02-06-2018, 09:02 PM | #1 |
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WEEK VIII: Elemental P vs Problumatic[PROBLUMATIC WINS]
Season 8 Verses are due SATURDAY at 11:59PM EST Voting ends MONDAY at 9:00PM EST Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words Voting on 3 battles is required. Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253 @Elemental P vs @Problumatic Goodluck! Last edited by Inno; 02-20-2018 at 08:54 PM. |
02-07-2018, 11:23 PM | #2 |
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Checkmate
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02-08-2018, 06:28 PM | #3 |
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Check
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02-10-2018, 07:29 PM | #4 | |
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Quote:
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02-10-2018, 08:37 PM | #5 |
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Thanks for taking care of that, perfect.
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02-11-2018, 12:12 AM | #6 |
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The Walls: I paint a innocent image that they'll consider a gimmick/ And what my vision entails.. some sort of cynical prison/ It's Equipped with Syringes.. a cylindrical prism/ Plus they limit the visits to fit their smidgen of interest/ Zero... Inside these concrete walls, you'd never block these calls/ So many voices in my head I got a posse hauled/ Watch me crawl .. playing hide and seek with my thoughts/ Let my psyche creep to a side where I can be involved/ Once the irony is solved... ain't no humor to drink to/ Stupidest thing any human could think to..do is cling to..any another human../ Suddenly substance abusing, muddy and struck with confusion/ Color me fucking amused when - nothing comforts me to this/ She punished me with puns and ugly drunken conclusions/ I feel my soul eternally burning, it’s cremated to ashes, guess I woefully earned it/ And solely the purpose in feeling phony and worthless, stems from days living with you, a pain driven resurgence.../ Stain lifting from you, same restrictions and curses/ Strain constricting the truth, vein slitting and splurges/ Blame pivots the noose, I’m strange, timid, alerted/ She claims victims in two’s, she’s trained, livid and certain/ She stays distance and moves when fate gives the occurrence/ Bouncing off the devil’s den, malevolent thoughts steer/ Casted off to hell and then the delicate costs near/ could settle in lost, fear, deficit, large mirrors, fell again from harsh years, transcended warfare/ A glare projected and for a minute..my limbs were numb/ fair contested my reflections with shitty rum/ The rarest methods i bare finessed em’ with witty love/ But this time .. the barrel’s depth is an apparent mess/ She say “we never share/connect. if it continues.. well I’ll of bailed and left”/ But really it’s just failed attempts to cover up her stale regret/ ... Just this morning, I woke up to yesterday news/ Struck a cord when that fuckin' whore'll betrays you/ My muscles score from the blunted force of the blame too/ I rung her cord, and She punched ignore in a grey mood/ ... The Suicidal thoughts, infused with humor, lies and faults/ ruin you and I through rumored lies producing blinded cost/ She’ll euthanize a useful mind..that's always flashy pitches/ Through crashes collusion’s and tragic endings, he’s strapped with limits/ He prays he doesn’t wake up inside of a backwards image/ ...... She takes his soul till’ he’s eight below and the caskets lifted/ Last edited by Problumatic; 02-11-2018 at 12:55 AM. |
02-11-2018, 01:15 PM | #7 |
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okay decent battle I guess... elemental went with a topic about a demon or some shit who just eats at his victims... his verse was filled with interesting text that seemed to have like real good imagery I guess sortve no really what Im trying to say I got from his text it was more like illusive or written with a good flow with loads of rhyme schemes and inners and shit but it came off real simple and I just couldn't get much from the subject although there was a lot of content being thrown around... anyways the other dude problumatic had a more straightforward piece about someone or a bunch of people or something being locked inside like some sortve facility with walls surrounding... I related to this a bunch I really enjoyed it... it was like a guy just sitting there in his room just kind of staring at the walls like fuck what am I supposed to be doing... I guess ill just have to satisfy myself with what ive got... that was chill good idea man... although if there was anything I could take away from it it was a bit bland... both pieces were written well but if I had to choose one I think im going to give it to problumatic the illusive rhyming was good from elemental but I don't know I just couldn't get much from the topic couldn't really feel it out... felt more like a good open mic piece to me or something you would key up for the discussion thread or something like that... anyways yeah... no hate er nothing but... yeah... vote: problumatic both writers keep doing there thing though.. you both got talent and im sure theres more in store from both of you... yeah that's it...
vote: problumatic
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02-11-2018, 01:24 PM | #8 |
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Dope man appreciate actual feedback and I agree actually. I didn't really get creative with a topic. 0-1 upping, good break down bro.
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02-12-2018, 08:21 PM | #9 |
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EP - So, becaue you chose to go with the prominent flow and rhyme structure such as this, it makes it noticeable when you come up short/long on syllable count here and there. Basically what that means is, because you chose to be patterned with a well timed flow, the missteps become clear as day. "diff-er-ent Ang-les///Rippped and Man-gled" is one example where the count was off but could have easily been corrected. The character seams torn, almost as if he wants to be good but has given in to the realities of the world, which seem more negative From Ouija Boards to demons, you touche on stuff vaguely, but never had a true point I'm afraid. You mentioned summoning the demon for the potential of selling ur soul, but didn't because your talents are good without the help. Seems like the verse is a writer going through the motions and realizing that this Earth and game called life is both hard, and thinks why would a good god create such terrible. Not a new thought, but conveyed well enough. Finally, you had a ton of grammatical errors. Good flow, decent story, not half bad. Has a real old timey feel, like me reading a verse from over at my home site circa B-boys 99' or so.
