WEEK THREE: MR J 1-1 vs OBJECTIVE 1-1 Mr J WINS

[Adverse]

AOWL Season IX


Verse Due: Tuesday December 1st @ 11:59PM EST


Line min: 10

Max: 50


Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b]

Topic:



Good luck!

[Mr. J]

Check

[Objective]

Oh, yeah. I'm here as well

[Mr. J]

Might need the ext @Objective unless you have something ready I can throw it together tonight.

[Objective]

Originally Posted by Mr. J

Might need the ext @Objective unless you have something ready I can throw it together tonight.

I need 1 too and logged on to ask for one. Saw this thread got 1 more post and thought: "SHIT, I better write something quick to show, haha" This will do favors for the both of us :)

[Objective]

To ask your faults
which tasks to hold
you seek within as LSD pass the salt.
The lies he told ... himself ... Is his hell
put on display with dismay
masked in awe.
The darkened thought astronaut withold
the truth for his past and youth that blasted all,
then transformed his layered mask for y'all
...
I'm a good sport with emptiness' basketball
yet distress in hoops won't last through fall...
Sleeps a mess, yet my flex is in tune
to complex secrets that's a reflection of YOU.
My mistress is Fear and Loathing, I miss having a boo...
searching the groove to care for something. (That's actually true)
Keep few friends near to breathe internal atmospheres
n' steer clear from eternal fractal years. (That's for tears)
Sadness is what laughter bears. Perhaps with guidance
clouds will clear when emotions are allianced.
Cus' solitude arise when my snapchat open nudes
from queens that keep me posted, lewd,
singing along to bondage tunes...
Don't fret, I'm grinning, winning along,
you bet it's mostly cute and the sinning is strong!
yet it's time to disconnect the chute, living a song,
correct the void I'm bringing along,
to reconstrue the world that was destroyed.
No time to act a boy. In fact my manly tact is joy,
to focus my energy and avoid an active asteroid.
Yes! I'm past annoyed,
but the skies ahead seems freeing, and lead me
to believing, what I'm seeing isn't grieving.
I am heeding the opening, coping by envolping it
to knock the itch of what I might find,
then suck it up to leave darkness behind.
(She's such a bitch!)
You don't wanna know what the option is...
I walk through the door to my mind
cus it's finally time to open it with bliss as my wishes.
So I'm jumping... and floating ... no fronting, it's conscious and real.
And vicscious to the blind eye not living the dream.
Fuck a topical league,
no more white lies,
this is how I actually feel
Despite the fact that questions and clues to "Who am I?"
are impressions that might lose it and die (or simply continue to be)
You don't have to ask why
cus' this' the version of self I'm ready to kill.
Just had to learn from inside mind, to fly, is an achievable skill,
and if you believe it, you will.

[Mr. J]

As one drifts and is forgotten in the abyss
Another counts the minutes, finding it hard to commit
Click, click, click ... The ending is easier to predict
Surrounded by the soundless vacancy that never forgives
When time better permits we can weather the shift
Heaven forbid the sights set by man, extend thy hand
Search the stars & find answers to exceed ones lifespan
Out of the frying pan into the fire...
Prometheus carry us higher
Unlock the minds eye and otherworldly desires
Above lies a cold soul brightened by fantasy
If we follow the stars we can overthrow the galaxy.
Puppeteer humanity by manipulated tragedies
Through satellite feed that dictates what hits your plasma screen
Alexa repeat that back to me...send me clues or worse...
Suggest something that helps when one is consumed in work.
Direct me to the store via Google Earth.
Find me stones that shine brighter than the universe.
Show me proof it works when my soul can no longer take it
This is the wrong consolation brought upon our races...
Just drop me off beyond the next constellation.
Let me rest in the black hole, lost in contemplation...

[Universe]

Cool battle. But I wish one of you would've taken the less metaphorical approach and told a space story. I was really in the mood for a space story after seeing this topic.

Oh well. Let's get to it.

Objective:

Your rhyming is on point these past few weeks man. Solid technical ability on display - I can tell you're in a good mindset for writing. It's great to see and reflects in your work. You are showing flashes of dead man again, that ease of flow, everything just oozing out in a relaxed yet precise fashion. Very cool.

BUT...

The problem with this approach is it makes your story kind of jumbled and all over the place if you aren't a master of your craft. With dead man he stays on an even keel throughout, you tend to wander off the path and all around, going wherever the words take you instead of guiding the words to where you want to go... if that makes sense.

"Door to my mind" was a cool concept though. Not entirely sure I liked your breaking of the proverbial 4th wall by mentioning "fuck a topical league". Took me out of the pace of the piece a little.

I liked the end. I took it as a journey through inspiration and relationships and all the ways they effect your mind and all the different avenues and directions you can take them. It's an uplifting conclusion to a mind-bending piece. Fit well to the topic, in a metaphorical sense.

STILL WANTED A SPACE STORY THOUGH!

