Round Two: Adverse vs Sharp - OPEN FOR FEED!

[sral]

Welcome, boils and ghouls!

This is the second round of the biggest topical tournament in the Netcees calendar year. 8 remain. 4 will progress. 32 lines separating you and the losers bench. Do not disappoint. We have replacements on hand ready to fill-in on short notice, you WILL get a battle so please do not assume your opponent is no-showing. It’s go hard or home.

This is it.

Check-in’s are due: Weds 16th September 9pm UK time.

Verses are due: Sunday 20th September 9pm UK time.

The bracket and topics were randomly assigned thanks to Zuch. Your topic is:
@Adverse
@Sharp

[Adverse]

Where’d you come from Sharp?

Good to see ya, check

[Sharp]

I go drunk and posted in a double no show

Check

[Sharp]

Call one of the replacements @Adverse @sraL

[Adverse]

Ext whoever my opponent is

[Adverse]

Destination; Destiny

Overcast skies tonight, the clouds shroud me in emptiness
Only New York streets could be both so crowded and desolate
Grievance weighing on me heavy tonight, my heart is so saddened
I’d look above for validation from God but there’s no stars in Manhattan
I’ve been wandering aimlessly, following the scent of blood
Leading to my descent from above, a stairwell to the city’s cemented guts
My steps, so light and cautious, like I’m trying not to wake the mice
Each footstep lingering like my breath in the air of late July
Beck must have witnessed the same scene, in my ear singing “Strange Apparition”
Fitting since the other victims of the night crowd look like a ghastly vision
I dismiss it as a hallucination, blaming that half-awake haze hoverin my mind
Moments that are usually fleeting won’t move, the always stubborn lady time
I post up, holding my posture against this cement beam for what feels like centuries
Watching the people move on and the train platform emptying..
All at once a heavy anxiety hits me that makes my skeleton crawl
Like it’s trying to writhe its way through my skin, as all the grey melts off the walls
I pull a napkin out to wipe the bullets from my forehead,wash the panicked thoughts away
Trying to calm myself, but my brain insists “WOW this train is awful late!”
Calm...don’t hyperventilate despite what your mind insinuates
He gets a rise out of your demise, he just likes to instigate…
That’s right...breathe...hear it now? The screeching of the rail cars?
I lifted panic’s dumbbell off my chest, ringing out on the ground when it fell hard
I slowly blinked continually waiting for to see the shadow it’d cast
Coming around the bend, I can’t tell if seconds or hours go past
The train finally produces itself, and my anxious doubts resurface tenfold
It clunks to a stop revealing a rusted exterior, all i see is blackness through the windows
The doors fling open, I’m hesitant, the recent scene has addled me
But I’m drawn to the opening, my feet trudge towards it automatically
I’m ushered to my seat by an unseen force and straps me down to the seat
The cart unwillingly heaves forward, before barreling into the ground underneath
I get sentimental as we tear we through sediment, thinking if only I had lived more heavenly
I wouldn’t be on a light rail heading to hell, next destination; destiny

[Ullr]

I love that opener, really cool tone setting. The second line is straight storybook status, if that is something you came up with and not lifed from elsewhere that is a brilliant piece, Only New York streets could be both so crowded and desolate - absolutely dope.

Train finally produces itself was a little odd haha, I'm gettig weird images of an image extruding a new train in an embryonic sac or something haha, still, this is great storytelling and I am 100% on board to see where it goes. I'd probably have chosen something like "Finally, the train emerges behind the girders" or something similar, emerges feels much more natural, or appears, or turns or action words of some sort. Either way, really dope.

This was a cool twist on a verse, I didn't expect it haha, really great tone setting and storytelling throughout and I think you ended it with a deft hand, it was a bit of an unusual way to end but that means it was definitely unexpected haha, really nice work my friend.

I don't know what your opponent might have dropped but most likely this verse would be getting my vote if that is worth anything. Really nice writing.

If I were to point out an area for further improvement - I think the very very top top writers stray away from the focused end rhyme pattern and instead also pack the lines themselves with rhyme elements eg parts of multies to form dense inners all while still telling the story with perfect clarity. I would love to see you focus more on that, you definitely had elements of inners and other literary muscle but seeing it prominently displayed would be a really cool thing. Looking forward to more!

[sral]

This was one of my favourite topics of the round, I liked how it loosely alluded to what was happening in the image without dictating the way the topic had to go, it helped give a scenario of sorts to place the reader firmly at a starting point but which could lend itself to world building and character development etc so that many ideas could be drawn from the one image. I think you tapped into that and utilised it to your imagery based visuals, the opening section was very important in that sense as the reader is plonked straight into the scene - the crowded yet desolate couplet off bat did very well in that context as Ullr has noted. This reminded me somewhat of a piece by Certain describing a train journey (and a female stranger he encounters on the subway) if I can find a link I’ll share it also out of interest. The imagery and wording were the standouts, but I dug the conclusion also as we came to a close. Good work, Adverse. Apologies for the no show.

[MMLP]

This is great stuff, as a reader you had me the whole way, its executed in a way u knew something out of the blue was about to happen, almost. The anxiety conveyed throughout is well done, great feel to the verse and this character and obvs u get the pay off/ answer at the end. Great storytelling, technically its very good as well tbf, I prefer/ appreciate the rhyming and overall structure of pieces but that kinda takes a backseat here but it does stand out which is always a plus… Again it’s such a shame this wasn’t presented in competitive form but I thoroughly enjoyed it. One of your better verses imho. keep that motherfucking pen moving.

[Johnny 6 feet]

Great as usual Adverse. Stunning use of imagery throughout which immediately put me in the narrator's mind. The way you so perfectly described both the juxtaposition of being lonely in a big city (I live in Liverpool, trust me, I can relate) and then connected it to the twist at the end was a brilliant transition. Great take on the topic, connected exactly to the image. Rhyme scheme stayed compound without ever feeling awkward. Great work.

I post quotes but it'd be most of the damn verse. :)