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Old 02-06-2018, 09:07 PM   #1
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Default WEEK VIII:[CHAMP MATCH] ACTIVATE SELF vs Ender[SELF WINS]



Season 8

Verses are due SATURDAY at 11:59PM EST

Voting ends MONDAY at 9:00PM EST

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253

@ACTIVATE SELF vs @Ender

Make it a good one gentlemen!

Goodluck!

Last edited by Inno; 02-20-2018 at 08:54 PM.
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Old 02-06-2018, 11:40 PM   #2
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This should be intense. I'm probably gonna need an extension until Sunday 11:59 EST. Trying to write during the weekdays is nearly impossible for me right now. Also @Ender the same or different topics?
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Old 02-08-2018, 09:33 PM   #3
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@Ender
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Old 02-09-2018, 07:50 AM   #4
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Yeah, if you need an extension that's alright with me. And I'm happy to roll with different topics.
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Old 02-10-2018, 07:11 PM   #5
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Of Rats and Death: A Tale from Mind City

Chapter Three
With blade outstretched the wretch began to advance
In a crouched stance with his knife ready to dance
One glance said I had no chance but I prepared to fight
But Bateman stopped mid stride and glared off to my right
“How do you fare this night?” I heard Holmes say mildly
“You seem decidedly agitated, swinging your blade wildly
I’d take it kindly if you would wisely put your weapon away”
There was a few seconds delay before I saw Bateman obey
I reckoned he was afraid of the known law connection
Of the foremost detective which afforded him protection
From the sordid selection of Mind City’s human trash
I’d thought Bateman more brash, a touch more rash
The type to slash in a hurry and never worry about fallout
I’d had doubt that Holmes would have the needed clout
To convince the lout to answer even one question
Yet he’d stopped him in his tracks with a mere suggestion
Fair to mention Sherlock had more sway than I’d thought
“Why are you here, and who’s this gay boy you’ve brought?
Have you fought with the Doc over...” Bateman stopped short
Holmes had caught his eye so he decided to drop it and abort
“You two ruined my sport, it took me an age to get Mrs Steele
She’s real into her husband, though I don’t get the appeal
She can deal with it rough, which is how I like to get down
And now you clowns have run her right out of town”
Without a sound Bateman moved around us into the street
Complete indifference to the falling rain and our attempted meet
We followed his retreat as he made his way into a bar
A high-class looking joint with a sign calling it Parejo Cigar
We weren’t far from him though he never looked back
He moved up to order then stopped dead in his tracks
There was a drunk sitting at the taps, fat, but not a giant
“You’re on my stool” Bateman said, and the bar fell silent
The drunk must have missed the violent threat in his eyes
Because instead of deciding to rise, the most foolish of replies
“What a surprise, an rich prick thinks he owns the place
This is my space, move your tacky Armani suit outta my face”
The rest of the bar waits, a trace of tension in the air
On Bateman’s face a glare disappears, cheer is painted there
Bateman laughs out loud and pats the guy on the back
“Bluto, my friend, you’ve long been a part of my pack”
Then in a flash he drew his knife, stabbed him in the chest
“So you should know better than to sit in the spot I like best”
He pushed Bluto onto the floor, then took his seat
He spoke to the bartender, “Your best whisky, neat”
Noise resumed in the bar, the jukebox started playing
Bluto died quietly as Bateman slowly drank after paying
Holmes stepped over the body and chatted with Bateman
The bar was so loud that I couldn’t hear the conversation
Bateman looked at me, then to Holmes, and shook his head
Sherlock returned and said “Bateman found him already dead
But he said Holden Caulfield was the last to see him alive
They were feeding ducks together and watching them dive
We need to talk to Caulfield, but first I need a hit”
So Sherlock went to the bathroom to take care of it
Bateman looked over at me and his laughter started to grow
“Let this go, it’s deeper and more dangerous than you know”
He began to come over, his eyes full of menace and spite
But when Sherlock returned, he turned back from the fight
So we went to find Holden as the mystery unfurled
I will chase Lennie’s killer to the very end of the world.


Topic - https://drive.google.com/drive/folde...B0TlpINUE?pmid

Topic is from Innivator's Google folder and I can't get it to show up.

Last edited by Ender; 02-10-2018 at 07:15 PM. Reason: Can't make the topic picture appear
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Old 02-13-2018, 04:31 AM   #6
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Activate’s Verse


Preferred reading: NCDark

Rooted deep within the heart of a dense and suffocating jungle, lies the jovial city of Ximoul
Which has a copious amount of ceremonial mounds & temple style pyramids that cover its grounds
that are surrounded by sequoia-sized trees for at least a couple hundred Mesotopian miles

"Tik'Owl, it's time to go to the mountain!"

Proudly shouted my farther in a sonorous tone, as he pounded the gravel towards the capital's dome
A stone castle that saddles a geographical throne, where the king & his council greet the scouts coming home

"I can't wait to see Eagle, Talon, Falcon and Crow."

The noble names of my brothers who are stoic and bold and onces heroicly showed
their gallantry in battled when they challenged a drove, of Zototecian soliders on the Olmezian Coast
My father carried a bow made of ebony oak, a precious weapon bestowed by the head of his post ...
for being epically known as the deadliest foe that his regiment posed

"Is that a present for Crow?"
"No, it's present for you."

