Netcees  

Go Back   Netcees > Vault > Archives > The Netcees archive > Art of Writing League > AOWL Season 8 Archive

User Tag List

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-06-2018, 09:02 PM   #1
Inno
Ad mini tator
 
Inno's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 10,005
Battle Record: 26-54


Champed
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- Black August
- 1-2 Punch League

Rep Power: 85899399
Inno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond repute
Default WEEK VIII: Elemental P vs Problumatic[PROBLUMATIC WINS]



Season 8

Verses are due SATURDAY at 11:59PM EST

Voting ends MONDAY at 9:00PM EST

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253

@Elemental P vs @Problumatic

Goodluck!

Last edited by Inno; 02-20-2018 at 08:54 PM.
Inno is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2018, 11:23 PM   #2
Elemental P
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 856




Rep Power: 4507452
Elemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant future
Default

Checkmate
Elemental P is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2018, 06:28 PM   #3
Problumatic
Member
 
Problumatic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 79
Battle Record: 0-1



Rep Power: 6797930
Problumatic has a brilliant futureProblumatic has a brilliant futureProblumatic has a brilliant futureProblumatic has a brilliant futureProblumatic has a brilliant futureProblumatic has a brilliant futureProblumatic has a brilliant futureProblumatic has a brilliant futureProblumatic has a brilliant futureProblumatic has a brilliant futureProblumatic has a brilliant future
Default

Check
Problumatic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-10-2018, 07:29 PM   #4
Inno
Ad mini tator
 
Inno's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 10,005
Battle Record: 26-54


Champed
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- Black August
- 1-2 Punch League

Rep Power: 85899399
Inno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond reputeInno has a reputation beyond repute
Default



Quote:
Originally Posted by Elemental P
Picture the blood bath from gun claps it's Sickening Dawg/
It's so sad u hold back cuz what you Witness Is Wrong/
These symptoms and sickness ain't the Vision From God/
Nor is it losing your friends, when the Victims Are Gone/
Depressions like the feeling of being Rejected and Hopeless/
It's every single thing that you Neglected to Notice/
So you take it an stride, even if you're Breaking Inside/
Facing the lies, basically anxiously Awaiting To Die/
Feels like it's taking ur pride, feel the pain from Different Angles/
Start tripping then you start slitting ur veins til they're Ripped and Mangled/
I'm not fit for halos, but now back to the Topic at Hand/
My balance slipping but talent isn't, Jesus Christ, God's Gift To Man/
Got sicker plans, but feel like I should give it up cuz I ain't Finding Help/
Might as well, write my suicide note in blood from the wrist I Sliced Myself/
Lighting black candles with a quija board to summon Lifeless Spirits/
No reason for, bringing these demons forth, I just wanna Cypher With It/
I like their visit, speaking Latin backwards as Im Drawing their Pentagram/
Eat rappers as a snack first, leave their beating Heart on the Center Stand/
It's seldom known, I didn't call the devil just to Sell My Soul/
For a "talent I possess" but I digress, I need no one to Help Me Grow/
From this, hell I know, photographic how I Develop Thru The Negative/
Hella graphic, almost telepathic how I'm Enveloped In My Edifice/
These sentences for my nemesis is excellent from my Demons Penmanship/
Rhymes turn to ash, blood urn is smashed, and the Reasons Evident/
If you learned all the secrets I'm speaking would u Even Believe It?/
I mean you can't spell "beaLIEve," without the Lie, so Who's Really Deceiving?/
We can't choose between who's the demon, cause we're Stupid People/
So if you do Believe, then you Will See, what they Do Is Evil//
Inno is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-10-2018, 08:37 PM   #5
Elemental P
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 856




Rep Power: 4507452
Elemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant future
Default

Thanks for taking care of that, perfect.
Elemental P is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-11-2018, 12:12 AM   #6
Problumatic
Member
 
Problumatic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 79
Battle Record: 0-1



Rep Power: 6797930
Problumatic has a brilliant futureProblumatic has a brilliant futureProblumatic has a brilliant futureProblumatic has a brilliant futureProblumatic has a brilliant futureProblumatic has a brilliant futureProblumatic has a brilliant futureProblumatic has a brilliant futureProblumatic has a brilliant futureProblumatic has a brilliant futureProblumatic has a brilliant future
Default




The Walls:


I paint a innocent image that they'll consider a gimmick/
And what my vision entails.. some sort of cynical prison/
It's Equipped with Syringes.. a cylindrical prism/
Plus they limit the visits to fit their smidgen of interest/

Zero...

