WEEK FIVE CHAMP MATCH: UNIVERSE 4-0 VS MR J 3-1 UNIVERSE WINS

Adverse · 12-20-2020, 10:33 AM

AOWL Season IX

Verse Due: SUNDAY DECEMBER 27TH, 11:59PM EST TIME

Line min: 10

Max: 50

Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b]

Topic:

Mr. J · 12-20-2020, 11:35 AM

Use as many lines as you need.

Universe · 12-20-2020, 03:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. J

Use as many lines as you need.

Will do lol.

Check.

Universe · 12-27-2020, 10:59 PM

Seconds

*No line limit, as agreed upon

"You’re not a monster. You’re a mirror." - Bryan Lee O' Malley

......

The Waiting Room

I woke up to the clock beeping... It showed a billion and one
Counting heartbeats, down here we're tethered to those living just above
The soul is attached to the body, chained to a still little corpse
I have no needs, I eat what you eat like an unseen umbilical cord
In 31 years I haven't been born; the overhead lamp is a makeshift moon
I'm feeling compartmentalized... And down here is the ultimate waiting room
I'm always beneath in hot pursuit, like I'm haunting your dreams
A zombie in deep, I can feel your heartbeat and I want that for me
We all have a ghost self, one that is constantly attached
Awaiting our death so it can take over our body once it passed
Like kidney stones through intestinal tracts... No wonder I'm involved
You don't know when your heart stops, but I do - it's a number on my wall
I jump when my First falls, nice to say but it's not quite the case
Life's underway, and Seconds are tucked away from the light of day
Only night remains in this tiny maze; We get along but none can tell
A heart can physically rest in your chest but belong to someone else
Won't be long 'til I want the helm; Pushing up daisies with seeds and flowers
You got your eyes to the sky... I'm the anchor that keeps you grounded
I'm sleeps allowance, holding you in high standing while sitting calm
Listening to a song from your lovely voice humming over the intercom
Having it confiscated didn't raise alarms, but a switch of seasons sure did
We are all shackled to a cadaver with our endings pre-determined
Seems we live and breathe only to be eaten alive by the earth
There is no wasted energy - Everything is recycled and turned
Persons above lie under the sun... It's just hide n' seek to us
My mind believes you must feel temperatures rise beneath the mud
Therein lies the rub... I'm asking why give up? Time is retracting
Won't impose my will, whatever pose you're in I will mime it exactly
A vivid reminder of past seams... We will be together forever
Until death do us part, this invisible tether will never be severed
It's short sighted as ever, yet far reaching in hindsight
I hypothesized there's almost 2.5 billion heartbeats per lifetime
At age 31, we've used a billion or so on the way there
Which means our lifespan's almost 78 years - No complaints here
Everyone's born with a built in fail safe, I just happened to be it
I'm happy to admit I'm one of the few still latching to the lid
I don't have to live in your place in truth, full of violence and sadness
I needn't apply mathematics to prove whites detest my black skin
A gray area akin to purgatory; I know up above it's quite a day
Cuz my room just faded, the lights above emitting ultraviolet rays
When it rains sprinkler systems spray... but that's another story
Keys in the lock - I watched as the door to my room swung in toward me...

The Intruder

A man with a clown mask stood before me, his eyes inside just question me
He said, "I'm sorry, there seems to be a change to your First's life expectancy"
"These events are out of our control... Again, my apologies"
He closed the door - I dropped to my knees as the intercom just screamed
My First's voice sobbed and weeped, I hardly believed I heard my tether
Suddenly the digital clock turned off, going black for the first time ever
Then numbers returned... It displayed one hundred and some change
But went down to ninety nine, ninety eight... This must be a mistake!
I looked in the mirror - It appeared broken, actually like it seized
Odd to believe it's counting down to zero faster than I can see
The alarms sound - Red lights floated around this erratic atmosphere
You had so much time left... What the hell is happening up there?
I heard a man's voice over the intercom - I wondered where it might be
He seethed, "Dark meat is my favorite..." then came a terrified scream
Followed by desperate moaning that speeds up before getting slower
I heard my own voice saying "Jesus... Jesus" over and over
Heard it despite the choking sounds; My chest on the right just got tight
Valves switch on... oxygen swapped with carbon monoxide in the pipes
My pupils uplift as I suffocate, no prayers left God can deliver
Then I blacked out as my First stared into the eyes of her killer...

The Space Between

No time for second thoughts - My First's murderer is still at large
I'm feeling charged, I opened my eyes to a night sky filled with stars
Half of me is missing; I'm no longer complete inside it seems
My eyes blinked - the man with the clown mask took a seat beside of me
"Call me Ivan if you want to put a name to the face" he said with a laugh
"What's going on?" I mumbled; Ivan responded, "I thought you'd never ask..."
"What am I?" I gasped; He said, "You're a human being of course"
"We all deserve a second chance in life... You happen to be yours"
"But there's no third... The choice to go above doesn't require introspection"
He said, "I'm saying you're the Second..." I questioned, "Are you talking resurrection?"
"I'm talking a do over - Regeneration would have lingering effects"
"You only live twice... We all think we're First when picturing the end"
"Seconds don't have a mirror's reflection..." I'm a mere spirit in dreams
"You share memories," he said, "and this is how we prepare you to leave"
I remembered to breathe... Time only heals if you don't open the wound
I said "I want to avenge my First's death..." He nodded, "Yeah, most of us do..."
"Who killed me?" I wondered aloud, I was formulating a fight and flight plan
He gazed up at the sky and said, "From what I understand it was a white man"
"That aside feel satisfied... Your First had a soldier's will to survive"
"You're lucky, you know... to be able to go above, still in your prime..."
"Most are over the hill by the time they show up... Best get involved and get closure"
"You have over half a life to live... and Seconds aren't always leftovers..."

The Clearing

Opened my two eyes to a blue sky, not believing I was actually here
Lying in familiar grass of a field - I woke up gasping for air
Traction repaired my thoughts, but waking up in dirt is a drag
That's when I saw men in ski masks packing away my First in a bag
Got my coordinates - The cord that ended my First's life was nearby
When the men left the clearing, a GPS turned up right by my side
I picked up the device to follow the line, no retracing from afar
A blinking red dot on the screen showed the location of a bar...
There was a picture of a blonde man with blue eyes, about middle aged
I doubt I'll relate, I found that my hate had me drowning in rage
The straight blue line told me where to go... an ink blot with no pen
Was once tethered to my First, now I'm tethered to a red dot at the end
I got up and left, the device took me through a city's winding caverns
I tracked down the bar with the GPS... It was labelled, 'Ivan's Tavern'...

