probably

[dead man]

she says

you're the person i need. i say you're probably drunk.
i'm only here to relish in my selfish corruption
i shook my mother up from bed to tell me she loved me
and never quite recovered from whatever she mumbled
so here we are. heavy feather dancing at dawn
i'm belligerent, you're staring at me, asking whats wrong
a simple question, single seed was planted upon
fertile crescent pheromone where pharaohs are born
to die inside a pyramid of bondage and sweat
ask me where she went, i say she probably left
better now than later, better argue than compromise
better safe than sorry, rather die than apologize
all this time later i'm still trying to proselytize
talk me into lying down i'm walking the line
between anything and anybody making it clear
i had a goal in mind and now it seems insincere
i crave a message to send. a promise to keep
whats the problem, she asks. i say its probably me.

dm

[Sinacog]

Hey, Dead man - this is Dragon, good drop.

Nice use of verbiage and subtle language across the lines. This didn't seem to out-there; concept wise; but was a nice way to tell someone a little something. This was quite good, the lines carried themselves, didn't really need the rhymes to do so. Your imagery was good, and descriptive language was there. I'd like to see you branching out to other concepts; you seem interpersonal with your writing; you could get into fantasy and fariy tail's and stuff and things wouldn't falter. Good work though, enjoyed it.

[big baby]

no1 wants 2 write bout fairies u fucka fairy

[big baby]

deadman, keep writing. This was great. Love reading stuff from you. No fanboy. I read a lot of writers daily. So refreshing to see this type of stuff. Loved the tie in of probably - such a simple concept applied so..masterfully. Tagger whoever it is can't write half as well. Inspiring.

[Wise Wiggles]

what up. pretty cool for a short piece. Bondage pyramid sounds cool. Big ups as always

[Pharaohs Army]

***Uppp 4 NEW 2023 FEED....Tues***

Esp. Since we got 1-3 or more short parodies comin'...
&I linked this in my last dropz

[dead man]

lol

i like this one

[Pharaohs Army]

Originally Posted by Sinacog

Hey, Dead man - this is Dragon, good drop.

Nice use of verbiage and subtle language across the lines. This didn't seem to out-there; concept wise; but was a nice way to tell someone a little something. This was quite good, the lines carried themselves, didn't really need the rhymes to do so. Your imagery was good, and descriptive language was there. I'd like to see you branching out to other concepts; you seem interpersonal with your writing; you could get into fantasy and fariy tail's and stuff and things wouldn't falter. Good work though, enjoyed it.

Can we first of all talk about how this is maybe the 2nd or 3rd "Sinacog Feedback evidence" that he may be trolling.

I believe in one of my old topical votes he used a VERY advanced literary term on the first sentence of cohesion, before rambling into his schtick/fantasy requests...
JUST SAYING WE STILL DON'T KNOW WHO'S TROLLING AND WHO ISN'T
lmao
=============================================

ohhh jezus, dead.
Well dead man, despite my ramblings I assure you I've finally "got it together" since you told me to many years ago...
Probably.
Just a great/simple title. I used it in my recent OMs and we will NEVER know if it was organic or if this title-seed was implanted when I DID read it, years ago. Probably once. I would defend myself and claim the former, as it was purely a rhyme/content "necessity"...but that doesn't distract from the fact that you used it first.
Earlier OM piece I used a title Eng had used...and then later one Geno/WhiteEarl had used. Lol. It's a bad history but I've been dealing with words since I was a kid for recreation and also for occupation...it allll blends together...so I'm basically giving you my excuses for still spending time on Netcees - trying to breath a little life into the art of text as we finally*
(Am trying to back up my arrogant attitude/tone with a little bit of knowledge I've gained over many years...and trying to "make amends" with fellow writers I skimmed or dismissed in an egotistic drug stupor)...Moving on,
***Run Machine Analysis***edit
dead man let me start by saying that although this is "how you want it"...and frankly I'd love to just "saaay" this at an open mic w/no beat or somethin...u know, make it fancy and rhyme/rap rhythm and all that... but just. say what it says creatively.
THAT hedge aside, I am just going to freestyle my thoughts that pop in as a songwriter, for feedback..
Immediately I notice a quatrain...highly polished even above the rest of the verse...memorable/catchy/hooky and easily could be used for such an occasion.
better now than later, better argue than compromise
better safe than sorry, rather die than apologize
all this time later i'm still trying to proselytize
talk me into lying down i'm walking the line
Songwriter in me says doesn't MATTER the context of the lines above or below...
You clip this out, save it, and POP it anywhere you want a finished/published product, or a performance situation.

IN THE LIBRARY SO TO SPEAK, AS I ADMIT: HALF OF MY SHORT DEAD MAN MIMIC VERSE WAS...I hadn't saved MUCH but I did have a few mock dead man barz. I just had to remove the punctuation and caps.
Next,
you're the person i need. i say you're probably drunk.
i'm only here to relish in my selfish corruption
Opener. Lol. You sick bastard...GREAT CONTENT wording...but you're borderling taunting readers here...by that I mean: I REALIZE the NEXT 2 Lines are fine rhymes with 'selfish corruption'...but the "dead man" vowel-sound-matching-STRETCCCHh abuse here is-- frankly a little arrogant [forget about syllables lol], as if he's saying, "Yes. This is a dead man piece and we'll start out with that before going more traditional."
Pardon me dead, I am being fecetious. Because I am a writer's writer, as are YOU, and every1 reading, etc.
Moving on (again),

Eehh,, I got no more "bad-comedian" breakdown so I'll cut to the chase:
Your strength above other (even good but not great) writers is your ability to invoke emotion in the reader. VERY broad claim but it could be anything form sympathy to sadness to nostalgia to happiness to grief Whatever
I am coldly reading this one as a robot and at the end STILL had to FEEL something.
something...old netcees writer...50%-75% zen alias...Eng 5-10% chance...

Yeah...the phrasing/rhyming/tone/descriptions all good...oh yeah THEME what other vocab words you want me to say you're good at, buddy?
Nice drop.

IF you have one where all 16-20 are as fire as the 4-line "hook" here, maybe just keep it to yourself.
did i just say it. Fuck all of our lives.
No post it.
I POST my best shit still so whatever. We'll see.