12-12-2017, 10:08 PM | #1 |
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Week III: Diablo vs NYCSPITZ[DIABLO WINS]
Season 8 Verses are due SATURDAY at 11:59 Voting ends MONDAY at 11:59 Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words Voting on 3 battles is required. Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253 @Diablo @NYCSPITZ Goodluck! Last edited by Inno; 01-01-2018 at 01:04 PM. |
12-13-2017, 03:58 AM | #2 |
Badgerdick
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YOU DEAD
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12-13-2017, 08:05 AM | #3 |
SYRACUSE
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maybe ur last verse was fire...
I'm nice with it though...let's see what happens...
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12-16-2017, 01:07 PM | #4 |
SYRACUSE
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Hey…I’m Sarah; I’m worth exactly one billion slavecoins Nox-5 and Eupha-69 are favorite drugs at our local rave points I’ve settled here on Sperare - a mote of dust in the wind A Mega City, one of thousands on this cluster we’re in I’m a warrior of many means, of hacking lust and of sin An agent of the resistance against that fucker the king… Darkness and cunning are deep in his soul, lurking within Taking planets in hostile fashion on the burst of a whim Leaving members of the populace to nurse with their jinn In lieu of death or exile, they choose to curse in the wind… He’s planted seeds in this city, but I can see the same trap There’s denial; even after we've evolved to 30 percent brain cap ...Still remember the takeover when I was just a little girl in a home Their demonic insignias - a world of pearls and of bones Experimented on my parents, somewhere in the firmament’s throes When they died, I knew at once; now a girl was alone So I excelled in academics, athletics and speech at their schools and went along with that indoctrinating reason of fools But that was then. I long ago escaped by grace of my will and I’m like the woman in Kill Bill - that most ancient of films Moving through shadows in the street out of scope of the enemy The people hide it in their eyes; their hope is diminishing The tattoos on my body - homage to a tribe that I miss from afar a lineage somewhere in time along this prism of ours There was a native tribe known for their wisdom of words Back when humanity was localized around a singular star So I pray to the war gods and wait for whispers from Mars and tip the balance away from evil and the cynical herd As I stare at my face floating over the glint of my purse… Who knows whether I’ll live or be deceased in a year? I lay back in my woman cave, attach a piece to my ear… Pull up the interface and smirk, I’m about to get ready to upload my avatar at the celestial city It’s made in my image but stronger, with laudable posture My fingers whir as I prepare for the consciousness transfer The team is ready at my incubation tube for when I open my eyes circling the city undetected - know that hope is alive Blue energy rises up into ether and the king’s at the crest My escape is one mistake he’s gonna live to regret The pulsar cannon is ready, my head is filled with the art of war I upload - “speed at invisible glide, straight into his corridor” .
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12-17-2017, 05:44 AM | #5 |
Badgerdick
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The sweat on his brow was calmed by the breeze before settling down near the scar on his cheek. But it's not the startling heat that's taken his breath nor his armour, the fear is what's making him sweat. The gaze of the red sun, dawning far ahead, raged as intensely as his anger toward his Father's death. The mourned departure left a gaping hole in his sibling that no sword had hardly ever come close to inflicting. Most of the village knew the wise and noble man but spoke of who killed him from behind their shoja stands. The High Shinobi Clan were imperial swordsmen who deprived the lower classes of their menial fortunes. They were seen as enforcers protecting Dynasty One even though the fees they extorted seemed to rise with the sun. They pried on the vulnerable, the oppressed, and the foolish with violence erupting should anyone question their ruling. Everyone knew this, including his father no less, and yet he refuted having to part with his yen! The clan regard disrespect as the highest act of affront so the martyr was met with the knife-edge his life was balanced upon. The smiters savage response to the peasants dissent was to strike the man only once, and sever his head. The method of execution was precise as the men had wanted and a rufescence of red ran as high as the cherry blossoms. The eyes of the many watching turned away in despair as he died for the very doctrine that they were too scared. The dictatorship shared a maniacal laugh at the top of their lungs which remained in the air until the return of our prodigal son. The loss of his loved one weighed heavy as the kasa on his head it wasn't enough wanting them dead, he had to have his revenge. Samurai meant "Those who served," in its correct term so it was time he handed the men a dish best served cold! The sunset burned overhead as he veered the arid plains until our expert ronin finally neared their palisades. The fear that captivated him crossing swords with the henchmen appeared to have abated having turned his thoughts to redemption. He saw them beheading his father without any remorse so nothing short of their death is enough to settle the score. His weapon was drawn from the sheath that housed its intent as he head into war both outnumbered, and out for revenge! There were thousands of them against just him on his own but he wasn't about to surrender, Samurai of principle don't. The sadistic Shinobi clan were a disgrace to 'The Way' while he lived by the code of honor he would take to the grave. In the face of his greatest adversity, he fought to the end, even as wave after wave of wakizashi brought him to death. The stories of legend remember him in the bushido adage to scholars: "It's more than just strength that makes a man. A man must have honour." Last edited by Diablo; 12-18-2017 at 07:54 AM. |
12-21-2017, 11:53 PM | #6 |
yeet
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Ok this is a hell of a read and I'm gonna make it back to vote. Theres a lot to cover, will edit in