Good work.


Mr. J:

Man, the thing I appreciate the most about your verses are how CLEAN they are. They read like a dream, flow, multi's, wording... all on point. I liked the approach to the topic here but I've seen it done many times before and I wanted a GOD DAMN SPACE STORY... if I hadn't mentioned that before, now you know lol.

Props on the Google Earth/universe link. It's a multi that not many think of.

This is a complete piece from top to bottom. There are no holes in the ship, so to speak. It's airtight, short and to the point but done with precision. Really impressive stuff. My experience tells me that the easier it looks, the harder it was to pull off. So you did really well.

Objective might have had higher points but he also had lower dips. Mr. J you were consistent throughout and never wavered. To me this is like a rough draft with raw emotion (Objective) up against a 3rd or 4th draft that is a little more mechanical, but also vastly more polished.

I read both multiple times and kept coming to the same conclusion, although it was close because of Objective's knack for surprising me... But Mr. J takes this.

Great read guys.

Vote - Mr. J

[Eviction]

@Objective

weird approach with your opening lines, I really like when you started the full verse section though, a lot of metaphores, "distress in hoops" basket ball, I liked how you connected that with basket ball in the previous line last through fall was a good call, you also have some nice multies reflection of you was cool, that's actually true, internal atmospheres, eternal fractal years, towards the middle you started to lose substance, it wasn't bad you went from some poetic stuff to snap shat open nudes, you're character went through a hell of a progression though LOL, went from being a nice guy that just wants a good girl, to a cold hearted dude that just wants to fuck. HAHA


@Mr J
I liked the puppeteer humanity by manipulated tragedies part, that was awesome, I like the parts before too like forgotten in the abyss/hard to commit, let me rest in the black hole lost in contemplation, I liked how you used space metaphores through the ending, your peace was easy to read and the flow was almost butter, my favorite part was puppeteer humanity, definately a strong showing from you this week.

V/ MR J

I think he slightly edged this out, his verse was easier to read, and I liked a lot more of his ideas like puppeteer humanity by manipulating tragedies that was dope, I liked how he ending the verse to.

[Pharaohs Army]

Objective

After reading this multiple times I can say that it's an interesting piece, although not a story (nothing wrong with that)...You mentioned 'astronaut' but I was not finding too much else to relate to the picture. Well I guess at the end you mention flying and in the pic the guy is floating.
More like a 1st person soliloquy which is hard to pull off. I don't dislike it but I don't love it. It's not a traditional topical verse. Won't hold it against you but, I just thought this piece from you is moreso an OM submission or cypher, and not a written to the picture. I could be wrong but that's just the impression that I get. Pretty good rhymes and technical aspects. I guess just wanted a little bit more from you content-wise.

Mr. J
Buttery smooth verse which touched on plenty of space and technology themes. Also not a story but I think you pulled off the non-story a bit better than your opponent IMO.
The multis shine and the message resonated. Enough for the W this week.

V/ Mr. J

[Master Rock]

Objective I had to read your verse a few times to figure out where you were going. From your verse this immediatelt stood out to me, "yet it's time to disconnect the chute, living a song,
correct the void I'm bringing along,
to reconstrue the world that was destroyed.
No time to act a boy. In fact my manly tact is joy,
to focus my energy and avoid an active asteroid.
Yes! I'm past annoyed,
but the skies ahead seems freeing, and lead me", it contained the subject and brought me to where I felt I should be. I was engaged but then you took me away from the connection I had with, "And vicscious to the blind eye not living the dream.
Fuck a topical league"... I was immediately disconnected from the vibe you were dropping. Mr. J on the other hand, pointed his finger and started to slapped you with magic throughout calling attention to all spots hit..The subject was apparent throughout and his ending just closed a casket for the fallen. It as though he astroprojected into space and explained what he experienced.
I'm giving this to Mr. J.

[Scar]

mr j. this was technicaly a sound verse. strong original rhymes. good rhythm just overall exceptional in terms of mechanics. my only issue is that it kind of got lost in itself. reading it, i had no idea where it was going. after finishing, i still had no idea. initially i thought it was a metaphor for a relationship, i still might, but it wasnt transparent enough that it took the enjoyment away because at the end i'm unclear just what it is you are trying to say.

obj, i love some of the multies the fractal years strings were dope. however, as the case with yout opponent, i'm not sure if i caught the underlying idea of this. i guess space could be an allusion to depression. ok going over again i think this verse was a out depression. it makes sense as outter space is cold and overwhelmingly isolated. so in that sense i iked this verse. my only issue was it was kind of boring. there was no "moments" you know? it was one linear line without the peaks and valleys of dramas. basically her'es this guy and he's depress. "darkened thought astronaut" was a nice coin of phrase. overall a strong verse for sure.

vote, there were some issues i had with eah verse but one had a little more strength to me. and for tht i will cast my vote to

v/mr j