The Dive

I sat at the darkest end, with a good view of a blonde haired barkeeper
He didn't spot me when I walked in, but he didn't look very hard either
Part of me wanted to retreat, but I already knew the fate of this man
Throughout the night I turned down advances with a wave of my hand
In fact I barely glanced at my drink, just bided my time 'til after hours
I broke the glass on the counter, pocketing a shard to slash this coward
I acted it out in my mind... I guess I get fairly moody this late
I approached the barkeeper as he was putting chairs and stools away
He turned around and stuttered, "Y-You're dead... I w-watched you die"
"You watched half of me die..." I said, then he let out an awful cry
A piece of broken glass lodged in his thigh, it drew a pattern in his flesh
"White meat is my favorite..." I said, as I stabbed him in the neck
Never had any scruples in the depths, but I knew I had a screw loose
I bound his hands and pulled off his pants, sodomizing him with a pool cue
It came out bloody... I broke it in half and entered him again
He begged for his end... so I slit his throat and dismembered his head
Resembled a Jackson Pollock as he bled; I looked for his cash and wallet
That's when I found the clown mask tucked in his jacket pocket
The room started to spin... I knew it was Ivan, the clown with no face
He began to shake and raised up, his Second now in his place
Like reverse abductions from outer space, but he's around for it after
Men in ski masks bagged up Ivan's First and rushed him out of the Tavern
Ivan's Second said, "I knew I could count on you..." with a bottle in his grasp
He flipped it around and swung it fast - That's when it all went black...

The Clearing

I woke up beneath the sun, leg up, arms behind my head, relaxing
I am actually humming a familiar song as I digest what just happened
This is where my First died exactly... I realized nothing curves time
Cuz I'm still alive, that's the good news - but I wasn't sure why
Ivan entered my line of sight, clown mask on, smelling of beer
"Now I get to experience what my First did," He shrugged, "I wanted to start here"
That smile was more a sneer... He said, "You deserve truth in spades"
"I made you kill your First so you would send MY First to the grave"
"Call it suicide, if you want. But I wasn't trying to wait..."
"To be an old man when I finally got to the other side of the gates..."
"The grass is greener here..." he exclaimed, "You gotta know rape is in the script"
He pulled a knife, "Funny how a piece of grass is called a blade though, isn't it?"
He grazed my neck with the murder weapon, I saw him strained with sweat
He said, "This is all so much sweeter without a safety net..."
I placed a hand on my stomach, protective as birds with their babies nests
That's when Ivan said... "I didn't know YOU knew you were pregnant yet..."
Suddenly I was filled with more than regret; Something living was inside of me
Ivan put the knife to my throat, unzipped his pants and entered me violently
I tried fighting but it was no use, he might as well of tied me up
I bite my tongue, hearing myself yelping "Jesus" every time he thrusts
He finally comes... and here I am naked as naked gets
I wondered, could there be a Third below me, waiting in the depths?
He said, "You'll answer the greatest question yet..." I struggled to regain my breath
Then heard, "After you blow your second chance, what happens after the main event?"

4 Hours Later...

The Crime Scene

A dead female, 31 - She doesn't seem to be an actual victim
No one thing attracting suspicion, except that she's posed in a "relaxing" position
Then rustling of the weeds came, just listen... crunching plants and some footprints
Two Detectives entered the field of play - One man and one woman
Detectives Mike Willow and Annie Garza were tandem forensic experts
They got within a meter, yellow caution tape spanning the perimeter
"There she is..." Willow said; They inspected their findings closer
Garza kneeled over the corpse wincing, she said, "Yikes, he posed her..."
They both knew it was done postmortem when rigor mortis set in
Photos were snapped by the media - Willow reacted, "Don't let any more of them in"
Garza let the body tell the story - Nowadays there's none more common
She rubbed the head, "Victim has skull fractures caused by blunt force trauma"
She was surprised the head wasn't caved in, it shouldn't have withstood the pressure
"This is the definition of overkill... She was strangled as well, for good measure"
Garza didn't need to check her, the victim was sexually assaulted of course
Penetrated vaginally and rectally with a wooden object of sorts
"There's splinters in both cavities." Willow said, fixing his tie and adjusting his suit
Garza wasn't one to assume so she asked, "Any ideas what he used?"
"Could be anything. A shovel maybe? Wooden. That's my guess"
"Maybe it was flipped around... Who knows, nothing has been recovered as of yet"
"Now the main event..." he points - "Victim was cut horizontally to the womb"
"Below the belly button. She was 3 months pregnant - The unborn baby was removed"
"She wouldn't be showing much at 3 months..." Garza mentioned, "How did they know?"
"Someone knew the victim..." Willow said, Garza nodded, "Yeah, someone pretty close"
"I wonder what she thought in those final moments, knowing no one will come to help..."
"Victims tend to compartmentalize trauma, pushing it below to somewhere else"
Sounds like Hell on earth, Garza thought... Although she stayed way above it
She heard, "They hide it deep inside so they can disassociate themselves from it"
"She got what she didn't deserve," Garza said, "This was a start, this wasn't an end"
"Well one thing's for sure... We got to catch this guy before he does it again"
"Let's get her to the coroner, the cadaver is starting to stink up the dirt"
Willow asked, "You think it's his first?" Garza shook her head, "I think it's a HER..."
"A stolen baby is a woman's M.O... so is leaving the body in pose"
"But at 3 months? It's full development is... not even close"
We're in the same boat, Garza thought, floating amidst unusual bloodstreams
She said, "Well the first rule of police work is: Assume you know nothing"
Bugs buzzed in the shrubs, dense enough to not let sunlight through
"Our job is to stop patterns before they happen, keep them as one-off flukes"
Chain of evidence - Whatever today solidifies, yesterday breaks
Nothing is labelled as the first until the second takes place...
"First thing's first..." Willow said, "we don't have much manpower to blow"
"Plus I'd say the first 48 started less than a few hours ago..."
Willow looked down, "Eyewitnesses near the road heard separate sounds"
"But unless they were around, we can't proceed with just any weapon found"
Detective Garza scanned her surroundings, looking for any exit now
Willow checked the watch on his wrist, clock's a ticking...

And every second counts...

To Be Continued...

Mr. J · 12-29-2020, 12:34 AM

In theory we are everything that is and nothing at all
From the tallest building down to something so small
Merely along for the ride until succumbing to the odds
Eventually learning as the answer....
We are becoming the fault...

With time came ideas, that led to growth.
We sprang into action with all that we know
Placing ourselves above the rivers that flow.
The mountains that hindered us...
The good and evils that were shown.
It was our time to conceptualize our own.
We sprouted from the usage of stone
To people that forged weaponry, behold
Our houses have changed, our temperament alone...
Was crafted from the same iron and gold
The land was our guide and enveloped our soul
The more that we had, the more we can control...