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12-28-2017, 09:32 AM | #7 | |||||||||||||||||||||||
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NYC
I fed this in the OM. So some of my commentary may sound rehashed or recycled, but bare with me, bro. Quote:
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This is dope. I'm getting an image of Space pirates from this or a mass invasion of some sort of hostile fleet composed of bandits and thieves whom thrive by taking over entire cities and worlds in the outter reaches of the galaxy. Quote:
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Okay, so this was a dope verse. You're a storyteller of the highest order. I bought into the mass majority of your lingo, the scenario and the visuals. I wholeheartedly enjoyed reading this. But, I'd be remiss in my duty as a voter, if I didn't mention my gripes with your rhyming mechanics. Although, your story was easy to read and had no real stumples or clunky moments, it was still a little flat when it came to the rhythmic aspect, because in a couple areas the flow was bare minimal at best. I think if you would have elevated the rhyming more it would have enhanced the overal impact and delivery of your lines. Diablo Quote:
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So I'm digging the content. Although, the country and time period are different, this piece kind of reminds me of my Shanghai Noon verse (the one I deleted). The rogue/ronin gang of trouble makers is similar to how I imaged my Triad band of buddies. Quote:
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Okay, so this was like watching a movie. I could easily envision so much of what you wrote, to the point that there were times I forgot I was even reading. I think you had a lot of prestine detail and, as usual, your vocabulary was true to the time-period and setting. Either you are really into the history of the Samurai or you did some serious homework pre-battle. Whatever the case maybe, I enjoyed reading your verse because it was a teleporting experience. I was there -- somewhere in the crowd of unlookers watching the chaos unfold. However, like NY, you had a couple of spots of inconsistent and or flat areas of flow that reduced the fluidity and impact of certain lines. I know plot progression is the primary priority when it comes to story based topicals and, I'm well aware that both of you guys can rhyme outrageously when you want to -- but still -- I just wish you would have taken some time to up the liquidity of your scheme just a tad bit throughout. Voting on this battle is really hard, because from a novel-esque perspective you both delivered high quality verses. Even from a mechanical position you both dropped an A- piece. I only mentioned the gripes I had with your flows, because finding tiny flaws, are unfortunately the nature of voting on a topical battle. In any regard, I think this vote comes down to preference and entertainment. More so than it does to who displayed the better writing skill or technique. And with that said I'm going to go with Diablo. Reason: You both displayed a high level of world-building skill. Each incoperated authentic detail and lingo relative to their universe/topic and I love both genres, but in this particular instance Lars' pieces captivated my imagination just a little bit more. I think mainly due to my affinity and appreciate of ancient Japanese culture. I've always had a fascination with that region of the map and the whole samurai concept, coupled with the picture, really got my mind spinning. Excellent battle. I picked Diablo but I can see it going either way based on what's written above. Thank for the read guys. Last edited by ACTIVATE SELF; 12-30-2017 at 12:17 AM. |
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12-29-2017, 09:08 PM | #8 | |||||||
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12-30-2017, 08:23 PM | #9 | ||
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NYC, After seeing this posted in the OM it stays fresh in my memory.
I enjoyed the way that you painted this picture & brought the concept together. truly a feat that deserves its merits when taking into consideration how well it unravels. I thought the most interesting points lied within the surrounding components the opening is what caught my attention right off the bat. very well done imo. then as the story carries on I start to blend in with the story and take in the sights. it is like I am shaken awake & playing catch up with the world as it has become. Quote:
your choice in descriptive words really draws a reader in & paints some vivid surroundings. this whole piece feels like one could capitalize on it by crafting more to the story. Diablo, After getting through the journey NYC took me on and reading yours...I had to dwell on both verses. both of you came correct & its only the third week? or is it the 4th? I honestly cant remember. regardless as I read your verse I imagine how this all unravels in your mind. the fact that you are able to craft such work sometimes on short notice is very admirable. its such a different approach that you bring that it really is hard to compare both pieces NYC went for a futuristic approach while you dwell more in the past which works to your advantage. you have a sturdy foundation to pull out idea after idea & pound it into place. I can dig the vibe that you bring forth because your flow is pretty much always on point. you dont hiccup which is easy for most delivering the amount of work you continue to churn out. the most impressive part is that you always seem to keep your lines balanced out without much filler. your story is one that everyone can dive into and expect to be guided along without losing their place. Quote:
