Week 14: Ullr vs. Vulgar - (Ullr wins)

[Vulgar]

LGPA Season 1: Week 14

@Ullr

Check ins: Thursday (Midnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Friday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)


Topic: The Animal Kingdom

Write about something you see in this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZud8JHtxWE


Good luck.

[Vulgar]

In

[Ullr]

Check - best of luck Vulgar!

[Vulgar]

Ext

[Vulgar]

A brown bear wades in a pool
clear blue, up to its waist

Its name is Greuber
A German animal, on Germany's frontlines

Greuber is searching for land mines
its paws in the water, feeling for vibrations
its feet padding about in the deep marsh
swimming slovenly
Notes for his hibernating family
tucked away neatly in a subsection of his fur coat
should he be ignited into a ball of flame

Darn these humans polluting my bogs
with things that go boom in the night
Cooking innocent forest folk by the armada
before sending in one of their own
to clean up

Greuber protested
but back in the capitol city
of the country he laid his shaggy brown head
he was the poster bear for Greuber Industries

#1 manufacturer of land mines in the world
built by the world's most dangerous animal
and endured by the world's strident ones

[Ullr]

Ah, didn't see you had posted - I'll hop on my PC and post up my verse after breakfast.

[Ullr]

Predator and Prey
the stalk and the kill
power, precision, nothing's stronger than will
she waits in the cold with her paws in the chill
the pain makes her moan in her starvation ills
ribs protrude in emaciation
she licks her wounds and the remains of abrasions
cuts and scrapes from her dire struggle
on the jutting face of mountains high in the tundra
her ears pique as she hears disturbance
deep below the snow, something rearing and lurking
she sniffs, the pain turns to focus
she knows that what awaits is her prey right below her
her muscles tense, she slows her movement to still
with pups in her den there's nothing she won't do for a kill
the December breeze, snow sends swirling a shroud
as she creeps forth, determined, bristling fur in the cloud.
Finally, the moment's arrived, she briefly closes her eyes
hones with her mind through the snow and the ice
then all at once, muscles flex and tense as she pounces
through the shining white sheet, directly to where the mouse is
jaws interlock, it squeaks as it dies
grey fur goes flying, she leaps up with pride
tasting blood in her mouth, knows she's succeeded
she eats it up with a sigh, nearly totally depleted
and then slides along the snow to her home with the pieces
where her pups await eagerly, lord only knows when they'd eaten.

[Woke]

V, I liked this verse for what it is. Not as visual as you I thought it would be considering the opener. Detailed verse entailing a fucked culture in which we live. I did not like how you kept calling him greuber, then third stanza it became "my". That irked me a tad. Other then that, solid read for this tree huger.

U, very vivid here. What I most liked about this verse was how you kept hidden the main animal until the end. That was a nice touch. Decent rhymes but nothing earth shattering. I enjoyed verse through and through. The action was sly and imagery clear

v/ Ullr

better verse in my eyes

[Spoken]

Vulgar it showed in this as tho u were pressed for time im guessing or had no real time to sit and cultivate ur writing?... its evident with ur simplistic take on such a topic I know u would destroy cause it becomes an art of detailing which ur persistent with but idle this one felt a tad behind I liked the word selection and the out take of it dont get me wrong but like what real pointed out it kind of threw me

Ullr- first time reading ur work the... and I liked the suspenseful demand u gave off. U vines with internal rhymes but kept it vague to have it roll off the tongue and I liked ur take and details. Very vivid to what it is we were challenged to write to Yahoo know....

Overall is about personal preference and I personally enjoyed ullr more so

[Dearg]

Vulgar, this was pretty good. I like your story telling ability and the way you advance through the poem. I do wish to see a bit more depth in you conceptually. I feel like you gave us the basic ideas of your character but failed to go really into detail or give us a stronger idea of what he's going through. This happens often in story telling though. Especially in poetry. Otherwise though with what you came up with, I was satisfied.

Ullr, you gave yourself the same issue I seen in Rak. Limiting yourself with a rhyme scheme. It works or it doesn't and I feel like here it really held back your technical ability. That doesn't change the fact it was a good poem, it was, it just holds it back from it's true potential and in a poetry league that's never a good thing.

Vote Vulgar for the more enjoyable read.

[Frank]

MVGT Ullr

All around better verse