We spread out as the days grew hotter.
We learned of transition, the strength of the water.
How trade was ideal when sustenance moved farther
As the walls grew higher, and the trail got harder
We stopped moving and replicated our fathers.
We reproduced, spread, separated and faltered.
Time was against our backs, we failed all that's modern
As temperatures rose, our world became watchers
Learning from the cycle that perpetuated tomorrow
That burning beneath our feet, the fire in our eyes.
It would all come to fruition as we built higher to the sky.
We all knew that we would eventually aspire to fly.
To rebuild upon those old tires that we ride...
And with each change and the wires supplied.
We eventually crossed our own desire to die.
Eating away slowly as the flames inspire and rise...

With the heights come the greater fall.
Yet we seek shelter in the great beyond
We sought memory, a great fate for all
Remembrance, in the chase and caught
What is left behind? Whether embraced or not
Will eventually grow again, forsaken thoughts
Entitled ideals no longer known or taken on.
So with each development we were breaking off
Transplanted from our own state of awe...
To a state that embraced invasive plots.
With each gust of wind, we changed, we fought.
Eventually we were lost, and stained all walks.
Rooted deep down within, our fates were locked.
And the key to happiness was exchanged....

Beyond the hilltop and at the highest peak
Stood the wisest who had tried to see.
What drives us and how we find our feet.
As it was colder, one only had time to think
To ponder society and what it would like to be
From the buildings, to the flights and seas.
When tears froze over, and the eyes would freeze
It was easy to tell the difference, in pride & thee
What controlled who when the ice was weak.
With frigid air came an opening most forgot
And when one strayed too far & hope was lost
It was there they would see the scope of it all.
The untamed that was simply a ghost, the fraught.
Covered in numerous cuts and scrapes.
Able to see the reflection of what became....

Once again the cycle has completed its course
As we bury ourselves deep, eating the corpse.
Exchanging smiles, as we conceive and retort
As we spring back into action, leaving before...
The evening can shorten our needing for more.
As we branch out and hope to seize tomorrow.
Some are hoping to travel and meet at the shore
Falling for one another, seasoned explorers.
When their ready....then their seeds will seek to spore...

In theory we are everything that is and nothing at all
From the tallest building down to something so small
Merely along for the ride until succumbing to the odds
Eventually learning as the answer....
We are becoming the fault...

Adverse · 12-31-2020, 02:54 PM

Okay mistake NUMBER ONE is telling Universe he can use “however many lines he needs” that’s not okay because he literally will use however many lines he needs. You see what I’m getting at? Lol well what can be done?

Universe - Starting out with a Bryan O’Malley quote had me like “YES SCOTT PILGRIM” but I being the uncultured swine that I am neglected to think that this quote actually came another work of his “Seconds” which I assume you used as the jumping off point for this? I mean the synopsis of that book sounded a lot different than what I read from you but I’m sure it was at least an inspiration conceptually. Kind of liked this different blend of genres you used this was like true crime/sci-fi/horror it was truly something. Kind of reminiscent of the continuous story you were telling in the GWL, especially with some of the shock imagery, being sodomized/raped, murdered. The gory details is kind of your niche. Story wise there were a lot of twists and turns and I mean honestly I started to see the puzzle pieces fitting together before you finished putting them in place with the whole resurrection, and then finding the bar and the man responsible his name coincidentally being the same as the underground clown. I mean it all started falling together. It was a fun ride and I mean of course it was solid technically, the rhymes were there and the storytelling was top notch. You’ve kind of hit your stride again and honestly you just take whatever picture you’re given for the week and just kind of twist until you’ve got what you want. That’s dope man nice work

Mr. J - I think your verse got dwarfed here (literally and metaphorically) I liked the story you were telling and everything coming full circle at the end, your verse was solid and your progression was good. I liked your metaphors and stuff but I mean it’s just hard to follow a verse with that much content and visuals. I liked this bit though and the verses were overall really solid

“ Beyond the hilltop and at the highest peak
Stood the wisest who had tried to see.
What drives us and how we find our feet.
As it was colder, one only had time to think
To ponder society and what it would like to be
From the buildings, to the flights and seas.”

But honestly when all was said and done Universe took this topic and completely made it his own, wrote a novel out of it and everything, I just don’t think this was a fair comparison for Mr J’s verse as it just wasn’t nearly as stacked with content. It was a good attempt but in the face of a 400 line topical it was dwarfed for sure.

V/Universe

Master Rock · 01-02-2021, 10:25 PM

Universe-Interesting take is, to say the least...I was brought into a story about people living twice and dying twice. This was obviously very well written however the rhythm wasn't fully there at times (I found myself adding a few words in while I was spitting to fully realize the vibe but with a story like this..it is quite challenging). The waiting room was a bit astral plane/ in limbo feeling attached. I kept asking myself questions, such as: What clock is beeping? "I'm haunting your dreams" (is the character speaking or death)? The intercom? What intercom and possibly where? Is the main character dying twice and reliving her death alternatively?
This whole story was mysterious and packed a few surprises (especially the bar scene). I found it mildly entertaining in a climatic way. I like how you weaved the topic at hand and the victim to the photo with a purpose (that was done quite nicely). This verse was cinematic if I may say not quite the typical hip hop rhyme and rhythm I'm used to.

Mr. J-I never seen this side of you, very story-driven history of mankind with the vibe throughout (Dope)! Madd quotables throughout and ends it with hints to back where it has started. Your take on this verse kind of reminds me of my battle with Sral expect I can tell you really took time putting this together. But to swing it back a little this is pure madness I truly admired,

"Once again the cycle has completed its course
As we bury ourselves deep, eating the corpse.
Exchanging smiles, as we conceive and retort
As we spring back into action, leaving before...
The evening can shorten our needing for more.
As we branch out and hope to seize tomorrow.
Some are hoping to travel and meet at the shore
Falling for one another, seasoned explorers.
When their ready....then their seeds will seek to spore..."

^^There is so much to unpack here and a learning experience for some unaware of certain scientifical theories.

Both of the brothers are highly skilled creators and no doubt they brought their A-game to the table and flashed it bling, bling. If I can say it's a tie I definitely would, but if I asked the question which verse spoke to me more, it would be Mr. J's.

UPN Zuch · 01-03-2021, 09:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Universe

Seconds

*No line limit, as agreed upon

"You’re not a monster. You’re a mirror." - Bryan Lee O' Malley

......

