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Old 06-30-2020, 05:16 PM   #1
DMS
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Default Titanic

Titanic


A crew of sailors who don’t recognize they’re sinking
And the simple deck hand who won’t edify the seamen.
Who tries to teach the captains, though never guides their thinking,
And fully comprehends possessed don’t exorcise a demon.

(Getting low on the high seas)

He dwells, and with a want and urge
To help the rest who toss and turn.
But swabbing deck is hard and first
And all the rest’s a lot of work.
‘Tis all a jest? The plot of earth
We’ll all be in, the pall, the birth.
The problem isn’t gone; it’s worse,
But thoughts of death not always heard
Can soften facts and awful worlds.

(The largest kraken’s godlike girth?)

It really isn’t hard, the burden sitting in his arms,
But simply put, his heart’s a puss, and the sea isn’t calm or worse.
To clean after maids can hurt,
It seems that the strain to push
For change to good and make amends
Could just outweigh the labor’s worth.
He should just pay the effort needed.
He knows he has disrupted thoughts.
It wouldn’t be a grand achievement,
Really more so what he ought.
The ship just drifts and shakes the mens.
The simpleton who made the messy splinter bits can’t pay a debt.

(And how could he?)

They sail to death upon the waves, a scurvy crew.
The persons who are all just knaves.
The farthest thing from proper mates.
The crew of sailors who don’t recognize they’re sinking.
And him who could be priestly, but’s possess’d by some demons.
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Old 07-01-2020, 03:47 AM   #2
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This flowed pretty decent throughout. Did you take any inspiration from symertrik's verse from the GWL last week? Very similar subject is why I ask. I think this could have used some bigger bits of imagery and honestly though everything rhymed it just kind of felt blah to me at some points like you were rhyming just to rhyme. I'd put a further emphasis on storyline your next outing. Keep your reader's attention a little bit more because my mind started coasting through this at a certain point without ever really feeling engaged
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Old 07-03-2020, 07:03 PM   #3
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Some nice imagery being thrown around in here, although the story did seem to drift in the middle. Rhyme scheme was functional, use of vocab was solid. I always like a topical take on a not-so-well travelled road. Definitely see potential here. Focused a little more on the narrative and the quality will improve. Solid work.
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