09-29-2020, 02:35 AM | #1 |
Shrewd as evearthed
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Wolverhampton, England
Posts: 8,255
Battle Record: 28-3
Champed - Gimmick Battle League
- The Winter Topical
- Topical Martyrs
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- Lyric Olympics
- Art of Writing League
- Guerrilla Writing League (2x)
- Black August II
Rep Power: 85899391 |
SEMI FINAL: Adverse vs Johnny 6-Feet - ADVERSE WINS!
Welcome, boils and ghouls! This is the semi-final round of the biggest topical tournament in the Netcees calendar year. 4 remain. 2 will progress. 32 lines separating you and the losers bench. Do not disappoint. We have replacements on hand ready to fill-in on short notice, you WILL get a battle so please do not assume your opponent is no-showing. It’s go hard or home. This is it. Verses are due: Tuesday 6th October 9pm UK time. Your topic is: @Adverse @Johnny 6-Feet
__________________
- Netcees Rebuttal Tourney - Art of Writing League (x 4) - AOWL Season 11 Champion (Undefeated Season) |
09-29-2020, 05:50 AM | #2 |
Storyteller
Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 446
Battle Record: 8-4
Champed - Guerrilla Writing League
Rep Power: 5558444 |
Checking in. Good luck!
|
09-29-2020, 09:59 AM | #3 |
low tide in serotonin bay
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,739
Battle Record: 37-28
Champed - GWL Picture Challenge
- Guerrilla Writing League
- Black August II
Rep Power: 15446142 |
Can’t wait good luck to you as well!
|
10-06-2020, 01:15 PM | #4 |
Storyteller
Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 446
Battle Record: 8-4
Champed - Guerrilla Writing League
Rep Power: 5558444 |
The Craftsman
The work of a master craftsman, his labours were passion Put his soul into his work, more than we can imagine He was the talk of village, his stall was swamped at the fetes Dioramas, his microcosms, worked on from dawn until late A creator of worlds, that he towered over; a giant Supplied to spoiled brats, Royal Rats, bowed to his clients It's a paradox to be a subject, but rule a thousand earths To build them by wood and paintbrush from tower tip to turf Then doff your cap to the officials as they tax you to poverty Barely pay your own rent but own a thousand properties The tortured artist hurts the hardest when he lets his creations go Sees his projects, all his children, as they skip down the road In the hands of happy customers, smiles of bliss from his love The rainbow of his colour palette is mixed with his blood In his dreams the figurines wave as they depart from home Hit the crossroads, lost souls, 'Don't leave!' a heartfelt groan Cold sweats in his lonely house, memories of a lost spouse Barren womb before the tomb, no seeds to grow before the drought Round hole in his heart these square pegs couldn't fill Beady eyes like twin voids in their heads give him chills Drove his art to greater heights, the cost was time, he'd pay the price To try to bridge the gap from lifeless kids to his wayward wife Trapped in limbo, this old man, surrounded by unfeeling toys Geppetto sent a prayer to a star one day he'd have a real boy |
10-06-2020, 05:01 PM | #5 |
low tide in serotonin bay
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,739
Battle Record: 37-28
Champed - GWL Picture Challenge
- Guerrilla Writing League
- Black August II
Rep Power: 15446142 |
The bombs burst, Painting the night sky with red streaks of destruction and pride
Wartime ash clings to my clothing like we clung to her side Her warm flesh against ours brought us an abundance of light For as long as I can remember it’s only been her, my two brothers and I We all followed her lead she gave the orders as the oldest Children of misfortune, turned orphans by the bullets Soldiers monotonously march through the square, a scene that’s quite morbid Choking on the dust from their boots as we choke down our rice portions A sea of military green uniforms stretched out before us like an unending forest Like a barrier to protect us from the intruders, an impregnable fortress Enemy forces on the outskirts of town ready to pillage its victims They come veiled in a blanket of dusk every night to take the children and women Anxiety tears through my stomach, as the enemy army appears in a black mist We’re watching it rain chaos from a window up above the action Warriors catching drops on their tongues, as their blades clash, metal screaming to the sky The dirt roads tinted maroon as our soldiers drop seemingly like flies And as our green protectors wither and fall like leaves in the wake of autumn Her hand that I’ve been holding starts to sweat, she becomes shaky palmed As the savages rip open the closed doors of the residences below us She hugs me and my brothers closely, and then in the same motion she throws us Splinters fly as we tumble across the course, wooden floors… If only now I could scream those words I couldn’t before She took one last glance at us, smiling, as her delicate fist shattered the pane She foundthe perfect piece of glass, gathered her strength, then she slashed up her veins With the kick of a hardened boot the door flew off of its hinges revealing the image Of a girl face down on the floor, in a room painted crimson I gained a different perspective glazed in your gore, laying on the floor Witnessing hopelessness painting the cobblestone even greyer than before A single tear escapes my beady, black desolate eyes.. You said we’d always be together,it was a LIE cus now you’re gone, and WE never will die.. If only my stitched on mouth could have called out through the wake of the fallout I could have saved you...now all I can do is helplessly watch the bloodshed from this dollhouse |
10-07-2020, 07:46 AM | #6 |
Everything's Connected
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Niagara Falls, Canada
Posts: 999
Battle Record: 19-8
Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x)
- GWL Picture challenge(2x)
- Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 10178702 |
Amazing battle. Don't sleep on this one, people. I'll kick things off.
