside so they could of riddled like me
Leaving bodies in my wake, making the hobbyists irate
"Watch what I made" type that wannabe like the greats
Overcompensating with a bad attitude and a divas grace
I seen your fate.. but denied the need unless challenged
A city with less balance that misquotes, stresses standards
Collapsing to an idealogy that left them at each others throat
After they left it to me...I haven't seen another soul.
That could match wits when we read each other's flow's
Seems kind of embarrassing when you see them come & go
But when you need a reason to stay hype..you reap what you sow

[Universe]

Master Rock:

Great story and visuals on display here. Wasn't a big fan of the flow of this piece but the depths you've been reaching recently are impressive. I honestly didn't think much of you when you first no-showed in the GWL then started here, but you've changed my mind over these last few weeks. You can write.

Also, you have really cleared up your grammatical and spelling errors - I can tell you are editing and proofreading now, and it shows. This is some polished stuff compared to earlier stuff I've read from you. It's not perfect, as I still can pick out some issues here and there, but it's MILES better.

Watch out for stuff like this though...

"The stars I chase, in the mirage I wake, wondering, "I how did I end up with this fate?""

- "I how did I end up..." You should've caught that one my man.

Again, the flow is an issue for me here but I'm feeling the concept and the story so I can look passed it. Loved the ending...

"In the dead city, I have been placed
I never knew that hollowness has a sound
it must be the wailings of the fallen that have cursed the ground
So dry, desolate, and cold
I curl into fetal position wishing that I can feel the warmth of my mother's hold
As the moisture dissipates
I'm left alone just waiting for the dust to take my place"

- This was a great way to conclude the piece, and more importantly, there were no errors present.

Overall a good verse here, Master Rock. Enjoyable read for sure.


Mr. J:

First of all, you missed the deadline. Don't know if Adverse will allow this but it has to be noted. Also, you haven't really significantly voted on anything in all your time here, and have recently developed a shitty attitude. Again, I haven't read your verse yet but these are things that need to be said and addressed.

Alright, now down to brass tacks... Flow was on point as always. Comparing the two verses in this category is no comparison. I've always been impressed with your effortless flow and casual multi's. I can tell you are naturally talented at this, and so can everyone here... I just think the thing you are lacking is commitment to a long-term writing process. I don't think you put the effort in that you should. It would be scary if you did, because you are quite good...

The problem here is the loose connection to the topic. You had a few references but nothing that really stood out. You didn't fully embrace it like Master Rock did. You sort of skimmed over the surface of it and hoped that your superior technical ability would be enough. I'm not sure it is.

And you tried some meta shit at the end there, even throwing some shade at yours truly. But unfortunately at 3-3 (and soon to be 3-4) and with an L already in the books against me, your ping doesn't even make my radar.


Vote - Master Rock

[Adverse]

Master Rock
Man this was a nice read, there’s some dope vocabulary and imagery. Flow is a little choppy at points I thought some lines didn’t rhyme whatsoever but turns out they were just verrrrrryyyy long. That doesn’t bother me much because I’ve definitely dipped into that foray as well. But I think you’re leaps and bounds ahead of where you started even this season, I like how you brought the topic to life here. The part Universe posted resonates with me most as well I especially liked the line “I never knew hallowness had a sound” that just evokes the senses and gets the reader even more involved thought this was a strong piece on your end. Keep writing like that and you’ll find yourself in another champion match.

Mr. J
Your flow is naturally smooth man. It’s just a great ride every time. I too found you a little disconnected from the topic. It’s understandable because of you not even knowing you were signed in until the last second, I apologize for that again. I kind of liked the little meta section at the end and all the subtle jabs reminded me of what I did in black August vs Lars , but i again just didn’t feel like it connected to the picture all the way. I’m going to give a better breakdown in the mag but for now I’d rock with Rock his verse resonated with me more and really took all categories except flow

V/Master Rock

[fraze]