you dont follow the everyday rule of trying to rhyme a certain rhyme a thousand times. you just roll onto the next line while devising where the words fall into place. a very veteran approach. nice work... v/to be honest this is one of the better battles Ive read in the AOWL since the league first started popping off. I cant remember when I started competing in this to recall who impressed me most back then, but this has me feeling all nostalgic. which makes sense because both of you have been around for a long time. its like watching 2 legends in the making go head to head and the season has barely started. it saddens me knowing that such material is dropped so early & has the least amount of votes. both of you deserve more recognition than this, I am actually glad that both of you were able to drop.... anyway enough of that...down to the vote, I have read this a few times actually but have given it my undivided attention as of now. Ive had time to rest on the idea of both verses & find it to be one of the most difficult decisions. both of you have worked towards crafting these worlds together that most would just waste an easy topic on. you both went above and beyond and have the ability to craft a story out of thin air. both differ in their choice of wording & the flow of each piece is on point and makes me question everyone elses inability to drop in the time allotted. ...anyway. Im not going to lie I loved both verses but in terms of who took the cake here its based on personal preferences. what takes it for me would be originality, which NYC has done better here imo. I felt the whole idea he brought to the table really sold me over. although I felt dropping it in the OM might have hurt him if Im being completely honest. the good thing about it is that its memorable, the whole vibe just sticks with you. as for Diablo, his piece came off as a well documented battle that many can relate to. the whole story he brought to the table was one that would make a writer reconsider their flow. he is one of the few that can rattle off 40+ lines and make it seem so fluid. if this battle were about dedication I would have definitely given it to him for keeping up such work throughout most of the season. but Im going to side with NYC this time around due to how his piece panned out. the futuristic vibe had me caught up in a world very few can pull out of thin air. v/NYC, great battle fellas
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12-31-2017, 11:02 AM | #10 |
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NYC - Nice verse, liked the science fiction even though I'm not a great fan usually. The flow was pretty smooth in places i have to admit but lines were long a lot of the time, also the rhyming annoyed me in a few spots because it didnt match up phonetically in quite a few spots and made it jar and read awkwardly which interupted the flow for me personally. I couldn't get past that. It put a dent in what was essentially a good verse, and I liked the references throughout but it ended a bit...flat tbh. Didn't really go anywhere after all the build up... I duno, those r the two real main gripes for me.
Diablo: solid verse from baron on the Samurai warrior take, not seen you go that route before, it's something NYC usually goes lol anyway flow was nice as always, no hiccups, which really appeals to me, maybe as a more casual reader of these. rhyming was so subtle in places n harder to spot n makes it more challenging in a very good way. All this whilst maintaining comprehendable content. Way too many ppl sleep on what your actually rhyming. It reads like a completed game of Tetris which was extraordinary to me - just rhymes on top of rhymes, rhyming the entire line pretty much throughout my crazy. U know how much I try to emulate it haha I enjoyed both reads but id go with diablNYC - Nice verse, liked the science fiction even though I'm not a great fan usually. The flow was pretty smooth in places i have to admit but lines were long a lot of the time, also the rhyming annoyed me in a few spots because it didnt match up phonetically in quite a few spots and made it jar and read awkwardly which disturbed the flow for me personally. I couldn't get past that. It put a dent in what was essentially a good verse, and I liked the references throughout but it ended a bit flat tbh. Didn't really go anywhere after all the build up. Diablo: solid verse baron on the Samurai warrior take, not seen you go that route before, it's something NYC usually goes LOL anyway flow was nice as always, no hiccups, which really appeals to me at least, maybe as a more casual reader of these. rhyming was so subtle in places n harder to spot n makes it more challenging in a very good way. Way too many ppl sleep on what your actually rhyming. It reads like a completed game of Tetris which was extraordinary to me - just rhymes on top of rhymes, rhyming the entire line pretty much throughout my crazy. U know how much I try to emulate it haha I enjoyed both reads but i got eminems biggest fan Diablo for this. Slightly more satisfied upon finishing his verse more |
12-31-2017, 05:25 PM | #11 |
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This was obvious. Diablo won this easy. NYC crafted the kind of story a lackluster high school student produces. It wasn’t ALL bad, but it was lazy. The rhyming read as if it were just tacked on to the end of the lines. There wasn’t a very steady rhythm.
Diablo that was pretty good. |
01-01-2018, 10:26 AM | #12 | ||
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until our expert ronin finally neared their palisades. The fear that captivated him crossing swords with the henchmen appeared to have abated having turned his thoughts to redemption. He saw them beheading his father without any remorse so nothing short of their death is enough to settle the score. His weapon was drawn from the sheath that housed its intent as he head into war both outnumbered, and out for revenge! There were thousands of them against just him on his own but he wasn't about to surrender, Samurai of principle don't. The sadistic Shinobi clan were a disgrace to 'The Way' while he lived by the code of honor he would take to the grave.[/quote] I think this was amazing. very solid quote here from diablo, not familiar with ur work or if this is a new alias but kudos to you sir. mvgt diablo this week, his piece didn'it have any hiccups and was absolutely enthralling. NYC lacked development, not sure he expected this performance from his opponent. good battle, great reads from both. thanks. |
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01-01-2018, 10:32 AM | #13 |
Badgerdick
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good battle @nyc
hope you stick around Last edited by Diablo; 01-01-2018 at 10:35 AM. |
01-01-2018, 01:03 PM | #14 |
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Diablo wins
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diablo with the 3-0, ny easily took it, nyc won landslide, nycspitz = wack, spitz winning this |
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