The Waiting Room

I woke up to the clock beeping... It showed a billion and one
Counting heartbeats, down here we're tethered to those living just above
The soul is attached to the body, chained to a still little corpse
I have no needs, I eat what you eat like an unseen umbilical cord
In 31 years I haven't been born; the overhead lamp is a makeshift moon
I'm feeling compartmentalized... And down here is the ultimate waiting room
I'm always beneath in hot pursuit, like I'm haunting your dreams
A zombie in deep, I can feel your heartbeat and I want that for me
We all have a ghost self, one that is constantly attached
Awaiting our death so it can take over our body once it passed
Like kidney stones through intestinal tracts... No wonder I'm involved
You don't know when your heart stops, but I do - it's a number on my wall
I jump when my First falls, nice to say but it's not quite the case
Life's underway, and Seconds are tucked away from the light of day
Only night remains in this tiny maze; We get along but none can tell
A heart can physically rest in your chest but belong to someone else
Won't be long 'til I want the helm; Pushing up daisies with seeds and flowers
You got your eyes to the sky... I'm the anchor that keeps you grounded
I'm sleeps allowance, holding you in high standing while sitting calm
Listening to a song from your lovely voice humming over the intercom
Having it confiscated didn't raise alarms, but a switch of seasons sure did
We are all shackled to a cadaver with our endings pre-determined
Seems we live and breathe only to be eaten alive by the earth
There is no wasted energy - Everything is recycled and turned
Persons above lie under the sun... It's just hide n' seek to us
My mind believes you must feel temperatures rise beneath the mud
Therein lies the rub... I'm asking why give up? Time is retracting
Won't impose my will, whatever pose you're in I will mime it exactly
A vivid reminder of past seams... We will be together forever
Until death do us part, this invisible tether will never be severed
It's short sighted as ever, yet far reaching in hindsight
I hypothesized there's almost 2.5 billion heartbeats per lifetime
At age 31, we've used a billion or so on the way there
Which means our lifespan's almost 78 years - No complaints here
Everyone's born with a built in fail safe, I just happened to be it
I'm happy to admit I'm one of the few still latching to the lid
I don't have to live in your place in truth, full of violence and sadness
I needn't apply mathematics to prove whites detest my black skin
A gray area akin to purgatory; I know up above it's quite a day
Cuz my room just faded, the lights above emitting ultraviolet rays
When it rains sprinkler systems spray... but that's another story
Keys in the lock - I watched as the door to my room swung in toward me...

The Intruder

A man with a clown mask stood before me, his eyes inside just question me
He said, "I'm sorry, there seems to be a change to your First's life expectancy"
"These events are out of our control... Again, my apologies"
He closed the door - I dropped to my knees as the intercom just screamed
My First's voice sobbed and weeped, I hardly believed I heard my tether
Suddenly the digital clock turned off, going black for the first time ever
Then numbers returned... It displayed one hundred and some change
But went down to ninety nine, ninety eight... This must be a mistake!
I looked in the mirror - It appeared broken, actually like it seized
Odd to believe it's counting down to zero faster than I can see
The alarms sound - Red lights floated around this erratic atmosphere
You had so much time left... What the hell is happening up there?
I heard a man's voice over the intercom - I wondered where it might be
He seethed, "Dark meat is my favorite..." then came a terrified scream
Followed by desperate moaning that speeds up before getting slower
I heard my own voice saying "Jesus... Jesus" over and over
Heard it despite the choking sounds; My chest on the right just got tight
Valves switch on... oxygen swapped with carbon monoxide in the pipes
My pupils uplift as I suffocate, no prayers left God can deliver
Then I blacked out as my First stared into the eyes of her killer...

The Space Between

No time for second thoughts - My First's murderer is still at large
I'm feeling charged, I opened my eyes to a night sky filled with stars
Half of me is missing; I'm no longer complete inside it seems
My eyes blinked - the man with the clown mask took a seat beside of me
"Call me Ivan if you want to put a name to the face" he said with a laugh
"What's going on?" I mumbled; Ivan responded, "I thought you'd never ask..."
"What am I?" I gasped; He said, "You're a human being of course"
"We all deserve a second chance in life... You happen to be yours"
"But there's no third... The choice to go above doesn't require introspection"
He said, "I'm saying you're the Second..." I questioned, "Are you talking resurrection?"
"I'm talking a do over - Regeneration would have lingering effects"
"You only live twice... We all think we're First when picturing the end"
"Seconds don't have a mirror's reflection..." I'm a mere spirit in dreams
"You share memories," he said, "and this is how we prepare you to leave"
I remembered to breathe... Time only heals if you don't open the wound
I said "I want to avenge my First's death..." He nodded, "Yeah, most of us do..."
"Who killed me?" I wondered aloud, I was formulating a fight and flight plan
He gazed up at the sky and said, "From what I understand it was a white man"
"That aside feel satisfied... Your First had a soldier's will to survive"
"You're lucky, you know... to be able to go above, still in your prime..."
"Most are over the hill by the time they show up... Best get involved and get closure"
"You have over half a life to live... and Seconds aren't always leftovers..."

The Clearing

Opened my two eyes to a blue sky, not believing I was actually here
Lying in familiar grass of a field - I woke up gasping for air
Traction repaired my thoughts, but waking up in dirt is a drag
That's when I saw men in ski masks packing away my First in a bag
Got my coordinates - The cord that ended my First's life was nearby
When the men left the clearing, a GPS turned up right by my side
I picked up the device to follow the line, no retracing from afar
A blinking red dot on the screen showed the location of a bar...
There was a picture of a blonde man with blue eyes, about middle aged
I doubt I'll relate, I found that my hate had me drowning in rage
The straight blue line told me where to go... an ink blot with no pen
Was once tethered to my First, now I'm tethered to a red dot at the end
I got up and left, the device took me through a city's winding caverns
I tracked down the bar with the GPS... It was labelled, 'Ivan's Tavern'...

The Dive

I sat at the darkest end, with a good view of a blonde haired barkeeper
He didn't spot me when I walked in, but he didn't look very hard either
Part of me wanted to retreat, but I already knew the fate of this man
Throughout the night I turned down advances with a wave of my hand
In fact I barely glanced at my drink, just bided my time 'til after hours
I broke the glass on the counter, pocketing a shard to slash this coward
I acted it out in my mind... I guess I get fairly moody this late
I approached the barkeeper as he was putting chairs and stools away
He turned around and stuttered, "Y-You're dead... I w-watched you die"
"You watched half of me die..." I said, then he let out an awful cry
A piece of broken glass lodged in his thigh, it drew a pattern in his flesh
"White meat is my favorite..." I said, as I stabbed him in the neck
Never had any scruples in the depths, but I knew I had a screw loose
I bound his hands and pulled off his pants, sodomizing him with a pool cue
It came out bloody... I broke it in half and entered him again
He begged for his end... so I slit his throat and dismembered his head
Resembled a Jackson Pollock as he bled; I looked for his cash and wallet
That's when I found the clown mask tucked in his jacket pocket
The room started to spin... I knew it was Ivan, the clown with no face
He began to shake and raised up, his Second now in his place
Like reverse abductions from outer space, but he's around for it after
Men in ski masks bagged up Ivan's First and rushed him out of the Tavern
Ivan's Second said, "I knew I could count on you..." with a bottle in his grasp
He flipped it around and swung it fast - That's when it all went black...

