WEEK 6: Ender vs Sinacog 8-0 ENDER WINS

[Inno]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE


@Ender @Sinacog

Max line: 30

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

Due date: May 1, 2020 11:59 EST TIME

GOODLUCK!

[Sinacog]

There was once' a demon from the oceans' of parallel
The oceans' of parallel; the oceans' of water from author
The devil was inside of a book; inside of chapter 666
The sinning sin; the resentment in testament sin
The devil lived inside a book for a billion years
The chameleon with the sincerity of seer/sear
I am the devil from another level; I want to go to heaven
I killed demons and seers with liquid spears
I am the devil on another level; I want to be real
I have been read by one man; he was God of the universe
I am the devil on another level; I am the sincere devil
I killed a billion demon's and angels with metal swords
I am a devil on another level; I have killed zillions of demons
I have become a real devil, by sleeping and dreaming

[Ender]

Lying my head on my arms, feeling weak and alone
I'm enduring life on my own, no family to keep me at home
And I'm prone to spending nights here blacking out
Really attacking my liver, the victor never in doubt
Moping about, wasting all my meaningless days
Endless malaise, feel like I've always been in this haze
Pressed in a maze, until in a blaze HE arrived at the bar
He's a shining star, bringing light I've been deprived so far
I felt revived like I'd died and he shocked me to life
Stopped my strife and all we'd done was locked eyes
Then I decide to try to go and chat with the guy
Ohh but why, I'm in front of him and suddenly shy
Praying to die because now I can't seem to speak
Humiliatingly weak, silent, but clearly an extreme freak
Entropy will keep me from breaking out of this funk
Like a punk I start to turn away, quaking like a drunk
Except he talked to me first, like we were old mates
States "Come on, you need to remember we control our fates"
Lumbered away, never even looked back
Understood it's a trap, you can get hooked on that
Course I followed him, his charisma was magnetic
I couldn't help it, I felt like a prisoner, kinda pathetic
Frenetically trying to keep pace, he turned down a dark lane
Enthusiastically I do the same for reasons I can't explain
Right by a drain he stops, standing over a sleeping bum
Speaking to me "Father Tom, his crime was keeping mum
All those kids came to the Church, they were under his care
Told nobody what he knew the other priests were doing there"
A knife was in his hand, then in mine before I was hardly aware
Never knew who he was, gave me the choice between hope and despair

[Universe]

Sinacog - The NBL needs your full attention... this doesn't have it. When you try you're at least coherent and occasionally drop a decent line . Here you're just doing what you usually do on autopilot, repeating the same words over and over and then dropping a Universe reference. This shameless pandering will not be rewarded... lol. But seriously, start trying a little or just go away or your new name will be 'Bye Week'... cuz we will just give you to people who need to pad their records, mmkay? Cool interview this week though in the NBL mag.

Ender - Solid verse here my man. Rebounded from last week IMO. You started off very strong, dropping gems like:

"And I'm prone to spending nights here blacking out
Really attacking my liver, the victor never in doubt"

And kept it going, telling a cool story with a tight flow and some cool multi's. I kind of lost you when they left the bar though, I didnt really like how it went from that point and even your rhyme schemes loosened up and weren't as well delivered. It's like you tried for the first three quarters of your rhyme, saw Sin's verse, then just mailed in the rest lol. Which is cool, you did what you needed to win here. I enjoyed it overall.

Vote - slENDERman

[Vulgar]

Ender - The men were agents enacting 'brutal' street justice for crimes against minors? SInce he spoke to the main narrator and said 'father tom' then they both could've been priests. The guy on the floor was a sinful priest who molested kids, etc. It was cool in terms of story and patient pacing. It took me a second read to understand more. I think it'd benefit from a little more personal touch. You know how to rhyme at a good level. The details aren't really jumping out. It feels like a synopsis, a curtain, more than an actual full-bodied, personable screenplay. Could add some more jazz to it. Thanks for the read.

Vote ender

[Scar]

ender, Pretty cool story my man. It still hasn't capture the magic of your very first verse, which was told with richness and depth, this seems to be focused solely on the progression of the story. the flow had moments where it got a bit jarring. i understand how that goes cause a lot of my writing have those moments, its usually a byproduct of NOT forcing verbiage lulz. love some of the wording "Really attacking my liver, the victor never in doubt" what a cool way to describe an alcoholic without even using the word or brand lulz.

v/ender

[Bodey]

Sinacog should be disqualified for this garbage

Ender- this was a nice read. definitely related to the feelings of the narrator. like Victor, i had to read the second part a couple times to see what i missed, because it confused me at first, which is my only complaint. the writing could've used more descriptive terms and less abstract ones but i still liked the final product. good shit man

[Pharaohs Army]

I guess Sinacog is never going to change. Just isn't enough. I this, I that. Heaven Hell Demons & Devils.

V/ Ender even though I'm definitely confused by the ending.

[Candy]

sinacog:
real dope dude, i like this im really loven your style.. i think by repeating and hitting home the points you were making come up a complement to your verse and lines as a whole.. the story itself were dope.. i think the cross of demon to worlds of gods was interesting and your battle was dope to thanks..

ender:
very emotional its was subtly poetic which i liked your delivery was smooth and ran through as a clean read but i think it was your emotion that was the shinning star in this piece.. very flushed out where it grabbed hold of your throat and never let go i got a little teary over it pretty cool..

vote sinacog

i think he had more style in this which gave his piece more character by out shinning the deep emotion with word usage in capturing the reader better which is huge because that was a good hold on the reader with that emotion..

[Adverse]

Ender won this with his eyes closed. Had an actual narrative, was cool story development throughout and some nice imagery pieces here.

"And I'm prone to spending nights here blacking out
Really attacking my liver, the victor never in doubt
Moping about, wasting all my meaningless days
Endless malaise, feel like I've always been in this haze
Pressed in a maze, until in a blaze HE arrived at the bar
He's a shining star, bringing light I've been deprived so far
I felt revived like I'd died and he shocked me to life"

Think this section was my favorite tbh.

Sinacog doesn't listen to critique so i don't think there's any reason to break down his verse? It was the usual rhetoric and i didn't catch the topic at all in it, come on man.

V/Ender

[Johnny 6 feet]

Sinocog- Always a fan of biblical imagery in open mics. You conveyed the personality of the speaker clearly here, but I felt the piece suffered through the repeated phrasing given the length. The choice of vocab and rhyme scheme could've stood to be more sophisticated as well.

Ender- I can definitely relate to the 'attacking my liver' line, lol. A clear, easy to picture narrative that stuck close to your image and told a story which held my attention from start to finish. Good pacing, solid rhyme scheme, straightforward vocab, tight little piece for sure.

Vote-Ender

[Inno]

8-0 ENDER WINS