Round One: Bladed Thesis vs Objective - BLADED THESIS WINS!

[sral]

Welcome, boils and ghouls!

This is the opening round of the biggest topical tournament in the Netcees calendar year. 16 entrants. 8 battles. 4 winners. 32 lines separating you and the losers bench. Do not disappoint. We have replacements on hand ready to fill-in on short notice, you WILL get a battle so please do not assume your opponent is no-showing. It’s go hard or home.

This is it.

Check-in’s are due: Fri 4th September 9pm UK time.

Verses are due: Tuesday 8th September 9pm UK time.

Topics were randomly assigned thanks to UserName. Your topic is:
@Bladed Thesis
@Objective

[Bladed Thesis]

Certainly.

[Objective]

Yes.

[Bladed Thesis]

Been awhile but fuck it.

It's just,

Traffic lights flew by, through the vehicle echoed the shadows.
He felt excitement going to see her, spirit settled yet raddled.
As he passed husks and monoliths of local metallic chateaus.
Is marriage easy? Sometimes its love, sometimes you get to the battle.
As he drove to see her, he tuned out the trip, emotions high.
Can't let his hope subside because its love and he knows its right.
And though the moments fly, he's worked hard to show her why
He felt most alive, smiling at the memories of their souls alight.
Internal focus died, a honking car pulled him back to the auto.
All told, they'd fought a lot recently and that's when it all slowed.
She disappeared for days, for a time she went back to the bottle.
Her laughter was hollow. Said she needed distance to unravel and wallow.
Two weeks. No talking. No word. Then she crashed at the condo.
With a crash he was jostled as the vehicle accelerated, mashing the throttle
Since then hadn't seen her in two weeks and that's where it all goes.
But now he knew he'd see her and someday they'd chuckle at the debacle.
As vehicle slowed, it then got the gas and thundered and fumed
Slumped and confused, for him this drive was as a stupor of a drunken prelude
Engine hum was renewed before turning off with a rumbling boom
Then he heard her voice, "Is he still alive?" asked hushed and subdued
Footsteps approached. He realized that this trunk was his tomb.
It opened and their faces nothing but cruel, pupils sunken with doom.
What could he do? He asked himself. That moment he suddenly knew,
Standing above him the new husband who gripped on his gun so amused.
A shot rang out: The ending and beginning of a new love under the moon
A new love, born in the darkness. But even the best love is a feud.

It's kind of funny but true.

[Objective]

They were five when they planted the seed
that'd grow to the most beautiful tree!

[But it was college vanity that blended their souls together]

Rick is oh so clever and she chose no better
cus her ghosts impose bipolar codes to social clues,
so they found love within clubs and poolhall queues.
He's amused by Alice' silhouette figure and nicorette gum
when shared with liqour, mead, rum and indirect love.
He whispers in her eardrum what to escape from:
"indifference to time/space wisdom"

He lies awake in a prison that's the shell of a person,
he change skin from intuition to a hell'uva version:
Glamour, charm, the class president act with intelligent tact.
Straight A's, nice face, being depressed is an irrelevant fact.
But it's evident that they've found solace escaping on slight filthy drives
in his veteran car feelin' the breeze while engaged in night city vibes
vacant sky awakened by the moon and apartment windows fading lights.
He parks in a forest next to THEIR tree & engrave their case for olden days.
His pocket knife lay waste to bark, their names got made with sparks,
yet its shade is dark.

Twenty years went past with marriage trashed,
it was the mold that stayed.
They got so consumed they lost their place.
(The cost to not evolve in ways that offer space)
They divorced that state when she voiced her play:
"Can we go for a ride?"
He thought okay, grabbed the axe without more to say.
The full moon blunders as they chop down history,
the truest love is what it is to BE.
So they kissed to feel the joy of freedom twinkle
in their soulmates' eyes, and why?
Well, I think the ploy they agreed on's simple

[Adverse]

Bladed - thought this was a nice story, it didn’t pull the rug out from under your readers with the twist but it was still effective and I liked how it gradually revealed itself while the verse moved forward. You paint some good images here “local monoliths is metallic chateaus” was dope, also liked how the car ride was described, like I said I didn’t necessarily expect the ending but it wasn’t the biggest reveal, which I don’t think hurt you here. Loved how your verse was intertwined by these multiple syllables throughout they really weaves everything together.