J6F - Beautifully crafted as always. Flow was on point. I enjoyed this story - This topic wasn't exactly the best but you took it in the direction that it seemed to want to go. That's both a positive and a negative, in a way. Yes, it fit like a glove... but also it was fairly predictable. That said, there weren't many options and I think, working within the parameters that you were given, you did a great job here. I feel, after re-reading your verse, that you are fine tuning your craft to a razor's edge. Everything is tightened up and bordering on flawless, technically. You keep getting better, and that's scary... (I should get my rematch in sooner than later I think lol.) Highlights: "It's a paradox to be a subject, but rule a thousand earths To build them by wood and paintbrush from tower tip to turf" - subject that rules a thousand earths was dope. "The tortured artist hurts the hardest when he lets his creations go Sees his projects, all his children, as they skip down the road" - Real talk. Kind of how we all feel after our stories are put to rest and voted on... out of our control now. "In his dreams the figurines wave as they depart from home Hit the crossroads, lost souls,*'Don't leave!'*a heartfelt groan" - Nice multi's here. "Round hole in his heart these square pegs couldn't fill Beady eyes like twin voids in their heads give him chills" - Round hole - square pegs... well done. The thing about a J6F verse is that they are so damn smooth to read, yet packed with detail. This is extremely hard to do, yet you make it look easy. Kudos on a job well done, and my condolences for your recent loss in the family. The fact that you are still writing is a testament to your passion for this. I've seen it in from day one and it just keeps growing. Adverse - Damn... This was one hell of a story. Visceral as fuck. I felt like I was watching a war movie with shaky cameras as everything unfolded. You really did an outstanding job putting me in the moment... it didn't feel like a story. It felt like a first hand account of things happening NOW, like right now. I was literally glued to the screen, and when I finished I put my phone down and just sort of stared into the distance lol... fuck. Okay, so obviously I loved this, but there were some negatives. Long, awkward flow at points - just didn't seem as technically polished as Johnny's. But that's not how you write - you are a very intense and deep writer that likes to connect with people emotionally... And you did that here in a BIG way. Again, this topic kind of sucked, but you turned water to wine here, my friend... Highlights: "The bombs burst, Painting the night sky with red streaks of destruction and pride Wartime ash clings to my clothing like we clung to her side Her warm flesh against ours brought us an abundance of light For as long as I can remember it’s only been her, my two brothers and I" - I'm going to highlight this beginning because I appreciate the rhyme scheme going on for longer than just a bar. It's rare nowadays that people can carry a flow, and I appreciate it everytime someone does it right. "Soldiers monotonously march through the square, a scene that’s quite morbid Choking on the dust from their boots as we choke down our rice portions A sea of military green uniforms stretched out before us like an unending forest Like a barrier to protect us from the intruders, an impregnable fortress" - And again lol. Dope visuals. "Warriors catching drops on their tongues, as their blades clash, metal screaming to the sky The dirt roads tinted maroon as our soldiers drop seemingly like flies" - I mean, Addy is LIVING this story. It's so intense to me. "As the savages rip open the closed doors of the residences below us She hugs me and my brothers closely, and then in the same motion she throws us Splinters fly as we tumble across the course, wooden floors… If only now I could scream those words I couldn’t before" - Like fuck... I'm just as invested re-reading this. "With the kick of a hardened boot the door flew off of its hinges revealing the image Of a girl face down on the floor, in a room painted crimson I gained a different perspective glazed in your gore, laying on the floor Witnessing hopelessness painting the cobblestone even greyer than before" - Jesus. I got chills. Again. Ending was good too but I think the overlong flow fucked it up for me, just a little. Dude, this may be my favorite piece from you yer. This is what's called firing on all cylinders. The technical aspects held you down from perfection here, but this was as close as you've come, imo. I've beaten you twice in topicals... but, if I'm being honest, I don't think I would've beaten this. So, I mean, how do you choose? A technically flawless piece that's honed to near perfection like a diamond, or a rambling chaotic story that literally made my hair stand up and put a lump in my throat? I think, to me, I would be doing everyone a disservice by not going with the story that literally affected me in a physical way. I think Adverse reached out from the screen here and leveled me. Johnny was near perfection but didn't have the same emotional impact. But I mean, can't really go wrong either way with these two. Vote - Adverse Love you both.