Inside these concrete walls, you'd never block these calls/
So many voices in my head I got a posse hauled/
Watch me crawl .. playing hide and seek with my thoughts/
Let my psyche creep to a side where I can be involved/
Once the irony is solved... ain't no humor to drink to/
Stupidest thing any human could think to..do is cling to..any another human../
Suddenly substance abusing, muddy and struck with confusion/
Color me fucking amused when - nothing comforts me to this/
She punished me with puns and ugly drunken conclusions/
I feel my soul eternally burning, it’s cremated to ashes, guess I woefully earned it/
And solely the purpose in feeling phony and worthless, stems from days living with you, a pain driven resurgence.../
Stain lifting from you, same restrictions and curses/
Strain constricting the truth, vein slitting and splurges/
Blame pivots the noose, I’m strange, timid, alerted/
She claims victims in two’s, she’s trained, livid and certain/
She stays distance and moves when fate gives the occurrence/
Bouncing off the devil’s den, malevolent thoughts steer/
Casted off to hell and then the delicate costs near/
could settle in lost, fear, deficit, large mirrors,
fell again from harsh years, transcended warfare/
A glare projected and for a minute..my limbs were numb/
fair contested my reflections with shitty rum/
The rarest methods i bare finessed em’ with witty love/
But this time .. the barrel’s depth is an apparent mess/
She say “we never share/connect. if it continues.. well I’ll of bailed and left”/
But really it’s just failed attempts to cover up her stale regret/

...

Just this morning, I woke up to yesterday news/
Struck a cord when that fuckin' whore'll betrays you/
My muscles score from the blunted force of the blame too/
I rung her cord, and She punched ignore in a grey mood/
...
The Suicidal thoughts, infused with humor, lies and faults/
ruin you and I through rumored lies producing blinded cost/
She’ll euthanize a useful mind..that's always flashy pitches/
Through crashes collusion’s and tragic endings, he’s strapped with limits/
He prays he doesn’t wake up inside of a backwards image/
......
She takes his soul till’ he’s eight below and the caskets lifted/

Last edited by Problumatic; 02-11-2018 at 12:55 AM.
Problumatic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-11-2018, 01:15 PM   #7
2tripple0
death warmed over
 
2tripple0's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Downstairs illstreet dam
Posts: 2,564
Battle Record: 6-21



Rep Power: 0
2tripple0 2tripple0 2tripple0 2tripple0 2tripple0 2tripple0 2tripple0 2tripple0 2tripple0 2tripple0 2tripple0
Default

okay decent battle I guess... elemental went with a topic about a demon or some shit who just eats at his victims... his verse was filled with interesting text that seemed to have like real good imagery I guess sortve no really what Im trying to say I got from his text it was more like illusive or written with a good flow with loads of rhyme schemes and inners and shit but it came off real simple and I just couldn't get much from the subject although there was a lot of content being thrown around... anyways the other dude problumatic had a more straightforward piece about someone or a bunch of people or something being locked inside like some sortve facility with walls surrounding... I related to this a bunch I really enjoyed it... it was like a guy just sitting there in his room just kind of staring at the walls like fuck what am I supposed to be doing... I guess ill just have to satisfy myself with what ive got... that was chill good idea man... although if there was anything I could take away from it it was a bit bland... both pieces were written well but if I had to choose one I think im going to give it to problumatic the illusive rhyming was good from elemental but I don't know I just couldn't get much from the topic couldn't really feel it out... felt more like a good open mic piece to me or something you would key up for the discussion thread or something like that... anyways yeah... no hate er nothing but... yeah... vote: problumatic both writers keep doing there thing though.. you both got talent and im sure theres more in store from both of you... yeah that's it...