I love the way you guys approached the topic of heartbreak similar to one another but where Thesis ended with darkness Objective’s was more hopeful.

Objective - Honestly I’ve knocked you a few times for not being very linear in a storytelling sense but this story was told well imo. You’re another guy in the same vein as Thesis connects his piece well together with the rhyming and you painted some good pictures here as well.

“Twenty years went past with marriage trashed,
it was the mold that stayed.”

I loved this bar.

Like I previously mentioned I liked the ups and downs of your verse emotionally. Starts out with love, then heartbreak and then new found love in the wake of destroying the past love? It was really poetic and I hate how much you guys’ pieces echoed each other and dealt
With such similar themes it makes it difficult to pick the winner here.

Ultimately I’m leaning towards Thesis really liked his story it was solidly told, plus I’m more of a melancholy-tone kind of guy so it might come down to that preference in the end. This is a close one that could go either way but I’m going with

Thesis

[sral]

Bladed Thesis: This was well told, I enjoyed the use of descriptive language throughout which was your strongpoint for me personally, “the vehicle echoed the shadows,” at the beginning and a “honking car,” a little later on with the “Engine hum” etc were well worked and drove the piece forward (Pun ALWAYS intended). I felt from a technical standpoint your use of multi-strings was rather well done, sometimes it read a little unnatural in their usage perhaps, but overall showed your skill set in that area and I enjoyed that you mixed the rhyme scheme up at points. The closing lines were probably my favourite of the joint, ended strongly, and I felt you improved as you progresed with this one - there were some signs of a little ring rust, as is to be expected somewhat, but it all started to come together and the right time and that bodes well for you in this tournament.


Objective - This was very well told, cleaner so than Bladed’s in spots, with you opting for a more precise, shorter-lined, line length that aided the verse a lot. I see you’re again toying harder with the rhyme schemes and multi syllable rhymes from a technical standpoint and it’s paying off - there’s a huge marked improvement in your more recent work. You also had some good visual imagery scattered throughout this one, “vacant sky awakened by the moon,” was a personal standout that took my eye but “pocket knife lay waste to the bark,” was a solid description also. This was a heck of a lot closer than I think people had it down as on paper; both writers quite evenly matched on a technical standpoint, the two of you taking a not-all-dissimilar approach to the topic itself, good visual imagery throughout both so the deciding factor, for me personally, came down to the execution and in the end I preferred the murderous body in the trunk from Bladed over Objectives rekindled romance under the light of the moon.

[Hush]

I liked both both found thesis way smoother and easier to read


The bold parts left me scouting objectives verse like Batman searching for a clue

That may of took me out the “viewing” experience



I suck at voting on these but I prefer bladed here


With that said both were well written and enjoyable

[Johnny 6 feet]

Bladed Thesis- Great take on the topic. Original idea and well executed. You manged to keep up the compound rhyme scheme throughout the piece although it occasionally felt a little forced, but that was a minor niggle. The imagery was strong; you painted a story of romance and conveyed the narrators mindset well. The punchline at the end was a good one. Nice work.

Objective- Poetic stuff man. A great use of metaphors throughout the piece. I felt that you managed to pack a lot into your shorter bars and imply a lot of what happened in that 20 years your narrative spanned across. It was a bittersweet ending that matched the picture well. From a technical standpoint it was strong as well. Like it.

Vote- Thesis, stronger overall narrative and slightly better on the tech imo.