Originally Posted by Master Rock

Through the midst of the night when it all hit the fan
my flesh began to crawl as the muck commenced its expand
dazed and confused I can taste the rumbling drips of evil perfusing
while I gaze at water glass at my bedstand as the ripples protruding
simple rhymes. if your lines are close to verging on long bar you're going to want to use more internal rhymes to maintain the flow.
my dwelling is being besieged I can hear the footsteps outside crackling of leaves as they draw near macerating my dreamland
my whole bed shook, as the terror creeps in before I felt them ram
shattering the door frame, "BAM!" devastating my thoughts as they ran
a mile to infinite, " Am I dreaming?, Who's there? Who is it?"
I'm shaken fully aware, discerning the shadows under my door while my mother's shrieks began and the violence slams
cool story development. still light on rhymes
I reach for the nearest weapon, pencil-drawn in my hand
I watched the doorknob shift as I gasped for breath
my heart beats so loud I can hear in my chest
I am ready to strike in a blink of an eye the intruders broke through the door pressed barrels to my neck
directing me to remove myself down from where I rest
the plot thickens
I drop the pencil placing my hands up high as I weep, "why?", in distress. No answer, just soulless in their eyes and sibilance as if they're possessed
I drop to my knees, begging to escape, I'm dragged by my hair while my knees bleed from being scrape across my room to the outside gate
rhyming is off here to me, but story is progressing well
I asked them, "There's Mom, Dad, and Grace?"
Then suddenly, I felt the brunt end of the rifle strike upon my face
The stars I chase, in the mirage I wake, wondering, "I how did I end up with this fate?"
I am so lost in my reality that its surface fractures break
My worlds collapse, as well as my demise, has been shaped
In the dead city, I have been placed
tying everything back to the pic. this feels a little disjointed but it works.
I never knew that hollowness has a sound
it must be the wailings of the fallen that have cursed the ground
So dry, desolate, and cold
I curl into fetal position wishing that I can feel the warmth of my mother's hold
As the moisture dissipates
I'm left alone just waiting for the dust to take my place
like the ending

Enjoyable piece. Cool story, I enjoyed the read, tho the picture tie in feels like it was hacked on to the end.

Originally Posted by Mr. J

This town gave me my moment to shine then took it
How can you blame me for trying what they wouldn't?
Followers of the same dream, blinded by just looking
nice rhyming open
Couldn't force time to backtrack with the same scheme
Hooded figures line the wall while my mind daydreams
Rooted like a vine I see their shadows climb....waiting
What's the next move? Got a bullet for any escapee...
They expect you to play into the bullshit and make peace
They gonna test you on the pulpit until the mistakes seen
This is not eventful, at my fullest potential they can't chase me.
strong section of multis. like the confidence in your flow
Can I be outran or overrun? Where is the next culprit from?
What about plans that share exit strategies over trust...?
On the outskirts of our land I'm left with a lot to overcome
ok. just rhyming, not seeing much direction in the piece
I hear the tears of the hopeless crying in the open...
The appearance of fear had their numbers sloping.
Now they hoping for me to clear up their little crises
No matter how little it might be I know they bitter nightly
Putting their life aside so they could of riddled like me
Leaving bodies in my wake, making the hobbyists irate
"Watch what I made" type that wannabe like the greats
Overcompensating with a bad attitude and a divas grace
rhymes have gotten simpler
I seen your fate.. but denied the need unless challenged
A city with less balance that misquotes, stresses standards
Collapsing to an idealogy that left them at each others throat
After they left it to me...I haven't seen another soul.
That could match wits when we read each other's flow's
Seems kind of embarrassing when you see them come & go
But when you need a reason to stay hype..you reap what you sow
this is kind of an unfulfilling ending. a lot of cool ideas in the piece, i was expecting it to build up to something that ties it together.

Strong piece, enjoyed the read but the ending threw me off. I also wasn't able to decipher a relation to the pic.

Vote: Master RockThis was a close battle to me, as it comes down to style preferences. Mr. J has a better piece in terms of the technical aspects but the piece feels disconnected from the topic and lacks closure. Master Rock had a simpler more straightforward piece that also seems unrelated in places but he was able to bring it together for his closing. Normally I would go with the better rhymes and before the ending I would have given this to Mr. J. But the lack of payoff brings the verse down a couple notches for me, which is enough to lose in a close one.

[sral]

Damn, great topic for this instalment. I love the faceless character sat before the concrete wall, almost an artefact of the past remaining in the present somehow by his own tenacity. It reminds me of my still being around all these years later, I guess. In fact, for my money, that may have been how I chose to perceive this image had I been given the topic. I can relate. In my mind this is a monument to a time that was, all but lost in the present day but an ever-present reminder that there’s a lot to learn from those who were around in the past. They’ve been there, seen it all, and paved the way for the current day/crop. This is a monument to them all who came before. A monolith. At least in my head it is. The face of things may have changed, in look or in name, but somethings never change. It’s only those that fail to adapt which are usurped by the change. Imagine that concept in rhyme form and you’ll get where I’m headed somewhat haha! Anyway, those are my initial thoughts toward this topic, let’s see how you guys fared with it...


