01-25-2014, 02:51 AM | #1 |
6ft of Seperation
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 1,541
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Champed - Faggot of the Year (2015)
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Xanax.
Ever lived the life of some everyday struggle shit
wake up in the morning cold as shit pull up them covers quick parts of the house blocked off to keep the heat confined.. ..& in my mind my walls are fortified to protect my tortured mind. Dad ain't workin in over a year, i'm consumed with the fear as the feeling grows it goes to show my dads an addict i cant have it gotta break the habit makes me want to shed a tear wake up in the middle of the night with hunger pains the thunder bangs and you don't know when you'll eat again but in the world of sin i realized the show don't stop the world spins my whirlwind of a life.. some things don't seem right so im awake at night comtemplating taking my own life. Meth.. "ice"... it comsumes his life can't get out of bed without hittin the pipe its pathetic really, rather kinda silly livin like hillbillys in this tortured city just cause i'm not on the block servin rocks doesnt mean that the struggle stops i know this shit stupid lol but i just had to write something.. feed is appreciated but not expected.
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GraveyardShift
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01-25-2014, 03:39 AM | #2 |
............
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,938
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Emotion was straight, I liked how you bought the scheme back at times yet the multies while doin' so either read as forced or were non existent.Your word choices are awkward, try writin' sumthin' how you would actually say it irl...this isn't great by a long shot but it's far from bad, imo anyways.
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01-25-2014, 03:24 PM | #3 |
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 39
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I was feeling it. Flow could have been smoother in some areas but this seemed like it was on some real shit. The emotion was present throughout. some lines really seemed to have trust and substance. Just work on that flow a bit. nice drop
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01-25-2014, 10:35 PM | #4 |
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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a bit rough around the edges bro but how can you criticize something so personal and deep? I love the emotion that you are willing to write with.. can make for a gem if you put in the legwork..
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01-27-2014, 03:08 PM | #5 |
( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3,795
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It isn't stupid, it just isn't great. It's lacking a bit here and there. But seeing how this is a personal text made for venting I can definitely respect what you're doing. If it wasn't for the fact that writing eased my mind I probably wouldn't have started doing it myself in the first place. Keep writing and stick to improving yourself. Peace.
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I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave,
So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o |
01-27-2014, 09:15 PM | #6 |
_Al_GO_RYTHMIC
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 644
Battle Record: 1-3
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I liked this at least you talking about something worth talking about! Not hating on everyone else like some spoil little dick heads on here. Keep writing! It may not have been your best work but you can tell you have real potential.
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