The Clearing

I woke up beneath the sun, leg up, arms behind my head, relaxing
I am actually humming a familiar song as I digest what just happened
This is where my First died exactly... I realized nothing curves time
Cuz I'm still alive, that's the good news - but I wasn't sure why
Ivan entered my line of sight, clown mask on, smelling of beer
"Now I get to experience what my First did," He shrugged, "I wanted to start here"
That smile was more a sneer... He said, "You deserve truth in spades"
"I made you kill your First so you would send MY First to the grave"
"Call it suicide, if you want. But I wasn't trying to wait..."
"To be an old man when I finally got to the other side of the gates..."
"The grass is greener here..." he exclaimed, "You gotta know rape is in the script"
He pulled a knife, "Funny how a piece of grass is called a blade though, isn't it?"
He grazed my neck with the murder weapon, I saw him strained with sweat
He said, "This is all so much sweeter without a safety net..."
I placed a hand on my stomach, protective as birds with their babies nests
That's when Ivan said... "I didn't know YOU knew you were pregnant yet..."
Suddenly I was filled with more than regret; Something living was inside of me
Ivan put the knife to my throat, unzipped his pants and entered me violently
I tried fighting but it was no use, he might as well of tied me up
I bite my tongue, hearing myself yelping "Jesus" every time he thrusts
He finally comes... and here I am naked as naked gets
I wondered, could there be a Third below me, waiting in the depths?
He said, "You'll answer the greatest question yet..." I struggled to regain my breath
Then heard, "After you blow your second chance, what happens after the main event?"

4 Hours Later...

The Crime Scene

A dead female, 31 - She doesn't seem to be an actual victim
No one thing attracting suspicion, except that she's posed in a "relaxing" position
Then rustling of the weeds came, just listen... crunching plants and some footprints
Two Detectives entered the field of play - One man and one woman
Detectives Mike Willow and Annie Garza were tandem forensic experts
They got within a meter, yellow caution tape spanning the perimeter
"There she is..." Willow said; They inspected their findings closer
Garza kneeled over the corpse wincing, she said, "Yikes, he posed her..."
They both knew it was done postmortem when rigor mortis set in
Photos were snapped by the media - Willow reacted, "Don't let any more of them in"
Garza let the body tell the story - Nowadays there's none more common
She rubbed the head, "Victim has skull fractures caused by blunt force trauma"
She was surprised the head wasn't caved in, it shouldn't have withstood the pressure
"This is the definition of overkill... She was strangled as well, for good measure"
Garza didn't need to check her, the victim was sexually assaulted of course
Penetrated vaginally and rectally with a wooden object of sorts
"There's splinters in both cavities." Willow said, fixing his tie and adjusting his suit
Garza wasn't one to assume so she asked, "Any ideas what he used?"
"Could be anything. A shovel maybe? Wooden. That's my guess"
"Maybe it was flipped around... Who knows, nothing has been recovered as of yet"
"Now the main event..." he points - "Victim was cut horizontally to the womb"
"Below the belly button. She was 3 months pregnant - The unborn baby was removed"
"She wouldn't be showing much at 3 months..." Garza mentioned, "How did they know?"
"Someone knew the victim..." Willow said, Garza nodded, "Yeah, someone pretty close"
"I wonder what she thought in those final moments, knowing no one will come to help..."
"Victims tend to compartmentalize trauma, pushing it below to somewhere else"
Sounds like Hell on earth, Garza thought... Although she stayed way above it
She heard, "They hide it deep inside so they can disassociate themselves from it"
"She got what she didn't deserve," Garza said, "This was a start, this wasn't an end"
"Well one thing's for sure... We got to catch this guy before he does it again"
"Let's get her to the coroner, the cadaver is starting to stink up the dirt"
Willow asked, "You think it's his first?" Garza shook her head, "I think it's a HER..."
"A stolen baby is a woman's M.O... so is leaving the body in pose"
"But at 3 months? It's full development is... not even close"
We're in the same boat, Garza thought, floating amidst unusual bloodstreams
She said, "Well the first rule of police work is: Assume you know nothing"
Bugs buzzed in the shrubs, dense enough to not let sunlight through
"Our job is to stop patterns before they happen, keep them as one-off flukes"
Chain of evidence - Whatever today solidifies, yesterday breaks
Nothing is labelled as the first until the second takes place...
"First thing's first..." Willow said, "we don't have much manpower to blow"
"Plus I'd say the first 48 started less than a few hours ago..."
Willow looked down, "Eyewitnesses near the road heard separate sounds"
"But unless they were around, we can't proceed with just any weapon found"
Detective Garza scanned her surroundings, looking for any exit now
Willow checked the watch on his wrist, clock's a ticking...

And every second counts...

To Be Continued...

Ain’t nobody reading this wtf are you doing?

UPN Zuch · 01-03-2021, 09:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Universe

To Be Continued...

Plz don’t

fraze · 01-03-2021, 10:13 AM

Universe. You're a dope writer. You had vivid imagery a compelling story and consistent rhymes. Would have liked more variety in the flow of the piece and complexity of your rhyming patterns, but that's more stylistic and a minor complaint (though it is definitely something that impacts a piece of this length more than a shorter piece, don't want to lose people's attention).

My major complaint is the length of the piece. If feel like you could have easily edited this down by almost half and kept the essence of the your story with a much tighter and compelling piece. It's not that the stuff that you didn't cut was bad, it's not. But if your piece was more focused it would be less of a struggle to get through and would keep the reader on your side. There is payoff in the end, but you make the reader do a lot of work to get there.

Length alone doesn't make a better piece, you need to justify the economy of words. This was more like a series of slightly related topicals mashed together. I would have preferred to read one of them that focused on a single style and theme and took that as far as you can go. If you had gone straight from the first section to the last it still would have been a good piece and you might not be awaiting votes a week later.

Mr. J - I liked the even flow and you have strong rhymes throughout the piece. Short lines make it easier to follow your cadence. You're also using imagery well. I thought you hit your stride in this section.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. J

Beyond the hilltop and at the highest peak
Stood the wisest who had tried to see.
What drives us and how we find our feet.
As it was colder, one only had time to think
To ponder society and what it would like to be
From the buildings, to the flights and seas.
When tears froze over, and the eyes would freeze
It was easy to tell the difference, in pride & thee
What controlled who when the ice was weak.
With frigid air came an opening most forgot
And when one strayed too far & hope was lost
It was there they would see the scope of it all.
The untamed that was simply a ghost, the fraught.
Covered in numerous cuts and scrapes.
Able to see the reflection of what became....

