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Old 10-22-2018, 09:23 PM   #1
Inno
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Default Lyme da zeez vs Flow[OPEN FOR VOTES]

NWL:Season I: Week V



Verses ares due: FRIDAY at 11:59 PM EST

Voting ends: SUNDAY at 11:59 PM EST

Line Limit: Minimum:10 lines, Max: 30

Voting on 2 battles is required.



TOPIC:



GOODLUCK.

@Lyme da Zeez @Flow

Last edited by Inno; 10-27-2018 at 11:22 AM.
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Old 10-24-2018, 12:43 AM   #2
Lyme da Zeez
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Check. @Flow I'm ready to post whenever you are.
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Old 10-26-2018, 11:26 PM   #3
Lyme da Zeez
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Gift to a Dying Breed





My heart’s a shady hole.
A fractioned fragment... Trace of old from it’s famous glow.
My soul.. Sucked to implosion, just in hopes to maintain its growth.
Aches and woes will erase, erode every trait you own. So,
I’d rather take what’s owed than die decaying and encased with mold.

-jumps off bridge-

The impact takes its toll. Shakes my skull, breaks some bones.
I lay, afloat, not conscious, yet awake. But all is blank and frozen,
Till an 8 foot tall figure frayed in rags awakes the ocean
As the metal links he draped around His neck all clank in motion.
His movement, fast. Navigated water like a swaying fish.
Made His way above the place I’m laying, sang an ancient hymn.
Then breaks His way inside my thoughts, gauges what’s contained in it.
Empty space beside me and my heart.. With thoughts, he made the switch.
My ankles latched to cupids target, starts to move my carcass.
Heart is drooping from the sadness, means my pasts not truly harmless,
Now I ravage through the blackness, it’s a role the moon is charged with.
Tried to reach for His attention, as I grab it, moods are darkened.

“Will we get to where we’re going soon?” Movement halts. Insidious.
Looks ghastly as he fades up to my side. Can’t catch a glimpse of Him

His oil lantern shines my gaze, blind of His significance,
Said “I will be your captor, don’t address me, I’ve no time for names”.
Defies my gaze, disguised His face, hidden with persistent tricks.
He guides the maze, pulls me in Osiris chain’s imprisonment.
Death’s soon, I smell it, feel it, taste it. I sense doom.
Seconds before destinations reached, there’s a wet BOOM.
Scowl taints His beguiled face, can’t do what he’s meant to,
Says I’ll live to die another day, since Zeus to the rescue.
Bluish hues soon will leave me. Cough it up, foaming.
-I zoom out from the depths into my body, I’m groaning-
One rip of the defibrillator hit me hard, pulled me,
Caused My heart to start throbbing, woke in waterlogged clothing.
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Old 10-27-2018, 05:25 AM   #4
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Been together forever, a fierce bond I'll never truely sever
But however I try and endeavour to tell her I only ever depress her
Always called the aggressor but sometimes I think an do consider
Maybe I'm not the trigger thats the reason that we bicker
in the mirror reflection I figure it's not me who needs correction
Not deflection but perhaps i am just a victim of her projection?
Even her teasing affection leaves me with a feeling of rejection
Always back handed compliments cus passive aggression is her weapon
Putting me down until I feel like I'm drowning under the pressure
I try to stand up an be better til my oppressor voices her displeasure
Cus Gaslighting shit, I don't even remember the night we were fighting
friends would tell me shes the bitch but a sight of them is as likely as a strike of lightning
Her grip is tightening I feel like im walking a tight rope, I'm fuckin broke
So scared to trip up so I swallow all my heavy words until I choke
The shape of her hearts a concavity an her beauty keeps me grounded like gravity
Actually her love been weighing me down for so long it's like a heart attack without the casualty
Infact it's practically a tragedy that I see my friends and family only in my fantasy
If she was Juliet on the balcony Romeo would be running away towards his sanity
The bitch embodies apathy a personification of her calmity
Infact this is the will I needed to finally escape her twisted brutality
I muster the strength...
with out fluster I rise up for fresh air thats no longer out of my depth
Able to breathe now I've finally left..
Cus love smells of roses but abuse has a sodden an rotten stench
Head above water but the chain on my leg pulls again
But Im not alone now and I can share the burden of this weight with my friends
Shed kept us apart for a reason, no wonder it took me so long to leave
Cus over the seasons my personality had been siezed an strategically unweaved
Cus the abuse I'd recieved made me perceive that I was a weakling
Who didn't deserve anyone an any doubts or self belief would be religiously beaten
But my friends an family are with me now I can remember who I am
They pick me up above the water level and help me back to land
Sometimes I throw stones back out to sea and try to understand
How did I ever let that bitch steal the beast from this man
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Last edited by Flow; 10-27-2018 at 05:29 AM.
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Old 10-29-2018, 12:14 AM   #5
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Lime - I wasn't a big fan of the opening stanza, I felt the wording jumbled the scheme in a way that made it a bit fumbled in a sense.

I wish you chose a different rhyme then bones to start the verse, everything after that rhymes nice, but you forgot the opening line.

A tale of a drowning man who maybe tried to kill himself? Your story mentioned cupid linking to the story but you nevery truly opened that door as far as stories concerned. The drowning man had a vision of a demon or an ancient such as posiden given the zeus (sends* nit since?) reference. I enjoyed the story as a whole, and didn't get caught up on the flow other than the opening bit as well as opening line, which is sort of huge for me. Other than that the story was cool and captivating regardless if you mentioned zeus and cupid in passing with no direct link to any substance beyond there names. I enjoyed this read none the less.


Flow - Good god, that first bar.... I think "endure" is the word you were looking for....Sodden and rotten stench gets a thumbs up though...


A story about a...I think the word is "Simp?" - *confirmed in urban dictionary* who struggles with being the abused in a relationship. Sort of depressing, not only is this not my cup of tea, but you also had a few errors in wording as far as tense and grammar go, it made it less enjoyable honestly.




v/ Limedisease cuz his concept was more in my wheel house and I think he had the better execution and ironically, flow, due to circumstance.
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Last edited by Adonis; 10-29-2018 at 12:26 AM.
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Old 10-29-2018, 04:45 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Adonis View Post
Flow - Good god, that first bar.... I think "endure" is the word you were looking for....Sodden and rotten stench gets a thumbs up though...


A story about a...I think the word is "Simp?" - *confirmed in urban dictionary* who struggles with being the abused in a relationship. Sort of depressing, not only is this not my cup of tea, but you also had a few errors in wording as far as tense and grammar go, it made it less enjoyable honestly.



Endeavour is the correct word.
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Old 10-30-2018, 04:00 PM   #7
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Lime Disease, way to kick off a verse. Everything was really smooth until this line:

Heart is drooping from the sadness, means my pasts not truly harmless,

When that line started, I felt like the flow suffered and started feeling force in certain areas after that. Prior to that, shit was buttery. I may be wrong, but, I interpreted that whole conversation as a conversation with death, as opposed to cupid. I think developing the story about 'cupids target' more would have tied in & given us a reason to understand how distraught he is, to the point where he would jump off a bridge. Besides that, this was really on point. I liked the flow on this, schemes kept things really smooth, story was good, good verse.

Flow, yous' a sucka for love. Lol. This was cool. Pretty straight forward, decent rhyming which kept the pace pretty good. Nothing really stood out to me though. A lot of these rhymes also felt like, straight out of a rhyming book. Wish I had more to say.

PS: I'm pretty sure both of you posted more than 30 lines. *shrugs*

vLyme da zeez
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