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09-02-2013, 01:58 AM
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Do what is right.
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 769
Rep Power: 954117   |
Backpack Juice nigga
Searching for questions and it turned to an internal quest
paid to much attention now im in debt, I'm losing myself no morals no rest yeah i'm weak and I'm stressed, look a younglin, fetching for his true self he looks like a total bitch Head low, hoodie zoned on his playlist, likely stoned kid could never stay grounded no matter how much you ground him FUCK IT. they all phony fuck society they act like they all know me It really doesn't matter how much i blabber my feelings oh please they'll nod quietly turn they backs and then just call me crazy yup always feels alone, unknown a gnome to this world like his words carry no meaning even webster would ignore runned over by this earths egostical force, only if he learned to ignore instead, control those thoughts in his head only then he can glow..
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 Last edited by KennyCerealBowl; 09-02-2013 at 02:05 AM. |
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09-02-2013, 04:28 AM
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#2 |
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ghost in the matrix
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Covington, KY
Posts: 4,564
Battle Record: 14-25
Champed - Art of Writing League (x2)
- Lime Green Poetry Association
Rep Power: 8181109 |
This was cool, content carried the piece an the flow backed it but I felt it was a bit simple at times an could be reworded to help express the apathetic parts more an even make it flow better with stronger rhymes. Not bad tho bruh just tryna help, keep droppin man
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09-04-2013, 09:21 PM
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#3 |
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Do what is right.
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 769
Rep Power: 954117 |
thnks dude. bumper sticker.
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09-04-2013, 11:20 PM
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SOBER
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 13,052
Battle Record: 2-5
Champed - AOWL Season 2
Rep Power: 85899406 |
what does internal quest mean.
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If I ventured in the slipstream Between the viaducts of your dreams Where immobil steel rims crack And the ditch in the back road stop Could you find me? |
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09-05-2013, 01:07 AM
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Mad fucking dangerous.
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12,072
Battle Record: 40-19
Champed - AOWL Season 3
- Art of Writing League (2x)
Rep Power: 85899402 |
This was way too simplistic. I mean, the words weren't even words sometimes: "younglin," "runned," "egostical."
You need to buckle down and consider your words as you select them. The content jumped around a lot, which can be find if it's interesting. But the individual lines were thin, cliché and poorly rhymed. This was the part I liked the most: Quote:
Work on developing images like that, and do it using stronger rhymes.
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I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws. |
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09-05-2013, 11:42 AM
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Do what is right.
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 769
Rep Power: 954117 |
Quote:
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Linear Mode
