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Old 02-06-2018, 08:59 PM   #1
Inno
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Default WEEK VIII: 2tripple0 vs Adonis[ADONIS WINS]



Season 8

Verses are due SATURDAY at 11:59PM EST

Voting ends MONDAY at 9:00PM EST

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words

Voting on 3 battles is required.


Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253
@2tripple0 vs @Adonis

Goodluck!

Last edited by Inno; 02-20-2018 at 08:53 PM.
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Old 02-07-2018, 08:30 AM   #2
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Old 02-08-2018, 07:15 AM   #3
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Old 02-10-2018, 12:59 PM   #4
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I didn't know how to connect directly to this image at first
so I decided to word it in a way that I thought might have worked
and realized early November about five years ago yo my life changed
I could tell you how I felt but only in a quote in order to explain

Quote:
Holding close to rosaries, I run.
broken screams that never sail. They hum.
Exposed we became hopeless overdosing on rum
and turning sail into the ocean. Soaking ourselves...
You may think that I was drunk but fuck it and yeah I know its dumb
but i'm thinking of buying a boat and giving it the name of someone I love
shes memorable and you can find her at any point that you need to
shes pretty too someone you could relate to if you only she believes you



Rt, I was on the beach all weekend and I saw this old sailboat for sale.
I was totally like, this the shit that'll make up for all those times I failed.
So right away I bought it... and now I can't wait to get it out on the water
Now this sailboat has become my new chore and im so happy I bought her
I took her out for the first time hoping I didn't corrode the vessel
shes a bit hard to control but during the trip I managed to keep her level
slowly over time the Ocean water became more and more disgusting
from all the garbage we pour into it. And it became hard to keep moving



On another trip out a few other sailboats ended up being on the water
I pointed out some things that distinguished them from one another
as we sailed beach side mai thai, I let the rules of ship lead me ary.
the sun bound itself downward as we head toward its high life. ....
Navigate every port then Sail to the North
I am that face that will never Appear in the shore....
Following me through and through each boat another Pest,
Like a radioactive ocean I've become a painter with a mind Grotesque,
So Complex as we reach our final measurement our time unspent
Then as the boats commenced to reach the end of this little stretch
We reached the beach nearby and as we approached its own reply
These people were just sitting out chilling making the most of the sun
I tried to make sense but seemed to be caught up and lost by this one



Sitting on the dock, the boats sail off beyond the scorching sun,
praying to God ..... I hope I haven't forgot about anyone
I have a permanent beach-side residence in sicily
..... Who decided to venture the vast ocean incredibly
because swimming in a little Puddle Depresses,
Ive visited this spot three times cause im a fool for the sea and its coalescence...
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Old 02-11-2018, 11:52 PM   #5
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~
~


~The Lost City of Zhor~


I’ve searched your highs and lows for the secrets you hold
Climbed your peaks to find peace through the creaks in your skull
Been lost in a spot with your leaves that I fold
I was baptized but woke, stretched above sea to keep my feet both afloat
I’d slant across rock to find footing to grasp
Hoping to be lost in your winds as they’re whooping my ass
Every day something new, A junky set loose
Running amuck on terrain yet charted I choose
But through all my endeavors, one I’ll never neglect
Reaching into your stone as high as sky ever would get
Not a peak, no; A valley… Serene green as lush as can be
A River flowing up stream, with perpetual, moderate, beams
Kicking pheromone heights, they stood, frozen in time
A peaceful people forgotten, but i'm here to remind
They stood still… happy; lost within joy
Playing out side with sun rays kissing their noise
Not a TV in sight, No Captivating small screen
None enslaved by the stream, glancing continuously, lost in a dream
Nope, they enjoyed simpler times, primitive yet refined
Playing on couches made for wrestling and not killing clocks watching time
And so I climb…

Out on a limb for a whim, searching to find
That fleeting feeling of freedom, my affection to hold
That time I got lost in lost souls, the city of Zhor
Such a pity it froze










~
~





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Old 02-12-2018, 05:52 PM   #6
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2tripple0 -

i like sail concept. It started off kind of slow and hard for me to engage interest in a little though... but I liked the direction at the end, opposed to when I had started .. so it has a couple of solid lines that stand as the legs of this piece to me. “I am the face that never will appear on the shore.” And “Slowly over time the water became more and more disgusting.” It meant the most to me and served as direction changers to me. They were soild. Overall decent piece that could be better with some more polishing as far as the articulation of the piece goes.

Adonis:
I really like the opener on this one. Great rhymes scheme on the first few bars and that instantly drew me in because I just enjoy schemes a lot. Content was dope. Was worded really well and it gave me an old timey feel. It was written in a uniquely expressive format .. seems like the writer was experessing his personal emotion through scenarios and imagery irrelevant to his actual self. Shit was cool.

V/Adonis
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Old 02-12-2018, 06:05 PM   #7
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2Tripple: ok so tbh I wasn't feeling the verse so much cuz I was expecting more of a rap vibe than the poetic haiku style you went with. So the flow and scheme wasn't there for me. However the imagery was really nice and kinda reminds me of the movie Logan with them trying to get the sun seeker and Fuck off from the world. I would preffered some more rhyme in it tho. You kept to the topic of your pic, no real twists to it.