__________________
..Passed the Present and Future.. |
10-07-2020, 12:32 PM | #7 |
Senior Member
|
I'm impressed with both
Both had nice and smooth verse Both did spectacular job but there's only can be one winner vote Adverse I thought his verse more polished Last edited by Dope girl; 10-07-2020 at 01:52 PM. |
10-08-2020, 02:41 PM | #8 |
Shrewd as evearthed
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Wolverhampton, England
Posts: 8,255
Battle Record: 28-3
Champed - Gimmick Battle League
- The Winter Topical
- Topical Martyrs
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- Lyric Olympics
- Art of Writing League
- Guerrilla Writing League (2x)
- Black August II
Rep Power: 85899391 |
Okay gentleman, let’s get into this one... battle of the week!
So my first thoughts on the image were that it had a bleakness to the innocence, a very dark colour tonal palette utilised and lots of sharp disjointed lines with what appears to be a gallows looming in the background? The three wooden puppets could have their metaphorical strings pulled in a few directions here, which lends itself to many threads. The idea of some sort of take on the Pinocchio puppet might be an option, maybe something with a wood chipper or carpenter having them meet their demise, maybe like them venturing Hansel and Gretel style into the woods only for the trees to take their revenge on our wooden figures perhaps? It’s interesting for sure. I would have preferred this image this round. There’s plenty of options available. Let’s see what you both have... Johnny: I enjoyed how you went directly with what was displayed to help build up your world here, placing the reader firmly inside what was shown. The opening couplet hinted at something sinister to come, and I like that. “Talk of (the) village was noticeable but not enough to distract from what was happening for me, the taxation line recalled an earlier couplet by you in another verse if I remember correctly? It definitely has a familiar vibe. The tower tip to turf was a nice bit of alliteration to pull off there, but the standout line “The tortures artist hurts the hardest when he lets his creations go,” was fire. Very relatable. The internal rhyming seems to kick up a notch around this section also, which I’m always a fan of seeing, and you use it naturally in the “In his dreams the figurines...” line which comes off super clean. Just all around good writing from a technical standpoint there. The round hole and square pegs jawn was another nice addition here, definitely quotable, the Gepetto twist at the finale was executed well also as one of my first thoughts was Pinocchio-esque when I saw it, so I enjoyed that twist too. Somewhat leftfield though not entirely. Adverse: I wasn’t entirely sure where you were going with it at first, all the mentions of this fourth character threw me somewhat until the mention of them being orphaned. The war aspect was fitting, but what really lifts this beyond the image is your world building and descriptive language - going outside the box creatively and managing to create this scenario for them that exists outside of what’s seen. I think you played your card well here; opting for your stronger hand of visual imagery to do the storytelling for you over just describing what went down. You gave them a conflict, their own war, their own struggle to survive in these dower circumstances. ‘The sea of green uniforms stretched out before us like an unending forest’ was dope. The ending was somewhat unexpected and I almost didn’t like the idea of the girl slashing her wrist because I don’t think a child would be thinking of that (or shouldn’t be LOL) but bringing it right back to it being a wooden dolls house after all that superbly described war action was a really fun idea and executed well beside that one section, I really enjoyed it. This is tough. I liked Johnny’s in the sense of it’s shorter line lengths and technical aspects coupled with some absolute zinger quotables that he’s always known for, but the descriptive imagery, storytelling and creative twist to Adverse’ piece ultimately won me over here. This turned out to be a really good battle, both had some heat but I’ve got Adverse winning. Keep those pens moving!