[Ullr]

Bladed Thesis:

I really like the feel of this opening, it sets a cool tone and strong imagery/sense of motion,
I think "echoed the shadows" was a little odd phrasing since echoes typically are strictly referring to sound, so shadows echoing is unusual for me. To illustrate,

if I were to say, "the shadows echoed" you'd most likely imagine some sort of sound echoing from within the shadows

so when the phrasing is as such:

{through the vehicle} + {echoed the shadows}

through the vehicle to me says "within the vehicle", "echoed" says a sound, a shadow is a visual element, so it just strikes me a bit confusing if you get my perspective.

However, if I suspend my normal interpretation I can imagine that it might mean shadows bouncing around the inside of the car which is a sensible image but it isn't the first thought when I read that line.

Either way, dope opening, but as I'm always in the business of providing feedback that helps us as writers grow I wanted to share that with you.

Solid rhyme scheme, primarily end rhyme but some inners, see her/ vehicle / spirit as an example, in addition to the obvious multi in /vehicle echoed the shadows/ + /spirit settled yet rattled/

Cool stuff. Once we get into the show her why / most alive / souls alight / moments fly section the longer multies are traded for shorter but more frequent rhymes, a cool change of pace and still doing a solid job storytelling.



auto / all slowed is a bit stretchy, it's not bad but it begs pointing out since at least in my barbaric American dialect I don't protract the pronunciation of auto - it'd rhyme with grotto/motto and be pronounced quickly, whereas there is a slight pause in all slowed eg. "ahhl--slow'd"// but that might be dialect/pronunciation but wanted to point that out



I really enjoyed that ending, it felt like you really hit your stride in the closer and it concluded nicely, I definitely dug this verse man. Solid stuff.

Now, onward to the next verse!



Objective:

A little odd with the two lines italicized before the [] parenthetical, almost seems like it wasn't meant to be part of the 'verse' but judging by the rhyme/feel it seems it was, just something odd worth pointing out.

Nicorette gum / indirect love was a cool rhyme, definitely hit well, cool opening, solid worldbuilding thus far - I'm interested to see how this connects to the "when they were five" planting the seeds of a beautiful tree thing, setup/resolution and all that

escape from / space wisdom is a bit stretchy for me, as I pointed out a rhyme in Bladed's verse, maybe it was my barbaric American dialect but it just rings odd for me, an enjambed extra syllable plus a bit of a mismatch in pace for the pronunciation of the words.

"escaping from" "space wisdom" would work better but still have a sliiight leading mismatch, still, this verse is interesting and has enough to keep me engaged.

I enjoyed this line - "Straight A's, nice face, being depressed is an irrelevant fact."

Okay so this second stanza I'm conflicted, on one hand I love the closer, the shade is dark, that was brilliant and really nice, conjured images at least in my imagining when opposing the made with a spark of the wood being fresh and new when it was carved, and the wood now being dark and weathered with age, blackened with time. Dooope.

I won't lie, the closer is a little anticlimactic as it felt like less of an effective payoff, I'm glad we did visit the tree and get resolution, a cool element including that and using it to represent their love, the heart with so and so + so and so, really cool element. Still, the closer just felt a little flat, perhaps it needed more drama, I'm not sure exactly how best to advise as doing so necessarily changes the story/tone but it was something I felt while reading so I wanted to share it with you.

In conclusion:

That said, a decision must be made. This was definitely a close battle, both had solid verses with little blemishes but overall both delivered in terms of consistent multies and storytelling but I think for me Bladed had the slight edge in this battle. I expect you might see votes in the other direction but for me I see Bladed winning this battle.

Actually, even moreso on re-reading Bladed's verse, I actually like the Vehicle Echoed the Shadows line which I originally harped on because knowing there is a mofo in the trunk makes me imagine the light bending and refracting in the darkness passing lights and such, I don't know, somehow the resolution on rereading makes that part feel better. Really cool.

At least for me, MVG: Bladed Thesis