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Old 06-14-2020, 11:44 PM   #1
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Default Ayo...

Meet Calvin, second marriage
Thirty year old man with a wife
With an iron hand to her, he's really not suited for family life
Meet her, Susanna
Who's life is terror balanced with fright
Brought a child into the marriage whom Calvin didn't like
Meet Allen, six
Now seein' karma's fallacy in strikes
& Calvin's verbal abuse as talons in his mind
Knuckles & knuckles eruptin' to rupture his shell
To a weak upholdin', raised by the buckles on belts
A tale so severe, his world's absurd & glum
Withheld all the tears, achin' bones & burnin' lungs
With burns & cuts, choked 'til respirations frantic
Abuse & hates outstandin', desperation, panic
How can you be free when violence is used to silence your pain?
Confined & livin' out his childhood upbringin' in chains
You'd think Susanna would open her eyes & start to see
But no she's livin' life in perfect dysfunctional harmony
As the years pass yo, Allen's now seventeen
& arrives home to a well known scenario
Calvin stands over Susanna, who's hand is raised to parry blows
His eyes are glared emittin' a scary glow
Starin' @ his next victim plannin' to carry on
Fists raised, Allen's about to get beat again
But suddenly his mind snaps, he'll never succumb or be weak again
Calvin's surprised as he grabs his fist in midair, snarlin'
"You're about to bleed you pig"
Realisin' this young man's capability
Of how he's about to cleave his wig
But before he can speak, Allen's fists hail unleashed to kill
A debt of blood long overdue, now he's received the bill
Flames of inceration burns from Allen's vindication
'Cause with fists bruisin' bone he feels his liberation
Calvin justified a violent stand, this man was vile & detestable
Went from tyrant man with iron hand, to liein' as vegetable.
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Old 06-15-2020, 03:25 AM   #2
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my fingers smell like ass dude, I was just scratching my ass.. shit rezee brb.. let me go to the bathroom righ quick and wash my hands.. I'll reply to this shortly..
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Old 06-15-2020, 04:04 AM   #3
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lol juss joking.. dope verse man.. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.. reminds me of something dope in the past I've read, just can't put my finger on it.. ;)
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Old 06-15-2020, 05:55 AM   #4
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Lol...why do I even bother.
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Old 06-19-2020, 03:30 PM   #5
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A hard to tackle topic but you approached it with care and told a sad story which is sadly too often relatable. Some real stand out lines in here:

'Knuckles & knuckles eruptin' to rupture his shell
To a weak upholdin', raised by the buckles on belts'

'How can you be free when violence is used to silence your pain?'

Rhyme scheme was mostly on point, good multi's, a bit of awkward wording here and there but you kept the narrative focused from start to finish. Ever been in the GWL? I reckon you'd fit in pretty well over there.

Nice work, keep posting.

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Old 06-23-2020, 01:30 AM   #6
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Don't you DARE TELL ME you're not a topical writer again! Lol this was dope fam especially from a vocabulary and flow standpoint, honestly you told a good story here and though the concept might not be the freshest it was executed well my only complaint is you came out of the gates swinging and of sputtered towards the middle but the end made up for ir. Nice work my fav bit was

Meet Allen, six
Now seein' karma's fallacy in strikes
& Calvin's verbal abuse as talons in his mind
Knuckles & knuckles eruptin' to rupture his shell
To a weak upholdin', raised by the buckles on belts

Keep spitting bro and also be a little more creative with your naming as that's what draws readers in there were 100 good names avaliable for this i don't think "Ayo..." Grabs attention or does justice to your piece
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Old 06-23-2020, 04:29 AM   #7
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Thank you ;) was gonna label it as 'Karma' but thought it was cliche, no one gives a fuck anyways...proud of myself tho, I wrote a topical & it came out ok...tried yo.

Gracias for the feed my friend.
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Old 07-01-2020, 05:16 PM   #8
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Yeah, one of your better pieces man. (Sorry it took so long to get to). Johnny 6 and Adverse pretty much covered the high's and low's. I would continue down the topical route if I were you and write from the heart instead of your swag shit.

I think you'll be surprised how much people open up to you if you let yourself open up first... They will care if you do, trust. Just look what's happening with this...
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Old 07-01-2020, 10:51 PM   #9
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Appreciate the feed bro, I've taken everythin' that's been said onboard by everyone...Gracias for takin' time out to hit this up fam...I will still drop brag pieces though lol, just not as often.
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