I <3 schemes

[dull boy]

You might
say, 'You lie.
What you write
ain't truthfully.'
But futilely,
'cause in all the to-night's
I've viewed and seen
No one's
shown up
wearing the moonlight
so beautifully.
Blue eyes
seduced by green.
You fly
on Cupid's wings.
The romantic type.
With you, any shine is candlelight.
In love with reality; so I don't have to fantasize.
So intelligent
and humorous,
not elegant,
but cute as shit.
Cute as shit?
That's rude. Is it?
To hell with it,
you're beautimous.

[Inno]

Dunno if your trying to prove a point or if this an actual
Drop u want critiqued.

Anyway.

This had nothing outside of a scheme...so I guess u proved ur point.
Nothing much else to say but nice rhyming.

I dug the wearing the moonline...thought that was dope..

[dull boy]

I regret to hear you say that. Anyone whose known love would be moved. I mourn for you.

[Wise Wiggles]

Don't say it was good or you'll be "dickriding" .. Shit is kind of strict now a'days, ya know.

[dull boy]

This shit flows smooth, and it's pretty. Kids these days...

[dull boy]

I love everything you write with every fiber of my being @Whys Ways.

[Inno]

Didnt mean to come across as a dick bro my bad lol.

Im just not into writing about love so I guess I replied with a bias...if youd like I can give
U a more detailed breakdown lol

[Wise Wiggles]

I haven't been in love in years. I won't even post the shit I wrote after it happened. Love isn't fake to me, but it's something else. Pure?

[dull boy]

Originally Posted by Innovator

Didnt mean to come across as a dick bro my bad lol.

Im just not into writing about love so I guess I replied with a bias...if youd like I can give
U a more detailed breakdown lol

Yes. I'd like details.

[dull boy]

Originally Posted by Whys Ways

I haven't been in love in years. I won't even post the shit I wrote after it happened. Love isn't fake to me, but it's something else. Pure?

That's sweet. I'm incapable of love. Fresh out. It's somewhere, I'm sure. Scattered about. Giving others happiness.

[Inno]

Gimme a sec

Will edit here

Edit.

Ok so this starts off really dopd with some pretty smooth imagery great start to thw piece tbh. Though you say its love about some of your word choices seemed off..orr didnt fit with that tone the subject love produces. Words like aint, cause, and the last couple lines seemd a bit lazy. I would like to have seen morw lines like the wearing the moon and the one that follows that actually...those lines had depth and a profound sense to them that I enjoyed..and yes the flow was on point.

Nothing bad about this read I enjoyed it. Aside from what I pointed out this was cool . and tbh what I mentioned u cab chalk it up to personal preference...keep posting

[KennyCerealBowl]

this made my penis cry

[Eŋg]

i wrote a piece with the underlying theme of Love, once. or the common conception of, y'know. one verse just dealt with sex. kind of primal, visceral even. that part was good. the rest was mostly existential angst/misery loves company.

this seemed a bit unserious or disingenious, but what do i know really. the writing was good.

[dull boy]

Originally Posted by Innovator

Ok so this starts off really dopd with some pretty smooth imagery great start to thw piece tbh. Though you say its love about some of your word choices seemed off..orr didnt fit with that tone the subject love produces. Words like aint, cause, and the last couple lines seemd a bit lazy. I would like to have seen morw lines like the wearing the moon and the one that follows that actually...those lines had depth and a profound sense to them that I enjoyed..and yes the flow was on point.

Nothing bad about this read I enjoyed it. Aside from what I pointed out this was cool . and tbh what I mentioned u cab chalk it up to personal preference...keep posting

Word, word. I see what you mean, now. Ain't, and 'cause are like hate words. Words one uses when they're indifferent and shit. Yeah. That's real. Real talk @Innovator. Thanks. I'll keep that in mind next time I write a love piece. 'cause ain't ain't the cause of love, it's 'cause the cause of hate, ain't it?

[Inno]

Rtf plz
@dull boy

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=15842

[dull boy]

Originally Posted by oXus

i wrote a piece with the underlying theme of Love, once. or the common conception of, y'know. one verse just dealt with sex. kind of primal, visceral even. that part was good. the rest was mostly existential angst/misery loves company.

this seemed a bit unserious or disingenious, but what do i know really. the writing was good.

You aren't allowed to write about love. Too many people have done it. What's cool sounding about your piece is that you spoke on angst and misery, too. This way the words ''cause' and 'ain't' can still be used.

Link me to your piece and I'll check it out.

[Fig]

Always a smooth read from you, dull boy.

[Wise Wiggles]

Originally Posted by dull boy

You might say, 'You lie. What you write ain't truthfully.'
But futilely,
'cause in all the to-night's I've viewed and seen
No one's shown up wearing the moonlight so beautifully.
Blue eyes seduced by green.
You fly on Cupid's wings.
The romantic type. With you, any shine is candlelight.
In love with reality; so I don't have to fantasize.
So intelligent and humorous,
not elegant, but cute as shit.
Cute as shit? That's rude. Is it?
To hell with it, you're beautimous.

basically this was gangster as hell

[Certain]

I've never been in love. I've been in lust and in like and in well-since-we're-both-here and even in obsessed (once, and I try not to talk about it too much). But I've never been in love, and I think that probably is why I'm so bitter and angsty all the time or something. But maybe if I had my heart broken I'd be even more bitter and angsty. Or maybe I'd be sullen. I'm not sullen.

There were a lot of things I liked about this very short post. I don't think it was special, necessarily, but it was really cool. I got a little hung up on the use of the adverbial form in the first couple lines. Then I started to think maybe it was intentionally, but I think it probably was just to rhyme, really, because we all do that sometimes and I'm too neurotic about things.

Urbandictionary.com says "beautimous" is a portmanteau of beautiful and fabulous. Well, it doesn't say the word "portmanteau" because it's urbandictionary.com, and it's for the people. But that's what it means. Still, I'm not sure where the "M" comes from in that word.

The best part was, "No one's shown up wearing the moonlight so beautifully." That reminded me of the coda of this song (which starts at 3:03):



I don't think that was an intentional allusion. But the flippant word choice and abundance of adjectives late in the verse kind of lulled me. Your verbs let up and simplicity took over, even amid a great rhyme scheme.

Maybe when I'm in love I'll come back and decide this is the greatest thing ever, though.

[PancakeBrah]

Being jaded and reminiscing on something so potent is dangeruz