12-05-2022, 09:18 PM | #1 |
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XI WK II: Quill (1-0) vs. sral (1-0) (SRAL WINS 5-2)
Season 11 XI VERSES: Sunday, December, 11th, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 24 Hour Ext: Mod/Opponent Discretion VOTES: Tuesday, December, 13th, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 3 Vote Requirement Enforced/Penalty MAXIMUM: 48 Lines: 64 IF AGREED UPON! TOPIC:
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12-07-2022, 01:25 AM | #2 |
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The leaves on the oaks danced in a flurry of oranges & reds But I had to focus on where my compass was pointing instead My chest rose in heaves, & my feet were all muddy To think it was supposed to be a hunting retreat w/ my buddy We'd done it every year, Atleast for the last dozen A little log cabin, I think it was his Dad's cousin's Surround by 200 acres of nothing but woods No cell service, but the hunting was good I had shot a buck that morning, one hell of a stag 300lbs easy, He took turns helping me drag Stopped to string it up in a tree by the hill And had just made it back in the cabin after cleaning the kill I started with coors lights, then lead to something harder, of course Which is how we wound up w/ bourbons & cigars on the porch He had his phone in his hand, seemed to scroll through his camera "I got a good shot of the buck w/ you holding the antlers" He showed me the photo..I said it was epic Then he swiped to a pic I never expected And at that point, the vibe unquestionably got grim It was his wife with a guy who was definitely not him I swear in that moment, my buzz seemed to disolve As he calmy picked up that 12 gauge he had leaned on the wall See it depicted more than an indecent pose I was sure that I deleted those... She swore he didn't need to know "I hid a trail cam on the dresser in my room I wanted to catch her with some proof.. I wasn't expecting this from you.. I had my suspicions that she was a stupid hoe, I knew it, bro.. But I didn't ever think that YOU would stoop so low! I mean it's utter treason! I considered you family, a brother; even! Can give me one good reason That I should leave you fucking breathing?!" My mind tried to signal my mouth, tried to form a confession Or an apology that could thwart his agression As my eyes scanned the porch for a weapon Until the pumping of the the Mossburg & his morbid expression Reminded me that it was a rhetorical question. My feet started moving, instinct forced the suggestion Dodging the dogwoods, I dashed in a northern direction Branches slapped at my face, as if a sign of my doomed plight I ran through the night, only guided by moon light Until the sun rising through the canopies seemed to offer reprieve I almost got lost in my thoughts of the leaves Until I I heard an atv motor off in the distance Perhaps someone who could offer assistance? But that thought was gone in an instant And all hope was torn from my heart When I heard the chorus of barks I slipped in the mud & the ground was all mushy And that was right about the time the hounds overtook me |
12-11-2022, 05:54 AM | #3 |
Badgerdick
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I always knew you were a son of a bitch.
The runt of the litter looking up to his bigger brother and whimpering, hungry for dinner, stood there with pitiful eyes and nothing to give. I took you under my limb because you were different — yet treated you the same as the rest. I gave you a leg up, made you feel welcome, I gained you a friend. I ate with you every night, saved you my leftovers, even let you lay on my bed. You could stay without question. If it was mine, it was yours, in every fight I was always there at your side through it all. In my eyes you were more than just one of my friends our bond was inseparable, we were dogs til the end. While you followed, I led, and us two had a pact with me watching ahead thinking you had my back. There were rumours of wagging tongues. I know how people can be so I never really believed them, but I kept my ears to the street. Maybe I needed to keep you on a shorter leash in my company You had no reason to be fearful of me — but that didn’t mean that you shouldn’t be. You would keep up the brotherly act but must have known I could sense it, the growing resentment over a senseless bone of contention. I wouldn’t just roll over and let it happen while having done