Man Verses Machine

[Dragon]

As I look out the window pane, sin is flamed to the point where an inferno is cast
The fire spreads burning our flag - and scorches corpses till they're in an urn for their past
I've developed insomnia because I'm worried and sad - it's only a matter of time before my death is sealed
And I'm on the muddy floor left to squeal - this bloody war has scarred the nation - and it has yet to heal
The threat is real - set in steel and iron - breaths of spieling fire - demolishing our mahogany doors
A slaughtering force - with grenades and bombs for a war - invading our land without a thought of remorse
I could hear them on our course from miles away - harnessing their planet's pride in their grace
But why must they face us with such violent rage? Why must we be sentenced to death on this trial of hate?
I cry and I pray - for peace to flourish again - looking out the window - thinking when the torment will end
My core is in twists - at the sight of foreigners in the mist - blowing holes in the ground - forming a crypt
The sky is pouring with limbs of courageous soldiers - who carried boulders on there shoulders for us
I see the ones who are breathing loading their guns - trying to rebuttal with slugs next to puddles of blood
But they've succumbed to their hunt - their hunger and lust is that of gluttonous scum
A covenants rushed by the government's fund - but it's quickly turned into an abundance of dust
Now these robots roll on concrete roads - firing projectiles at our lofty homes
These rocky drones have been programmed by evil mechanics - to have a heart in an off beat zone
Not even children are spared on this day of tragedy - they're ripped apart by machine guns under the spring sun
They truly are the elite ones - with superior weaponry - plus they outnumber us ten to a meek one
There's nothing our world can produce to stop this madness - all our caskets are surely seen
I hear vivid screams of our unsung heros - as military tanks are blasted to smithereens
These our explicit scenes of the extinction of man - our hourglass has dropped it's last spec of sand
There is no miracle for blessing the land - for destiny has beckoned its plan
Technology has stepped to the stand - taking over the human race while we barely started running
The President has resorted to desperate measures - as he orders atomic bombs be dropped on the country
This is our hell dispersed in regime - for now the entire earth has been seized
I realize this is worse than any burning disease - as I look out the window - and witness Man Versus Machine

[dead man]

This was written in English and rhymed somewhat. Posted on a message board. Cool shit. Opener and closer solid, words used ok. Can't wait to read more!

[Dragon]

Originally Posted by dead man

This was written in English and rhymed somewhat. Posted on a message board. Cool shit. Opener and closer solid, words used ok. Can't wait to read more!

Lol, sorry, I'll give more detailed feedback in the future

[Dragon]

Lol the title was supposed to be 'Versus' instead of Verses. fail :/

[oats]

Originally Posted by dead man

This was written in English and rhymed somewhat. Posted on a message board. Cool shit. Opener and closer solid, words used ok. Can't wait to read more!

pretty spot-on analysis.


There's a lot to like about this verse. Rhyme and rhythm/flow are strong points for sure, which makes it eminently readable. And you never get in the way of yourself either; there are times when multis are so densely laden, rhythm so emphasized that it causes me to breeze right through without really thinking about what I'm reading. This may not be a common affliction, but it does happen to me, but here it didn't happen.

Some things I thought could be improved. First, and I've seen this echoed a few times before, sometimes the wording is awkward for the sake of the rhyme. We've all done it, but there are usually better alternatives, either finding a different rhyme or forsaking the multi for the better phrasing. Here are some examples of what I mean:

line 1: "sin is flamed" - this means nothing, clearly there just for the rhyme. You pulled it off to an extent because it fit into the larger frame of "an inferno is cast," but it's still an awkward phrase on its own nah mean.

line 7: "harnessing their planet's pride in their grace" - again, just really unclear what to make of this. part of it is you use "in" when typically you harness something "for" something, which clogs up the phrase, but I don't get the pairing of pride and grace and how that relates to the approaching army in the larger sense.

line 16: "to have a heart in an off beat zone" - now, I actually like this turn of phrase in a way; the play of having a heart and being off beat is clever. However, the problem lies in the "off beat zone," because it seems ill-fitting for an otherwise melodramatic verse of sorts. It's like talking about the evils of the holocaust and the smell of rotting flesh in the air and then saying "concentration camp SUCKS." It's not that it isn't true, it's just odd to say it that way, especially since your descriptions were so heavy-handed before.

Other issues I had:
-there were many instances of exposition that undermined the atmosphere I think you were going for. Like "I'm worried and sad" and "I cry and I pray." There's nothing inherently wrong with things like this, but this can be done better by painting a better visual for us - "showing" instead of "telling," as the adage goes.

And as an overall execution of the concept "Man vs. Machine," I thought this was a fairly flat scene. Nothing happened. That isn't to say that painting a portrait is a bad thing - Split Eight is someone who does it excellently - but it's hard to pull off well because they are typically one-note. Which can be boring. You're a good enough writer to not bore me with it, but there wasn't much for me to connect to, emotionally, intellectually, etc, to make this have any impact after I finished reading.


To be sure, you're a dope writer. You're being really active so far, and I didn't want to come in here and be like "dope shit man, cool rhymes." I'm certain you know where your strengths lie, and that you aren't wack. Hence why I focused more on the things I felt could be improved, as opposed to the many many positive things going on. Overall this was good, though I'd suggest maybe narrowing it down more specifically. Like, instead of giving me a brief history of this dystopian future, tie it down to the final battle or something, and weave in bits of history as the immediate action takes place. In any case, keep dropping, good to see fresh talent around here.

[Dragon]

thanks for the feedback. Will definitely be dropping more