This is a solid piece. You guys are both quality writers, but you weren't able to cover as much ground given the disparity in length.

Vote: Universe Universe love the writing but being practical your verse is too long for a weekly topical contest format. You're not going to be able to get enough readers for a verse that long to get votes. Even 50 lines is a lot for casual readers/voters. 100 lines+ is a lot to ask. I almost gave this to Mr. J on a TKO style dq for length, but doesn't quite feel fair to penalize the better verse for being to long.

Adverse · 01-04-2021, 09:09 AM

UNIVERSE WINS 2-1 (SMFH)

12-20-2020, 10:33 AM	#1
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,739 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446142	WEEK FIVE CHAMP MATCH: UNIVERSE 4-0 VS MR J 3-1 UNIVERSE WINS AOWL Season IX Verse Due: SUNDAY DECEMBER 27TH, 11:59PM EST TIME Line min: 10 Max: 50 Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b] Topic:

12-20-2020, 11:35 AM	#2
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,023 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349678	Use as many lines as you need. __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

12-27-2020, 10:59 PM	#4
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 999 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178702	Seconds No line limit, as agreed upon "You’re not a monster. You’re a mirror." - Bryan Lee O' Malley* ...... The Waiting Room I woke up to the clock beeping... It showed a billion and one Counting heartbeats, down here we're tethered to those living just above The soul is attached to the body, chained to a still little corpse I have no needs, I eat what you eat like an unseen umbilical cord In 31 years I haven't been born; the overhead lamp is a makeshift moon I'm feeling compartmentalized... And down here is the ultimate waiting room I'm always beneath in hot pursuit, like I'm haunting your dreams A zombie in deep, I can feel your heartbeat and I want that for me We all have a ghost self, one that is constantly attached Awaiting our death so it can take over our body once it passed Like kidney stones through intestinal tracts... No wonder I'm involved You don't know when your heart stops, but I do - it's a number on my wall I jump when my First falls, nice to say but it's not quite the case Life's underway, and Seconds are tucked away from the light of day Only night remains in this tiny maze; We get along but none can tell A heart can physically rest in your chest but belong to someone else Won't be long 'til I want the helm; Pushing up daisies with seeds and flowers You got your eyes to the sky... I'm the anchor that keeps you grounded I'm sleeps allowance, holding you in high standing while sitting calm Listening to a song from your lovely voice humming over the intercom Having it confiscated didn't raise alarms, but a switch of seasons sure did We are all shackled to a cadaver with our endings pre-determined Seems we live and breathe only to be eaten alive by the earth There is no wasted energy - Everything is recycled and turned Persons above lie under the sun... It's just hide n' seek to us My mind believes you must feel temperatures rise beneath the mud Therein lies the rub... I'm asking why give up? Time is retracting Won't impose my will, whatever pose you're in I will mime it exactly A vivid reminder of past seams... We will be together forever Until death do us part, this invisible tether will never be severed It's short sighted as ever, yet far reaching in hindsight I hypothesized there's almost 2.5 billion heartbeats per lifetime At age 31, we've used a billion or so on the way there Which means our lifespan's almost 78 years - No complaints here Everyone's born with a built in fail safe, I just happened to be it I'm happy to admit I'm one of the few still latching to the lid I don't have to live in your place in truth, full of violence and sadness I needn't apply mathematics to prove whites detest my black skin A gray area akin to purgatory; I know up above it's quite a day Cuz my room just faded, the lights above emitting ultraviolet rays When it rains sprinkler systems spray... but that's another story Keys in the lock - I watched as the door to my room swung in toward me... The Intruder A man with a clown mask stood before me, his eyes inside just question me He said, "I'm sorry, there seems to be a change to your First's life expectancy" "These events are out of our control... Again, my apologies" He closed the door - I dropped to my knees as the intercom just screamed My First's voice sobbed and weeped, I hardly believed I heard my tether Suddenly the digital clock turned off, going black for the first time ever Then numbers returned... It displayed one hundred and some change But went down to ninety nine, ninety eight... This must be a mistake! I looked in the mirror - It appeared broken, actually like it seized Odd to believe it's counting down to zero faster than I can see The alarms sound - Red lights floated around this erratic atmosphere You had so much time left... What the hell is happening up there? I heard a man's voice over the intercom - I wondered where it might be He seethed, "Dark meat is my favorite..." then came a terrified scream Followed by desperate moaning that speeds up before getting slower I heard my own voice saying "Jesus... Jesus" over and over Heard it despite the choking sounds; My chest on the right just got tight Valves switch on... oxygen swapped with carbon monoxide in the pipes My pupils uplift as I suffocate, no prayers left God can deliver Then I blacked out as my First stared into the eyes of her killer... The Space Between No time for second thoughts - My First's murderer is still at large I'm feeling charged, I opened my eyes to a night sky filled with stars Half of me is missing; I'm no longer complete inside it seems My eyes blinked - the man with the clown mask took a seat beside of me "Call me Ivan if you want to put a name to the face" he said with a laugh "What's going on?" I mumbled; Ivan responded, "I thought you'd never ask..." "What am I?" I gasped; He said, "You're a human being of course" "We all deserve a second chance in life... You happen to be yours" "But there's no third... The choice to go above doesn't require introspection" He said, "I'm saying you're the Second..." I questioned, "Are you talking resurrection?" "I'm talking a do over - Regeneration would have lingering effects" "You only live twice... We all think we're First when picturing the end" "Seconds don't have a mirror's reflection..." I'm a mere spirit in dreams "You share memories," he said, "and this is how we prepare you to leave" I remembered to breathe... Time only heals if you don't open the wound I said "I want to avenge my First's death..." He nodded, "Yeah, most of us do..." "Who killed me?" I wondered aloud, I was formulating a fight and flight plan He gazed up at the sky and said, "From what I understand it was a white man" "That aside feel satisfied... Your First had a soldier's will to survive" "You're lucky, you know... to be able to go above, still in your prime..." "Most are over the hill by the time they show up... Best get involved and get closure" "You have over half a life to live... and Seconds aren't always leftovers..." The Clearing Opened my two eyes to a blue sky, not believing I was actually here Lying in familiar grass of a field - I woke up gasping for air Traction repaired my thoughts, but waking up in dirt is a drag That's when I saw men in ski masks packing away my First in a bag Got my coordinates - The cord that ended my First's life was nearby When