__________________
- Netcees Rebuttal Tourney - Art of Writing League (x 4) - AOWL Season 11 Champion (Undefeated Season) Last edited by sral; 10-09-2020 at 02:35 PM. |
10-12-2020, 10:33 AM | #9 | |
Shakespearian Dialect
Join Date: Mar 2020
Location: Brooklyn, NY --> Allentown, PA
Posts: 1,022
Battle Record: 0-3
Rep Power: 0 |
best battle on NC Ive ever seen thus far..
vote - jhonny 6 feet |
10-12-2020, 01:28 PM | #10 |
Shrewd as evearthed
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Wolverhampton, England
Posts: 8,255
Battle Record: 28-3
Champed - Gimmick Battle League
- The Winter Topical
- Topical Martyrs
- Lime Green Poetry Association
- Lyric Olympics
- Art of Writing League
- Guerrilla Writing League (2x)
- Black August II
Rep Power: 85899391 |
lmao care to elaborate as to what lead you to that decision at all or nah?
__________________
- Netcees Rebuttal Tourney - Art of Writing League (x 4) - AOWL Season 11 Champion (Undefeated Season) |
10-12-2020, 06:53 PM | #11 | |
Shakespearian Dialect
Join Date: Mar 2020
Location: Brooklyn, NY --> Allentown, PA
Posts: 1,022
Battle Record: 0-3
Rep Power: 0 |
no.. but I can say that in regards to talent, NC has some of the dopest topical story teller you'd find.. horrible battle rappers and etc but talented writers.. I kid you not, I really read what these guys write, lol..
|
10-14-2020, 11:53 PM | #12 |
Banned
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,962
Battle Record: 6 - 14
Rep Power: 0 |
Johnny 6 Feet:
This got better the more times I read it. On first read, I was looking for more meat, something to cling to and remember. But the more I read it, I realized it does have meat and some subtle high-level technique involved. It's basically a poem, in a good way. Like a narrative poem. Sprinkled throughout are the hardships of the artist: trouble paying rent, a lost spouse, fear of abandonment. On the technical side of things you're pretty sound. Some good internal rhymes. Glad you ended with the pinoccio route because it made sense to go there. Adverse: Great imagery throughout. (though in the opener I'm a little lost as to how bombs can paint a night sky with pride) I was also lost as to why the girl is cutting herself. Confused me. But there is so much imagery and detail packed into this piece I can forgive the confusion. In the beginning parts you strung rhymes for multiple lines. Meaning, where Johnny went aa bb cc dd you went aaaa bbbb ccc then moved towards couplets later on. I mean I think it helped you? Just because of the extra flow of multiple rhymes. But that's not the difference-maker. That would be your descriptions and imagery. Both of you had some good multi-syllable rhymes that I enjoyed. I'm not going to quote them all right now, but they're there. I do think Adverse's extra length of the piece worked to his advantage. So I feel like apologizing to Johnny, because he wrote a sound, technically solid piece, yet I'm voting for Averse (even though I don't "get" it) because of his descriptive storytelling and imagery. This really could go either way and as Universe (I think) said, Johnny keeps improving. |
10-16-2020, 10:53 PM | #13 |
ghost in the matrix
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Covington, KY
Posts: 4,564
Battle Record: 14-25
Champed - Art of Writing League (x2)
- Lime Green Poetry Association
Rep Power: 8181109 |
I had to read both of them a couple times to get myself back into the mindset needed to vote on this fairly considering i've been away for awhile and needed to readjust back into topicals lol
Honestly I enjoyed Johnny's more for the simplistic approach; it made it easier to grasp the flow and imagery, but i feel like it needed that simplicity to make the story pop out to me since it seemed to lack depth. I really liked the take on the topic and the ending brought it full circle with the Pinocchio foreshadow but it just didnt have enough substance to make such a well known story feel like it finally had a back story. Adverse I feel the opposite about. It took a couple reads to really catch the flow intended but i think that was more on my interest in the story and the imagery that i kinda ignored the rhyme scheme just so i could enjoy the story the first read through. I was genuinely interested to get to the reveal line and wasnt disappointed. I got adverse winning just for the more intriguing read with enough help with the flow and imagery to edge out Johhny's crisp rhyme scheme. Good battle ya'll and sorry for a shortish vote. Vote: Adverse
__________________
|
10-19-2020, 02:30 AM | #14 |
low tide in serotonin bay
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,739
Battle Record: 37-28
Champed - GWL Picture Challenge
- Guerrilla Writing League
- Black August II
Rep Power: 15446142 |
Yo 4-0, 5-1 whatever the case may be can we move on to the finals? @sraL
Great battle @Johnny 6 feet |
|
|