Master Rock: There were a couple of great descriptive imagery choices included early on that I really enjoyed personally, clever word choices like “crawl”, the “rumbling drips” and “ripples protruding” all helped in painting the reader a mental picture as the events transpired that I thoroughly enjoyed.

outside crackling of leaves as they draw near macerating my dreamland
my whole bed shook, as the terror creeps in before I felt them ram
shattering the door frame, "BAM!" devastating my thoughts as they ran
a mile to infinite, " Am I dreaming?, Who's there? Who is it?"

This section here was really where the storytelling prowess shone, again with the usage of “crackling” of leaves but also in the naturalistic dialogue use that is difficult to nail correctly and the pacing of the story - it suddenly kicks up a notch and changes in the way it’s delivered, quickening the pace, and was a welcome change from the opening lines (although equally good).

I think stylistically this week me and you opted for a similar method of execution, keeping the characters to a select few allowing us to develop them more thoroughly and coupling that with a sharp and crisp exchange of natural dialogue throughout, letting the imagery do the majority of the speaking for us (and the central characters) while showing the reader what transpired rather than simply “telling” them. It’s difficult to pull off successfully as you did and I can appreciate that.

There were some great one-liners throughout and snippets I could also quote but this one in particular stood out to me as it said so much with so little:

I never knew that hollowness has a sound

It’s very succinct and refined and I love it for its simplicity. Your word choices and vocabulary throughout were also impressive, with a polarising ending that I thought was thoroughly in keeping with the image given the dystopian vibe presented throughout. Solid work, Rock.

[sral]

Mr. J: You have a fantastic opening line, I have to give it you there because it serves its purpose exactly - hooking the reader in from the start there and drawing them in to try and find out exactly what it is you’re referring to and why.

From a technical standpoint the mechanics and rhyme scheme are all hitting, you’ve a very natural didactic quality to your writing which I’m also a fan of (and employ regularly) so I can appreciate the dual difficulty in maintaining that degree of difficulty while also keeping up the implied rhyming cadence and flow. It isn’t easy. Far from it. Hats off to you, sir.

The switch up on the fourth line is also a nice touch, deftly handled also - I think I tried something similar myself this week (though not entirely the same, I was toying more back and forth with a particular rhyme) but I just wanted you to know I hadn’t overlooked what you were doing and can fully appreciate the skill level involved behind the surface level skimming some might have missed. I see you.

I could be completely incorrect here, and tell me if I’m way off, but toward the middle section especially I started to sense that you were writing as if this verse was about the current state of the AOWL and your position within it. I actually think this could be about Universe somewhat and recent events, tell me I’m wrong here:

They expect you to play into the bullshit and make peace
They gonna test you on the pulpit until the mistakes seen
This is not eventful, at my fullest potential they can't chase me.
Can I be outran or overrun? Where is the next culprit from?
What about plans that share exit strategies over trust...?
On the outskirts of our land I'm left with a lot to overcome
I hear the tears of the hopeless crying in the open...
The appearance of fear had their numbers sloping.

The mention of “playing into the bullshit,” seemed to be around either voting or needing extensions without prior discussion etc and those people unable to post on time. There was some braggadocio in regard to you “unable to be outrun” etc then the whole “people leaving in tears” thing I took to mean people signing out over a loss or something. You can easily see the correlation to the league, if not the larger beer with Uni (I think he only signed out after this was posted now I think about it more?). The idea definitely resonated though.

The final line was ominous in feeling like this wasn’t Jay done with this at all yet, merely an end to battle - but not the war, his quest continues (to champ possibly?) Anyway, I definitely gauged more from that then some of the other readers by the look of the votes so far, but that was my humble take on things - rightly or wrongly.

Now, while I did enjoy both takes on this and felt this was actually a lot closer than votes make it seem right now for sure, I do have to agree that I felt Master Rock did more in the way of utilising the image to develop his story around it and build this world to house his characters with strong development and natural sounding dialogue - he was more direct in his approach, and execution, while Mr J perhaps took the larger risk here (with the metaphoric message) that perhaps went under the radar somewhat. I think there are weeks where Mr J would have won with that verse but he just came up against an in-form Master Rock this week who caught everyone sleeping somewhat because we didn’t realise he was capable of a verse as good as this. He proved a lot of doubters wrong for sure. I’m going with Master Rock. Good battle, fellas!

Keep those pens moving!

[Pharaohs Army]

After multiple reads I've come to the conclusion:

Mr. J's verse is a bit more technically sound than Master Rock's, but Rock told a compelling story that made me keep reading for more, to see what happens.

Rock had some long lines, but the end rhymes were still there.

J's flow was butter, particularly in the beginning and middle section. Trailed off a bit at the end as far as subject and the direction he was going with the pic. It did not resonate with me as much as Rock's narrative.

The better technical verse will not always win if it doesn't engage the reader as much as the opponent's.

V Master Rock