the men left the clearing, a GPS turned up right by my side I picked up the device to follow the line, no retracing from afar A blinking red dot on the screen showed the location of a bar... There was a picture of a blonde man with blue eyes, about middle aged I doubt I'll relate, I found that my hate had me drowning in rage The straight blue line told me where to go... an ink blot with no pen Was once tethered to my First, now I'm tethered to a red dot at the end I got up and left, the device took me through a city's winding caverns I tracked down the bar with the GPS... It was labelled, 'Ivan's Tavern'... The Dive I sat at the darkest end, with a good view of a blonde haired barkeeper He didn't spot me when I walked in, but he didn't look very hard either Part of me wanted to retreat, but I already knew the fate of this man Throughout the night I turned down advances with a wave of my hand In fact I barely glanced at my drink, just bided my time 'til after hours I broke the glass on the counter, pocketing a shard to slash this coward I acted it out in my mind... I guess I get fairly moody this late I approached the barkeeper as he was putting chairs and stools away He turned around and stuttered, "Y-You're dead... I w-watched you die" "You watched half of me die..." I said, then he let out an awful cry A piece of broken glass lodged in his thigh, it drew a pattern in his flesh "White meat is my favorite..." I said, as I stabbed him in the neck Never had any scruples in the depths, but I knew I had a screw loose I bound his hands and pulled off his pants, sodomizing him with a pool cue It came out bloody... I broke it in half and entered him again He begged for his end... so I slit his throat and dismembered his head Resembled a Jackson Pollock as he bled; I looked for his cash and wallet That's when I found the clown mask tucked in his jacket pocket The room started to spin... I knew it was Ivan, the clown with no face He began to shake and raised up, his Second now in his place Like reverse abductions from outer space, but he's around for it after Men in ski masks bagged up Ivan's First and rushed him out of the Tavern Ivan's Second said, "I knew I could count on you..." with a bottle in his grasp He flipped it around and swung it fast - That's when it all went black... The Clearing I woke up beneath the sun, leg up, arms behind my head, relaxing I am actually humming a familiar song as I digest what just happened This is where my First died exactly... I realized nothing curves time Cuz I'm still alive, that's the good news - but I wasn't sure why Ivan entered my line of sight, clown mask on, smelling of beer "Now I get to experience what my First did," He shrugged, "I wanted to start here" That smile was more a sneer... He said, "You deserve truth in spades" "I made you kill your First so you would send MY First to the grave" "Call it suicide, if you want. But I wasn't trying to wait..." "To be an old man when I finally got to the other side of the gates..." "The grass is greener here..." he exclaimed, "You gotta know rape is in the script" He pulled a knife, "Funny how a piece of grass is called a blade though, isn't it?" He grazed my neck with the murder weapon, I saw him strained with sweat He said, "This is all so much sweeter without a safety net..." I placed a hand on my stomach, protective as birds with their babies nests That's when Ivan said... "I didn't know YOU knew you were pregnant yet..." Suddenly I was filled with more than regret; Something living was inside of me Ivan put the knife to my throat, unzipped his pants and entered me violently I tried fighting but it was no use, he might as well of tied me up I bite my tongue, hearing myself yelping "Jesus" every time he thrusts He finally comes... and here I am naked as naked gets I wondered, could there be a Third below me, waiting in the depths? He said, "You'll answer the greatest question yet..." I struggled to regain my breath Then heard, "After you blow your second chance, what happens after the main event?" 4 Hours Later... The Crime Scene A dead female, 31 - She doesn't seem to be an actual victim No one thing attracting suspicion, except that she's posed in a "relaxing" position Then rustling of the weeds came, just listen... crunching plants and some footprints Two Detectives entered the field of play - One man and one woman Detectives Mike Willow and Annie Garza were tandem forensic experts They got within a meter, yellow caution tape spanning the perimeter "There she is..." Willow said; They inspected their findings closer Garza kneeled over the corpse wincing, she said, "Yikes, he posed her..." They both knew it was done postmortem when rigor mortis set in Photos were snapped by the media - Willow reacted, "Don't let any more of them in" Garza let the body tell the story - Nowadays there's none more common She rubbed the head, "Victim has skull fractures caused by blunt force trauma" She was surprised the head wasn't caved in, it shouldn't have withstood the pressure "This is the definition of overkill... She was strangled as well, for good measure" Garza didn't need to check her, the victim was sexually assaulted of course Penetrated vaginally and rectally with a wooden object of sorts "There's splinters in both cavities." Willow said, fixing his tie and adjusting his suit Garza wasn't one to assume so she asked, "Any ideas what he used?" "Could be anything. A shovel maybe? Wooden. That's my guess" "Maybe it was flipped around... Who knows, nothing has been recovered as of yet" "Now the main event..." he points - "Victim was cut horizontally to the womb" "Below the belly button. She was 3 months pregnant - The unborn baby was removed" "She wouldn't be showing much at 3 months..." Garza mentioned, "How did they know?" "Someone knew the victim..." Willow said, Garza nodded, "Yeah, someone pretty close" "I wonder what she thought in those final moments, knowing no one will come to help..." "Victims tend to compartmentalize trauma, pushing it below to somewhere else" Sounds like Hell on earth, Garza thought... Although she stayed way above it She heard, "They hide it deep inside so they can disassociate themselves from it" "She got what she didn't deserve," Garza said, "This was a start, this wasn't an end" "Well one thing's for sure... We got to catch this guy before he does it again" "Let's get her to the coroner, the cadaver is starting to stink up the dirt" Willow asked, "You think it's his first?" Garza shook her head, "I think it's a HER..." "A stolen baby is a woman's M.O... so is leaving the body in pose" "But at 3 months? It's full development is... not even close" We're in the same boat, Garza thought, floating amidst unusual bloodstreams She said, "Well the first rule of police work is: Assume you know nothing" Bugs buzzed in the shrubs, dense enough to not let sunlight through "Our job is to stop patterns before they happen, keep them as one-off flukes" Chain of evidence - Whatever today solidifies, yesterday breaks Nothing is labelled as the first until the second takes place... "First thing's first..." Willow said, "we don't have much manpower to blow" "Plus I'd say the first 48 started less than a few hours ago..." Willow looked down, "Eyewitnesses near the road heard separate sounds" "But unless they were around, we can't proceed with just any weapon found" Detective Garza scanned her surroundings, looking for any exit now Willow checked the watch on his wrist, clock's a ticking... And every second counts... To Be Continued... __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future.. Last edited by Universe; 12-28-2020 at 09:27 AM.