nothing to you You were looking to prove yourself, but this canine’s too long in the tooth. I shouldn’t have viewed us as equals. The alpha male should lead ahead now your betrayal will leave you left with your tail between your legs. My ageing teeth were clenched beneath the reddened jowls of my jaw I place my weary head down by my paws so as to not pronounce them at all. We have an hour before walkies. I pretend to sleep on my own and leave him to go and eat from my bowl, thinking he’s in control. I hear every soul sapping slurp he can squeeze in his stomach as the flea-bitten glutton greedily tucks in and leaves me with nothing. While he feeds his compulsion, I lie in wait with my thoughts instead, until hearing the footsteps of our owner at the porch again. I brought my legs up to my waist before bounding toward our guest The door lock trembled, it’s key turning as slowly as your former friend. I force my head in the owners hands first, glowing with pride, ‘cause though you still might be considered mans best friend — You’re no longer mine. When our owner invites us to play ball, I run every which way, but you’re not interested in games your stomachs now too heavy to play. I steal the attention you’re craving. You’re too dog tired to perform while I’ve both eyes out on stalks when it’s time for our walk. You’ve digested all of our food, making this as easy as ‘Fetch,’ since we both know he really detests having to clean up your mess. Your ears are now pressed back firmly as our human finds somewhere we can park. Before we even step out the car, you realise your territory’s marked. I’m left to run far out of view as our owner gestures his arms then I let out a bark to create a false sense of alarm. The human yells at you, snarling your cretinous name at the double and you’re sent to come charging after me in case I’m in trouble. I see your face in the puddles surface stood their before us It’s ugliness forms a moment of reflection on how we were before you muddied the waters. I look at my former friend with distrust. My wry smile becoming a scowl before I jump at you mouth wide open, teeth exposed by my guttural growl. I lunge at the coward with full force while I’ve got him off guard the impact pushes him down beneath the wheel arch of an oncoming car. I drop to the tarmac, head bowed, not so much in respect but to inspect the lifeless body and ensure its come to an end. I keep up the pretence by allowing a lowly howl to escape from my lips as the car door sways on its hinges and our owner breaks from within. The humans face looking inconsolable. I bury my nose beneath the hem of his coat, having his ever-faithful assistant waiting for him helps lessen the blow. This was the end of the road. Ironically that’s also where we had gone when we lost one. I let his emotions subside, before reclaiming my spot as the top dog. Last edited by Diablo; 12-11-2022 at 01:43 PM. |
12-11-2022, 09:57 PM | #4 |
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Quill - while i feel like u had a better pace that created a beautiful tension in your
first verse with the character dynamic and engagement the overall vibe of the whole piece after the second verse seemed a bit tame in terms of how im feeling while reading it... there was a overlying cadence in the second verse that felt a bit lacking in delivery and some abstraction which may have been sacrificed to keep the wordplay structured and personal its subjective but I prefer a bit of immersive verbiage as a reader overall a near perfect written just lacking a bit in the second verse. Diablo - great opening you set the ball rolling with aggressive wordplay and still manage to keep open space for abstraction in your flow i enjoyed the point of views they are very detailed and engaging i feel like you and quill tied in the emotional impact I enjoyed quills tension building more but the simplicity in his second verse shot him in the foot you created a good story with personal and impersonal reflection and heavy verbiage though out. Mvgt- Diablo |
12-12-2022, 12:30 AM | #5 | |
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VOTE FLAGGED
VOTE FLAGGED: Further Explanation Required! @symetrik Quote:
Last edited by Frank; 12-12-2022 at 12:17 PM. Reason: Insufficient |
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12-12-2022, 02:51 PM | #6 | ||||||||||||||||||
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@Frank yeah yeah I'm on it.