OH - please don't clog the battle threads with posts following votes. You can do that in the Discussion thread. Thanks. This can be construed as swaying by a few asswads around here. Problematic - Just as many grammatical errors as your opponent, so thats awash. Your verse was a bit confusing man, not clear enough. You rambled about a relationship a bit, you touched on abusive upbringing, you talked about schizophrnia, but you never truly focused on on one single point. you had a broad stroke instead of a ball point pen, which muddled the things you did well in this verse. v/ Elemental P more concise writing and cleaner flow/story line
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I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR Last edited by Adonis; 02-12-2018 at 08:36 PM. |
02-12-2018, 08:26 PM | #10 | |
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El - ok i think this verse was about.... what is this verse about?? Lots of random references. There were violence, religion, and i think Illuminati? The content was boring but the redeeming factor here was the technicality. Flow was good. Almost flawless. I felt every rhyme hit where it was supposed to be.
Problem - quit acting like your new to this and lose that silly slash thing at the end of your lines. That shit aside, i really like this piece. Possibly my fav of the week. The flow was dope and the images you opted to use to reinforce your concept was, i felt, spot on. My fav part was Quote:
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02-13-2018, 01:01 AM | #11 | |
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Elemental P - (lol I swear I almost picked that picture for a topic but wasn't sure if anyone
had used in in previous weeks and didn't want to beat a dead horse so I found the cyberpunk pic) like the inners/multis/flow patterns you got going on... was a really dope verse overall. like i said flow af, rhyme patterns were crazy good. I don't feel like you touched the topic really til about half way through. There were some dope wordplay themes you had going on - one that stood out most : Quote:
Problematic - ahh.... you got the flow and multis too ... slight issue with te wording on "cling to-- any another human" feel like that should have been any other human to flow better here. AHHHHH this was dope af. the flow/the rhyming patterns the story, the poetic language I cant really find any fault except the one above and now I am convinced it had to be a typo. Honestly tough to call this one but i lean more towards Prob's verse as it was slightly more relatable (obviously summoning demons is towards the bottom of my list of favorite things to do ... j/k) just some of those lines that 'built the wall' concept (pun intended) really hit home for me. V/Problematic |
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02-15-2018, 12:55 AM | #12 |
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Elemental P
Okay, so this wasn't bad at all. You're mechanics were impeccable. Namely, the flow. Which I thought read smoothy from beginning to end. You're cadence was easy to follow as every single syllable seemed to have hit exactly where it was suppose to. All of which equalled up to an effortless read for me. However, the flow was pretty much the only thing that this verse had going for it, E. It's not that you're lyrics were bad -- I really like the black candles and backwards Latin part -- it's just that aside from those lines you're content wasn't really all that memorable. I think it's because your piece read more like a lyrical exercise/flex joint than it did a topical or story. While reading it I was never quite sure what it was trying to express, and also towards the end it started to wane and waver way too much for me to focus my attention. My mind kind of began to drift off 3/4th of way in. With that said, I can tell you're pen game is nice enough to drop some bomb ass verse in the rounds to come, now that I believe you have a more solid understanding of what is typically "expected" from an AWOL verse. Again, not bad. Problematic: Okay, so off the bat I have three qualms with this piece. Number 1: Typos. We are all guilty of having this issue. In my most recent battle I had 3 or 4 of them myself. So, the hypocrisy in my criticism is not lost on me. With that said, the "any another human" part sticks out like a sore thumb, it disrupts the flow, and in turn it also briefly diminishes the quality of the reading experience. Number 2: Conciseness. I feel like you spent a lot of time saying the same things in different ways. I get you were trying to emphasis the severity of the love stricken suicide ballad/psycho obsession (for lack of better terminology), but so much of what you wrote could have been summed up in half the amount of lines and the time it took you to write them. In keeping with that analysis, I believe had you been more concise you probably could have added other elements and plot sensitive details to you're story, thus fleshing it out more and making the read richer in content. Number 3: Theme. We've all read these depressed su/homicidal pyscho whatever pieces a thousand times over. Thus, there is seldom any semblance of sincerity or originality that can be found when reading a verse that explores such recycled subject matter. The end result is that, more often than not, the writing reads generic and rehashed. With that said, you're wording is crisp, clean and sure of its self. You're flow and technical abilities are top notch and impressive to observe. While your overall product reads well enough to hold my attention due to it's story-driven content and sprinkled poetic darkness. You're a dope writer. However, next round try to give us a topic less examined by the battle board masses. Vote: Problematic He edges out the dub here, because I believe both writers were equal in technical skill an d ability, but Problem's verse had more flesh to sink my teeth in and his story had a clearer ambition and motive. Last edited by ACTIVATE SELF; 02-15-2018 at 03:17 AM. |
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