12-29-2020, 12:34 AM	#5
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,023 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349678	In theory we are everything that is and nothing at all From the tallest building down to something so small Merely along for the ride until succumbing to the odds Eventually learning as the answer.... We are becoming the fault... With time came ideas, that led to growth. We sprang into action with all that we know Placing ourselves above the rivers that flow. The mountains that hindered us... The good and evils that were shown. It was our time to conceptualize our own. We sprouted from the usage of stone To people that forged weaponry, behold Our houses have changed, our temperament alone... Was crafted from the same iron and gold The land was our guide and enveloped our soul The more that we had, the more we can control... We spread out as the days grew hotter. We learned of transition, the strength of the water. How trade was ideal when sustenance moved farther As the walls grew higher, and the trail got harder We stopped moving and replicated our fathers. We reproduced, spread, separated and faltered. Time was against our backs, we failed all that's modern As temperatures rose, our world became watchers Learning from the cycle that perpetuated tomorrow That burning beneath our feet, the fire in our eyes. It would all come to fruition as we built higher to the sky. We all knew that we would eventually aspire to fly. To rebuild upon those old tires that we ride... And with each change and the wires supplied. We eventually crossed our own desire to die. Eating away slowly as the flames inspire and rise... With the heights come the greater fall. Yet we seek shelter in the great beyond We sought memory, a great fate for all Remembrance, in the chase and caught What is left behind? Whether embraced or not Will eventually grow again, forsaken thoughts Entitled ideals no longer known or taken on. So with each development we were breaking off Transplanted from our own state of awe... To a state that embraced invasive plots. With each gust of wind, we changed, we fought. Eventually we were lost, and stained all walks. Rooted deep down within, our fates were locked. And the key to happiness was exchanged.... Beyond the hilltop and at the highest peak Stood the wisest who had tried to see. What drives us and how we find our feet. As it was colder, one only had time to think To ponder society and what it would like to be From the buildings, to the flights and seas. When tears froze over, and the eyes would freeze It was easy to tell the difference, in pride & thee What controlled who when the ice was weak. With frigid air came an opening most forgot And when one strayed too far & hope was lost It was there they would see the scope of it all. The untamed that was simply a ghost, the fraught. Covered in numerous cuts and scrapes. Able to see the reflection of what became.... Once again the cycle has completed its course As we bury ourselves deep, eating the corpse. Exchanging smiles, as we conceive and retort As we spring back into action, leaving before... The evening can shorten our needing for more. As we branch out and hope to seize tomorrow. Some are hoping to travel and meet at the shore Falling for one another, seasoned explorers. When their ready....then their seeds will seek to spore... In theory we are everything that is and nothing at all From the tallest building down to something so small Merely along for the ride until succumbing to the odds Eventually learning as the answer.... We are becoming the fault... __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

01-02-2021, 10:25 PM	#7
Master Rock Steadily Lurking Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Beyond your reach Posts: 1,330 Battle Record: 7-7 Champed - Netcees Writers League Rep Power: 5599637	Universe-Interesting take is, to say the least...I was brought into a story about people living twice and dying twice. This was obviously very well written however the rhythm wasn't fully there at times (I found myself adding a few words in while I was spitting to fully realize the vibe but with a story like this..it is quite challenging). The waiting room was a bit astral plane/ in limbo feeling attached. I kept asking myself questions, such as: What clock is beeping? "I'm haunting your dreams" (is the character speaking or death)? The intercom? What intercom and possibly where? Is the main character dying twice and reliving her death alternatively? This whole story was mysterious and packed a few surprises (especially the bar scene). I found it mildly entertaining in a climatic way. I like how you weaved the topic at hand and the victim to the photo with a purpose (that was done quite nicely). This verse was cinematic if I may say not quite the typical hip hop rhyme and rhythm I'm used to. Mr. J-I never seen this side of you, very story-driven history of mankind with the vibe throughout (Dope)! Madd quotables throughout and ends it with hints to back where it has started. Your take on this verse kind of reminds me of my battle with Sral expect I can tell you really took time putting this together. But to swing it back a little this is pure madness I truly admired, "Once again the cycle has completed its course As we bury ourselves deep, eating the corpse. Exchanging smiles, as we conceive and retort As we spring back into action, leaving before... The evening can shorten our needing for more. As we branch out and hope to seize tomorrow. Some are hoping to travel and meet at the shore Falling for one another, seasoned explorers. When their ready....then their seeds will seek to spore..." ^^There is so much to unpack here and a learning experience for some unaware of certain scientifical theories. Both of the brothers are highly skilled creators and no doubt they brought their A-game to the table and flashed it bling, bling. If I can say it's a tie I definitely would, but if I asked the question which verse spoke to me more, it would be Mr. J's. __________________ https://www.instagram.com/master_rock1/ https://www.youtube.com/graphicalmindz

12-31-2020, 02:54 PM	#6
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,739 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446142	Okay mistake NUMBER ONE is telling Universe he can use “however many lines he needs” that’s not okay because he literally will use however many lines he needs. You see what I’m getting at? Lol well what can be done? Universe - Starting out with a Bryan O’Malley quote had me like “YES SCOTT PILGRIM” but I being the uncultured swine that I am neglected to think that this quote actually came another work of his “Seconds” which I assume you used as the jumping off point for this? I mean the synopsis of that book sounded a lot different than what I read from you but I’m sure it was at least an inspiration conceptually. Kind of liked this different blend of genres you used this was like true crime/sci-fi/horror it was truly something. Kind of reminiscent of the continuous story you were telling in the GWL, especially with some of the shock imagery, being sodomized/raped, murdered. The gory details is kind of your niche. Story wise there were a lot of twists and turns and I mean honestly I started to see the puzzle pieces fitting together before you finished putting them in place with the whole resurrection, and then finding the bar and the man responsible his name coincidentally being the same as the underground clown. I mean it all started falling together. It was a fun ride and I mean of course it was solid technically, the rhymes were there and the storytelling was top notch. You’ve kind of hit your stride again and honestly you just take whatever picture you’re given for the week and just kind of twist until you’ve got what you want. That’s dope man nice work Mr. J - I think your verse got dwarfed here (literally and metaphorically) I liked the story you were telling and everything coming full circle at the end, your verse was solid and your progression was good. I liked your metaphors and stuff but I mean it’s just hard to follow a verse with that much content and visuals. I liked this bit though and the verses were overall really solid “ Beyond the hilltop and at the highest peak Stood the wisest who had tried to see. What drives us and how we find our feet. As it was colder, one only had time to think To ponder society and what it would like to be From the buildings, to the flights and seas.” But honestly when all was said and done Universe took this topic and completely made it his own, wrote a novel out of it and everything, I just don’t think this was a fair comparison for Mr J’s verse as it just wasn’t nearly as stacked with content. It was a good attempt but in the face of a 400 line topical it was dwarfed for sure. V/Universe

01-04-2021, 09:09 AM	#11
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,739 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446142	UNIVERSE WINS 2-1 (SMFH)