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Old 08-19-2013, 08:21 AM   #1
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Default Week 5 - Pinot Grij vs Adonis - PG WINS

Memo week 5.
Greetings competitors, we return to the style of the week 1 challenge. CONSTRAINED WRITING TASK WEEK, you are required to complete one of a series of difficult constrained writing challenges. Your specific task will be phrased in the negative as an instruction requiring some omission of a common writing aspect. You only need to meet your requirement, otherwise you can write about anything you like. Find below your match-ups and specific tasks.

Specific Task - No words longer than 7 letters, e.g. 8,9,10,11 etc. letter words

Verses Due - Wednesday 23:59 PST
Voting Period Ends - Sunday 23:59 PST

Good Luck @Pinot Grij vs @Adonis
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Old 08-19-2013, 11:22 AM   #2
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Hey pal
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Old 08-19-2013, 08:34 PM   #3
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No words greater than 7 letters...Hmmm

Sounds good
@Pinot Grij

Ext. Granted
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Old 08-19-2013, 11:32 PM   #4
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Fuck it... switching back to 7 letters.

http://www.netcees.co/showpost.php?p=127973&postcount=5
http://www.netcees.co/showpost.php?p=128038&postcount=6
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Old 08-21-2013, 12:40 AM   #5
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Writing Exercise #4 - No words with More than Seven Letters
Title: One in a PI



I live not captive; I'm free to roam,
Under my accord I scour a world and hoard,
Gather, scrape and tour; an Earth covered in gold,
A master of worth who found rubbish is riches in dirt,
A foul stench is heaven for my nasally bowels,
A work ethic allows bitter sweet in a mouth,
But the catch 22; I feed what I reap to a crown,
By choice, I supply young food by the pound,
A foot soldier, draped in cap and gown,
Hard headed yet witty, a perfect blend for my city,
Robust and minute, I simply live non recluse,
I'm social and conform in a storm as family ties are induced,
I fight and I train; I hunt and I raise,
Nurture and further babes until they're linked to our chain,
We train and survive, build with mud that has dried,
Sweat hits dust and absorbs our heart and our pride,
A five star castle isn’t even close to exempt
My kin and I don't intend to sully your name or offend,
But your trash is a gem, hidden then tossed in a bin,
The circle of life is intense, Hunger is a pyramid of events,
We accept; rather praise, the valiant deaths of our men,
If you lucky and just hurt, I'd carry you through the rain,
The acid drops from a spout on every inch of terrain,
My burning lungs might strain, but as a people we love,
It just sucks; one boot can turn a million of us to dust,
And the Raid!! Oh the Raid! I know my death isn't vain
Because I lived so my people could build a block and sustain.

Please let me explain;
you have halos and wings,
But my colony is all I need...

It's a dream of dreams.
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Old 08-22-2013, 04:22 PM   #6
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Welcome to the Sci Fi Society, this site is members only
Only true Space Nerds need apply, that means no effin’ phonies
I am @Guru_Galaxor, the master of many outer space topics
And before you join our Star Fleet, it’s time for a pop quiz
See, we hold high level debates on sci-fi movies and shows
We must see that you’re worthy, so now prove what you know

Riddle #1:
Our hero Cruises into action, as a Pre Crime agent rep
And makes arrests for crimes that haven’t taken place just yet
Until he gets framed for murder in a sordid scheme of sorts
And he has to find out the mystery behind the ______________________

Riddle #2:
This one’s more obscure, I guess I can say as much
Our hero meets a Damon makes his passion Blunt
He must follow “the plan” set by men in hats from another world
But love defeats the bad guys from The _____________________

Riddle #3:
This isn’t a movie title, but our hero goes back in time
Do I still have your ear, my friend? HELLOOO MCFLYYY!
He goes to his mom’s prom, and sort of has to date her
And his time machine is powered by the Flux __________________

Riddle #4
Our hero is the leader of a cockney gang that talks in slang
Upon his arrest the state police reshape his awful brain
The therapy wears off but he still appears not so morbid
“I was cured, all right!” is the final line from A _____________________

Riddle#5
The crown jewel of the genre, it makes fanboys super happy
The old trilogy still holds up, even though they don’t Lucas flashy
To pick the best, we all put Empire ahead of the Phantom
Cuz pod racers don’t have nothing on the __________________________

………….
WOW! A perfect score.. Awesome dude! Props to you!
Space emits a sonic boom with every new friend to our cosmic crew!
You are now ready to fight the Borg and other violent hordes
Let’s take our funship around the great galaxy…. Climb aboard!
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Old 08-22-2013, 11:08 PM   #7
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Adonis minus some spelling errors I thought this was deep and emotional...


But your trash is a gem, hidden then
tossed in a bin,
The circle of life is intense, Hunger is
a pyramid of events,


dope as fuck. reminds me of the food pyramid.



some lines didn't rhyme...


A foot soldier, draped in cap and
gown,
Hard headed yet witty, a perfect blend
for my city,

even this is the result of a stretched line or lack of rhyme.


very poetic at times and sometimes confusing still dope when it wants to be






Pinot I've been reading pieces from you since 2011 and the one thing that stand out is creativity. you wrote a piece called life as bullet and while the other guy described a bullet in numerous scenarios, you wrote from the perspective of a baseball team called the bullets. This piece carries that same level of ingenuity.




1. minority report


2.