vote: problumatic
__________________
https://soundcloud.com/user-876573949/
https://soundcloud.com/user-634430314/
2tripple0 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-11-2018, 01:24 PM   #8
Elemental P
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 856




Rep Power: 4507452
Elemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant futureElemental P has a brilliant future
Default

Dope man appreciate actual feedback and I agree actually. I didn't really get creative with a topic. 0-1 upping, good break down bro.
Elemental P is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-12-2018, 08:21 PM   #9
Adonis
Tsk Tsk
 
Adonis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Beer Goggles
Posts: 4,834
Battle Record: 36-34


Champed
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- NFL Pick'em 2016-17

Rep Power: 9946445
Adonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant futureAdonis has a brilliant future
Default

EP - So, becaue you chose to go with the prominent flow and rhyme structure such as this, it makes it noticeable when you come up short/long on syllable count here and there. Basically what that means is, because you chose to be patterned with a well timed flow, the missteps become clear as day. "diff-er-ent Ang-les///Rippped and Man-gled" is one example where the count was off but could have easily been corrected. The character seams torn, almost as if he wants to be good but has given in to the realities of the world, which seem more negative From Ouija Boards to demons, you touche on stuff vaguely, but never had a true point I'm afraid. You mentioned summoning the demon for the potential of selling ur soul, but didn't because your talents are good without the help. Seems like the verse is a writer going through the motions and realizing that this Earth and game called life is both hard, and thinks why would a good god create such terrible. Not a new thought, but conveyed well enough. Finally, you had a ton of grammatical errors. Good flow, decent story, not half bad. Has a real old timey feel, like me reading a verse from over at my home site circa B-boys 99' or so.

OH - please don't clog the battle threads with posts following votes. You can do that in the Discussion thread. Thanks. This can be construed as swaying by a few asswads around here.



Problematic - Just as many grammatical errors as your opponent, so thats awash. Your verse was a bit confusing man, not clear enough. You rambled about a relationship a bit, you touched on abusive upbringing, you talked about schizophrnia, but you never truly focused on on one single point. you had a broad stroke instead of a ball point pen, which muddled the things you did well in this verse.



v/ Elemental P

more concise writing and cleaner flow/story line
__________________
I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is

TUPAC SHAKUR

Last edited by Adonis; 02-12-2018 at 08:36 PM.
Adonis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-12-2018, 08:26 PM   #10
Sammy
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 103



Champed
- Write Week 7

Rep Power: 3415772
Sammy has a brilliant futureSammy has a brilliant futureSammy has a brilliant futureSammy has a brilliant futureSammy has a brilliant futureSammy has a brilliant futureSammy has a brilliant futureSammy has a brilliant futureSammy has a brilliant futureSammy has a brilliant futureSammy has a brilliant future
Default

El - ok i think this verse was about.... what is this verse about?? Lots of random references. There were violence, religion, and i think Illuminati? The content was boring but the redeeming factor here was the technicality. Flow was good. Almost flawless. I felt every rhyme hit where it was supposed to be.

Problem - quit acting like your new to this and lose that silly slash thing at the end of your lines. That shit aside, i really like this piece. Possibly my fav of the week. The flow was dope and the images you opted to use to reinforce your concept was, i felt, spot on. My fav part was

Quote:
Just this morning, I woke up to yesterday news/
Struck a cord when that fuckin' whore'll betrays you/
My muscles score from the blunted force of the blame too/
I rung her cord, and She punched ignore in a grey mood/
V/ Pro. I thought it was the better written piece. Def shade of a seasoned vet. El, despite the snooze fest concept, i feel you are built for this. Your command of flow language will serve you well. Hope you continue the path, sir.
Sammy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-13-2018, 01:01 AM   #11
Rude
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 65




Rep Power: 713766
Rude has a brilliant futureRude has a brilliant futureRude has a brilliant futureRude has a brilliant futureRude has a brilliant futureRude has a brilliant futureRude has a brilliant futureRude has a brilliant futureRude has a brilliant futureRude has a brilliant futureRude has a brilliant future
Default