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good flow, weak imagery. Quote:
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"flea-bitten glutton greedily tucks in and leaves me with nothing" is the best line in the piece and finally gives me some context as to why the fuck these two dogs are beefing. Quote:
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mvgt diablo |
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12-12-2022, 10:06 PM | #7 |
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Sick battle
Both had slick lines Polish lines Solid flows I felt like Sral had a better vs ' more creative compare to Quill Vote-sral |
12-13-2022, 09:00 PM | #8 |
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VOTE
@Inno @timeless @Ender @brokenhal0 @Cereal @MMLP @Master Rock @Eviction @NYCSPITZ @Dominate @Blue Bayou
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Last edited by Frank; 12-13-2022 at 09:22 PM. |
12-13-2022, 09:44 PM | #9 |
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Quill:
This is such an engaging story. Technically, it's just like last weeks - Fairly simplistic yet CLEAN and easy to read. Nothing too crazy but man I appreciate how smooth it is to read your verses. It's actually a pleasure, not as much of a "chore" as with more technically advanced pieces. Don't get me wrong, I love and prefer those but there's just something nice about not having to worry about finding hidden multis. This is a breath of fresh autumn air and it feels good. Anyway, back to the story... Cool set ups to establish the atmosphere and the 'camping/hunting trip buddy vibe'. It was all fairly ho hum until the cell phone came out with the pics of our antagonist with his best friends wife... always savage lol (but fun...) ...Loved the dialogue here of his buddy giving him shit and the idea that he is playing the slow game to expose him; Luring him out into the woods and then dropping the bomb on him. This section is when it also picked up technically a lot. The flow was butter throughout but this section really shined (Although you misspelled "aggression") and you carried through to the end, only stumbling ON THE FINAL LINE, which was unfortunate... "ground was all mushy" connected to "hounds overtook me" just seemed a little bit stretched for my liking... and stood out because it's how it ended. But even still, this was a impressive show considering how quick you dropped and had a really cool narrative, but it needed and deserved more lines and more interesting twists and turns and just... more. I wanted more because I loved it, in the end. Great work. Diablo: First of all thank you for the kind words and the in depth review of my verse. I agree with everything you said.... Nothing is more frustrating than people who say they don't like your verse or that it's not any good technically and I'm like, "Um, did you... did you not see what I did there?" And as to your point - I don't think they do. In order to see it, you have to almost be able to do it... and apart from you, myself and maybe 1 or 2 others, there's no one who builds a verse with multi's and interior rhyme schemes like us. The subtly is the key and if it's done right... you won't notice it unless you look. Thank you for looking. Okay so, you did a very Lars thing here in making a story out of a dog metaphor but this worked much better than say, your goose metaphor. It was more of a grown up tale, a little less tongue and cheek and allowed for some more wiggle room... (See what i did there? Sorry)... Some heavy handedness still reared its ugly head (I can't stop) but overall this was as good as one is going to do with this style and, to echo sentiments back at you... Your interior multi's were fun and impressive. The way you connect multi's through the first syllables of the final word is something I love to do as well,. as it opens the door to more options that the laymen would never think of. You have the obvious ones, which are fantastic: "I hear every soul sapping slurp he can squeeze in his stomach as the flea-bitten glutton greedily tucks in and leaves me with nothing." And the ones only some notice: "I brought my legs up to my waist before bounding toward our guest The door lock trembled, it’s key turning as slowly as your former friend." The "door lock trem--" connecting to the " former friend^ is a prime example, and your verse was littered with these connections and I always enjoy finding them. A couple times I had to double back and make sure something actually rhymed though, but I always try to take into account your accent and in doing so, it works lol. Just something I noticed. Great work as always. So an awesome read from both... Quill with the story and flow edge and Lars with the more technically proficient piece with metaphors laced throughout. I just think awarding the simple story the victory is not something I'm willing to do anymore, especially when put up against a monster of technique. I know the work it takes to pull that off and I know how much less time it took Quill to do his... and although impressive, I can't say that verse is better just because it was more pleasing to read. There's something to be said about re-reading a verse twice and finding new things in it... I read Quill's once and loved it but I know I won't find anything I missed the first time. Super close to me but I'm going with Diablo.
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12-13-2022, 10:17 PM | #10 |
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quill:
very cute style almost childish but very entertaining.. thanks so far its dope.. fav line: "Which is how we wound up w/ bourbons & cigars on the porch" set the scene perfect.. very colorful and tasty.. i like the showing the photo aspect to very humanized like yall would actually be friends with this cat regaurdless the havok going on :).. kinda getting devious with the missing photos and such such scandalous.. dope ending yeh i loved the vocab and structure man very child like but done with such style that it sort the all round relation of story.. cool all in all.. sral: i loved you double meaning so subtle lines these little word flips that if your not over examing the verse like an idiot you might actually miss one of them later on and im not saying that in the way of knowing the writers style going in it came off natural.. which was dope.. probably one of the dopest things of seen in years a ten rarity in art.. so kudos.. now i know your throwing subliminals because of the use dogs hehe surely its like it cant be that common place that the topics was dogs then yall used it so early on the way you used it.. loves it though.. i like the business aspect that opened up sort of came out of nowhere def brings life to the verse.. the fact you need "walkies" as a word makes me not care if it is about dogs dog thats hot.. super cool possibly best word used this week even out of mine lol nice one.. the statement part that hit like nearly a whole stanza something like four odd lines or such was fucken dope.. you dont see that around either usually its cluttered with advanced art not done so easily to pallet.. i figured the twist but dope so many aspects of this verse.. vote = sral i mean he just outshined in soo many parts and yall know in general this was a really weak verse in comparison to how cool this kid is but its on because of certain aspects where as quill general whole thing was in order for what his is just sral came with some fresh points that just owned when it came to voting.. nice job guys g/l
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12-14-2022, 03:56 AM | #11 |
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I've got Quill here for telling an enertaining story with a good flow. Wanted to see what came next. Only knock here is the weak ending. I felt like those last 2-3 lines could have been thought about deeper or changed and a better ending would result. Yes - it fits with the topic/picture, but seemed to be a bit forced... but that is my only knock on the piece, which was quite good I thought.