3. Back to the future


4. clockwork orange


5. not a star wars fan so over my head


some lines can be redone but giving the writing exercise its excusable. all creative and exciting.


vote pinot. just a more engaging creative and entertaining piece
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Hopefully without offending anybody, Defy Gravity has created the most impressive initial submission from a new user to join the competition. Outperformed his opponent in terms of rhyme scheme
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Old 08-23-2013, 01:32 AM   #8
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Adonis: I liked this a lot for what it was: a very clever, well-written character description with the reveal held until the end. These types of verses were very popular at one point in topical leagues, but you don't see them as much any more. I enjoy the style and use it occasionally, but it struggles to stand up to fleshed-out stories because there's no real action or driving conflict. I have to admit that I picked up enough clues to figure out the twist by about midway through, but I think that's a compliment because you did a good job providing just enough small details. I liked that you spun it off your challenge a little, as in a battle forcing you to use small words, you told the story of a small narrator. The rhymes were the strongest I've seen from you, as was the verse as a whole. There were a few moments where the wording could have been cleared up, but that's the case for everyone. This was strong.

Pinot Grij: OK: Minority Report, Adjustment Bureau, capacitor, Clockwork Orange, Millenium Falcon. Now that we have that out of the way, let's discuss this verse. I thought that was a very creative approach to the topic. Way to spoil The Adjustment Bureau for me, though. I totally would have thought the bad guys would win. The movie synopses cut into the cohesion of the verse as a straightforward narrative, but that's a small complaint because they were essential to this highly creative idea. The rhymes in this verse weren't to your normal caliber, though, which probably was slightly caused by the topic. But you had a comparably easy topic to abide, so I don't feel wrong in bringing that up. And your rhymes still were more polished than most, including your opponent. But Adonis had you as far as diction, generally speaking. This was a great battle, but the originality in the approach here won me over because I've never seen something quite like this. It was fun to read and figure out the answers.

Vote: Pinot Grij
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Old 08-23-2013, 05:14 AM   #9
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Feel Pinot has a gimmick here that may cause some upsets. I loved the creativity of it I'll admit it was a brilliant idea and the most enjoyable read. However I think Adonis deserves to take my vote because his piece was probably one of his best I've read so far and was technically stronger in nearly every way.

But loved the approach @Pinot

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Old 08-23-2013, 11:08 AM   #10
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this was a really enjoyable battle to read. both verses were fun. which is something I think I never said in a vote. but here its true.

Adonis - im gonna go ahead and say that for me, this was probably the best verse ive read from you. I think showing us the perspective of an ant through a very cleverly used writing device such as personification worked wonderful here. it took me about three quarters of the verse to get that. until then I was reading and going ok some really cool lines but what do they mean. then I discovered the ant theme and went back and re read. it was great the second read through. I sometimes write in this manner, ive done it with a personifying a glacier once, and it actually is a lot harder than people think to actually hide what you are talking about while still staying true to it. anyway this had some stand out lines for sure,

Robust and minute, I simply live non recluse,
I'm social and conform in a storm as family ties are induced,

that was great. everything is dead on accurate and I like how you compared a swarm of ants to a storm that conforms. its fitting. and yes all the ants in a colony are related. so that is deep man. great job.

pinot grij - if you know me you know im a big fan of creative takes on topics. and you had one here. it was interactive and fun and kept me engaged and participating in the verse. it felt like I was a part of the verse, you brought us into it. ive never seen that before. this was well done. the rhyme scheme was strong throughtout. the back to the future one I thought was weird cause it didn't really rhyme that well. you rhymed time with mcfly, and date her to flux capacitor. which doesn't work for me. the rest were really strong. I really enjoyed what you did here. I think a few more examples would have served you well.


overall - two great concepts. I genuinely enjoyed reading both. but one slightly more than the other. it was Adonis'. I liked going back and re reading and uncovering gems. thanks for the reads guys. I mean it.

vote - Adonis
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Old 08-24-2013, 09:58 PM   #11
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@Adonis, I didn't like this one that much but it could be because I've been surrounding myself by flashy writing lately, or that I hold your work to a high standard. Conceptually this was accessible and I was able to follow right away. You are open to all audiences and that is a rare trait that you possess. I don't know, I just thought the verse was okay. Maybe the challenge this week dampens the potential this has. Easier to read it and criticize it than to write it within these rules, you know?

@Pinot Grij, lol this was creative. The tone was cordial and reminded me of The Magic Schoolbus. I think you took a risk here with something like this. Cool wordplay throughout, and I smirked a few times.

Gotta go with Pinot for better execution.
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Old 08-24-2013, 10:40 PM   #12
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Adonis

ok so this was hot fucking fire. I mean you have a couple misteps here and there but many are typos, nothing that affected the progression and flow of your story to much so I wont take that into account..just pointing out lol. any way I thought the language in this was fucking ill man..your poetic sense is very evident in everything you drop..dig that about your style..some good character development as well as a smooth flow that kept me entertained...ill shit.


pinot.
im not gonna sit here and point of technical things as I believe that is stupid because your clearly have a skill set beyond that...this was verse was creative and clever..it was inventive and ambitious to sya the least...you managed to tell a story dam near flawlessly but what I find impressive is that you involved the reader lol..thought that was some ill matrx shit.


overall
Adonis held his own..and to be honest it could go either..but pinot literally transcended beyond the topic and I guess you could say the site by writing something that would involved his audience...


pinot.
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