He sarcastically jokes, as I capture the view, of botanical gardens & cascading stoops
The capital woo's with magnificent sights, due to opulent beauty and ubiquitous light
A stupendous supply of items to purchase; "Come and pick you a knife", chimes a one eyed merchant
there are furniture pieces with gorgeous designs, plus sculptures of idols and ointments to buy ....
There's corn and there's rye and enormous assortments of imported spice, there's crocodile hides
and jewelry that's fine and fabulous fabrics embroidered and dyed for affordable prices
Nothing short of enticing, but a sordid suprise, soon spoils our visit, and soils our eyes ....
the deplorable sight is horribly timed, and a morbid misfortune, that tortures our minds
My brothers' dead bodies are slumped over shoulders of soliders in pain
as the blood from their wounds is mixed with the paints that drips from their faces
Laceration in places like slits on their backs, and rips on on their waists, from melee attacks
The Aztecas are crazy and brazenly act -- they hacked and they slashed with razor sharp glass
Attached to the bats & paddles they crafted & axes they swung & flung at my brothers with brashness

"MY SONS ...
were suppose to come home & one was to marry
now instead of a wedding my sons will be buried!"


My father is very stricken with grief, but his warrior spirit insist that they bleed
He clenches his teeth and balls up his fist and emphaticly speaks what he means to inflict

"Their heads will be severed and stuck on a spike
and I'll bath in the blood of their babies and wives
cut the hearts out their chest & I'll feed em to dogs
and rip bodies apart with my jaguar paws
Shoot elders with arrows I poisoned with frogs
and burn shelters to ashes and hellfire smog!"


Inspired by vengeance the bloodthirsty Moon eclipses the Sun as I rally the troops
As Mayans such violence is sacrificial & this sign from the gods says it's time we produce
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Old 02-13-2018, 02:28 PM   #7
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Right now i always have trouble deciding a winner in topical battles cause i don't know it never feels like theres a clear definitive winner as there does when it comes to regular battles... anyways this was a decent battle although i wasn't really felling ender's verse as much he kind of went with the same style as last week he did switch up the way he ended it i guess it was cool how he wrote a chapter three as if he was contininuing a story from the first two weeks i think that's what you were going for anyways but the writing was just too novel like and a bit boring in my opinion just wasn't feeling it i feel bad voting for the other guy twice in two weeks against ender but the other guys (activate) just had such more engaging text that really made me feel emotion for the characters in his story... so yeah i think I'm kind of forced here to give my vote to activate... i think ender just kind of needs to switch up his style a bit his lines were way too copious they were just extremely bland and it was difficult to get to the ending of his story whereas ender was totally keeping me guessing and making me want to read the next line of the story even though i wasn't really feeling the kind of lord of the rings style he was using just aint my thing... so yeah anyways...

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Old 02-13-2018, 08:08 PM   #8
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Ender - so I missed part 1 of the story I think and i ready last week and this week's
what an engaging idea - to make a volumized series out of your topics. The flow was
clean, storytelling and dialogue were both great.

SA - yoooo is this about or inspired by Xbalanque? (the jaguar?)
father* instead of farther but I understood what you meant there.
also once* instead of onces, again not a big deal I knew what you meant.
your multi/flow game is on point as always, but the ones I really appreciate
are the small switch ups that change the multi so subtly you almost never
realize it's changed like :
stoic and bold > heroicly showed - then the assonance kicks in with gallantry and battles
to switch to challenged a drove then Zototecian leads to Olmezian Coast
THEN - carried a bow to ebony bow-weapon bestowed etc......
just a masterful command of phonetics. Great imagery on the description of the
capitol/bazaar-market. Storytelling was on point. (Bathe* instead of bath) - only pointing these out so if/when u repost later you'll be able to fix them.
Oooh I like the Sun/Moon reference when using the whole Mayan/Aztec angle.
....I feel like I need to see/read the battle between these 2 tribes and their Gods.

V/ Self Activate
aside from a few typos, it was flawless in the skill department. Flow/Multis, Storytelling, Imagery, Emotion- everything was top notch.

Ender - the only thing I seen in yours I would have liked to seen different that would have made this tougher to call is a more complex rhyme scheme. The 1-2 syllables certainly do the job of telling your story, but if someone is equally as good at storytelling you gotta kind of step the rhyme game up to stand out more.
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Old 02-16-2018, 11:28 AM   #9
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ender - man i remember many battles between you and cormier back in PR. You've always been content first and techniques second. But this recent emergence has seen you in rare form. Content is still there but you've def up your technical side. there were things i liked and things i didn't like about this verse. dug the traditional narrative style. there were very unique attention to details that may be overlooked on first glance but shit like
Quote:
You two ruined my sport, it took me an age to get Mrs Steele
She’s real into her husband, though I don’t get the appeal
very organic. and i dug this allegorical world youve created with references to literary entities.

The problem i had was that this piece is very much dependent on past effort. I don't think the legs are strong enough to stand alone. There wasn't any real resolution either as we are left with another "on next week's episode..." I've always thought serials are bad ideas in arenas like this. i've seen people try it before and i felt it did not work.

Self - alright let's get the bad out the way. As rude pointed out earlier, the mechanics, especially spelling errors was very uncharacteristic of you. you're usually very tight on that. That aside, i enjoyed this very much. I think the standout of this verse was the descriptive language. its easy to be excessive when writers get into descriptions but here it was done skillfully. the plot was pretty easy to follow. Before u mentioned apocolaypto, i was reminded of the godfather when Santino was killed and Don Corleone and Michael prep for war with the 5 families. Cohesive and appropriately told. cool.

vote/ Self. i felt you both told a story but went in a complete opposite in terms of writing style. one preferred terse dictions while the other opted for a more expressive approach. to me, it came down to enjoyment factor. with that said, i cast my vote to Self. I felt he created a vibrant world where as Ender was too dependent on past installments. Furthermore i did not feel it ended on a championship match type level.
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