This is rare because Lars technical prowess and ability to tell a story almost always wins out on my voting, but to be honest?- this verse was pretty boring to me. Yes, technically proficient as always...with inner rhymes and good multis... just didn't really engage me with the story nearly as much as Quill's verse. |
12-14-2022, 08:40 AM | #12 |
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Well gents, we’ve got ourselves a decent little battle here.
First of all, tough topic. But leave it to topical writers to find the morbidity in damn near anything. Okay okay so here’s how i see it. Lars - this was a very Larsy verse, perhaps maybe the most Larsiest verse I’ve ever seen. I mean it was technically proficient, the story was decently told and though some of the wordplay and turn of phrases made me sigh, they usually were pretty on point, if not a little simplistic. I think at this point you’ve been around the game long enough that you know what’s going to get a reaction and it’s been awhile since you’ve been genuinely challenged so the writing feels a little lazy, there’s not really any fire to it imo. You’re one of the best to ever do it but this piece felt lazy and monotonous, but that might just be my point of view on it? I don’t know this just felt like watching Tom Brady play football this year, like I know the guy is a legend but I just expect more I suppose. Like I appreciated the metaphors and what not but the story took a backseat here, I expected some kind of redeeming twist to save it at the end but it was just ehh. Technically proficient and decent if not sort of boring. Love you though fam Quill - this was an engaging piece. Storyline was decent but not without its missteps, thought a few of the details were clunky and what not also would have liked you to have alluded to the dogs being existent earlier in your piece and giving us some foreshadowing. And the scene with the two friends talking normal and then the one randomly scrolling over to a video of the other friend and his woman cheating, and then finally being upset about it read sort of weird, I guess dialogue choices and perhaps fleshing out your story more would be my gripes. Overall I felt your story was better than Lars and had its moments but as a complete product I think it was a good premise but was ultimately botched. Story wise I much prefer Quill, the dog killing dog story Lars gave us was meh. But in terms of being well written; and being more proficient I’ve got Lars. This is a prime example of being “out-boxed” in a topical match. V/Lars |
12-14-2022, 06:35 PM | #13 |
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Quill
I thought this was a fun, simple story. The opening lines were a good way to paint the picture. You set up the friendship and vibe in the first half to make the betrayal and shift in tone have more impact. You had some decent multis in your rhyme scheme. The flow seemed to be a little uneven to me in parts as I read it, but mostly pretty good. I did feel like it was a bit of a stretch connecting that picture to your story, given that they don't really look like hunting dogs to me and you didn't include the dogs in the story until the last few lines. But I think everyone's been guilty of stretching to connect a topic before! In all, I liked it. A solid read. Diablo This piece had a much stronger connection to the picture given as the topic. The rhyme scheme also used a fair few multis, and used more assonance and inner rhymes. I did feel like some of the rhymes weren't the strongest though, with semi-rhymes only taking me so far. The story was alright. When you are writing from the perspective of animals, it can be a difficult line to tread as to how human you make them. For me, this piece went a bit too far into the making them human thing, which took me out of the story. Particularly the line about rumours and how people can be. Also, I would have liked more focus on the specific problems our main character had with the other dog. In all, this was a solid piece of writing. Well done. In terms of the mechanics of the pieces, I thought it was fairly close but Diablo probably edged that side of things for me. However I liked Quill's story a fair bit more, and since the mechanics were fairly close in my eyes, I have to go with the content that I found more engaging. Vote - Quill |
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