**Labor day Freewrite**

[Matriarch]

from fodder to king of the hill, the distance is clear,
as problems mount. darkest clouds ~ vision impaired
pompous route span beyond a doubt. Seasonal glare
fisticuffs against the winter months breathing affair
seeking butterscotch scent. a lock of her hair..
recall that posthumous caustic touch. Silent despair.
His smile. Her tears. Behind the veneer,
reside a faintest bit of purpose.
tainted. bitter. circulating riot. We share
the simple science of fear ~ tired and intricate
limelight: victim of hightime stimulants
my time’s contingent on constituency
picture this scene. Baudelaire, picket fence, kids with disease
conspicuous design - i seek to find what’s true
lex talionis ~ I’d give an eye for an “I love you..”
It’s spite! It’s crude. Defiant. Rude.
Warfare. Scar bear. Violent tune.
Fighting for truth. Pious proof.

[PancakeBrah]

Great.

It's good to see you back. I have a healthy distrust of any 'female' writing on this site, seems to easy to troll. But even if it is a troll, you write so well with such an acumen for the fairer sex's type of thought that I don't mind it. Whenever I read a verse of yours my immediate thought is Black/dead man. Very similar styles. There are little variations, but mostly the same. You incorporate this little '~' idea here, which I haven't seen you do before. To be completely honest I wasn't a fan. Your strength as a writer is content, with punctuation as a thought being a close second. And this ~ idea seemed too cute for me. I understand the use of it, and how you utilized it in your verse, and maybe I'm just uneasy with change. A few more verses of this quality executing it and I could see myself switching my tone. This is weird, but I almost wish you were just another dude. Because in praising your verse and writing style so much it could be seen as white knighting a girl writing Open Mics. But you truly do write in a style that I enjoy thoroughly, more than almost every other writer here. There were lines in this piece, a short one at that, that were flat out innovative and worthy of note.

"fisticuffs against the winter months breathing affair
seeking butterscotch scent. a lock of her hair..
recall that posthumous caustic touch. Silent despair."

I try to write something as good as the bold part in every verse I write and usually fail. That quoted section is pitch perfect, but the bold part resonated.

"my time’s contingent on constituency"

I great example of vocabulary that isn't superfluous. Great line.

I think towards the end you became too infatuated with the stop/pause of the period and the subsequent 'Look at this free association'. But it was still solid. Everything leading up to that was great.

Look forward to more.

[Certain]

This was exactly what I needed to read as I'm drunk and contemplating loneliness. See, even togetherness kind of sucks! The words fit together really well. My favorite part was describing an idyllic world: "Baudelaire, picket fence, kids with disease." I fucking love Baudelaire. I love kids with disease as a concept of happiness wrapped in sadness.

The fragmentation in the closing was more effective because it felt earned. I think a stronger opening couplet would have served this piece well, though, because it doesn't firmly establish narration or motivation or mood or much of anything. There's something to be said for working your way into a verse, but you definitely didn't grab me by the balls until the fourth line. It felt sort of generic up until that point. Then it started to take hold.

I enjoyed it. It was short, and it felt short, but it felt like it said a lot anyway.

[Matriarch]

Originally Posted by PancakeBrah

Great.

It's good to see you back. I have a healthy distrust of any 'female' writing on this site, seems to easy to troll. But even if it is a troll, you write so well with such an acumen for the fairer sex's type of thought that I don't mind it. Whenever I read a verse of yours my immediate thought is Black/dead man. Very similar styles. There are little variations, but mostly the same. You incorporate this little '~' idea here, which I haven't seen you do before. To be completely honest I wasn't a fan. Your strength as a writer is content, with punctuation as a thought being a close second. And this ~ idea seemed too cute for me. I understand the use of it, and how you utilized it in your verse, and maybe I'm just uneasy with change. A few more verses of this quality executing it and I could see myself switching my tone. This is weird, but I almost wish you were just another dude. Because in praising your verse and writing style so much it could be seen as white knighting a girl writing Open Mics. But you truly do write in a style that I enjoy thoroughly, more than almost every other writer here. There were lines in this piece, a short one at that, that were flat out innovative and worthy of note.

"fisticuffs against the winter months breathing affair
seeking butterscotch scent. a lock of her hair..
recall that posthumous caustic touch. Silent despair."

I try to write something as good as the bold part in every verse I write and usually fail. That quoted section is pitch perfect, but the bold part resonated.

"my time’s contingent on constituency"

I great example of vocabulary that isn't superfluous. Great line.

I think towards the end you became too infatuated with the stop/pause of the period and the subsequent 'Look at this free association'. But it was still solid. Everything leading up to that was great.

Look forward to more.

<3

I will hit up your piece later today, Cakey ^__^

[Matriarch]

Originally Posted by Certain

This was exactly what I needed to read as I'm drunk and contemplating loneliness. See, even togetherness kind of sucks! The words fit together really well. My favorite part was describing an idyllic world: "Baudelaire, picket fence, kids with disease." I fucking love Baudelaire. I love kids with disease as a concept of happiness wrapped in sadness.

The fragmentation in the closing was more effective because it felt earned. I think a stronger opening couplet would have served this piece well, though, because it doesn't firmly establish narration or motivation or mood or much of anything. There's something to be said for working your way into a verse, but you definitely didn't grab me by the balls until the fourth line. It felt sort of generic up until that point. Then it started to take hold.

I enjoyed it. It was short, and it felt short, but it felt like it said a lot anyway.

Thank you, friend.

Link me to your work and i will be sure to hit it up.

[Split]

Originally Posted by Matriarch

from fodder to king of the hill, the distance is clear,
as problems mount. darkest clouds ~ vision impaired
>like the imagery here. impending doom enveloping all. Strong battle of Bunker
> Hill allusion? I usually use "fodder" to imply carelessness/ detachment.
pompous route span beyond a doubt. Seasonal glare
fisticuffs against the winter months breathing affair
>fantastic line.
seeking butterscotch scent. a lock of her hair..
recall that posthumous caustic touch. Silent despair.
>"caustic" seemed like an apt description but maybe a bit trite.. maybe a good place
>to show instead of tell
His smile. Her tears. Behind the veneer,
>nice juxtaposition
reside a faintest bit of purpose.
tainted. bitter. circulating riot. We share
the simple science of fear ~ tired and intricate
limelight: victim of hightime stimulants
my time’s contingent on constituency
picture this scene. Baudelaire, picket fence, kids with disease
conspicuous design - i seek to find what’s true
lex talionis ~ I’d give an eye for an “I love you..”
It’s spite! It’s crude. Defiant. Rude.
Warfare. Scar bear. Violent tune.
Fighting for truth. Pious proof.

The end was a bit much for me


This was a pretty good piece harMonica. by the end you definitely were picking up rhyming/ knocking off the rust again. The bolded parts were my favorites. I think your style could work well with less harshly divided phrases and more natural sentence structure, you seem to rhyme around pauses in a unique and andvanced way and it would serve you well to exploit that.

as far as meaning goes.. I dunno some what some key points are. I dunno who Baudelaire is. Or lex talionis. Seems kinda cheap to Google but who was context clues?

It sounded like lamenting the inevitable... The Futile-esque. If you're familiar. "The simple science of fear" feels to me like a basic human trait... Genetically passed down even, very Victorian- Dystopian, overall. Like you took AP Lit and actually read all those dum passages.

This was less personally involved than some of your other pieces but it was good to see you writing, not bad especially for a freewrite. Keep keyin b

[Matriarch]

Very much obliged, Splitty ^___^