Elemental P - (lol I swear I almost picked that picture for a topic but wasn't sure if anyone
had used in in previous weeks and didn't want to beat a dead horse so I found the cyberpunk pic)

like the inners/multis/flow patterns you got going on...
was a really dope verse overall. like i said flow af, rhyme patterns were crazy good.
I don't feel like you touched the topic really til about half way through.
There were some dope wordplay themes you had going on - one that stood out most :

Quote:
From this, hell I know, photographic how I Develop Thru The Negative/
Hella graphic, almost telepathic how I'm Enveloped In My Edifice/
loved the photographic/develop/negative - then the hell(a) graphic/edifice. - nice.

Problematic -
ahh.... you got the flow and multis too ...
slight issue with te wording on "cling to-- any another human" feel like that should have been any other human to flow better here.
AHHHHH this was dope af. the flow/the rhyming patterns the story, the poetic language
I cant really find any fault except the one above and now I am convinced it had to be a typo.

Honestly tough to call this one but i lean more towards Prob's verse as it was slightly more relatable (obviously summoning demons is towards the bottom of my list of favorite things to do ... j/k) just some of those lines that 'built the wall' concept (pun intended) really hit home for me.


V/Problematic
Rude is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2018, 12:55 AM   #12
ACTIVATE SELF
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 732
Battle Record: 2-1


Champed
- Art of Writing League

Rep Power: 19584275
ACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant futureACTIVATE SELF has a brilliant future
Default

Elemental P
Okay, so this wasn't bad at all. You're mechanics were impeccable. Namely, the flow. Which I thought read smoothy from beginning to end. You're cadence was easy to follow as every single syllable seemed to have hit exactly where it was suppose to. All of which equalled up to an effortless read for me. However, the flow was pretty much the only thing that this verse had going for it, E. It's not that you're lyrics were bad -- I really like the black candles and backwards Latin part -- it's just that aside from those lines you're content wasn't really all that memorable. I think it's because your piece read more like a lyrical exercise/flex joint than it did a topical or story. While reading it I was never quite sure what it was trying to express, and also towards the end it started to wane and waver way too much for me to focus my attention. My mind kind of began to drift off 3/4th of way in. With that said, I can tell you're pen game is nice enough to drop some bomb ass verse in the rounds to come, now that I believe you have a more solid understanding of what is typically "expected" from an AWOL verse. Again, not bad.

Problematic:
Okay, so off the bat I have three qualms with this piece.

Number 1: Typos. We are all guilty of having this issue. In my most recent battle I had 3 or 4 of them myself. So, the hypocrisy in my criticism is not lost on me. With that said, the "any another human" part sticks out like a sore thumb, it disrupts the flow, and in turn it also briefly diminishes the quality of the reading experience.

Number 2: Conciseness. I feel like you spent a lot of time saying the same things in different ways. I get you were trying to emphasis the severity of the love stricken suicide ballad/psycho obsession (for lack of better terminology), but so much of what you wrote could have been summed up in half the amount of lines and the time it took you to write them. In keeping with that analysis, I believe had you been more concise you probably could have added other elements and plot sensitive details to you're story, thus fleshing it out more and making the read richer in content.

Number 3: Theme. We've all read these depressed su/homicidal pyscho whatever pieces a thousand times over. Thus, there is seldom any semblance of sincerity or originality that can be found when reading a verse that explores such recycled subject matter. The end result is that, more often than not, the writing reads generic and rehashed.

With that said, you're wording is crisp, clean and sure of its self. You're flow and technical abilities are top notch and impressive to observe. While your overall product reads well enough to hold my attention due to it's story-driven content and sprinkled poetic darkness. You're a dope writer. However, next round try to give us a topic less examined by the battle board masses.

Vote: Problematic
He edges out the dub here, because I believe both writers were equal in technical skill an d ability, but Problem's verse had more flesh to sink my teeth in and his story had a clearer ambition and motive.

Last edited by ACTIVATE SELF; 02-15-2018 at 03:17 AM.
ACTIVATE SELF is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 03:37 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2024 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Google+