Adonis: this is more the style I was looking for when reading a topical battle. Nice flow and rhyme scheme mixed with your verse. Good imagery and liked the ending. Wasn't anything craG as far as the end goes but I felt like it really came together with how you ended it.

Overall: I felt this is one sided, doesn't mean it was a bad battle but I was expecting more of a hip-hop style from Trip, not knocking his verse, just my own preference and taste is subjective.
Vote:Adonis, liked his approach to his topic better and the rhyme scheme and imagery used.
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Old 02-12-2018, 08:11 PM   #8
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Trip - Somehow the simplistic diction’s gave the verse more depth then i believe intended. You’re good with that as I’ve noticed. But overall this verse was kinda wack. It went on an on about something. That’s the problem, i don’t know what that something is. Might’ve been about life’s journey coming to an end or some shit. I do, however, like the time unspent/ little stretch couplet was cool.

Adonis - everyone seems to be dipping a toe into the nostalgic stream lately. Dull (or was it big baby) did one in open mic (which was dope by the way). I like how you anchored the image of a lost Atlantis thing to the rose colored tint of a long gone chapter. Very nice.

Vote - Adonis. Stronger in pretty much all area.
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Old 02-13-2018, 12:42 AM   #9
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2 Tripple - I liked the story you created out of the picture, a very optimistic tale.
Very 4th Wall breaking of you to address the readers as to how you planned on
aproaching the topic in the beginning stanza.

The language was very slang/hip-hopish with a little bit of poetics sprinkled throughout.
I think you could benefit from punctuation. Not saying it has to be 100% grammatically
correct but for instance ---

Quote:
shes pretty too someone you could relate to if you only she believes you
while I understand that believes you rhymes with the previous lines 'need you' there should be some commas or dashes to initiate a pause between certain phrases like "she's pretty too, (comma) someone you could relate to...." I think you had a typo here? with "if you only she" I feel like the word KNEW is missing maybe? like "if you only Knew, she" ?

So all in all it was cool that you pulled a story together from the topic, but like you first stanza
and the last line of your forth stanza suggests, I think you were a little lost on the topic and not sure what to do with it.



Adonis - flow and multis on point here and really stand out and shine.
"I was baptized but woke" idk what you intended for us to read with this, but
this was such a hard hitting phrase for me, as I know alot of poeple who are
saved/christian/baptists but close minded and just refuse to be woke - out of it.
I feel like this touched on several different interwoven subjects and I'm not sure
which one to pinpoint so it's almost like schrodinger's cat verse, it's all of the above
and it's none of the above and I think that's what really made me enjoy it more.
Each time I read through it I pick up something else. All the usual skills/categories
I usually look for were exceptional - great verse


V/ Adonis for a cleaner more well rounded verse.
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Old 02-15-2018, 02:34 AM   #10
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2tripple0
Bro, I thought your first 3 stanzas (quote included) were really dope. I especially dug the wording and the idea found in the part about naming the boat after someone whom you loved. You know, uhm, in my opinion, what is most captivating about your verse ,and writing just in general, is that it possess a matter-of-factness to it. What I mean by that is that it comes across as being honest. Non pretentious. Genuine. As a reader you get what you see. There are no gimmicks or shortcomings intentionally hidden behide glittering mechanics and airy psychobabble that reads good from a technically point of view, but ultimately lacks substantial nutrition. Instead, you're writing reads naked. Exposed. Heart on its sleeve. Opened booked and has depth. There is a humanity that can be found inside of it, that I feel tells us a lot about you as a person. How you think and what your character as a man might be comprised of. It offers insight and food for thought. In a nutshell: it's real shit.

With that said, after the first 3 promising stanzas the verse began to depreciate in overall value. Although, it still possessed a resonanting quality and sense of purpose to it, and there were still some fragmented gems scattered about, the overall piece however, gradually .. inevitably .. declined and collapsed upon itself, due to poorly constructed rhyme schemes and sloppy wording that diminished the brillance of your underlying themes and the singular ideas you had per line. If you were to work at improving your technical skills, which would serve to the benefit of ehancing your unique and heartfelt written voice, then well, I believe you would transform into an elite-level writer. My 2 cents.

Adonis
At first i thought to myself, "what the fuck is 'Donis talking about?", I loved it, but had no clue. Honestly, I had none. Then I got to the end and saw the picture. Man, this is scary good writing, near perfect. My mistake lied in me trying to judge it before I understood it. And truthfully I still don't. But there is a beauty in it's mystery. Like the picture that inspired it. Your words are powerful, poignant, philosophical in nature. Your content is serene, as it appears to speak to a much higher truth about finding tranquility, and the spiritual peace that rest within the stillness of our physical world, while one calmly partakes in observation of the soul and mind. And by virtue of such meditative exploration, you seemed to have broken the metaphysical chains of today. That often confine us to the illusional that is our current state of temporary existence and condition. An act which freed your from the "now'', and allowed you to time travel via the vehicle of memory, to a land that had been long lost beneath a mythical sea of yesteryear's Nostalgia. At least, that's my interpretation. With that said, your mechanics were A1. The flow, scheme, wording and imagery were all stunningly impressive. Lastly, the "killing times watching clocks" part was exceptionally good writing.

Vote: Adonis
Because this week he was flawless.

This was actually a pretty good battle for various different reasons. Peace.

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